<p>Reform services are typically about 90 minutes and can be pretty entertaining. They will be at least 80 percent English, I would say. The kid gives a speech, the parents give a speech, the rabbi and a member of the congregation give speeches, all very short and often amusing. As a parent, you are certainly invited to the service. Your child, if he/she is attending the party, is expected to come to the service as well.</p>
<p>My kids have been to several “faux mitzvahs” for Christian friends which don’t involve any temple service at all, merely the $25,000 party (hora dancing, candlelighting and all).</p>
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All I can say is “Oy, vey is mir!”</p>
<p>We’ve been to a number of these events. In our experience (in the northeast), the event is really for the kids, but the adults get in on the action as well. Most Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah parties have a meal for the kids and a separate meal for the adults. In recent months we were at a great event which had a buffet for the kids and a sit down dinner for the grown ups (mostly relatives and close friends). A DJ really provided the entertainment including a lot of “contests” for prizes (don’t get too excited…nothing terrific, just fun). There were dances (think makarana and electric slide types…and the hora), sing alongs, and games. In the recent events there was either a photographer taking pictures individually and/or a person who drew caricatures. I have to say…lots of fun.</p>
<p>I never heard of the 18 thing before, but that sounds very nice. This isn’t like a wedding where the couple is hoping to match the gift amount with the cost of the event. Give a gift you feel comfortable giving.</p>
<p>Chedva: I couldn’t agree more!</p>
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I could not disagree more with this sentiment. The OP said she was interested to experience a bat mitzvah. I believe it has been clarified that it is a Reform temple, so there will be quite a bit of English.</p>
<p>Granted, the bar/bat mitzvahs I have attended have been those of extended family members, so I am prejudiced. But I find them extraordinarily moving. A young person will likely have substantial responsibility for the service, delivering a “sermon” on her Torah portion. Most impressive. There will likely be several of her family members taking important roles in the service, which she will introduce. It is a real tribute to family and the young person’s connection with and respect for her family. </p>
<p>The service may be long (couple of hours, I’m guessing). So be prepared for that.</p>
<p>If you have not been specifically invited to the party, that part is really for your son. The kids will have a lot of fun.</p>
<p>In my area of the Northeast (less monied and less materialistic, maybe, than greater New York), amounts of $18-20 for a gift (check, gift card to book/music store/mall) are quite acceptable for a 13-year old to be giving to another 13-year old, especially if they are not close friends (and maybe even if they are).</p>
<p>I agree with the OP that gift amounts should not be based on the cost of the party. These are gifts, not admission fees imo. I feel that way about weddings, as well. Although I realize I may be a dying breed.</p>
<p>Nope, not dying at all. I agree with you completely Jmmom.</p>
<p>Pretty tacky to avoid service and show up at reception. You should at least make up a good excuse.</p>
<p>I agree with you as well jmmom. In our area, most people give $25 or $30 gifts for regular birthday parties these days, so $36 or $54 doesn’t seem too over the top for a bar/bat mitvah party.</p>
<p>In South Florida, where many of the affairs can get quite extravagant, we always give $36 for casual friends and $50 for close friends. Most of the parties are sit-down 5 course dinners which are preceeded by an equally extravagant cocktail hour. Most of these parties cost the host/hostess at least 50$ per child ($150 per adult).</p>
<p>“I agree with the OP that gift amounts should not be based on the cost of the party. These are gifts, not admission fees imo. I feel that way about weddings, as well. Although I realize I may be a dying breed.”</p>
<p>Exactly. For instance, if my son’s best friend had a party at his house instead of some fabulous theme park, I wouldn’t give the kid any less. Our presents are based on our relationship with the person, not on the level of expected entertainment from the shindig.</p>
<p>“Faux mitzvahs” sound horrible! What parent would let their kid make light of a religious ceremony!?</p>
<p>Just read the entire thread. </p>
<p>SInce the OP said the service is in a Reform temple, a later poster who wrote this made a small error.
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<p>While this is true in an Orthodox or Conservative synagogue, in Reform synagogues ritual garments in the congregation continue to be a matter of PERSONAL CHOICE. </p>
<p>As you look around in a Reform congregation, you’ll see some males (and now also females) with skullcap head coverings, and some with prayer shawls, but it is all a matter of choice, still. Please know that for your S, along with any Jewish or nonJewish person entering a Reform temple, there is no requirement to take a headcovering. He might see a box, upon entry to the sanctuary, full of skullcaps. That’s a convenience to those who wish to wear it but forgot to bring one. If your S is curious and wants to put one on, that’s fine. It would be considered respectful and perfectly appropriate. BUT, if he’s uncomfortable, he should not feel pressured to do so by anyone. In concept, it demonstrates respect and humility, not group membership, so it’s perfectly fine for a nonJew to put one on, even if just curious to. </p>
<p>A prayer shawl (tallit), often white with fringes on 4 corners, is a more serious ritual garment than a skullcap, available to Jewish kids older than age 13. Just tell your S to bypass the prayer shawls, which might be hanging available at the sanctuary door, too. </p>
<p>Agreeing with important points made: parents always welcome at services (it’s called a “house of prayer for all peoples”); a child shouldn’t even think of going to the party without attending the service, this would be truly insulting to a family; the NYC $$ figures have no relation to other regions in the country; 18 or multiples of l8 are great.</p>
<p>Adding: in all but the Orthodox prayer books, whenever the congregation is reading Hebrew, you’ll see English translation immediately below it. Thus, your S can still follow the ideas. </p>
<p>Be sure to tell your kid to seek out or accept a prayer book for himself upon entry to the sanctuary. Not all kids do this, and then they don’t concentrate as well. Usually the ushers make sure each kid has one, but sometimes not. Your S will be able to follow along much better with a prayer book in hand. In addition, there are often copies of Bible (“Torah”) texts near the seats. These are two different books, both useful, but more important that he follow the prayer book throughout the service. </p>
<p>If you’re not at the service yourself, tell your S to stay put in the sanctuary, throughout the service, and not to side-whisper with his friends, regardless of what others his age do. If you end up going, he might sit with you or with his peers, as you see fit. He can also relocate himself during the service, so if he wants to sit with peers, keep a seat near you and let him know he can change his mind later, if he wishes.</p>
<p>The reason parents of schoolmates aren’t invited to the evening parties is the cost of the catering is so high. If, however, you wish to walk in and shake the parents’ hands and say you stopped in momentarily to wish them well, that’s quite lovely. Just don’t stay on to eat. The family has to report to the caterer how many “yes” RSVP’s there were, and then charges the family accordingly, whether it’s a buffet or sit-down plated meal.</p>
<p>If your sensibilities about gifts differ from those above, you are on solid ground, in terms of Jewish religion, to give a donation of $18 to a charity or the Temple itself, in the child’s honor, rather than directly gift the child. Just be sure to attach your name to it, and the child’s name, so the family will know you contributed in some way to the day. To arrange that, phone up the Temple office during a weekday; a secretary can handle it. </p>
<p>I hope your S enjoys this experience. It’s really an honor to be invited. Enjoy!</p>
<p>Hm. Did I just misadvise re: caterers and the ability of anyone to walk in briefly to shake the parents’ hand at the start of a party? We used to do that in a rural region in upstate NY. I don’t want anyone to incur a cost on a family just by walking into a room to say “hi.” If I misadvised, please stomp on me (or just gently update…) :)</p>
<p>We usually do $18 or $36 for gifts for classmates, and that was what my kids usually received as well (major East Coast metro area). My kids went to a couple full-blown shindigs, but we didn’t change the amount of the gift based on the hotel/facility where it was held. Whenever possible, I try to get a gift that has some religious significance (a book, challah cover, etc.) – but check with the parents on that, as a relative might be doing something/passing on a family heirloom as a gift. </p>
<p>Our synagogue lets parents create a program for the B/M day. I spent a lot of time on this, as we were having many friends attending who would not be familiar with the service. I included a lot of the traditions, the what and why of the service, a bit about the child’s Torah portion, etc. It gave the kids something to read/fiddle with, too. Ran it by the rabbi beforehand to make sure I hadn’t missed something egregious, then hit print.</p>
<p>My kids chose not to have a big shindig. My kids’ B/M parties consisted of an open house at home (and we don’t have a big house) for about 60-80 people with a big buffet that DS2 and DH prepared in advance, lots of computer games, movies, frisbee, touch football, etc. Some kids spent the night. (I picked up their overnight bags at school the day before so they didn’t have to bring them to the synagogue.) Oriental Trading is a great source of party favors, esp. glow sticks, personalized pencils, etc. DS2 wanted camouflage hats (OT had fabric hats for something like $18/dozen) and his friends STILL wear the things almost three years later. It was probably one of the more unusual parties their friends attended, but they still talk about it, so it couldn’t have been that bad!</p>
<p>I definitely run contra to the prevailing B/M culture, but there are alternatives. </p>
<p>Besides no cell phones – at Conservative and Orthodox synagogues, no cameras/video in the building on Shabbat.</p>
<p>Today, most Reform temples also have policies against upon using cameras and videos inside the sanctuary, during a worship service. The click-flash of the camera distracts and changes the mood significantly. Some (not all) Reform temples, might allow one family-hired videographer to film the ceremony, requiring him not to move around but instead use a tripod.
In the Conservative and Orthodox synagogues, the issue is not to turn on new electricity, while for the Reform the issue is not to distract by creating excessive movement or lights that will distract thoughts. Either way, refrain from photographing during a service. You might see a family photographer assembling key family members on the altar, but that will all be before or after the actual service. Sometimes those guys will let a family member or friend stand nearby and click the same group, but you have to ask him permission.</p>
<p>Some Reform temples prohibit cameras in the worship sanctuary but don’t mind as soon as people move on to the social hall or outdoors. A simple weekday phone call to the Temple office will answer this matter of congregational policy. If unclear, ask to speak with the Rabbi briefly to know the policies of that specific congregation. These are ways to avoid asking the family directly, which is another choice.</p>
<p>There is certainly no prohibition to filming at the Saturday evening party, except that in a Conservative or Orthodox event, wait until after sunset (end of Sabbath day) to click away.</p>
<p>I feel this is all too much info for a l3 year old. If he wants to bring any kind of camera, bring it to the Saturday evening party and click away. Or not.</p>
<p>COunting Down, your home-based party sounds great. That was our approach, too. You’d probably enjoy a rentable comedy movie called “Keeping up with the Steins” about Bar Mitzvah culture in L.A. and one family’s decision to take it down a few notches.</p>
<p>We asked my FIL (age 87) about Bar Mitzvah gifts in his day, and he brightened, “They gave me an orange!”</p>
<p>There’s a new custom in North America at some of the parties for candlelighting and saying a cute poem or story to honor important relatives; sometimes accompanied by a song choice. These can be very cute and interesting, but they are not essential to the service. If a family does not do this, they have not left something out. It’s an extra, albeit a nice one. Some clergy say that families put a bit too much attention/preparation time into this component at the expense of preparing the child to read and lead the service well in the morning. But obviously these candlelighting or spoken ceremonies are enjoyed by families at the parties. </p>
<p>A deeper look at Bar Mitzvah culture is from Rabbi Jeffrey Salkin (Reform), “Put God On the Guest List.”</p>
<p>Anyone interested in a brand new read about Bar MItzvah culture can access the Dec. 07 speech at the Union for Reform Judaism’s biennial in San Diego. Chief Rabbi Eric Yoffie discussed it at length, seeking more attendance from the unrrelated lay members of the congregation, move the spotlight off praising/boasting about the child’s worldly accomplishments, and more towards community connection and responsibilities. Maybe the self esteem pendulum is under question? Anyway, an interesting speech; google up URJ, San Diego Biennial, Yoffie.</p>
<p>At our temple the 'rents could not, would not, stick to the five minute time limit for praising the bar mitzvah’s long lifetime of intellectual, academic, athletic and philanthropic contributions to society…so after many warnings, reminders, pleadings, the rabbi decided there just weren’t going to be any speeches.</p>
<p>We parents didn’t get to give a speech at all. Parents get an aliyah, and if one parent is not Jewish, one can choose to do a reading or present brief thoughts. That’s it. </p>
<p>DS2 had a complicated week for his B/M that required three Torah scrolls (Pekudei, Shekhalim, Rosh Chodesh). At our shul, the B/M only gets to carry the scroll if he/she has learned the Torah service. DS2, DH and Grandpa (with DS1’s help) carried the scrolls around the shul – it was an incredible moment. Grandpa was thrilled beyond measure.</p>
<p>The B/M is also expected to do a community service project of sorts. My kids didn’t find anything that particularly struck their fancy, but they became excellent readers, so joining the stable of Torah readers became their service. They continue to read w/cantillation on a regular basis. DS2 also puts in lots of time w/the catering committee, as he loves to cook. Both have helped with Hebrew tutoring, too, though they keep that pretty low key.</p>
<p>Indeed, no speeches for the parents where we are either, for exactly the reasons that Muffy states. Instead, H gave a very moving speech at the beginning of the lunch party we had for S afterwards.</p>
<p>No speech from the parents? That’s terrible! In our temple, you have to write it in advance so the rabbi can clear it, but you DO get to make a speech. The temple gives parents a memo reminding them not to mention anything embarrassing to the child (for example, “length of time spent in diapers”) and it says in big letters at the top “NO MORE THAN THREE MINUTES!” </p>
<p>On the other hand, I loathe those endless candle-lighting ceremonies at the party.</p>