I am pretty clueless about what to buy S & DIL, so I give them money to invest and S is happy to invest it. He’s been doing it successfully for over a decade and they are very picky and don’t want clutter. I’m happy to host meals when we are in their area or they are down visiting us as well.
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Well I bought that silly “punch this if my son gets on your nerves” thing and added other s to my AAA membership free for 8 mos. My work here is done 
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I give gifts. For my girls usually jewelry….the “too much stuff” concern certainly doesn’t apply to a pair of diamonds earrings…they are tiny after all..lol. For my sons in law it’s been an upgraded wallet or belt or some “very expensive for what it is” gift. For example one son in law really liked the Alo brand body wash he got as a sample but then balked at the cost of buying it. He much appreciated my purchase and it set me back only $40 bucks.
As for “experience” gifts, they make our whole family queasy as they were often used by a narcissistic relative to force the kids to spend time with the relative.
I won’t vacation with my kids as we have VERY different travel interests. But we accumulate a lot of airmiles on our credit card and we gifted both of the kids hundreds of thousands of miles which they have used/plan to use on a honeymoon.
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I still give gifts to both daughters and my SIL and now to my GD. I’m already starting to gather some things I know they will like for Christmas.
H and I also like to take everyone on a family trip once a year that we pay for. This year it was our trip to Bermuda. Next year we are talking about going to Scotland again since SIL has never been and D1 hasn’t been for many years.
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My SIL2 likes Aesop. I get that for him sometimes. I personally wouldn’t buy it for myself.
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I love the idea of airline tickets!
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When ds2 hosted us in Vegas earlier this summer, our thank-you was a massage at his hotel spa. We could’ve given him the money, but knowing him he would’ve pocketed the money and not done something nice for himself, which is what we wanted. We didn’t know that the massage was enough to qualify for access to other amenities so after his massage he spent 30 mins in the sauna. He was soooo happy.
Ds2 always is the one traveling to ds1 so I offer to give him $500 to offset the cost of travel for him and gf, if she wants to come. I consider those “gifts” investment in our family. I would hate for the cost of a ticket to keep him and/or her from a family gathering. I offered to do the same next week when dh and I are flying to ds1 and DIL, but they both have done lots of travel in the past month (and have a trip planned for a couple of weeks where they will see ds1 and DIL in a neutral city!) so they passed. I have an offer out to help offset T’giving travel cost, but no idea whether they will make it.
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While I have not financially supported either of my kids in any capacity since they graduated with their final degrees, I do still give them gifts. I give them birthday, holiday, and anniversary gifts each year. I ask them to pick out what they would like and tell them the gift budget amount and they get whatever that is. I also do the same for their spouses, though for a lesser amount.
My oldest is turning 40 next week, eek! Besides the gift (which she already picked out), I’m having all the kids over to celebrate for a fancy dinner and cake.
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S, D, and SIL do receive gifts. We usually give them a pair of shoes, a nicer clothing item, or a gift card to a clothing store. Every birthday card includes a crisp ‘Benjamin Franklin’, a tradition started by my mom many years ago.
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We’ve always bought our son’s tickets home and have told him we will pay the cost of airfare for him (and now DIL) ANYtime they want to come to us, as often as they want to come — and stay as long as they want. I guess that’s a gift (to me). I just never thought of it that way.
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This reminds me of a joke I heard once. A man calls his son at the end of the year and tells him that he and his wife are divorcing. He’s going to see a lawyer on Monday. The son says “ What do you mean. That’s crazy! You and mom are so in love. “ The son calls again later in the day and says “ I just talked to my sister. We are flying home to tomorrow to talk to you guys.” Dad gets off the phone and goes to his wife and kisses her and says “ Great news honey, the kids are coming home for the holidays after all and we don’t even have to pay for their airfare!”
That one always cracks me up. But in seriousness, I’m always happy to pay for my kids to come home.
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We are happy to pay for our kids to visit as often as they like abc for as long as they like as well. No drama required!
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I forgot to add - ds has a summer birthday. Between Scout Camp, sleep-away camp, academic summer programs, and music summer programs, summer internships, and then graduating and getting a job out of state, I couldn’t tell you the last time we spent a birthday with him.
In his youth, I always coordinated getting him a cake through counselors. In adulthood, I have coordinated through friends and/or co-workers.
This was this year’s cake. I kinda miscalculated. The website said it served 16 people. However, I failed to read that each slice serves 2-3 people! 
His co-worker picked it up for me to take to a local restaurant where he had a party. She said it weighed 10 lbs! Needless to say, there was much leftover cake after his gathering of 16 people. It was as big as his chest!
Getting a birthday cake is something I have always tried to do. Couldn’t coordinate one when he was in Thailand on his 21st, though.
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Both my kids are overseas now. Woe is me, but a couple of times, I arranged cakes with a local bakery to be delivered. I did photo cakes both times and they loved it. That’s probably not going to work in Thailand though, where my son is now, haha.
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And it’s chocolate. I could probably make that cake last up to two days. 
Nice job mom!
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We are celebrating my oldest child’s birthday this afternoon. Her husband is bringing the food and I will provide the swimming pool and drinks. I attempted cake making with the grandchildren yesterday but they weren’t interested. They will want to frost and dump sprinkles all over it today. She loves an ice cream cake but one of the other grandchildren is allergic to dairy.
We got her a swim towel coverup I saw on instagram, a gift certificate for a facial(she loves this one, as it’s something she does regularly and hates paying for). My husband bought her a men’s t shirt she wanted for lounging from a dive shop in town.
When I buy plane tickets for the out of town kid I do it for all of us. It’s helpful for her as it adds up if you fly to visit multiple times in a year. Plus I love having them come. So it’s a gift for all of us.
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I don’t really understand this. Maybe it is the difference between a SIL and a DIL? Would your daughter tell you if he was insulted? Why send the message that his presence is of less value to you than that of your D and GD? I would take more than a little bit of offense and think it literally wouldn’t fly with your average DIL!
I’m with the others who pay for all flights and vacations with us are ‘all inclusive.’ Money is tight enough for the kids and the wedding circuit expensive enough that I don’t want spending time w us to be any kind of financial burden. I will pay to play, we are lucky to make the vacation time budget, and I know it!
Can you buy an airline giftcard?
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Absolutely. Costco used to sell SW airline GCs for less than face value.
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My kids are in their mid-twenties. Right now one is in an apt and doesn’t want stuff and the other is temporarily across the country for a couple of years. So I give checks. If I see a little something that I think they might like, I will get it to go along with the checks. For the one nearby, we do dinner too.
This year, the one across the country was home before their birthday and they had holes in their socks. So I said I am buying you socks for your birthday (I shipped a bunch of Bombas) and they said if it is going to be an undergarment theme, I could use some new bras (her are kinda pricey) so I bought those and a bunch of underwear too. lol. (And then I still sent a check - haha.)
If they every marry, I will give their spouses birthday checks too (or gifts if we are doing gifts at that point).
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