<p>I’m not a fan of the candle-lighting either, but I don’t think the lack of speeches is so terrible. Do read Rabbi Yoffie’s sermon which p3t mentions above: it has an excellent section discussing the fact that in many congregations the b’nai mitzvah have taken over Saturday morning services to the point where you don’t bother to attend if you’re not invited, something that’s certainly the case at our Reform temple. The child should be part of the service rather than the center of it, which is much more the case in the Conservative synagogues I’ve been in.</p>
<p>I think B’nai Mitzvahs are showing a shift to basics (except in NY, no offense)
I used to go to some of the most lavish ones, where more that 600 people were invited, some expensive acts would come and weird attractions would be at the parties, too extravagant. During the last couple of years, instead, I have had the pleasure to attend the most heartfelt B’nai Mitzvahs. The services were filled with people who are there to celebrate the occasion, happy to be there, all the congregation is invited to the kiddush, and a party at night just for kids is good enough. This is what’s going on in the South, and is refreshing. I hope is a trend to continue, to remember what the meaning of the whole thing is.</p>
<p>This movie has all of the elements of this thread:
[Keeping</a> Up With The Steins | MIRAMAX](<a href=“Keeping Up With The Steins -”>http://www.keepingupwiththesteins.com/) Click on the trailer!</p>
<p>That movie summarizes it all</p>
<p>Great movie!!!</p>
<p>When one of my kids became bat mitzvah two years ago, I got a coffee table book called “Bar Mitzvah Disco” with a foreword by the Village People. It is photographs and anecdotes of the tackiest bar/bat mitzvah parties in the last 30-40 years.</p>
<p>Multitasker,
I am sure you were just trying to make a point with your generalization about B’nai Mitzvot in NY, so I won’t take offense. 
I am quite sure that there are many “over the top” celebrations in NY, but the generalization is a bit much. We live in the NY metro area and when my twin sons had their B’nai Mitzvah service in our Conservative congregation, my sons davened the ENTIRE service, our immediate family handled ALL the Torah reading (full reading-not triennial), my husband gave the D’var Torah, etc. We had an evening party in our synagogue, with a DJ and about 150 guests and most everyone, including my sons seemed to have a great time. This is our idea of what the day should be about. The emphasis was on the service, with a later emphasis on partying. So, now that we’ve gotten the thread completely off track, I go back to what I told the OP on the first page. A monetary gift of $18 or $36 would be appreciated, and check with other guests or the host re: appropriate dress for your son for the party in the evening.</p>
<p>With all the discussion of cash amounts, I just want to emphasize that many school friends also give “things” instead, such as: book, CD, hobby item…whatever one would give at as a birthday kind of gift. </p>
<p>Once I suggested on a CC thread that, for a Reform Bar or Bat Mitzvah, the purchase of a Torah Commentary by Rabbi W.Gunther Plaut (used in most Reform temples weekly, arrangeable for purchase through a synagogue office or Amazon) is the perfect price and a brilliant gift to take off to college someday, too, for term paper references. Comparably, the Torah commentary by Hertz would be familiar to Conservative students. </p>
<p>I almost got my head bitten off but I still suggest it anyway. </p>
<p>Sometimes the B’nai MItzvah classmates or Sisterhood/Brotherhood buy the student a prayer book, but to have a bound copy of the Torah and Commentaries is pretty cool, IMO. If it’s too costly, of course, one can always double ir triple up with other pub1lic school classmates to buy it together. Ask for Torah plus Commentaries, Five Books of Moses. It will have Hebrew, English, and discussion notes. Students know and use the book at services, but generally do not own it. I think it’s a lifelong treasure to own it.</p>
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<p>Very good idea. The five books of Torah is a great idea and a collection can be found for under $30 in most judaica book stores.</p>
<p>Our temple only had Saturday services when there was a B’nai Mitvah so it did center on the child, but was the regular service and absolutely open to all. Parents were invited to give a brief speech to their child just before the service started and as noted elsewhere it had to be submitted for review in advance. We had a very touching Torah passing ceremony during the service where the Rabbi passed it along the generations, ending up with our son. He also gave each child a private personal word in front of the open ark.</p>
<p>Our temple was the only one within 15 miles in any direction so everyone had very different backgrounds and the celebrations etc. varied accordingly - there was no “norm”. We had a hotel luncheon then took everyone to a late afternoon matinee performance at the local theater followed by a casual supper party.</p>
<p>One gift we like to give to close friends and relatives is this atlas available online: A Historical Atlas of the Jewish People : From the Time of the Patriarchs to the Present. We also give a small gift certificate. In our area the $18 gift from a child would be totally appropriate.</p>
<p>Just another point on the service–temples, even Reform temples, can vary pretty significantly on what the local customs are, such as whether most people actually show up at the start time or not, and whether every male wears a head covering. It probably makes sense to ask the parents if they haven’t explained all this in a note with the invitation. Also, the amount of English used, the kind of music, etc., may vary. But I agree with those who say the invited kids should definitely go to the service–it’s a moving experience, and it’s really what the event is about, not the party.</p>
<p>I totally agree that it is pretty poor form to attend the party afterwards if you haven’t been to the service - unless there is a good reason. Of course, sometimes the reason is that there are two services taking place at the same time (at two different temples), with one afternoon party and one evening party on the same day. Dualing bar mitzvah receptions can likewise turn into issues for the hosts as well as a source of confusion to guests. Just keep in mind that once you have RSVPed that your child will attend, the hosts must guarantee your child’s place at the reception (several days in advance, generally speaking). Sometimes, parents are not aware that if their child skips the party at the last minute or tries to split the parties (going to one for cocktail hour fun and games and the other for dinner) that one family is stuck paying the bill for a kid who was never really there at all. </p>
<p>Our synagogue also does not allow for parent speeches on the bimah for the reasons some others have given. I know that our rabbi also felt that it put too much attention onto the bar mitzvah (parents) as opposed to the service itself. I’m not a huge fan of long candlelighting ceremony at the parties either - but we did them and they do serve some useful purposes - to gather some of the family groups together for photo ops and to honor special family members. </p>
<p>Also, regarding those photo ops - Paying3tutions, I’m late answering your Q, but you asked about the appropriateness of (uninvited) parents coming in at the onset of the party to offer congrats, etc. I would say that if it were just one or two people doing that I’d think it was lovely, but I honestly wouldn’t encourage everyone to do this unless you know the hostess won’t mind. The reason - many families come in from all over the US and don’t have time for group photos until the actual day - so that in many cases the cocktail hour or first part of the party before the meal is very busy and being used by the photographer for this purpose. If that’s the case, a better time to drop in to offer congrats would be at the oneg after temple services (although the family may not stay long if reception is immediately following) or at the end of the party when you are picking up. But since it really is unusual for a parent to do this - I, personally, would have been charmed. Just wouldn’t want to deal with 100 people doing it while I am also trying to get around to all the invited people, take photos, etc!</p>
<p>Re: gifts. I raised some hackles in my family when the last bat mitzvah rolled around, but I prefer to give gifts to relevant charities in the honoree’s name. I’m not interested in commemorating a religious coming of age by giving a young person his 50th iTunes gift certificate or Wii game, particularly when the recipient is very well off. It’s the right time for the young person to start thinking about his or her responsibility to the community. If a gift to a Jewish charity is not warmly appreciated, then IMHO the meaning of becoming a Jewish adult has failed to take hold, and the kid needs to head back to the Torah.</p>
<p>[Seeds</a> of Peace | Seeds of Peace](<a href=“http://www.seedsofpeace.org/]Seeds”>http://www.seedsofpeace.org/) is a good one that focuses on teenagers. Donations to organizations that plant trees in Israel or help young immigrants learn Hebrew are also popular among crotchety old-timers like myself.</p>
<p>We gave $36 to most kids and $54 to the best friends. I was assured by Jewish parents money was more acceptable than presents. (And a good portion of the money went ot college funds.) You can get nice cards to put them in. I agree with VeryHappy’s uniform of khaki pants, white shirt, blue blazer and tie. All of which last about 10 minutes into the party. In our experience the guys can pick up yarmulkes for their heads at the door. I don’t find the ceremonies too boring - and there are usually commentaries on the Torah that you can read that are really fascinating. (At least I thought so.)</p>
<p>Both my kids received (and we have given) the atlas Marilyn mentioned. Very nice gift! </p>
<p>If the B/M plans to continue reading Torah with cantillation, the Kestenbaum Torah compendium has all the readings for the year and holidays, with English, Hebrew with trope and and vowels, and an aligned non-vowel version. I bought this for us after DS1’s B/M and while DS2 was preparing. Three of us now read, but not fluently enough to use some of the other books. Kestenbaum is meticulous in its accuracy and was what our tutor recommended. Not many kids I would recommend this gift for, but if you have a niece/nephew/friend who has really loved learning to read Torah, this might be a meaningful gift.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t do this without checking with the parents, though. Kids learn their B/M parshahs in a variety of modalities, and not everyone is interested in continuing to read afterwards. A Siddur is great – check with the parents to see if the kids received on as part of their Hebrew school education (mine both did).</p>
<p>I agree with the concept of children learning to give to charity, but to me it is better to give a monetary gift to the child and hope that they will give a portion to charity, rather than impose the lesson on the child by giving a charitable donation directly.</p>
<p>I don’t think a child’s gift should be determined by how much money their parents may have in the bank. (The same way a gift should not be determined by how much the parents spent on the party.) </p>
<p>I like the idea of giving the child a start in life by helping contribute to a “bank” account that can be used for college, grad school, a down payment, etc. We can’t assume that just because a child’s parents have assests that they will be available to the child as an adult. Look at how many “wealthy” parents turn their backs on their children when it comes to paying for college!</p>
<p>While money is not the only appropriate gift, I still think it is a nice way of commemorating a child’s achievement and rite of passage.</p>
<p>Most of the kids around here have a *mitzvah<a href=“charity”>/I</a> project that they must complete as part of the bar/bat mitzvah training. Some arrange book drives, some volunteer at homeless shelters, most will give a portion of their gifts to charity. I didn’t feel the need to do the donations myself.</p>
<p>We generally gave some sort of gift to d’s friends; she selected it and they were generally inexpensive but they were wat the kid wanted.</p>
<p>For family b’nai mitzvah, we give a Judaic gift that won’t be given by the synagogue’s sisterhood or brotherhood, generally a havdallah set (used to commemorate the end of Shabbat). If it’s a girl, we also give a book relfecting on women’s roles in the Torah - The Five Books of Miriam or The Women’s Torah Commentary. These are gifts that might not mean much to a 13 year old, but we hope will be valued by a 25 year old.</p>
<p>“to me it is better to give a monetary gift to the child and hope that they will give a portion to charity”</p>
<p>Based on my classmates’ bar and bat mitzvahs – HAH! You can hope that they launch a portion in a rocket to Mars, too. Go right ahead.</p>
<p>It’s not a 13th birthday party. The family and the child are standing before God and the community and stating that they are embracing an ancient value system and accepting responsibility for its perpetuation. Different people find different gifts appropriate on such an occasion. As an adult Jew, I think an expression of the value system the young adult has studied and adopted is an ideal gift.</p>
<p>“rather than impose the lesson on the child by giving a charitable donation directly.”</p>
<p>You’re making a statement to the recipient no matter what you give. Do you think it’s inappropriate to give a Judaica gift like a commentary book? Neither a Torah commentary nor a gift to a Jewish charity “imposes” any lessons on the young adult. He or she has voluntarily and publicly stated that he or she already accepts the lesson and intends to put it into practice. He or she is also free to ignore the charitable gift or let the book gather dust on the shelf.</p>
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<p>Around here it’s very common for a portion of the child’s monetary gifts to be given to charity. My son and most of his friends did this, often, as Chedva says, as part of their mitzvah project. And after all, a 13-year-old can’t open a bank account on his own, so a parent is going to have to help deal with the checks…</p>
<p>Hanna-you are absolutely 100 percent correct that giving to Seeds of Peace in honor of the occasion and not giving a gift to the kid is appropriate!! But honestly, if you were my relative and could afford to give a gift, and I was making the guest list for the next bar mitzvah, I might leave off Aunt Seeds of Peace! Yes, I’m crass and tacky, but that’s how I would feel :-)</p>
<p>I guess in the end it is a matter of how you perceive the child who has been bar/bat mitzvahed–and whether you believe that they can truly embrace the adult concept of giving to charity and whether you believe they willl act upon it. Hanna…you have obviously drawn the conclusion that many families have raised children without values, and that children will not voluntarily do the right thing. When you give directly to a charity for the child (because you believe they won’t do the right thing on their own), you are taking away the opportunity for them to learn the benefits of performing a charitable act on their own. Both of my daughters gave to Victims of Terrorism through UJA, and felt a real connection to what others were experiencing in the world. It was a moving lesson and made them feel proud to know that they had chosen to help other families.</p>
<p>I guess I have more faith in the children I know who have been bar/bat mitzvahed. I have seen them work tiredlessly on mitzvah projects and I have seen them make large contributions to charity. I have seen these children grow as they approach high school into mature young adults who have continued giving back to their community. Is it all children? Obviously not. But enough that I have faith that for many children, the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony marks the beginning of their maturity into giving and caring adults!
And a celebratory party and gift is not inappropriate to mark this occassion.</p>
<p>P.S.–I think a Judaic gift is perfectly appropriate. My only reservation is that many temples give out prayer books, wine cups and candlesticks, etc. to the children. So I hesitate to give these unless I know they will not be duplicated by others or can be easily exchanged/returned.</p>