bad news on difficult son

<p>Amith, I am so very sorry to hear of this. I had followed your earlier thread, and felt sad reading of the situation back then. It seems more like severe depression than a lack of maturity. Your son probably needs your support and love even more desperately now. I know you have given so much, but only a mother has this bottomless pit of love.</p>

<p>I FEEL for you. Try and stay positive for his sake and yours. Seek professional help soon.</p>

<p>Ok, so i don't know what happened to my other post, but maybe he is tired of school (maybe that's PART of the answer---notice I said part...)?</p>

<p>thanks for all your support. I have to say, my son is not depressed. he is just immature and not knowing what he wants to do. he went from a bad school to a worse school, or should I campus. I didn't realize that although he hated the charlotte campus for lack of anything to do or comradderie, he abhored the providence campus. He said at least at charlotte, the teachers were good and the classes interesting. At providence, he missed a class because his tire was flat, (actually he missed 15 minutes, but they don't let them in late), and the teacher refused to help him. that was the beginning of the end, because then he figured he would have to drop that class, so why bother to continue. as far as dropping classes, j and w is not like a regular college where you take 5 classes at once and can drop up to a certain point. they take one class at a time, so between christmas and now, he has already had 3 classes begin and end, and they cannot be dropped. at least he got a withdraw/passing. we sat down, and he will get a job, pay his own bills, act respectfully while in my house, help out with tasks and chores and stop blaming me for everything. I am somewhat upset that the school didn't notify me, but my son would not sign that paper to let me know what is going on so I don't think I have a recourse, other than thinking it is ethically wrong to not notify a parent when a kid isn't showing up for classes and you haven't heard from them. as far as my sister, ever since my father died recently and her husband came and cleared out all my dad's cherished items with a big uhaul truck while my brother and I weren't there, we aren't talking too much, well not at all. but according to my mom she was stuck between letting my son stay there or having him live in his car, which greatfully she didn't do. she told my son he had to go face the consequences and talk to me and his grandmother, (one of the co-signers of his loans). I don't blame my sister, she is a good person married to an opportunist. The difficult part of all this is that it happened 3 days after I had a major abdominal procedure and I'm hobbleing around trying to get information about where my son is. at least now he is home, I know he is safe and we will continue on. he will get a job and enroll in community college to see if he can get through a course without blaming the teacher, books, computer, me, and the lunch lady for anything that goes wrong. my son is not depressed, bi-polar or the like. (mental health nursing was my major interest in college where I did a specialized internship, I am very keen on the symptoms and when to intervene, my son is just spoiled and needs boundaries set). he has a complete lack of ability to take responsibility for anything, which will come with maturity I sure hope. thanks all.</p>

<p>Amith-I'm so sorry your story has taken this turn. If I remember correctly, he is only 19 and maturity levels vary greatly in teens. Learning disabilities and depression only add to the pressures. I know this is not what you would have chosen for your son, but things can turn out ok. Kids take many different paths, some with more twists and turns than others, but with your love and support he can find his way. It may just take more time for him to figure out his path and he may need some outside help to find it. </p>

<p>Whatever his motivations, your child has lost his way. I know you must feel very disappointed and angry but I hope you can set those feelings aside, look at the big picture, and see that your son needs your love and support more than ever. Best wishes to you both.</p>

<p>EDIT We cross-posted. I'm glad to hear that things seem brighter today. Good luck.</p>

<p>amith1--best of luck to you. I know you keep saying your son is "fine," but really, "complete lack of ability to take responsibility for anything" and blaming everyone for everything that isn't right in his life just doesn't sound "fine" to me. Consider getting counseling for him. The kid has some problems. You can call them whatever you like, but I have a feeling a good counselor (if he'll go) could really help with his issues, regardless of whether you call them maturity issues, just being spoiled, or something else. Going to a counselor does not mean you are "nuts," and it could really help in a situation like this.</p>

<p>I would also add my $.02 on getting your son diagnosed- regardless of your own personal background- it is impossible to diagnose your own family members accurately 100% of the time.
Even if you are a clinician and see young people professionally who are depressed- you bring to your own relationships, your own "goggles". Not a criticism but just a fact of life.
Everything that has been posted is screaming out that this boy is overwhelmed and need appropriate care.
Even if you don't insist that he get an evaluation immediately- you should consider it for yourself- so much frustration and anger in your relationship with your son- and just having someone help you get perspective on your complex and challenging relationships with your family, could help a great deal.
Keep us posted</p>

<p>Agree with e-kitty.</p>

<p>A professional could help you decide whether or not you are assigneing too much behavior to the Immature and Spoiled category.</p>

<p>Many of us :eek: have spoiled and immature sons who make mistakes--some of the same mistakes your son has made, in fact. However immature and spoiled, most boys do learn and grow. </p>

<p>Your boy seems to be radically regressing. Could it be a call for help? Dropping out without telling you? That behavior is not only immature, it has intentional cruelty, a financial stinger and a 'connection' to your sister.</p>

<p>From my experience with immature boys--and I know dozens and dozens--the level of his regression seems beyond the garden variety of spoiled and immature behavior. Wouldn't a professional, outside evaluation be helpful for your relationship as well?</p>

<p>Good luck and more cyber hugs.</p>

<p>I think it's very sad that your son didn't feel as though he could confide in you and felt that the only way out was to hide from you. That kind of behavior in and of itself should be enough to want to get some outside counseling to try to repair what appears to be very poor and uncommunicative relationship. Good luck.</p>

<p>People can hide depression though can't they?</p>

<p>Yes, people can hide depression.</p>

<p>sometimes even from themselves
for instance my sister sleeps very irregularly- can't sleep at night, sleeps during the day, really, really irritable.
but * nothing is wrong*</p>

<p>I agree with e-kitty. I would bring your son in for evaluation. Even if you believe there is nothing wrong, his apparent inability to confront life and chose and sustain a course tells me he would benefit from some outside help. He needs someone -- not you -- to help him with this. Sometimes young adults get all balled up with the transition to adulthood, and they require some professional assistance...someone non-judgemental that they can open up to and who can help them see themselves and their circumstances and their choices more clearly.</p>

<p>And, I'm not sure I share your view that depression isn't lurking in there as well. He can't be feeling all that good about himself given all he's been through and the apparent vibes he must be picking up from home. It's a small price to pay, and I really believe it'll have a big payoff. Your hostility is palpable and can't be doing him any good. Please seek counseling for everyone. No matter how well trained you are, sometimes you just need objective outside help. It greases the wheels of positive change.</p>

<p>I think I'd try the love and counseling before I'd try the tough love. Your son might not be in the position to move forward just yet. It might be like flogging a dead horse.</p>

<p>I wish your son the best.</p>

I wouldn't look at your son hiding out at your sister's home as a totally bad thing. It might have been his safest route of escape. Maybe he's depressed, immature, spoiled, w/e...but at least he is alive and not suicidal. I agree that he should get professional counseling, either individually or as a family. With all due respect, you may not really know the whole story.</p>

<p>I would look at it as a totally bad thing that her son was too afraid to come home. I think most of us would expect/hope that our children would come to us if they had a problem, not run away. There is a very unhealthy family dynamic here and it may be part of the reason the boy is so lost. It would be my guess that his problems started way before he went away to college. This family needs counseling -- desperately.</p>

<p>I agree with acinva 100%.</p>

<p>This boy is screaming for help - it is past time to listen!!!!!</p>

<p>amith1 has come to us for support, and our job is to be helpful in a positive way. Unfortunately society and legal entities seem to hold family members accountable for the behavior of others. However, we all know that legal adults do what they want to do, all too often regardless of the consequences to themselves and others. With current mental health laws, it is almost impossible to help, guide, change someone who refuses assistance. Most of us are very aware of this, and so are our children. It is extraordinarily frustrating as a family member and/or friend, and there can be an overwhelming sense of guilt about the situation. Hopefully OP will be able to garner the resources to handle this difficult situation, in a way which gives her peace of mind that she has done all she can. Unfortunately she and other family members seem to be left holding the financial burden, without any real means of making sure the recipient of the benefits will take responsibility. Families have very old scripts of behavior and interaction, which usually only an outsider can rechannel. Do yourself a favor and take advantage of every bit of help you can find. Good luck.</p>

<p>Of course I agree with acinva and orangeblossom that the best course would have been for amith's son to be able to come home and discuss the problem. However, he couldn't for some reason. I am only saying that maybe amith should be grateful that his/her son had SOMEONE to go to. Not a drug dealer, not a cult, but an aunt. This is a much better outcome than to receive a call that your anguished child has committed suicide.</p>

<p>Maybe the sister has some insight into the problem? I would still encourage professional help. This situation would certainly be out of the realm of my maternal comfort zone. Also, those who are part of the problem may not realize it.</p>

This is a much better outcome than to receive a call that your anguished child has committed suicide.


<p>Which is what I (for whatever reason) thought had happened when I saw the title of the thread. Don't know why my first posted response disappeared though.</p>

<p><strong><em>it is a battle with him negotiating not to go back. my 19 year old son ends up crying, I end up screaming and my husband tells him to get out and go to school. it's awful. I can't blame him, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.</em></strong></p>

<p>The above is from the original post - it certainly speaks volumes - and since the situation has been ongoing and down hill for a long time - in NC and in RI - it is time for the parent to step back and really look at what has gone on - and to take a piece of the blame in all of this. This boy is not totally responsible for all that has happened.</p>

<p>Thankfully he is alive and safe - now - no matter what the mom's background is - it is time to really take a hard look at the whole picture - and to all invest in getting outside help to work thru all of this - and to back away also if necessary. There are times in our lives as parents that we can't fix it - we just can't - and we really need to figure out a positive way to work thru it all.</p>

<p>Leave the anger and frustration at the door - and level the playing field on this - stop the micro managing and controling behavior - and allow this guy to really work towards getting better - and things will fall into place the way they are supposed to. This decision that he has made is the culmination of many things going on with him - and all will need to be open on how to 'fix' it.</p>

<p>Each of you taking responsibility for your part in all of this is just the first step - of many forward ones.</p>