Why aren’t both parents going to Europe with their child?
This situation I would address by saying, “I really want to go to Europe too. How about you visiting your parents/brother/somewhere inexpensive for a week with a child to match my seeing my parents and we save up together for a great family trip to Europe next year? Otherwise, it’s not really fair for me to miss out on Europe and due to the cost we can’t make two trips. You wouldn’t want me to go without you for the same reason, right?”
One spouse doesn’t have the vacation time (darn work).
Does the spouse travel? Next time he (assuming it’s a he) goes on a work trip, say that counts as a vacation. So now you get to take a vacation.
That is absurd and everyone knows it.
As much fun as it is to visit your parents ;). It’s an obligation, not a vacation.
I have a family member who loves to bean count, usually in their case everything comes out even in the long run. This isn’t bean counting, it’s exaggerating a justification.
Yup. Been there. One spouse decides that, since the other “chose” time off to visit Mom, the other gets to decide how he gets to spend time off. Now that “sounds” reasonable, right? You went skiing, I want to do xxx. But in this case, there’s no sense of the rest of the balance: duty vs fun, cost differences, taking the whole family, and more.
Best to you, OP. It takes some talking. And if he spends 4k this year, maybe next year, you call the shots.
@busyparent – that’s a whole new thread!
Hmmm…
We’re talking money here and I’m assuming that because you titled this “Bean Counting”.
These two experiences do NOT equate in either money value or experience in answer to your question.
Here’s what we do…
We never bean count. 40 years you can’t keep count.
In my world my H likes to ski and go on some trips that I’m invited to but in no way want to participate. Some are pricey and some not.
In the same vein I have clubs and hobbies that have a price tag .
I don’t know if it equals out in our interests money-wise but I think it equals out time-wise and in commitment.
We want each other to be happy…
Is your spouse’s parent still alive? How about if he takes kid two to visit that grandparent for a long weekend…without you.
Then…plan the trip to Europe next year when everyone has vacation time to all go.
Thx for the feedback. Spouse’s family is local and now both parents deceased. This is only a bit about the money differential. its about spouse feeling it’s equivalent.
Spouse did say - do you mind if I go to Europe with child X and I said sure.
It was the comment- figured it was ok because you go see your mom w/o me so I can go w/o you that started this.
Why isn’t the spouse taking both kids to Europe?
Then you could take kid x to visit the grandparents sometime in the future…alone.
OR why doesn’t your spouse go see your mom with kid X for a long weekend without you??
It would be one thing if your spouse was saying he was going to NY to see a show for a weekend or something…but a week long trip to Europe just doesn’t seem in any way equitable with a trip to see grandma.
“One spouse doesn’t have the vacation time (darn work).”
I think it would depend on how much of a budget breaker the trip to Europe is. If money is very scarce and future trips are unlikely, I guess I could see begrudging your spouse’s trip to Europe with your child. However, since it seems you can’t take the time off from work anyway due to lack of vacation time, I wouldn’t want to prevent my family members from the opportunity just because I couldn’t go.
Is it purely a money issue or is it not? I’d tell my spouse the two trips aren’t equivalent both in terms of money and the experience but I wouldn’t prevent him from going.
@doschicos the op is asking if these trips are equitable.
My opinion…they are not.
Yes, I did read that @thumper1. Of course, they aren’t equal, AS I STATED. However, this is one’s immediate family. One’s spouse and child. In my opinion, things don’t need to be equal. If OP could get the time off to go on a trip, then she should go to. In this case she can’t so if it was me, I wouldn’t begrudge my loved ones the trip. If money is very tight for this family and traveling is a very rare event for this family, that might make it a little different. Bottom line, she can’t go on the trip because she doesn’t have the vacation time. My advice is to stop discussing what is “fair” and let loved ones enjoy themselves.
Meant to say- sure go on the trip, I don’t mind.
I do want it recognized they aren’t equivalent
Just tell him that they are in no way equivalent. End of story. If he wants to be delusional about it, that’s his problem. 
@busyparent is not saying the spouse can’t go on the trip. Just wants some acknowledgment that these are not equivalent trips.
My question…what will child one say (the one who isn’t going to Europe)? Will that kiddo feel slighted in any way. Will she wonder why she isn’t invited to go to Europe?
Will kid two ever go see the grandmother?
ETA…we do not always give gifts that are if equal value…but this one sort of smacks of favoritism towards the kid getting taken to Europe…unless, of course, kid one prefers to visit her grandma.
I’m not sure I’d stop him, either. Unless this the only time anyone in the family would ever get there. There’s always next year to balance the costs, if that’s the primary concern.
Why Europe?
I can see why you’re bothered, @busyparent. What your spouse said is the equivalent of the following: “I’m going on a fun trip to Europe for a week with our child, you can’t go because you can’t take the time off work, I feel a little guilty, but I’m going to eliminate my guilt by pretending that your weekend visit to your parent is the same as my week-long trip to Europe.” Maybe you could respond with, “I hope you have a great time. But you know I’d like to go if I could, so please don’t try to pretend that my weekend away to see my parent is the same as your week away in Europe.”
Totally agree…go on the trip. But these are not equitable trips in any way.
Did spouse come from a home where everything had to be even? My H came from such a home. He was concerned about my feelings when he bought his most recent car because it cost 1/3 more than mine.
I assured him that I didn’t care-- I got the car I wanted and he got the car he wanted, and we could afford both, so there was no issue. I had to repeat that a few times; he wasn’t sure I’d be okay with it.
As rosered55 suggested, your spouse may be equating the two trips out of a need to feel there was no inequity or unfairness.
Why Europe?