<p>Quopoe, you are an accepting person, tolerant of quite a wide variety of responses. It occurres to me that things are a little different in single parent households. In ours, there is no need to close doors. The kids do when they are dressing, occasionally if they have music blaring, but that is about it. The computer, the TV, rarely watched, are in main living areas. Couples have a need for closed doors. Single parents without relationships, aside from dressing, not really. My son may have more when he was in HS. I don’t remember, but when he is home now, sometimes it’s closed, sometimes open. No big deal either way.
Now I have thought about this from a fire safety standpoint, as we’re all suppose to sleep with closed doors for fire containment. But I like that feeling of all being accessible to each other, so haven’t changed things. Yet.</p>
<p>If you felt my question was attacking, well, that comes from a defensive standpoint</p>
<p>I ask once again, WHY do you feel the need to have a door open all the time?</p>
<p>What do you think is happening in there?</p>
<p>Maybe some here forgot that the OP said that children have no right to privacy, that it has to be earned always…that inherently they had no rights</p>
<p>sorry if I think a 13 year old boys should be able to close his door and that a mother shoudn’t even be wondering about that</p>
<p>and this “excuse” of being a single mom, egad…sometimes we need to look beyond what we use as justifications for being too strict for good kids</p>
<p>call me harsh, but you did ask</p>
<p>This “closed door” concept is lost on me. What’s so terrible about a teenage boy closing his door? It seems kind of censorish to me. Do you leave your kids home alone? How is that better?</p>
<p>I just don’t get what the big deal is at all</p>
<p>after having gone to many websites on parenting- from the Boy Scouts, to the Parenting Education, ALL of them said a teen has the right to a closed bedroom door, that a parent has a right to access, but that a teen NEEDS to be able to close their door…that is not to say, you can’t knock, enter, etc…but not one did I find that said, yes, parents shouldn’t allow a teen to close their doors, so long as the parent doesn’t have any serious issues- ie drug use</p>
<p>they emphasized the need for communication, etc, but also the need for privacy- for parents as well as for their children</p>
<p>parents rooms also should be private, etc., and mom should be sure her door is closed as well</p>
<p>I’m with the group that’s worried about fire. It only takes about 5 minutes for a small fire to build up enough to spread smoke throughout a house if doors aren’t closed, and smoke is what kills. A solid core door that fits well and has a flame retardant finish can fend off smoke and flame much longer, long enough for the fire department to get there and effect a rescue.</p>
<p>and you put a smoke alarm in the hallway, and inside the bedroom door</p>
<p>although it doesn’t exactly address the tv question, a similar rule in our household was that the bedroom door remain fully open with [all]visitors. This began when my S was a small child. That way, no “new rules” suddenly came into play at 13, or with a female guest at age 16. Wife and I demonstrated this rule by also following it ourselves. I gave him the real life example that if a lady-friend of ours dropped by(perhaps minutes before my wife got home from work) she and I didn’t keep company in the bedroom, and certainly not with a door closed, before the wife got home. Seeing and hearing our example before it really came into play for him elininated a kid’s reasoning- But YOU can do it, why can’t I?</p>
<p>Excellent example - younghoss. You hit on a very important point. It is so much easier if rules have been in place before they become an issue!</p>
<p>To the OP - I read your original post again and it is clear that you do respect and cherish your son. I really admire you for raising the question as you re-evaluate a practice that - until now- had worked for your family. We never questioned whether our daughter closed her bedroom door - it was never really a problem. We have been fortunate, our daughter who is now 18 has been a really, really good kid. Active in sports, music, and academics. </p>
<p>I do have one regret. Last year, she purchased a laptop for herself. We have wireless in the house and so she could acess the computer from her room. As a result the amount of time she spent in her room skyrocketed. She spent far more time on facebook and just on surfing the net. As anyone can attest who is on this board, it can be addictive. Well, since she was a senior and would be leaving for college in the fall, her dad and I did not interfere. Nothing terrible happened, but there were far more nights when she stayed up late because she was behind on a paper or oops - forgot she had a test the next day. This resulted in late nights, stress, and bad moods. I can’t say that she learned her lesson. Her grades remained good - but there is no way she would have accomplished what she did had she been using the computer this much from the time she was a freshman. I also find that I resent that whenever she is free, she slips into her bedroom and is less engaged with us. Once again, she is about to go off to college next year, so as long as she is working and being responsible I am not going to micromanage. </p>
<p>So - my caution is this. Kids begin to crave more and more privacy as they get older. If their bedroom also contains entertainment (tv, computer) it cana be harder to get them out. I wouldn’t remove your son’s tv, but I would think about how to set parameters BEFORE (as younghoss did) it becomes an issue or before they are so close to adulthood you feel silly making those requests.</p>
<p>Quopoe - I suspect you are a terrific mother. You obviously care about your kid and try to adjust and re-evaluate how you handle things as circumstances change. You are willing to ask advice and listen to others’ experiences. While I may handle things differently than you, I can still respect your perspective.</p>
<p>“less engaged with us”- um, that is part of the change they go through…I stated on other threads that I don’t accept rudeness, name calling, no contact and or letting us know what hours they are keeping or where they are going- I do want courtesy, communication, etc., however, if they aren’t sitting down every night with us chatting, we nned to accept that…its part of separating from us</p>
<p>something else that I garnered from my reading, boys won’t often tell you what is going on, how they are feeling, what they want, they hold it in, and in many cases, don’t want to upset the balance in the home, that does NOT mean that they don’t have issues with how they are treated at home, don’t have desires and needs, etc, so just because a son hasn’t complained or said anything, does not mean something isn’t bothering him</p>
<p>I guess I am still bothered by the statement that offspring have no rights to privacy- guess others think that whatever parents do is okay, though it may be unhealthy for the child, I am not a coddler, nor am I going to just not say anything because it may ruffle feathers…</p>
<p>from ALL I have read, and I looked around a lot last night, most agree with me, that children need privacy, and that includes being able to close their bedroom door, espceially as puberty hits, and if mom has insisted that a 12 year olds door be open at all times, that bothers me…again, what evil does she think he is doing in there</p>
<p>Its a valid question that has yet to be answered</p>
<p>I agree with you, CGM. </p>
<p>I think the idea of parents not allowing children or adolescents privacy is peculiar, invasive and possibly emotionally damaging,</p>
<p>I kinda thought she addressed her concerns in the very first post: </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>As I have already posted, my kids don’t have TVs or computers in their own rooms, so this was never an issue for us. We have always had the “more than one person present = door open” rule. Doors are also often open, even at night, because we have a cat that likes to wander. I think the fire safety is an important consideration, though. On the other hand, I like doors open at night so I can hear problems – sickness, nightmares, abductions, elopements … ;)</p>
<p>Binx, you got the concern that I had, the television. You also zeroed in on the door. It was for unforseen problems. Living alone when he was younger, I wanted to hear what was going on. Our bedrooms were on opposite sides of the home.</p>
<p>I’d move the TV, rather than forcing the open door policy.</p>
<p>I’m not much for TVs in the room anyway, not because I am afraid of what they are watching, but because I think it is so isolating.</p>
<p>If the TV is out in a common space, your son can have his bedroom privacy. Seems like a win-win!</p>
<p>Everybody is talking around it, but I’ll say it. There’s not a 13 year old boy (or girl for that matter) that doesn’t masturbate. It’s part of growing up and learning about yourself. It’s private and needs to be respected. Open doors with guests of the opposite sex is fine and prudent.</p>
<p>Months later, I feel even more pettiness on the children of those who have overprotective parents, such as AnonymousPerson8. BTW, you should really just drop right out of there (maybe work something out with the guys in charge and let them know you’ll be back in a few years). I would just drop out, get a half decent job until you can pay for your own college experience and make sure you are legally free of your parents. If they are even close to decent people they will completely regret being so anal and then you will have the upper hand, and if you don’t then nobody will because that relationship will be over. that simple. And for the love of god, give the kids their privacy. Even waiting until the kid is a teenager isn’t fair, because kids mature at different ages. I was in need of a few extra minutes to myself at the age of 9! And I know that isn’t really normal, but seriously it’s not like you can tell when your kid is going to start needing that extra space. I would say to stop helping him/her get dressed and all that at 8 (my mom is still doing that with my 10 year old brother! I’m thinking of telling her to stop doing that for his personal health). If you are ever involved in your kid’s sexual life then that is downright wrong and it will only severely damage their minds and outlooks on that sort of thing. I say just tell them to wait until it’s the right time with the right one and that’s it. Also, just as some teens will push themselves to get good grades without being spoken to, some smart ones will push to avoid getting involved with drugs, alcohol and smoking and anything else that impairs their independence. As a 13 year old, that is what scares me the most in life, and I believe that when you start giving up to others wishes (when you disagree with them) is when you stop being a respectable person and turn into a bendable force. What I’m saying is, if you give up what you strive to believe in your heart, you lose the ability to see through your own eyes and with your own heart. That is failure in life.</p>