“This is an issue between the spouses with one feeling justified to go for a week alone in Europe with a kid because I went without them for a weekend to see my mom”
In my universe my H would be paying me big time to go visit his mom. That would be worth a lot more than a simple trip to Europe. Just sayin’.
Don’t know about anyone else’s mom but going home to visit doesn’t equal a vacation no matter how great the relationship.
Ok we have a winner. When I read @rosered55 comments they rang true to what I am feeling. Don’t pretend they are equivalent to ease your mind, own that they aren’t equivalent.
However, I believe this person does believe they are equivalent, and it left me thinking, am I the crazy one?
Thanks for reassuring me that I am not off base thinking they are not the same.
There is a legit reason for Europe and I don’t think the other kids will care. Today, I wanted validation of my not thinking they are equivalent. Thanks very much.
The husband didn’t say they were equivalent or equitable, did he? As reported here he only pointed out that travelling “alone” with a kid now had precedent.
I think you may have misread your spouse’s intent with the comment. Spouse wasn’t saying, Europe is the same as grandma’s. And not about the money. The focus was on spouses taking separate trips without the other part.
That is: you went to see your parents without partner, but with one of the kids. Partner was at home feeling left out and a little lonely … but didn’t complain or object. Now partner knows you can’t come to Europe because of work — and is assuming the spouse-traveling-separately-with-kid precedent was already set. The comment was not about the type of trip, but rather on the togetherness vs. separation thing.
I’d add that internet forums aren’t really the place to resolve spousal conflict. This isn’t a matter of who’s right. It’s a matter of communications and a possible misunderstanding. Your question focuses on objective facts when the probable issue is one of feelings – probably along the lines of feelings associated with being left out.
The OP wrote:
And
So…yes the other spouse does feel these are equivalent experiences…and this OP does not.
Thank you @thumper1
Probably a better word than experience is justification. I am ok going w/o you to Europe because you went w/o me to your mom’s.
Interesting the assumption is the one going to Europe is the husband
But again, you are framing this as Europe vs. parent – when spouse’s comment may have been focused on together vs. separate.
That is, maybe spouse meant to say: “I figured it would be ok for me to travel separately with one of our kids and without you, because you recently traveled separately with one of our kids without me.”
And you heard: “I figured going to Europe for a week would be ok because you went to visit your mom for a weekend.”
Thank you @calmom that may be the correct way to see this
Guess you could ask your husband what exactly he meant by the comment. I sure would.
Wow, I can see that the comment by the spouse who is going to Europe with one child is certainly stirring up a LOT of feelings and conflicts on this thread. I haven’t read anyone who believes the trips are in any way “equivalent.” Sounds pretty unbalanced and unfair to most of us.
I wouldn’t permit my husband to take one of our kids on an expensive trip like that and leave the other home. I don’t care if the children care now or not. I care. And their not caring now doesn’t mean they won’t care in the future. I suppose if you can afford European vacations on a regular basis then one child going this year and one next year wouldn’t be as big of a deal as long as they knew that’s what the plan was. Our lives aren’t like that.
If my husband took a trip to Europe without me, we’d have a problem. If we don’t have the time to go on a major trip together we take a shorter trip and save the bigger excursion for when we’re both free. It feels to me like your husband cares more about traveling to Europe than he cares about traveling with you, and since you can’t go he’ll take one of the kids. If true, that’s not very nice.
I don’t think your trip to your mom’s has anything to do with this. The question is whether or not it’s appropriate to take a major vacation without your spouse. Unless traveling to Europe is a commonplace occurrence for your family or you’re taking a trip to Europe (with a friend, your mom, one of your children) the next time you have vacation time, I don’t think it’s appropriate for your husband to take a major vacation without you. Discussing equivalencies is a red herring, in my opinion, and it takes the discussion away from the real issue. Why not ask him to wait until you have vacation time so you can take the trip together?
I have two very different kids. We got an opportunity to spend two weeks in Scotland. My older son hates traveling, doesn’t like hiking and is the world’s pickiest eater. We gave him the choice of going to Scotland with us, or going to nerd camp. He chose camp. The other went to Scotland with us and still counts it as one of the best trips he had growing up. It was also great to have some one on one time with the younger brother who I think often felt like he didn’t get as much attention.
Re post #45 and the assumption that the one going to Europe is the husband: These trips might be occurring/planned in a different universe from the one I am living in, but I am 99% sure that the one going to Europe is the husband, without ever having me the family, or even having read the entire thread.
No way equivalent.
We don’t know if OP is female, male or that the spouse is opposite gender. Just saying because I got caught in this assumption, as well. Not our concern. My apologies.
@austinmshauri, I guess families are different. My husband didn’t have any problem with my traveling to Africa with kids (two separate times). He couldn’t take the time off from work, but he wanted us to go, anyway.
busyparent said it was an assumption that the husband was going to Europe, not that it was incorrect. There is always the leftover 1%, but I am still putting 99% probability on it being the husband.
My H agrees that the two trips are in no way similar or “equal.” Duty vs pleasure not in same league.
Anyway, I like calmom’s interpretation.
I would be upset if H went to Europe without me. That is because I have never been, and he knows how I long to go … it’s a retirement bucket list item. It would be a huge slap in the face if he decided to do that, with or without one of our kids. Fortunately, I am confident that he would never do that. And I think that is the true issue here. It sounds to me like OP and spouse need to talk about it (more … and honestly).
It’s pretty obvious to most everybody that a trip to the grandparents for the weekend and a trip to Europe for a week are not equivalent. So it’s hard to respond to that. Why does your husband believe they are equivalent? That seems to be the real question.