<p>The family did send a nice, explanatory letter about the service (they are Reform); there just wasn’t much info about the party.</p>
<p>The service is not until February, so we have plenty of time to figure it all out. Thanks for your help!!</p>
<p>Youdon’tsay,
Since it is a Reform synagogue, your son should be at the service at the “start time” listed on the invitation. The evening party sounds like a “kids party,” and therefore dress may be more casual than people have mentioned here. Your child could speak to some other kids who are invited to see what they are wearing. He could even find out on the day of the Bat Mitzvah, by asking other kids at the synagogue what they will be wearing that evening. (He should have that conversation at the conclusion of the services, of course.;)) You might be able to figure out a bit more about the appropriate dress just by looking at where the evening party is being held.</p>
<p>About the socks - the “sports” or games that they’re talking about usually involve running around the dance floor at some point or another (think of variations on “Duck Duck Goose” but for older kids), and has nothing to do with dress. At my d’s bat mitzvah celebration, all the girls wore gowns. After the first 5 minutes, the expensive shoes came off and the socks went on! Boys also took off their dress shoes - read usually uncomfortable - but they had their own socks. It’s primarily for the girls because the stockings are too slippery on the dance floor. (We even had a small stash of new socks for kids who forgot theirs!)</p>
<p>The dress for an evening reception, if not specifically stated, is pretty much nice “party” clothes - not formal, not terribly informal. For a boy, a nice pair of pants and a button-down type shirt is fine; most usually wear ties but a jacket is not necessary.</p>
<p>And a call to the parents is perfectly acceptable to confirm dress choices.</p>
<p>(Oh, and yes, even at Reform, the gift is brought to the party.)</p>
<p>My kids did $36 or $54 (NY suburb) but I guess $18 okay in TX. My kids gave the envelope to the kid at the temple after the service (and my two kids that became bat mitzvah seemed to get most of their presents that way), but I think some people have rules about not exchanging $$ on Shabbat or in temple so maybe giving it at party is a good idea in that case.</p>
<p>Yes: Technically (more Orthodox than Conservative or Reform), one doesn’t handle money at all on the Sabbath, which extends from sunset on Friday to sunset on Saturday. So bring the money gift to the party, and then you’re clear of that little rule.</p>
<p>Also: Standard dress for boys for both services and party was khaki pants, button down shirt, tie, and navy sports coat. That is the “uniform” for all the Bar/Bat Mitzvahs (technically, the plural is B’nai Mitzvah) both my boys went to.</p>
<p>I agree with VeryHappy on the standard dress, with the understanding that once the party gets underway, the coat and tie are quickly shed, the shirtsleeves are rolled up, and the shirttails are out!</p>
<p>As others have said, money in a multiple of $18. I also give a US Savings bond - which the parents hold on to till college time.</p>
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<p>The going rate for bar/bat mitzvah in NYC is typically $101. Weddings here run well over $100,000 so most people give $500-$1000.</p>
<p>UriA702-$100 expected from a kid? Are you in Manhattan? Eeek!</p>
<p>H’s mom’s side is jewish and we just went this past summer to his cousins twins bat mitzvah. We gave each girl a coach purse, small one. </p>
<p>If you don’t like giving money, try giving a memory card for some gaming system or a yrs subscription to GameFly (it’s like netflix but for games…parents love it…they go on the net and order the game, it comes in the mail and return it through the mail…no more can we go to Blockbuster? 1 yr. subs. is about 50. My kids only now buy games that they have tried out, maye 1 a year. Gamefly also allows you to keep it as long as you want.</p>
<p>For a classmate (when only the kid is invited) $18 is absolutely fine!</p>
<p>If it is a family friend, and the whole family is invited, obviously more is appropriate.</p>
<p>On Long Island, $36 is definitely the standard gift. Out of like 50 kids invited, probably 32 gave $36, 8 gave $50, 5 gave $54, 1 gave $75, 1 gave $18 and 3 gave gifts (gold earrings, gold necklace and books.)</p>
<p>These were from classmates and camp friends. Most of her closest friends were invited with their families and gave gifts ranging from $250 to $400 for a family of 3 or 4.</p>
<p>I think there are definite regional differences in terms of amount and whether gifts are given. To be honest, monetary gifts were most apprecitated as I was able to open a sizeable 529 account for her. I allowed her to spend some of her “cash” gifts to buy something of her choice (she chose to start a Swaraski crystal collection of small bears)…and had her match the amount she spent on herself on a donation to a charity of her choice.</p>
<p>Middle DD just had her bat mitzvah in October and the outlook here in northern NJ is similar to what the previous poster wrote about Long Island. No $18s from anyone. Lots of $36s, a few $54s, one $75 from a good friend. The friends who could not afford $36 (or preferred not to give money) gave something DD would enjoy…there was a nice bath set with gel and lotion, a manga book, a couple of inexpensive pieces of costume jewelry, some gift cards to Barnes and Noble, all of which she liked very much because they are for NOW rather than the abstract LATER.</p>
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<p>IMHO, go to the party. DO NOT GO TO THE SERVICE. Boring is the best way to describe it unless you claim to be well-versed in Hebrew which I doubt you are if you are not Jewish. Especially if its an Ortho. Temple and they talk Hebrew more often.</p>
<p>My kids attend a school with a high Jewish population. I always insisted they go to the service if they were going to the party. It is, after all, what the occasion is all about. I went to the Bar Mitzvah of the son of a close friend and found it fascinating, even if I couldn’t follow the Hebrew readings. At one service my D attended, they handed out a pamphlet describing what was taking place, which was very helpful for the non-Jewish kids.</p>
<p>And the OP mentioned that it is a Reform service. Shorter, much more English, and generally a lot of music.</p>
<p>Go to the service. (gottaloveucla, sure love your intellectual curiosity about others.)</p>
<p>I’ll have to reread the letter. I don’t think I’m invited to the party as I remember it makes special mention of having a parent come to the service if the child would prefer, but there was no mention of coming to the party.</p>
<p>I’m glad you clarified the nicer dress at the party even with talk of running around in socks. We would have been way off in that regard.</p>
<p>I’ll still think about the gift. I guess I’m being mean/cheap, but the argument that a family spends $100,000 on the event holds no sway with me as that kind of extravagant spending is their choice and I don’t feel like a gift should be a tit-for-tat kind of thing. I have a friend whose son has been to several here, so she’ll know the going rate, and then I can decide how cheap I’ll let my son look. : )</p>
<p>I agree with those from the NYC area (the mitzvah-capital) who say $36 is the norm. More (eg 5x) for the close friends where the parents are also friends. </p>
<p>Parents don’t go to the party unless specifically invited. The service is optional for the parents and I recommend going if you have never been to one. After the first few it gets boring but maybe that’s just me. If your kid can’t make both the morning and evening affair it is quite OK to go to one or the other and express regrets. </p>
<p>Dress code for the evening party varies from dressy dance party clothes for the usual DJ-run events to casual for the sports-themed ones. Around here the socks are usually provided by the hosts.</p>
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<p>Yea, around here the parties tend to have way more adults than kids. It’s pretty much a family oriented event, as opposed to party for the kids friends. I guess it all depends on socioeconomics, a wedding say in Manhattan runs way over $100,000 assuming it’s a decent hall. Bar Mitzvah parties are about half of that, again assuming it’s a decent hall. Heck, the Bar Mitzvahs I’ve been to typically have well over 200 guests, if the family is real popular closer to 500. It’s nuts.</p>
<p>FYI, “bar/bat mitzvah” is a noun meaning “son/daughter of the Commandments” so a boy becomes a bar mitzvah when he is thirteen, whether he has a party or not. It is incorrect (although perhaps acceptable slang in many circles) to say “Are you having a bar mitzvah?” or “Her son is being bar mitzvahed”</p>