<p>Exactly, JeepMom. This is how the young man chose to bring this torment to a close…it could have been a much more grim ending.</p>
<p>Now, the family must seek counseling. There is work to be done by all, for all have played a part. It is too easy to say that this is just this young man’s fault…for it is not.</p>
<p>The situation can be improved and everyone can enjoy a wonderful future if the first step is taken. Please take it now. The young man’s decision to run away and end it all this way cannot be ignored.</p>
<p>I have a feeling the OP has taken a break from this thread - maybe difficult to face all this realistically under the circumstances. It is hard to face one’s reality truthfully sometimes</p>
<p>hello all,
my son has been out looking for a job, and we have been talking about his future. He chose to hide out at my sister’s house because they supported his decision to not return to school based on what my son said, read: one side of the story. This is a situation where there is a 30 year old daughter with multiple degrees still living at home, and a son who is 26 with some college credits still living at home, working for and under their parents. What was seen in my son was another workhorse to add to the stall. I would not let that happen. He did not initially come home because he had this disfunctional support, and he knew I would not agree, nor would anybody agree, with his rash and ill-thought out decision. (he was on his way back to school, and turned around because he was told he could stay with them) I have spoken with my son at length, and have found some of the reasons why he left. He missed a class at the beginning of this last trimester due to illness, (missing one class means 6 hours of time), and when he asked the teacher for help, the teacher refused. this was verified by me. my son could not catch up, so he gave up. He then felt like well, I have missed one class, so why continue. That class won’t be available and they all build on each other. So I again called J and W, I know, bad bad me, and told the academic services, financial aid and career center supervisors that next week they will sit down with my son and discuss what his options could be for finishing, how they will this time help him if he will return, and what support they will provide. ( I told my son to call financial services and discuss with him the consequences of his dropping out, he was told over speaker phone so I could validate that he should just drop out and they would send him a letter telling him what his responsibilities would be, now that’s what I call support!). I asked them at what point I would have been notified that my son was missing, and I got a lot of stuttering. It truly scares me that not one of his teachers, (3 in all) nontified anybody that my son was “missing”. there is unfortunately a lot of blame to throw around for this situation, and much falls on me, I will admit. I am glad I have had the opportunity to talk with my son, and find out what was going on in his mind, and what he feels and wants. If he does not return, so be it. He will work, be productive and move on. He wants to attend Bloomsburg University in the fall, which I fully support. I have offered him counseling, which through my employer is next to free, and he is thinking about it. I routinely have “counseling” as I feel it is important to have somebody to talk to who can offer advice and challenge me if needed. Of note, my son has been through multiple counselors as I felt at the time of my divorce from his father that he needed it. I was finally told by a psychiatrist to save my money, the kid was fine. Albiet quiet and reserved, but had a good head on his shoulders, was quite intelligent and was fine. He knows counseling is available, but he’s 19 and 220 lbs, so I can’t force it.</p>
<p>Amith, thanks for the update. It sounds like you, also, have a good head on your shoulders, and that things will work out. By the way, I’m sure this is a cautionary tale for anyone considering this school.</p>
<p>I have no ties to J&W. I have never seen their campuses. My son has gotten many mailings for some reason. Anyway, I have met 2 young women who attended. One went to NC and the other in RI. I spoke more with the female who attended RI. Neither complained about the school, and seemed content. The only complaint I heard was how dreary the weather is in RI, and how the sun is never shining. I just thought it would be fair to add some positive stories as well. Also, the young lady who went to NC attended b/c no other school accepted her. She has ADD and had some low hs grades. She thought she could get into URI b/c she has a relative who is a professor there, but even with that recommendation she was not accepted.</p>
<p>I am sure there are some phenomenal success stories from J and W, LIke Emeril etc. But we didn’t experience any at all. not a one good experience can I speak of. if you look at studentsreview.com, pretty much all I have complained of is listed there by other students, including the student housing being in a demilitarized zone in providence, (one of the reasons I was so angry that not one person contacted me that he wasn’t in class, should I complain about that issue?) I have seen that the unofficial moto of J and W is “when all else fails, johnson and wales”. I wish I had known that. He will be fine. we went shopping for some nice interview clothes, talked some more, he will go to providence next week to discuss the situation and if he is returning or not. I’ll keep my fingers cross, but he needs to do what he needs to do.</p>
<p>amith1,
FERPA (Federal Education ____? Privacy Act, or some similar words) may have prevented the college from legally contacting you, especially if your son is 18 or older. Having said that, I know how frustrating it can be when our quasi-adults still have very adolescent brains. Good luck to you and your son. I try to remember “relationship, relationship, relationship” as the most important parent-student focus. The other details will eventually resolve with enough time and $ if the relationship can be sustained or salvaged.</p>
<p>yes, I know FERPA well, because any time I have asked any question of J and W, even the most benign and simple, they have pulled FERPA. (why was the cafeteria food like a restaurant quality when parents were there, and when we left, is went to soup kitchen quality?? FERPA FERPA FERPA). Just like in healthcare we pull HIPPA, even when it’s not appropriate or not necessary. I did call the dean of students, and he started on FERPA, and I quickly cut him off. I asked him what the headlines would have read if a J and W student was found in Providence murdered, and parents didn’t even know he wasn’t in school, with my family’s picture splashed across the paper, because you know I would have freaked. There is privacy, and there is safety and moral and ethical behavior. I have found none of the later at J and W. I have found scapegoating, finger pointing and blame blame blame the student. It’s a shame.</p>
<p>I do think that parents have some control however- it wasn’t an issue for my daughter to sign all the papers releasing academic, health and financial information to us, although if she had balked I simply would have reminded her that it was a criteria of our financial contribution, she wants the money for school, then she signs- doesn’t want our help- well she doesn’t have to sign- pretty simple really :)</p>
<p>emerald…Its the old GOLDEN RULE…he who has the GOLD RULES. I know my DS reads posting on this site…so buddy…you had better believe Mom and Dad will have access as long as we are paying into your future</p>
<p>I didn’t say that the performance would be more- I don’t have her grades sent to me- however- if there is a problem- unless I have the release- I cannot be notified & if D was in a place where she needed help, unless she signed the release or notified me herself, I would never know- legally</p>
<p>I haven’t been participating–just reading with concern until now, but I don’t think that’s fair, wbow. FERPA is absurd and if there is a healthy degree of trust among mature family members, signing it really is no big or even medium sized deal. My son signed it because he knows I would want to help if he needed us for medical or financial needs. He also knows I would rather gargle dirt than interfere with his academic life. He’s heard the story about how I almost swallowed my teeth when a student’s mother called me while I was teaching at the university, so he knows I’d never do that to him. (I guess things have changed a bit since then, but I still wouldn’t do it, and he knows it.)</p>
<p>My point is that all parties have to know ahead of time–with or without FERPA–what to expect from each other. Our son tells us what his grades are like because he wants to share his successes and strains with us, not because we’re holding something over his head. (After all, his scholarship’s covering more of the costs than we are, anyway!) But if something happened to him, and he needed us, the college couldn’t talk to us in any sort of complete way without that silly piece of paper. So don’t judge anyone because they want it signed. If there’s tension over it, that may indicate an incomplete understanding of its meaning or some other misunderstanding. It doesn’t necessarily mean some epic power struggle is going on!</p>
<p>Agree with ctymom~ and all others whose kids have waived FERPA restrictions. FERPA can get in the way of parents’ obtaining information kids would <em>like</em> them to have. It is my son’s prerogative to waive FERPA or not. I cannot make him do so. He did it willingly - both as to grades and to health information. I reminded him that he can withdraw the health release at any time if he so chooses, wanting to consult the Student Health Service for something private. I want him to feel that right to privacy. However, he could be at death’s door and want me to know - and without his signature - the school/physician would be helpless to contact me or answer my questions.</p>
<p>WRT his grades, I don’t expect him to perform any differently whether he’s granted me access or not. I do think every parent who is writing the big check has a right to know whether the services we are paying for are being used. If my S is attending to his studies and making the effort but doing poorly, he has my support and help if needed. If he is doing well, he has me sharing in his pride. If he is zoned out and opting out of his responsibilities as a student, he has my support and help if he wants it. If he doesn’t want it? Then I decide how many more checks I want to write.</p>
<p>Re FERPA/grades: I didn’t worry about monitoring my son or knowing his grades, and it was a mistake. Basically he had an incomplete in a course his first yearand either let it slide until it was too late, or was not able to meet the expectations needed to get the class completed and earn a grade for other reasons. I don’t know which, but I do know that I paid for him to attend the college a second year without being aware that he was in academic difficulty. Since it was my $$, I decided that for the future, I will treat my funding of college as a type of academic scholarship that requires a minimum C average to maintain. And the “mommy scholarship” now requires grade verification. </p>
<p>It doesn’t necessarily have to be by waiving FERPA – its fine with me if my kid provides me with a copy of the grade report or provides me with the authorization code for accessing a college web site where grades are reported, instead of signing the waiver – but the point is that I know think that if I pay, then the grades are my business. </p>
<p>As to a kid’s whereabouts, I would hope that if I could not locate a kid (no email/phone calls, etc.) that the staff of the college would cooperate if I inquired. I don’t expect the college to tell me if the kid is missing classes, though – and I realize that one of the downside’s of reliance on email and cell phones to communicate is that a kid can easily mislead the parent as to whereabouts… but to me that is a different issue. I don’t know whether the OP had not heard from her son during all this time, or whether he was calling or emailing from his aunt’s house and lying about his whereabouts – but if it was the latter, then obviously she would know that he was alive and in good health. </p>
<p>I don’t know what FERPA actually allows and limits, but it seems to me that a college should be able to confirm or deny whether a student has been attending classes without having to release more detailed information – assuming it is the type of college where attendance is taken. I doubt that at a large university anyone notices, though – when I was in college, all the way through law school, there were many large classes that I never attended except for the first day and for exams - and I earned A’s & B’s in those courses. I realize that J&W is a very different environment – so I’m just trying to point out that what is appropriate in one context may not be workable in another.</p>