<p>So, happily, S1 is launched! H made the longggg trek with him to share driving duties, and by all accounts his new place is fabulous. Bigger than our home, and with many upgrades. He and his housemates have offered up the place to the families to use when they not in town. (They are all military, so they will all come and go at various times and sometimes the house will be empty). S1 has never been a neatnik, and it would appear that he has found his tribe in his roommates. H said no one would be surprised to learn that 5 young bachelors resided there. I immediately thought that it was good I wasn’t there because I do like a neat and tidy home…not like my German mother kept, but clean at a very basic level. Clean counters, clean fridge, floor swept, and bathrooms clean. I could easily see myself visiting and puttering/cleaning without even realizing it. I’d hate for S or roommates to feel like they were being judged. I know I was not all that neat at their age, so no judgement implied, just my own issues. </p>
<p>So, when you visit your adult kids, what do you do? I know S will appreciate me cooking and stocking his freezer–got permission from him and his roomies on that count. But what about grabbing a broom and sweeping? Doing the dishes? When they are in town, and we visit, I assume I’ll be more careful about my tidying…when they aren’t there I think I’d feel more free to do so. And no…I do NOT like cleaning. </p>
<p>I know some of you must be shaking your head, but I really don’t want to overstep my bounds here. Walking by a pile of unfolded laundry? Easy to do. Walking across a dirty kitchen floor, or using a dirty bathroom? Eh, not so much. I guess I could stay elsewhere, but I’d rather grit my teeth and deal with the less than clean house than hurt my kid’s feelings.</p>
<p>S lives alone in a one-bedroom condo that he rents, so somewhat different issues, as there are no room mates to potentially offend. We stayed there about 8 days with D–that was H, me and D with S in his unit. It was very nice and he had just purchased a sleeper sofa that had only been used by niece; we were very comfortable but unfortunately D was having a tough time of it with her allergies. With S’s consent, we washed all linens in hot water and froze all stuffed bedding (including down comforter & pillows), to kill dust mites and then ‘fluffed’ in dryer to get rid of the dead mites. We also ran the Roomba, robotic vacuum to help cut down on the dust (D was sleeping on sleeping bag on cushions on floor). These measures helped reduce her allergies to a nearly manageable level.</p>
<p>We also shopped for food (on the days we didn’t all go out to eat), and left manageable amounts of leftovers that he likes for him to consume after we left. It’s pretty important to be sure not to leave TOO much that could go bad or be unappreciated. We have a pretty good handle on S’s food tastes and the quantities he consumes, so we didn’t overdo it (especially since he travels a lot and we didn’t want food to spoil).</p>
<p>We would check in with one another, to talk about projected time of return when we went out, so we could all be on same page.</p>
<p>S is a good housekeeper, but had just returned from work-travel, so he hadn’t had time to do much tidying or any dust control measures before we descended upon him. He was sympathetic about D’s allergies and not at all offended by the dust reduction measures we took, since they are standard for him & her whenever allergies are an issue.</p>
<p>Oh, I understand where you are coming from so well. I am not a good housekeeper at all, but when I visit my son his bathroom *really *grosses me out! When he had a 1 bath apartment, I had to clean the bath before I could use it.</p>
<p>If I do a little cleaning, I do it when he is not there and don’t say anything. It has to be really bad, like the bathroom. He does not cook at all, so the kitchen is usually ok. He just bought his first house, so it will be interesting to see if he takes better care of it. We told him he should hire someone to clean it every couple of weeks. He is thinking of it. He has 2 baths now, so the guest bath will probably be untouched and unused between guest visits. </p>
<p>His housewarming present from us was a Roomba to keep those wood floors decent. Hope he uses it.</p>
<p>True confessions here. I hired a service to clean my D’s apt before she moved in last August. It cost me around $125 (we didn’t ask the roommate to chip in) and I didn’t want to fly down and help clean the apt with her. Before I visited in October, I offered the service to her again. It cost much less the second time. The apartment was very tidy when we visited and extremely clean. She was very appreciative. I think she keeps everything tidy and clean on her own, but I didn’t want her to feel stressed about cleaning because we were visiting. I should add that she was taking a course overload and extremely busy. Although she finished all of her coursework, I will offer this service to her one or two times during the spring semester. It will be a gift that I know she will enjoy with the added benefit that a thorough cleaning will likely help her seasonal allergies.</p>
<p>If he’s like my kids, he’d never notice the difference. I say feel free to clean the common areas but stay out of the bedroom, for everyone’s sake. I mean if you’re going to cook it makes sense you’d clean up afterward. You’re just doing a very thorough job.</p>
<p>I think it’s different when there are roommates.</p>
<p>I would avoid cleaning any areas which might include personal items. That would include bathrooms (except any for guests only bathrooms) and anyone else’s bedroom. In common areas, I wouldn’t touch personal property. So, don’t clean the refrigerator if that would include tossing spoiled food. Don’t pick up other people’s clothes scattered across the living room. </p>
<p>I can’t see anyone minding if you wash the kitchen floor, clean the oven, venetian blinds, run a vacuum, etc.</p>
<p>Basically, just don’t touch anyone else’s “stuff.”</p>
<p>Agree about not intruding on personal space. We did NOT go into S’s bedroom at all except when he invited us and was present. When he left for work, he left his door closed. It seems basic respect of personal space is a very good and important thing. He was fine about us doing dust reduction of common areas–they weren’t dirty, just too dusty for D’s allergies. It is important to ask permission of the host about ‘tidying.’ With permission, I see nothing wrong or intrusive. Would NOT touch anyone else’s possessions and certainly not toss anything without permission.</p>
<p>Good advice here! I’d never clean or even go in to the others’ bedrooms. Or even son’s bedroom…that’s his business. When he was at home or the first year after high school, we learned the hard way to not straighten up his desk/room/car. When H opened the hatch of his car, to look for one of the spare tool kits, a large box of " supplies" fell out onto the driveway. Who knew they came in such exotic colors? :-o</p>
<p>I end up cleaning up the microwave half the time when I babysit at SIL’s house. Otherwise I’m afraid of blob of something will land in my tea. </p>
<p>On the bathroom front: If it is too gross, and I’m going to be using it, it gets cleaned, at least to a level that brings it back into minimal acceptability, but not opening drawers or cabinets.</p>
<p>Perhaps I’m rude. Coming from a long family tradition of helping out, I clean when I go places. No throwing out, just wiping counters, stacking items to neaten, scrubbing bathtubs and sinks. When visiting S, I bought a bathtub brush, as I doubted he or roomie would think to purchase such an item, and the tub showed need. We’re all busy and I certainly have time when visiting. But helping with respect, is the ethic, not judging.</p>
<p>Bathtub brush? I spray Lysol tub cleaner, wipe with a sponge and rinse. Would rinse after use so soap scum goes down the drain. The only cleaning brushes I know of are for backs and toilets.</p>
<p>btw- anyone who invites me to use their glass faced shower and has a squeegee available will have to use it themselves. We kept the obscure glass shower door on purpose, I refuse to clean a shower for water spots every time I shower.</p>
<p>Son’s apartments- never have even been invited inside when we would visit, except perhaps when he would indulge my one time desire to see once. Never enough space to stay over. I have thought about using the car he keeps garaged 4 blocks from his place (1/2 the monthly cost of his building) when we ever visit, H’s name is still also on the title since he helped when he had his first job (yet another get around to it task H and son should take care of).</p>
<p>When we visited my hometown we always stayed at a hotel instead of with my father as well. For a parent that insisted we dust when someone was stopping by for a moment he sure lets the dust accumulate. Different when you have to clean it yourself I guess.</p>
<p>I would clean if I were staying several days but not just for a brief visit.</p>
<p>I get a hotel reservation at some place convenient to my daughter’s work and then meet her for activities, which usually includes going to see her house. I have stayed at her house when a roommate was out of town, but – honestly – I don’t think parents camping out at group houses is the ideal situation for kids or parents. </p>
<p>The last time I visited, I found a good hotel two blocks from my daughter’s office (on K Street in Washington). It was perfect. I could entertain myself sightseeing during the day, meet her at 5 pm, and had subway access to be self-sufficient to and from the airport and around town. Her boyfriend joined us for dinner one night and was there when we went to hang out at her house before a concert the next night. I enjoyed the visit very much and I think she did, too.</p>
<p>From the other side of the coin, I always HATED it when my mother-in-law cleaned on her visits.</p>
<p>I am not a fanatic housekeeper by any means, but I do like to keep things clean. D has always been a bit messy, but she kept her place clean. However, when she moved into a studio apartment on her own last summer, she never quite got it together. She works in San Francisco & lives in Chicago, so she is only home a couple days a week … and she has a busy social life when home.</p>
<p>The first time H & I visited, we helped her hang curtains & do a couple other things she asked us to do. I really wanted to sweep the floor & vacuum the rug, but I held mysefl back. The next time I visited alone, and things had gotten a bit out of control. The kitchen needed a good cleaning, and it was bugging me. She was working from home that day, so she asked me if I minded that she would be working for a few hours. I told her that I would like to keep busy, and I asked her if it would be okay if I cleaned her place. She said that would be great. When I was done, she was so grateful! She told me it was cleaner than when she moved in. The cool part is, she has kept on top of things since.</p>
<p>Whenever I visit anyone — friends or relatives — I always clean the bathroom before leaving, as well as helping with things along the way (dishes, etc).</p>
<p>For a kid who was a real slob before going off to high school, my d1 has become a surprisingly good housekeeper since she and her husband bought a house last year. So there’s hope. One exception: their microwave, which was in sad shape when I visited them for Thanksgiving. When they were outside after dinner, I cleaned it. Each of them thought the other one had done it for a couple of weeks, but shortly before Christmas they figured things out, and d1 called me to say thanks. :)</p>
<p>I stay in a motel. I like it that way, and I think they do, too. They’re too old for me to be with them 24/7. </p>
<p>I have helped with things when asked. For example, I had my first experience with assembling IKEA furniture when helping my daughter set up her first solo apartment. But in general, I don’t offer to help much, and they don’t ask much. And if the place is a mess, it’s a mess. My house doesn’t always look so great, either.</p>
<p>I also had my first experience assembling IKEA furniture when my D set up her first apartment. We had a blast!</p>
<p>When D lived with other girls, we always stayed in a hotel. Now that she lives solo, we do stay with her. She has a lounge with a tv in the lobby of her building. H is an early riser, so he goes to the lobby to watch tv.</p>
<p>We haven’t had any need in staying with D1. I don’t think we would stay with our kids until they have a house because we like our privacy. We’ve visited D1 at her apartment a few times. She is very proud of her apartment and her taste, so I always tell her how nice her apartment is, even though it is small.</p>
<p>My kids know we are kind of neat and clean freak, so whenever we visit them, whether it’s their dorm room or apartment, they always clean up before we show up. Sometimes when it is not as tidy as it could be, I try not to say anything or tidy up for them without their permission. </p>
<p>I think to be a good house guest, whether it is at your kid’s place or not, it is good to remember it is not your place. I would try to respect their taste in decoration, how they arrange furniture and where they put their dishes in the kitchen.</p>
<p>Well, since we will likely be visiting in July (cant wait…always wanted to visit this city!) when none of the roomies or son will be there, we will stay at the house. There is even an extra bedroom, so their privacy will be protected, and my need to tidy up will not affect anyone. When we visit and some/all roomies are there, we will play it by ear. 5 young men, as darling as they all are, definitely are a bit loud and energetic. My 40 something self needs to be in bed by 10 pm, or I am miserable the next day. </p>
<p>And no worries, Oldfort…I’d never consider critiquing anyone’s style or organization. I’m just happy to know that son and roomies think having parents stay at their place while they are home or away, is pretty cool. It’s fun when your kids grow up and become the kind of people you’d actually seek out as friends, if there wasn’t a huge age gap ;-).</p>
I mean if you’re going to cook it makes sense you’d clean up afterward. You’re just doing a very thorough job.</p>