Biting your tongue and adult children

Parent Cafe
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I love my kids, and they are great people who chose great partners. But when they visit, by the time they go I am often exhausted by the effort to not say a single word of something wrong. For example, kid mentions that they can’t do XYZ bc partner (not present) has a voluntary activity – one of many, on top of a 50 hr work week. I said gosh they sure do work a lot more than _I_would like and this was received as an opportunity to riff on being more understanding that some jobs require many hours, I said yup I just meant the voluntary stuff but it’s not my life, it’s yours, that was not a sufficient end point.

If I have an opinion they don’t share, they can’t bear to hear it – and yes, I get that our mothers’ voices are heard differently than other people. Is this familiar to anyone else? I’m not talking about arguments, I just have this running voice in my head going “be careful, don’t say THAT, don’t say it that WAY, smile more, talk less”. And the visit ends up feeling very superficial bc I haven’t had a single real conversation.

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YES. YES. YES. 10000 times, Yes. I thought I was the only one. I refer to it as “talking on eggshells”. It’s exhausting.

Issues with the kids? D calls me. Looking for advice? Who knows. It takes me an hour to formulate the correct response in both words and tone… And usually it’s STILL wrong.

Sigh.

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Stipulating my oldest is just a senior in college, I have found that asking, “Are you looking for advice or do you want to vent without outside comments” helps with my conversations with all my kids (learned this the hard way with my oldest).

Beyond that, all I have is lots of ((((((hugs))))))). I know everyone told me the parenting thing gets more complicated the older the kids get but I didn’t realize how much harder it would be.

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I am finding it like when they were tweens. if I ask questions, I am prying. If I don’t ask questions, I’m not interested enough. if I talk,I am boring, if I listen, I am hiding a secret and ominous agenda. Surely we will get the hang of this, right?

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I don’t have this issue with D. S, on the other hand, requires handling with care. It’s nothing new - he’s been that way since he was a teen. I have learned to be available to answer if he asks … but I don’t ask much myself. Once I learned how he operates, I learned how to interact with him. I don’t mind meeting him on his terms, though.

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I have this with my daughter, but not my son; with him, we can speak freely. That said, my daughter has always been like this, and has been told she is too sensitive, not just by me, but her dear friends.

As she has gotten older, I have hit back with her comments only to show her how it hurts me. She will take a comment and totally twist it to mean something else; she always thinks I mean something else than what I said. As I teen, I looked up as she was coming down the stairs, and she jumped on my saying I think she looked fat in what she had on. Now, my daughter was 5’9" and under 120 lbs; the last thing I thought about her was that she was fat!

We are doing much better since I try to communicate better, and if she misinterpreted what I said, I go ahead and correct her. It isn’t always pleasant, but we are working on it.

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I have two adult sons, both married. I don’t have this difficulty with either of them. I know not to approach certain topics, so I don’t. S1 is more – oh, emotionally aware than S2, so if I have to ask or say something to S2, I will often preface it with, “I get to say this 'cause I’m your mother!” and then he takes it with humor. Usually.

ETA: It’s also the case that, with S1, I don’t have too many things that he does that I disagree with. He has an organized, supportive wife and two children and a dog, so he’s busy up to his eyeballs. Occasionally he’ll ask for assistance with a work issue, or with his benefits (my speciality), but other than that he’s a fully formed adult.

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I think this is one of those things that you won’t know if you’ve never experienced it.

Some children are dreams, you can discuss things with them. They don’t jump on you for no reason. It’s peaceful.

Other children, it’s a journey. Not one that you want and it’s exhausting. Because nothing is interpreted the way you mean it. Or in a way that isn’t an insult to them.

So if your children aren’t like the OP, consider yourself very lucky. And if you do have a child like this, offer your apologies. But know that it’s not you. You are doing nothing wrong. It’s something the kid needs to get through. And if that means some discipline, distance and try to keep your mind that you are a good person. And a good mother.

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A story

When our kids were younger, there was a time where there wasn’t a lot of money. There were a couple of years, I needed to make some tough decisions. I said no to the school pictures that were put in a drawer. I only bought one yearbook.

Years later, one of my kids told me they were a very ugly child (they weren’t) and that I didn’t buy the pictures because they were so ugly.

I said, actually we were poor at the moment and needed to make choices. :roll_eyes:

And that I thought they were beautiful always.

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I can relate. Especially with the in-law children.

But I’ve learned something which really helped me. I have several friends with kids who haven’t launched. I’m not talking about the 22 year old recent college grad who says “Maybe I’ll join the Peace Corps” on Monday, and then claims to be studying for the GMAT’s on Tuesday. I’m talking mid-30’s, college educated, floating from job to job with always a reason why “My boss hates me” as to why they got fired, or why “the commute was killing me” to explain why they’ve quit yet another job. (You have no family responsibilities so other than walking your dog and ordering takeout, what about your commute was interfering with your life?)

I found that after spending time with these friends, my irritation at zipping my mouth seems to dissipate. Not that I gloat- I feel terrible for these families who don’t seem to have much insight into the dynamic they’ve got themselves into. And of course, I try to listen with empathy and compassion, don’t brag about my own kids, don’t snark.

But watching the ENDLESS advice, criticism, comments some of these folks direct at their kids-- WOW. Moms who have spent 30 years teaching first grade are offering up SO MUCH advice about breaking into the tech sector and what venture capital firms are looking for when evaluating startups. Dads who are CPA’s in a four person accounting firm criticizing the kid who is working in television production and trying to get into a bigger market. Their 35 year old kids are doing the jobs that 24 year old’s have… and instead of encouraging, listening, being supportive or just keeping their mouths shut about industries they know nothing about, they are undermining and critiquing and harping and whacking away at the kid’s sense of self or accomplishment.

It helps me realize that I, too, think I am an expert on things I probably know nothing about despite my confidence that I have all the answers. And therefore- my “advice” probably comes off as nagging, criticizing, undermining despite the best intentions.

It’s been a reframe for me. Sure I know everything about raising kids- I did it, right? But my kids listen to their pediatricians, Dr. Google, Jessica Alba, or god knows which influencer. And since I really resented MY parents telling me that my pediatrician didn’t know what she was talking about, it makes me realize that undermining any of the “experts” (even the ones who are insane) isn’t the right strategy.

Fortunately, all the parents involved believe in science, vaccines, gravity, earth is round.

But it helps me keep my mouth shut. You probably have friends who criticize their adult kids constantly- and think they are just “having a conversation”. Spend an hour listening to that and it won’t be quite so hard to bite your tongue! And you won’t even feel the eggshells!

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One question I ask my kids when they are venting (and my wife and I ask each other this question as well…) is, “Comfort or counsel?” Do you want to have someone to listen and support and be an ear to bend, or do you want advice, suggestions and/or help in negotiating things. Of ten it is a mixture of both, with comfort first, and then counsel if it is asked for.

I know I usually need to vent, and then often ask for suggestions…

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I was very excited when I suggested both a coffee table and a light,and my son bought them both!

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I feel that way with one of my kids, but it’s gotten better as he’s gotten older (he’s now in his 30s). In fact, we just spent a weekend with him, and I remarked to dh how he was less prickly this trip. It was nice.

You know what the one thing he scolded me about was? Calling the University of South Carolina USC. “Moooom, don’t call it that!” I thought, Uh, they were the only USC still in the tournament so there was no confusion, soooooon! :roll_eyes: :rofl:

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OP here – if I were to say “comfort or counsel” the answer would be “why? What do you think I need? I don’t need either. Are you thinking something?”

Again, this is not me being critical or nosy because all the kids are awesome and they know we think so. I’m not offering advice or second guessing their choices. This is trying to ask normal sorts of “how’s it going at work?” questions that prompt 20 minutes of defensive explanations that I didn’t intend or imply. So I don’t ask how work is. I don’t ask how anything “is”.

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My kid once yelled at my husband because he used the same knife he sliced his bagel with to butter it.

They thought I had used the knife incorrectly and therefore it was right to correct me. :wink:

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I think there is a big difference in that if you’ve never experienced a “prickly” child, you don’t know how horrible the feeling of trying to find anything to talk to them about. And that every comment is wrong.

To reference what another poster talked about.

My mil has an opinion and advice to give for every situation.

The difference is that my husband and I are respectful when she goes on and on about what we should do (we are in our 60’s and retired for crying out loud). We listen and do what we want.

What @greenbutton is described is a completely different animal and one that thankfully some have never experienced.

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“……If I don’t ask questions, I’m not interested enough.”- ROFL. No, our kids never complained about lack of questions. Sometimes at dinner we would ask name of “friend” mentioned. Usual answer was, “you don’t know him/her” (our kids didn’t attend their home high school). Finally I said, “and we never will if you keep saying that”.

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I no longer ask open-ended “how is” questions (how is the apartment after it flooded, how is work, how is your friend going through a bad divorce/breakup). I ask specific questions which can either get a five word answer or something lengthier, depending on how my prickliest kid is feeling.

“Did you have trouble finding a replacement for the rug that got ruined after the flood?” Answer is usually “I found one I liked more”, OR “decided not to replace it” OR-- my favorite- a ten minute discussion of West Elm vs. Goodwill vs. Buy Nothing, and “would you have a rug dry cleaned if you got it free from buy nothing?” Hey, someone asked for my advice!!!

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@greenbutton

This child called once and said, “you know how I’m sometimes short with you”

“I’m like that with my SO also and they don’t like it”

I’m going to find a counselor and a psychiatrist. With counseling and medication. And testing to figure things out, things are better.

We also let them have contact with us on their terms and that seems to help.

There are still hiccups.

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I can relate to a lot of this. Both our Ds are pretty sensitive, but about different things. I work very hard to respect boundaries as neither of them are the type to tolerate the “I’m your mother so I can say what I want” type of interactions I observe among many of my friends and their children.

Honestly, the bigger problem is DH. He has always had a problem with not thinking before he speaks. Things can be perfectly fine and all of a sudden he will blurt out something that either upsets or angers one of the Ds. We have never ever been a yelling family, (in fact we have never ever raised our voices to each other in anger), but certainly have our occasional conflicts. DH sometimes precipitates these when, had he used a filter, might not have ever been an issue. He has been this way since I’ve known him, and he’s done the same with me more times than I can count. So, by comparison, my Ds think I’m pretty easy going and not prone to causing them chagrin. But I do spend a bit more time reflecting on what I say and how it could be perceived before I say it. They love DH dearly, don’t get me wrong, and they appreciate his many good qualities. But we are about to take a family trip with both girls and husbands, and I find myself wondering at what point he is going to put his foot in his mouth, and who is going to take offense.

ETA: upon further reflection, I don’t mean to imply that our interactions with our Ds are never deep, or that we aren’t pretty close. Just that, like others have noted in this thread, sometimes you feel like you have to be so careful with stating your opinions on various issues, sometimes not even opinions that have anything to do with them personally or their lives.

I guess relationships are always a work in progress as we navigate the different eras of our lives.

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