Funny enough my husband is on his way now to pick up our son to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s for a few days. He’s on medical leave right now, and hubby invited him along. Son loves his grandparents to death, hasn’t been out there in a long time and I think it’s a great bonding trip for a father/son trip.
We are going to Iceland for New Years. Son has zero interest in travelling. He deals with migraines, he gets anxious and out of sorts traveling. My daughter is coming and bringing a friend. Both were offered the opportunity.
I do not even steven the kids. My philosophy has always been, I treat each evenly over time and they get more time, money and attention at some times than the other. One went to a private college, one to a public. The one that is off work right now is getting help from us, but the other one likes to travel so she does that more.
Re husband vs. wife: In my family, my wife, justifiably, felt some hostility from my parents and one of my siblings, and there was a period in which she excused herself from visiting my parents and sibs, so I took our kids there without her several times. During the same period, she arranged a week-long trip to England with the kids at a time I couldn’t go because of work. She had much more control over her schedule than I did.
This was not a big issue in our marriage. But she never said she was entitled to go to England without me because I had gone to visit my parents without her. That would have ticked me off!
It sounds like this is less about things being even for the kids than for the spouses. I get that. The OP initially said s/he would be fine with the other parent taking the trip to Europe but is annoyed that spouse #2 doesn’t seem to recognize that this does not make them even-Steven.
My husband travels more than I do and always has. During a large part of our marriage he had fun work vacations that I was invited to but couldn’t attend because one of us needed to be home with the kids. He also travels with his soccer buddies internationally to almost every World Cup. I would be seriously irritated if he didn’t recognize the unevenness of this. To his credit, he has always known how to work me. Before and after every trip he would, without being asked, take on a disproportionate share of the child care duties and would encourage me to do things that I wanted to do like go away for a weekend with my friends. It works because even though it is uneven we both recognize that fact and do what we can to at least make things feel fair.
I’m in the camp that says the OP and spouse need to sit down and discuss this. Otherwise it will grate on the OP. The OP should also recognize that their spouse did ask about the trip so it will be important to have an honest adult conversation with their spouse and avoid passive aggressive behavior or whining or s/he will lose any good will they would have had with their spouse from saying okay to the trip.
DH and I have traveled separately with our D to Europe numerous times, and it has been perfectly fine with both of us. D and DH have taken 2 hiking trips (one actually to Canada, another to Scandinavia), and last summer D and I went to Prague together. DH had already scheduled a hiking trip with our nephew (recently lost his father) to Switzerland, so he was totally okay with me getting take a trip as well.
We don’t keep count of stuff like this. When DH was getting chemo, he insisted I take D to France for her graduation trip. D knows I don’t care about hiking, so she and DH planned the two separate hiking trips. I believe it’s healthy for our kids to spend time with parents separately sometimes. The dynamic is different, and I support it completely.
All of this, however, is completely different from the OP. I would have no problem with DH and D going on a trip without me, but it would definitely tick me off if he tried to say the two trips are equivalent.
Best advice I received as a parent was that ‘fair isn’t always equal and equal isn’t always fair.’ That applies to the adults, too. OP has traveled a lot, it seems. It also seems there’s some background reason, "“Why Europe.”
The issue isn’t that a spouse went with a child to Europe and the other spouse went to visit the spouse’s mom. The issue is that one spouse claims these are equivalent things. And they aren’t. It is fine to take separate trips and spend differing amounts of money, but it is not okay to call these things equivalent.
Hey, spouse went to SisIL’s funeral out-of-state so that means I can have a fun & exciting trip to Europe! Wow–fascinating accounting and definitely other “stuff” going on. :-&
No, that’s not what happened. What happened - or at least what’s been reported - is that Spouse B made an offhand comment that Spouse A interpreted to mean to be drawing an equivalent, resulting in hurt feelings.
There is no indication that the discussion went beyond that point. It’s possible, but it seems just as likely that Spouse A has been nursing the hurt feelings and rather than bringing them up with Spouse B, has come onto CC looking for moral support.
The key aspects of the conversation (as reported by Spouse A):
Spouse B: Do you mind if I …?
Spouse A: Sure, go ahead, that’s fine with me…
Spouse B: Thanks. I figured it would be OK because …
I don’t see the value in fanning the flames of a dispute between spouses - is our goal here to create marital discord?
Because it makes a lot more sense for couples to work together on improving communications than to view every misunderstanding or miscommunication as a competition that needs to be won.
calmom, I wish you were around here to interpret many of the conversations I have had! Your generosity is an inspiration. Seriously.
The pessimistic side of me though wonders whether the word “equivalent” or “same” or something similar was used by the spouse. That would disrupt your interpretation.
If the conversation occurred as you suggest, you are certainly right.
Can’t read the whole thread. But I hope the OP eventually asked the “real” question directly rather than solicit opinions without context. Just saying.
Well, of course I may be mistaken. But the key to marital harmony is good communication, with a mutual assumption of good faith. Of course that is easier said than done. But that’s the feedback I am choosing to give when one spouse is using this forum to gripe about what the other one said, given that the other spouse isn’t here to explain.
Generally, this should be nipped “in the bud” by open communication rather an a venting thread here or anywhere which just can create confusion and hard feelings. Hopefully the OP & spouse have cleared the air so both are OK moving forward.
I find it interesting that the topic is misunderstood communications and so many on this thread are misunderstanding other posters not giving the benefit of the doubt. Not reaching for the middle.
:-&