<p>My D has had a door, a computer, and a TV most of her life. She has turned out wonderfully. She’s smart, independent, self motivated, structured, and she still likes Dad. Every kid is different. I’m a keep it simple parent. </p>
<p>We had about 4 rules:
don’t smoke
don’t drink
don’t do drugs
don’t have sex until your old enough
make your grades (never had to say this one as she was self motivated)</p>
<p>In return you get to have your privacy, priviledges, drive when you’re of age, go to college. I didn’t worry about bedtimes (as long as she was home), clean rooms, etc. I used the test “In 10 years will this matter?”. If not, it’s not worth fighting about. With a different kid, it wouldn’t have worked.</p>
<p>I didn’t make any of my post up. I wish I did.</p>
<p>I have not been in any legal trouble, I have never used drugs, never had sex (any kind) and I have never used alcohol. My parents pay for my college, however I do pay for my books and other expenses (personal hygiene products, coffee, etc.). My parents aren’t religious, just overprotective and my culture has a lot to do with it too. My university is far from religious! I think the only reason I am away for school is because the university is known to be a good one. I think the only bad thing I did on campus was lie about going to a event (University sponsored and I was with 5 of my friends who do not drink, party or any of that) and they made sure I was back in the dorm by talking on the phone with me until I walked back to the dorm. I couldn’t even go to the library at 7 at night to have my term paper checked by someone who is an expert at writing (it’s a free service at my university). I was so embarassed because I was arguing with my parent about why I was at the library at 7pm while the person checking my paper was just sitting there. I had to answer the phone because I knew that if I didn’t, my phone would continue to ring until I answered it. I joined a bible study group and my parents did not want me going for fear of me being “converted”. I mean, heaven forbid that I’m learning about my religion and not having outrageous drunken sex right? </p>
<p>I felt so bad for my roommate and I don’t know how she put up with all of this for a whole year. She was telling me that my sibling should not be involved in all of this and whatever happens, it should be between me and my parents only. I’m even more scared because I will not have a roommate next year, so I do not know what my situation will be like. My resident advisor (and hallmates including roommate) was concerned that I was holed up in my dorm room all day everyday. </p>
<p>I have contemplated dropping out of my university altogether because of this. I have cried so much about my situation and I considered talking to a professor whom I trust deeply about it, but never did. This is not healthy by any means and my RA also advised me to seek counseling for my anxiety. </p>
<p>I do not want to be identified but I am over the age of 18.</p>
<p>quopoe: a lot of ADULT SWIM is raunchy, I agree. And the online porn – it’s not an issue now that DH, who is very computer savvy, announced he’ll be checking where my S has been online. We know everything S does on the computer, and the few times he strayed he was so embarrassed at having been caught that he stopped. But I know many parents who have no idea what their kids do on the computer and have not put in place sufficient filters (or don’t know that the kids disabled or circumvent them.) And let me tell you, those kids see stuff that can truly warp a kid. In a way no ADULT SWIM could… :(</p>
<p>you need to lie to your parents, and as a parent, i shouldn’t be saying that, but heck, how do they know if you are in your room or not? cancel the room phone, say its broken or whatever</p>
<p>have you spoken to a counselor at your college yet? you should, and they will not tell your parents, so talk to anyone you can</p>
<p>your parents, if what you say is true, claim culture, but they are really bullies, mean, and evil, to be honest</p>
<p>I get so irritated when people claim “cultural” differences or beliefs to behave badly, be bullies, oppress others, etc</p>
<p>What would they do if they couldn’t contact you? </p>
<p>i would seriouslly start looking at paying for my own schooling, and housing, even taking out loans to do it, so they have no power over you</p>
<p>The stress of having to work, pay back loans will be nothing compared to what you are dealing with now, so start today looking into that, can you get to a library and use their computers to do research?</p>
<p>anonymous, talk to your RA. Talk to a counselor at school. Given your family history, you’ll need help in carving out a life for yourself without your family’s undue involvement. This will take time, skill and a lot of self-assurance: and counseling will help with all three. Once you’re back in the dorm, there are some things you can do right away to distance yourself a bit. Don’t activate the land-line phone in your dorm room; turn off your cell phone when you’re busy; if your parents call when you can’t talk, simply say politely “Mom, Dad, I’m [in a study group, with my instructor, at work] and I can’t talk to you right this minute, I’ll call you back at ___ (time)” And then do call when you promise. Establish a regular schedule of talking with your parents so they get regular updates - at your convenience. Be generous with the information you share with them, so they THINK they know “everything” you’re doing. Try to steer conversations away from your personal life and towards more ‘generic’ topics such as your classes and academic plans. But most of all, do get some help with this - all schools have counseling centers and qualified professionals to help you become an independent person. Good luck.</p>
<p>again, what does a parent who does not allow a teen or tween to close their door, what do you think is happening in there? and do you ever leave your teen at home alone, even to run to the grocery store? if you do, whatever you dread happening with that door closed with you at home can certainly take place then</p>
I think that this goes beyond safety monitoring. I understand checking up on internet usage by keeping a family computer in a public space and talking about online safety, but tracking every website visit or Google search for a teenager who has never been in serious trouble is unnecessary, invasive, and potentially damaging. I think that the “information” side of the internet is extremely valuable, and students should be able to utilize that without wondering “What will mom or dad think or say to me if they see that I’m looking this up?” Responsible teenagers should be able to look up answers to their questions without sharing each of those questions with mom and dad.</p>
<p>This has been a way of life for us, so the door has not been an issue to my son. He does not complain. In response to leaving him home alone, I do at times, and all is well. I think that those of you who are finding it a bit harsh is looking at if from your perspective on what is normal. It’s not a normal thing for you and yours. It is for me and mines. He is not asking for more privacy. I want to give him more or at least give him more options, as I do understand that he is growing up.</p>
<p>As any number of therapists will tell you, children accept what ever is as normal, even to some very destructive extremes. See also, what is “normal” to children who live in alcoholic environments. Something being a “normal” way of life does not a priori make it good or even acceptable. “Because we’ve always done it this way” is not sufficient justification, whether in the corporation or in the family. </p>
<p>To steal freely, we can all bear from leading an examined life, periodically re-visiting decisions and questioning assumptions.</p>
<p>And, fwiw, I truly believe that being a single parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world to do and to do well.</p>
<p>hi, well im a teen and my mother had the same problem with me and I can say my mother is a goo mother, but in reality no matter how good mother you are even if your the best you can’t us away from trouble. Having the door open policy won’t change anything trust me we can find our ways and you’ll never find out. By preventing us no to something it will probably make us do it even more either becuase we are curious or b/c we are mad that parents don’t give us trust or privacy. However, teens are always gonna do the prohibited no matter what and we will learn from our mistakes and thats life, but when our parents give us trust and respect us and provide advice and love without being annoying, we will think about twice when doing something wrong by not wanting to break that connection with our parents.</p>
<p>I still didn’t get an answer as to WHY the door must be open all the time, saying its how we always have done it is not an answer, and until a parent can answer that question, at least to themselves, the REAL reasons, besides, habit, will you ahve a truely healthy approach to parenting</p>
<p>and just because your kid hasn’t complained out loud doesn’t mean all is okay, many times kids keep silent to not upset anyone, and keep the peace</p>
<p>"I still didn’t get an answer as to WHY the door must be open all the time, saying its how we always have done it is not an answer, and until a parent can answer that question, at least to themselves, the REAL reasons, besides, habit, will you ahve a truely healthy approach to parenting</p>
<p>and just because your kid hasn’t complained out loud doesn’t mean all is okay, many times kids keep silent to not upset anyone, and keep the peace"</p>
<p>Quo is saying…you have all the answer you will get from me, and this is to you specifically, because others have given me good advice, things to ponder, etc. You are not obligated to have me prove to you that my parenting style is appropriate to you or anyone else. It’s my style. You seem to have taken an affront to any response that I have given you. So, apparently anything I say in response to you is not acceptable in your opinion, even if you have apologized for, IMHO, “beating me up.”</p>
<p>“However, teens are always gonna do the prohibited no matter what and we will learn from our mistakes and thats life, but when our parents give us trust and respect us and provide advice and love without being annoying, we will think about twice when doing something wrong by not wanting to break that connection with our parents.”</p>
<p>Point taken, and very well said. Thank you.</p>
<p>To all: I thank you for the very wise information that you all have shared so willingly with me. Many of you have given great advice on how you have chosen to raise your children, and have given me much to think about. You all can not know how wonderful this message board is, esp. to this single mom. To have the opportunity to read, share, advise, and encourage…and yes, disagree, with other parents on a “safe” forum is great. </p>
<p>I don’t like the feeling I am getting from some who seem to be “attacking” rather than educating, but I am really taking to heart the many good tips I have been receiving. TheDAD really hit the nail on the head when he wrote about re-examining ourselves. No parent is perfect. Even when we believe we have done the best by our children, sometimes we find out that we may have not. Again, thank you for those of you who have shared in a positive way.</p>
<p>quopoe, it’s obvious you aren’t trying to be mean to your child and that you are putting your best effort forth. While I was at first upset by the idea of not letting a kid keep their door closed, I do really admire your ability to consider all of the advice without getting angry, etc. You do seem like a thoughtful parent.</p>