Bedroom Door

Parent Cafe
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<p>Well, the only person I know who limited his son’s door-closing ability, took his son’s door OFF THE HINGES when he was caught with drugs at age 16. His door stayed off the hinges for 6 months of supervised probation and until his grades were A’s again. (He’s now a junior in college and doing well.)</p>

<p>If the issue is that son may do things you don’t allow–like watching raunchy TV late at night–you can leave the TV in his room but take away the power cord at bedtime (as we did with the kid’s computer power cords when they hit a certain level of addiction).</p>

<p>Frankly, I think a kid should be allowed to close his door at any time but that a parent should be able to enter the room at any time too. I also agree it is polite to knock whenever possible, but I certainly didn’t knock when doing my late night wanderings/bedchecks. (I am a light sleeper and worry a lot. When S was 14 one of those late night (3 AM) bedchecks found him on the stairs–with a fever of 105–he’d was struggling up the stairs.)</p>

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<p>well, I have a friend who forgot to knock late one night, doing the bedcheck, and her son was, well, busy, alone…she double knocked from then on</p>

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<p>Teenage boys’ bodies are not always under their control…one could be embarrassed even while asleep.</p>

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<p>true that…</p>

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<p>Well, as long as he’s doing what we both think he’s doing, he’s OK. But if he is doing what I was doing when I spent long periods of time in the bathroom at that age – which was squeezing and picking at the pimples on my face – he needs to know that he can get scars from doing that.</p>

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<p>Hi… Almost surprised that my post didn’t get more responses, and I’m assuming that many just didn’t even bother to read it, and who could blame them :p</p>

<p>Anyways, I am ‘OK’, and the way I see it I’m actually more OK than most others. I feel this way because I have looked at things from a better prospective than you can from being involved in a bunch of things. Sure, people expect me to play basketball and just because I have the second or third best arm in my grade that I should play football, but honestly the only thing I do that involves other people my age that I am not absolutely forced into doing is recreational basketball which I only do because my parents want me to (and I know if I really wanted to I could back out any time I want). </p>

<p>But, I can see how you would think that I may not be ‘OK’ and that I am possibly a real screwed up kid lol. Well, I just think differently than some other people and I actually look at music for inspiration on where I should go in life. Mainly Nine Inch Nails and some Rage Against The Machine, but other artists too of course. For those who know their music you probably know what I’m talking about and the great significance that their music can have if you pay attention to it enough.</p>

<p>I am not as close minded as I probably seem to you. Actually, I think I’d enjoy some kind of different way of living. I hate living under somebody else’s roof just because they gave birth to me. Hell, if you have kids and you are having a hard time remembering how being a kid was, imagine having a husband or wife that wouldn’t let you decide a single thing that you do, unless you hide it from them. You know what that leads to? Divorce. So why would it be much different between a child and his/her parents? It really is rather similar when it comes down to it, and this I believe is why I am disappointed in my parents, so lately when I get mad with them I just tell myself that they are only doing what is accepted generally. </p>

<p>I’m sorry, I’m making this too long and probably still unclear. Bottom line, anybody have suggestions for me? Like what I should start to do in order to make myself happier? I could take anti-depressants probably but I don’t like the idea of losing control of my own feelings, having this drug tell me what I’m really feeling. But like what else could I get myself into to make myself happier?</p>

<p>I’m actually trying to get this closer to this girl I find very attractive, but every time I get really close to just telling her how I feel, I get the feeling like she will either reject me for some **** that is more popular than me, but just the thought of her doing that makes me angry with her, not directly just more angry I guess. Putting her as a more important part of my life is just an attempt to make myself happier and feel like somebody that isn’t forced to care about me actually cares about me and wants me. Anyways, what should I do?<br>
And, just in case you couldn’t tell what my take on the open door was, it is that it’s insane to not give somebody in their teens all the privacy they request as long as they are not doing something that you wouldn’t have done when you were his or her age. I’m with the guy who said it is borderline abusive to not give your children privacy, and I think that today’s society has made it seem like you aren’t a great parent unless you watch over your kid’s shoulders and have video of what they do in the house when you aren’t there. It’s ******** if you ask me.</p>

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<p>AAM, it’s interesting to me that the folks who cite how wonderful TV is talk about the wholesome & intellectually chewy programming they watch…and I can mentally compare that to the TV ratings routinely published in the Entertainment pages of our newspaper. The shows you cite have a viewership amounting to a thimbleful in a bathtub. As to the preponderance of what people watch, as opposed to what they admit they watch, I’ll stand by the “tripe” assessment without any apology.</p>

<p>Q, yes, children have a right to privacy at any age. It’s not a question of leniency or strictness, it’s a question of respect for children as individuals. Inheriting totalitarian parenting styles doesn’t make them right; one can maintain authority and values without doing so.</p>

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<p>My mom has always allowed me to close my door, although I can’t lock it (door doesn’t have one). I don’t really mind, though. Additionally, she knocks before entering out of respect for my privacy, i suppose, which I appreciate, especially since she doesn’t have to. </p>

<p>Also, I bought my own tv so my mom allowed it in my bedroom. Later, I received a computer as a gift and she allowed that as well in my room. As time went on and I showed more maturity/responsibility she installed cable and got an internet router for me. If I misbehaved, she always had the option to ground me from both. Furthermore, my homework and chores were always completed before I used either. Is my irresponsible or lacking parental skills because of that? And that’s not to say that television and the internet consume my life…I hang out with friends, still like to read, enjoy cooking foreign recipes (recently made wafuu curry), jogging, and shopping…</p>

<p>To quopoe, you can allow him to close his door and still have the tv in there. If you’re worried about what he’ll watch use the v chip technology (that all TVs made after Jan 2000 have) to block shows based on their ratings. I don’t think the v chip has been mentioned yet, which I thought was a reasonable solution.</p>

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<p>TheDad, you’re proving my point about feeling superior. No need to be so condescending, nor to accuse me of not being honest about what I watch. Sorry, but I guess since you don’t watch tv, you aren’t aware that Prison Break, 24, and The Amazing Race aren’t exactly what anyone would call “wholesome & intellectually chewing programming”. Perhaps, you also aren’t aware how popular some shows are. Most of the ones I mentioned are long-running, popular shows: Law and Order (the original) has been on for 17 years; L&O, SVU for 8 years: L&O, Criminal Intent for 6. Although it’s true that viewership has dropped in the past year, shows don’t last this long without a lot of people watching. </p>

<p>Prison Break, 24, The Amazing Race, Seinfeld, and The Simpsons are some of the most popular and most watched shows on tv. Without a Trace may be the one show I mentioned which isn’t as hugely popular but it has survived for five years so far so I’m happy!</p>

<p>I did acknowledge that there is much that could be classified as ‘tripe’ on television, there always has been, but that doesn’t mean that there is nothing of value, whether it be educational or sheer entertainment value.</p>

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<p>Heh, when I was a kid, closing the door wasn’t even an option - it didn’t shut all the way, and I shared my room with my grandma! (Tiny apartment…)</p>

<p>These kids are truly lucky to have their own rooms. =)</p>

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<p>I’m 13 and I always have my door open at least a little. My parents get annoyed if the door is closed. I also have a computer in my room and I am expected to go to bed at midnight, no later. My parents aren’t home for half of the day, leaving my grandma here, and she has never walked in on me… well… you know, thanks to my hearing skills. The last time I actually watched TV was when I had no access to a computer (due to my grades dropping). I detest most TV and usually watch only the Discovery Channel (Mythbusters is awesome).</p>

<p>And AWS, please try to indent ALL of your paragraphs.</p>

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<p>You’re strict, OP. It never occured to tell my kids they can’t close their bedroom door. (In retrospect, it’s probably because I never had that restriction. Had no TV in there either.) But I have to tell you, “Adult Swim” is the least of your problems as the parent of a 13 year old. Access to hardcore online porn – if not in your home than in his friends’ – is something that’s become an issue in my house. It is stunning what is easily available out there, even if you’ve put in filters.</p>

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<p>Crash_Blair, I too shared a bedroom with my Grandmother until I was 15 years old. :)</p>

<p>Wow, katliamom. So far it’s Adult Swim here. I don’t know what it is about it as I have never really looked at a whole episode. What little I have seen seems raunchy.</p>

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<p>when I was a teenager (1970’s) my parents didn’t want me to have my door closed. Ever. Even if I was alone. My father would take the door off the hinges. He would also record all my phone calls and turn off the electricity in my room after 10 pm (incl weekends). I was a straight A student. There was no reason for their treatment of me.</p>

<p>Can you tell that 30 years later it still has left an impact on me. I wouldn’t consider NOT letting a teenager have privacy (unless the parents had prior reason to believe they were doing something ‘bad’ in their room like using drugs).</p>

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<p>I’m a college student and my door cannot be shut in my house. My parents and older sibling will barge into my room if my door is shut. I had lent my personal computer for my sibling to use and my sibling was snooping through my web page history and what sites I had listed as a bookmark. I was interrogated about them (I do not go to any inappropriate sites) and I had to justify exactly why I went to each webpage and bookmarked site. My parents instantly freaked out when they found out that I use AIM and that I have a facebook account and my parent insisted that he/she read the AIM conversation I was having with a friend of mine I hadn’t talked to since junior high the other night. My sibling and parent demanded that I do not have any pictures whatsoever on my facebook account and that no one can search me. Bear in mind, I do not post inappropriate pictures of myself. If I am talking on the phone with someone and my parents or sibling comes in, I must tell them who I am speaking with and what we are talking about. </p>

<p>It doesn’t end there. In college, I have to ask for permission to go to any outings with my friends (movie, going to a school club, etc.) and I am constantly asked why I am not in my dorm room. My parent is constantly calling my cellular phone to the point where I have contemplated shutting the phone off. I must have my door in my dorm closed at all times and if I tell them that it’s open, they ask why it’s open and tell me to shut it. They have demanded to speak to my roommate verifying that I was in the room and not at a party or any other outing. They do not want me studying in the lounge downstairs or walk 5 minutes to go to the library and study. My dorm room is my prison cell, basically.</p>

<p>My life absolutely sucks.</p>

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<p>Anonymousperson, ban the words “must” and “have to” from that post. You always have a choice. The choice may not be between options that you like, but it always exists.</p>

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<p>OP: I’m an extremely private person by nature and was this way even as a little child. Being required to keep my bedroom door open at all times would certainly be part of my idea of Hell. If you’re worried about him watching Adult Swim, it seems obvious that you should remove the tv from his room. </p>

<p>As a tangent: Children are not less human than adults. The child is the father of the man, etc. Therefore, they deserve as many similar considerations as possible (aka within reason). My opinion.</p>

<p>anonymousperson: I’d rather live in a cardboard box than subject myself to what you’re dealing with.</p>

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<p>anonymousperson8, that is just an outrageous situation, IMHO. You are in college. Unless you have really screwed up with drugs or the law, I cannot imagine parents (although I believe you!) bullying a decent child with such abusive control from afar. </p>

<p>Do you have any options on campus, such as psychological services to visit a counselor on your own to get coping advice? I would do so. And I would (I’ve never done this) even say to lie to your parents, if necessary, to cover up the fact that you are seeking help from an outside resource on the campus (psychological services). Get some advice on how to stand up to them and assert your rights of independent movement. </p>

<p>Perhaps a counselor can help you find a way to exert some appropriate boundaries, without letting yourself down on college performance. If you and your family are very religious, or if the college is religious, I still think a minister would stand up for your right to make these independent daily choices.</p>

<p>If there’s a huge “other side” to your story, well, you’ve fooled me a lot here…but meanwhile, I do believe you and think you definitely should run, not walk, for advice on campus.</p>

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Amen. Which is why you can’t expect the adult to give respect if the child is never given any. The allusions to long-term lasting damage and attitudes are dead on.</p>

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<p>anonymous, lie to your parents, what the heck, and to put your roommate in that position is just wrong of them</p>

<p>as soon as possible, cut financial ties with your family and they will have no power</p>

<p>if what you say is true, your parents have serious mental health problems and to me, you are not in a safe relationship with them, and I mean that seriouslly</p>

<p>get away from them emotionally as soon as you can and talk to someone about them</p>

<p>they are bizarre and in fact a bit warped and sick to be honest</p>

<p>how old are you, and who is paying for college…if what you say is true, you need to seperate yourself physically and emotionally from you family, they are not normal nor are they in anyway justified, unless you have some sort of history you aren’t sharing here</p>