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<p>Okay yeah, this is actually a really good point. B’nei mitzvahs are usually extremely expensive. $20k is probably the norm where I live. A lot of families depend on getting some of that back in monetary gifts, which normally go right into savings or the college fund after maybe allowing the kid to buy one nice present. Getting dozens of scarves, necklaces, and gift cards is relatively useless in comparison and won’t go towards recouping that money.</p>
<p>One more point before getting back to my Passover seder cooking. The reality is that the check is written by the parents, not the kid. In that respect, it’s really from one family in the community to another, even if you don’t know the parents personally. I really don’t think of it the same way as a birthday party or sweet sixteen gift.</p>
<p>I do not think in terms of recouping money, and don’t think that is at all appropriate, but reality is that adult gift amounts tend to be loosely based on the average catering costs per person in a given area. I certainly did not look at it that way - our place charged the same thing for kids as for adults. That is my business and my choice as a host.</p>
<p>But as a guest or a parent of a guest, I tend to like giving toward the charity or the college fund.</p>
<p>^ But the child also gets plenty of money from friends of the family and relatives. Hoping to get money because the party costs a lot is tacky, imo. Give a party you can afford.</p>
<p>This is another situation where you just need to know what the local custom is and follow it. If it’s the local custom, it is not, by definition, weird, or wrong, or tacky, even if it may appear so to somebody from a place or group with different customs.</p>
<p>That being said, it’s my opinion that a non-cash nice gift from a non-Jewish friend will be happily accepted by the honoree (it may be preferred, in fact–if she’s being made to put some or all of her cash gifts in a college fund).</p>
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<p>Wow, 20K for a party? What does that entail? My daughter’s 2 year birthday party(she is graduating from college) took place in a catering place with Barney and other favors and over 100 guests, it was no where near 20K…</p>
<p>A bar/bat mitzvah celebration is usually a weekend event, artlovers. Costs cover a Friday night dinner for relatives/out of town guests, the luncheon after the service (usually open to the entire synagogue), a party later that day/night and a brunch the next day. Add in hospitality baskets for the out of town guests, a band/dj at the party, decorations, the food at the party (h’ors d’oevres and either a buffet or plated meal), etc. The costs add up.</p>
<p>I agree with roshke that the check is from the family and not the child. Which is why we would often write a check and buy a small gift (maybe some earrings or something relating to a hobby) but always less that around $15. My mom would have us make the card (she refused to buy bnei mitzvah cards) so that added a personal touch as well. This way the kid could use the money for what they wanted (/what the parents wanted) and they could also have a homemade card and a small present for themselves.</p>
<p>In my experience, when the invitation is child to child, anything that is appropriate for a 13th birthday party is fine, such as a gift card, inexpensive jewelry, an item related to an EC or sport. Adult family friends and relatives tend to give cash gifts in any amount, or multiples of 18. Large gifts are not expected. </p>
<p>The expense of a bar/bat mitzvah can vary. One reason for the cost is that it is not just about the 13 year old but the family and the community, and this can include visitors from out of town, so they usually stay for the weekend. While this might seem excessive in the short run, it’s an opportinity to have all generations together for a milestone celebration- resulting in memories and some priceless family pictures of everyone together.</p>
<p>One custom that some communities follow is that if a child receives a cash gift, it becomes the bar/bat mitzvah’s first opportunity to do the act of tzedakah ( charity) as a member of the congregation. The child donates a portion of the money to an organization he or she chooses. Some congregations also require the bar/bat mitzvah child to do a service project.</p>
<p>Try to attend the service if possible. It’s an opportunity for the child to share his/her tradition with their family and friends of any religious background.</p>
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<p>Now I’ve heard everything. The sweet mom is misguided on that point, in my opinion. The ceremony is likely to prove an interesting memory for your daughter, and worth missing one regular activity.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter chooses to attend the service, and yes, you as her parent can also go to the service (only) if you are curious. It’s a “house of worship for all peoples.” </p>
<p>Regarding the length of services of Reform vs. Conservative, I beg to differ! Typically a Reform Saturday morning service these days that includes a Bat Mitzvah runs 2 - 2.5 hours. People are expected to show up at the very start of a Reform service, too; the decorum is greater than in the other movements. Conservative, Orthodox and Reconstructionist services are longer, as some prayers are repeated. If for example those services start at 9:00 a.m., parents might informally tell guests to “show up at 10:30 or 11:00 a.m.” meaning right before the Torah service (child’s leadership role begins around that time). </p>
<p>You should give exactly what feels comfortable to you. This sounds odd, but I wouldn’t expect a nonJewish friend to give cash, because within the cohort of Bar/Bat Mitzvah children in a given year, they attend many of each others’ functions. So the cash just sloshes around among families, no net gain or loss. If you are not intending to reciprocate the invitation with a similar ceremony-plus-party later this year for your child, I just don’t think you need to feel you have to participate in cash expectations from among the Bat Mitzvah girl’s classmates from Hebrew School. JMO.</p>
<p>If you want to roll it all into one, you might contact the gift shop of the girl’s synagogue and buy a small item your daughter thinks is nice or pretty. That way, your daughter chose it, and the money goes to charitable purpose. Examples that cost under $25: an extra mezuzah case for her bedroom doorpost, kipa (headcovering) if she wears one, small costume jewelry, a photo frame. The salesperson at the gift shop can guide you on what’s appropriate so you won’t make a mistake religiously. Store hours vary, but the synagogue secretary can tell you when they open. JMO.</p>
<p>I am glad you said something about that (quote box) , P3T. It startled me as well. I remember when my S#1 was being bar mitzvah’ed a friend from out of town said she and her DH “didnt believe in religion” (she was raised Jewish, he was not) so they would not come to the service, (and her DH would feel uncomfortable entering a synagogue) but they would love to come to the party. Oh, and could they stay at our house and bring their dog? She truly did not understand why I was offended by this. She did not seem to understand, first and foremost, that the main event was the service/Bar Mitzvah (which in our shul is about 1.5 to at most 2 hrs) and that the subsequent events were to celebrate this occasion. When I explained that to her, she responded “I know you aren’t that religious”. :eek:. Needless to say we didn’t waste the stamp on an invitation to them. Many years later she told me I had “uninvited them” because we didnt have enough room for them. Uh, not quite, but OK.</p>
<p>At the conservative synagogue near us, many show up for bar/bat mitzvahs about an hour into the service, when the child will be called up to to the bimah.</p>
<p>Well said, Jym. Haha, at my temple the rabbi speaks long, plus the family wants 5-7 Aliyot these days 
It does build up an appetite.</p>
<p>LOL. We also get the 7 Aliyot, and sometimes there is a b’nai mitzvah, so there are double speeches, torah portions to explain, thank you’s etc, but somehow it still fits into the 10:30-noon time frame. Gotta love the reform shuls That said, there is little “coming and going” at our services. Most come and sit for the duration. Seems that there are more people entering and exiting during the conservative service, which runs 2 1/2 hrs or so.</p>
<p>Invitations to our conservative service were explicitly required to say 8:45 am ( start of services), despite the fact that most people who are not immediate family or observant temple goers don’t start to arrive until 10.</p>
<p>I got myself in a little hot water when I gave the informal heads up about arrival time to anyone I thought wouldn’t otherwise know. One couple included a husband, who had grown up in an observant, conservative family. I assumed he would know the deal, but apparently not, and they arrived punctually at 8:45 am. The wife said something to me to the effect that if people didn’t “need” to come so early, I shouldn’t have put that time on the invitstion. I felt badly, but she missed the point that the service indeed starts at 8:45.</p>
<p>Interesting. If Bat Mitzvah costs 20K, there are many Jewish holidays in the year, had that been 20K for each holiday, you go broke just host those holidays. :)</p>
<p>Rosh Hashanah 9/17/2012 9/5/2013 9/25/2014 9/14/2015 10/3/2016
Yom Kippur 9/26/2012 9/14/2013 10/4/2014 9/23/2015 10/12/2016
Sukkot 10/1/2012 9/19/2013 10/9/2014 9/28/2015 10/17/2016
Shemini Atzeret 10/8/2012 9/26/2013 10/16/2014 10/5/2015 10/24/2016
Simchat Torah 10/9/2012 9/27/2013 10/17/2014 10/6/2015 10/25/2016
Chanukkah 12/9/2012 11/28/2013 12/17/2014 12/7/2015 12/25/2016
Tu B’Shevat 1/26/2013 1/16/2014 2/4/2015 1/25/2016 2/11/2017
Purim 2/24/2013 3/16/2014 3/5/2015 3/24/2016 3/12/2017
Pesach (Passover) 3/26/2013 4/15/2014 4/4/2015 4/23/2016 4/11/2017
Lag B’Omer 4/28/2013 5/18/2014 5/7/2015 5/26/2016 5/14/2017
Shavu’ot 5/15/2013 6/4/2014 5/24/2015 6/12/2016 5/31/2017
Tisha B’Av 7/16/2013 8/5/2014 7/26/2015 8/14/2016 8/1/2017</p>
<p>Sorry art lovers. It totally doesn’t work like that. Annual holidays are just that. A bar/ bat mitzvah is a one time, special celebration.</p>
<p>I know you were trying to be funny, artlovers, but actually it’s a little insensitive and a little offensive.</p>
<p>At my kids’ school, there were bar/bat mitzvah and sweet 16s - Jews did bar/bat mitzvah and wasps did sweet 16s. The summer before those events, we would need to do major shopping for party dresses. The invitations could rival some wedding invitations. For bar/bat mitzvah it was always cash in the multiple, and sweet 16s were jewelry or cash cards. My kids received a lot of Tiffany coins (gift cards).</p>
<p>In my area, $18 was the average kid to kid gift. The worm did the entire Friday night and Saturday service, the Torah and Haftorah portions. Close friends gave computer games, books, a Chai necklace, sport bag, etc. Artlover, had you been there, you would have sensed the significance of the learning, the support of family and friends, and the small but lovely party as a celebration.</p>
<p>Of course, I’ve been to others where the child led one prayer, gave no speech, but had an amazing party. Lots of diversity in life.</p>
<p>The size of the parties varies from family to family depending on the number of out of town guests and that family’s customs. Theologically, the child becomes morally responsible for him/herself. Of course, true adulthood is a long ways away, and parents are still legally responsible, but it’s a celebration that the child can begin to make ethical choices, and can take some ceremonial responsibilities. Choosing a charity and donating a part of any gift money and/or doing a service project is a symbolic step of this milestone.</p>
<p>Here the kids participate in the Friday night and Saturday services, but the kids (friends of the bar/bat mitzvah) attend the Saturday service, not the Friday night service. The Fri night service, aside from the regular synagogue membership, is attended by family, some friends, and many of the out of town guests. The family of the bar/bat mitzvah usually hosts a dinner for the out of town guests before Friday night services, and hosts the Oneg (the gathering after Friday night services which includes desserts and beverages) for everyone who attended services on Friday night. Yes, the costs add up.</p>