<p>As the school year draws near and I am faced with the reality of having both of my children (ages 14 and almost 17) on the other coast at boarding school, I’m looking for other parents who’ve done this who can reassure me that I’m not trying something unheard of and ridiculous. While I am well aware of the benefits and am thrilled for the kids, I am surrounded by skeptics and schadenfreude. Would love to hear others’ experience…</p>
<p>We did four years of living in DC with our son at Thacher in Ojai, CA. We didn’t enjoy the same quantity of face time as the California parents, which was the primary drawback of the bi-coastal experience. Our approach was to extend by 1-2 days our three visits: Family Weekend in the Fall, Gymkhana in the Spring and a Father/Son visit in February. These extra days would usually involve us taking our son and a couple of buddies out for a nice dinner, maybe catching an extra game - that sort of thing. </p>
<p>We called once or twice a week (or he would call us) and we would text a few times a week as well. His advisers and the school administrators were outstanding about dropping us quick, unsolicited notes here and there about how he was doing. That was huge for us.</p>
<p>A lot of the success of bi-coastal parenting depends on the independence of the kid. In our case, he could have gone to boarding school in Timbuktu when he was 10 and been completely happy. Part of the worry local parents express to bi-coastal parents is not being able to spot problems, resolve issues, step-in etc quickly or efficiently if you’re on the other side of the country, which is true. However, it really depends on the family and the kid. We did have to step in once when he got mono (wife flew out for a week), but other than that he pretty much worked through his own problems without our intervention. In some ways, being 3000 miles away sped the development of his decision-making ability.</p>
<p>Finally, and this is the biggest plus in my view, it’s fantastic during these super-formative years for a kid to experience the culture of the other coast. Unlike college, a ton of life habits and life views are getting set in the early teens. The East Coast will help a west coast kid understand academic and interpersonal competition better and become much tougher socially. A HADES or HADES-like school is a whole different kettle of fish than a West Coast counterpart. For us, the California experience taught our already competitive son how to relax better, be more open and welcoming to different views, be much more attuned to the success and happiness of his community. It was a great influence.</p>
<p>Some bi-coastal parents on this site have had tough times with the experience and for others, like us, it was a wonderful decision. I wish you lots of luck!!</p>
<p>I’m about to launch one overseas so we have it even worse (distance, time changes, etc.) Only one visit allowed during the year. Skype during BS was a life saver. D could pan her room, I could meet families she visited on the weekend (and then knew them when I was on campus). So we’re adding it to our cell phones as well.</p>
<p>The midwest is pretty isolated in terms of quick flights to anywhere. But I imagine it’s no different than being on a coast. The school still feels like half a world away. But it was so worth it to hear all the stories when she came home for the summer - most filled with laughs and great memories.</p>
<p>It will be hard, but you won’t regret letting them go.</p>
<p>I personally have had a negative experience in this arena. Fell free to PM me if you would like more information.</p>
<p>I can honestly say that I regret every minute of it.</p>
<p>We’ve also had a very tough time with S a whole country away from us. Thacher pegged it pretty well, which is, that the school adults miss things and so a kid can get lost/lack of attention when needed, depending on the kid of course. PM me as well if you want some more advice as to what worked and didn’t work for us. My biggest piece of advice is to develop adult allies that you can call upon–and then have regular contact with adults there (teachers, coaches, dorm parent). As a parent, it is not unreasonable to set expectations (i.e. have a dorm parent check in with you about them with x frequency) and then hold them to it. It seems pushy, but may be the only thing that can keep you sane on the other coast.</p>
<p>Our bi-coastal experience has been positive, largely because there’s been good communication and support from our kid’s school (for both him and us). The support has come from his advisor, coaches, teachers and families of local day students. While it may be cliche, there’s truth in the proverb “It takes a whole village to raise a child” (especially at boarding school!!).</p>
<p>I second the parents who say to create alliances with faculty. We picked a school that valued parent contact and so I was getting it proactively even when I wasn’t initiating it. Feeling like “part of the family” at that school was important to us. Knowing that she was treated that way by faculty was affirming. When choosing school ask about the ways parents are contacted during the year beyond grade reports. Some schools allow you to set the level of contact you want with individual faculty.</p>
<p>We’ve had one child at BS for a year already and the parent contact is great. We’ll hope for same with child 2. After a quiet summer, child one has returned to the drama of earthquakes and hurricanes with a sense of humor about it all. Fortunately, most of our family is back east, so I suppose that changes the dynamic somewhat. It’s good to hear about others doing this though. As I’ve written about on the “negative reactions…” thread, the local social reactions are difficult. And while parents whose kids go away to college get lots of support, the prep school thing, not so much!!!</p>
<p>To move this thread in another direction, for parents who have been through the college application process–how do you recommend interacting with the college office from far away? It looks like the college information nights and meetings (for parents) are on campus, and while I understand D needs to drive much of the process, I’m looking for my experience to be similar to what the school provides for more local parents. Is that possible?</p>