Does this cartoon belong here…?
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D has been “prickly”, defensive, and emotional since forever. So I’m (somewhat) used to “talking on eggshells”. I thought by now she’d have grown out of it, but, sadly, nope. Not yet.
The “funny” thing (I say funny in quotes because… Is it really funny?) is that her older son, 5yo, has personality traits almost EXACTLY like hers. I can’t help but smile.
Question for all. Did you approach your parents, or in-laws like this? I feel like if I had spoken to them like D speaks to me at times, I’d have Heard about it! Oof
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Never. I had and still have my inside voice and my outside voice. There were lots of things I wish I had said that of course…I didn’t.
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Absolutely no one I knew would have talked to their parents in any way other than with respect (because we knew that disrespect was not tolerated). But then again, no parents I knew growing up asked us much that would be considered prying. They were pretty much the opposite of helicopter parents. They were strict but didn’t pry (and I suspect that they didn’t ask because they didn’t want to know).
In her very old age, my MIL offers too many opinions about things that aren’t her business, but we just redirect!
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No I did not but my sibling acts in a very similar manner.
I’ve found that my husband’s brother is lately butting heads with his mother.
I personally think that my sibling suffers from mental illness issues as does my child. The child’s are documented and treated. My sibling’s are not and why I have gone low contact.
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I am really enjoying this thread. It’s all hard. I tell my kids that I still get to be a parent. I deserve that right and I won’t always get things right. I also ask them how I can improve our relationship? I try to talk with them more but one out of the country and one just busy but we go on “Walks” sometimes to talk even though she’s in another state. She always opens up while on live walks or phone walks. We actually both enjoy that but she’s definitely closer to her mom. But she does enjoy my opinion, at least she says she does.
When my sons excited about something he’s great to talk to. But other times we have to play “20 questions”, to get stuff out of him. But the last year he’s been much easier to talk with.
Both are pretty good at listening to what we have to I say. But with both there is always that boundary line that once I cross it…the conversation can go south. But I can’t always figure out where that boundary line is… Lol. It can be different each time we talk… Lol. Is that the "walking on shells thing ". Lol
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I think you bring up some good points.
While I’ll appreciate that I rarely have “bite your tongue” moments I will say that it is indeed true that our 3 kids will often “use” H and I for different things/conversations. One daughter tells me a lot about her day-to-day but she will call my H to chat about politics/world affairs - I’m TOTALLY OK not to be in that conversation, lol. Son calls me with random thoughts, about his day, we talk tv and all that - but his dad is the “go to” for sports talk and questions about car/house issues.
I remember feeling judged a lot from conversations with my parents. Like so many questions/conversations were too inquisitive or feeling like I was giving a report. Feeling like they were trying to put reigns back on me. It was better if we could at least “break the ice” on a visit by talking about non-judgy things like tv, what we bought at the farmer’s market, the weather! 
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Agreed that kids often silo the parents into specific topics. I think over time, for me, this created a certain expectation that if they are talking to me, there is some sort of crisis to be revealed. It’s like I am the EMT and DH is the ice cream truck
My dad was the best listener in the whole world; my mom still will take one single sentence and turn it into something to worry incessantly about. She was also fond of asking me, all the time, “why are you eating that” which of course resulted in disordered eating to conquer later in life. I know she meant well, and I try myself to find a proper balance of forthright and MYOB
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One thing I have learned is that it is sometimes easy to stay in “mom” mode and offer advice when none is wanted. I also know that not every kid who is not fully launched is that way due to what the parents did. That kid may have mental health challenges and coming home for a while may be a way to get to a better mental state.
I have had to learn to really not say “I think you should…” or even “You may want to…” because it sounds like I am telling them what to do. Sometimes that is welcome, but often not.
I can have discussions with my kids about issues we disagree on.
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This is a great line!!!
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Yeah. About the age of 60…
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The biggest lesson I learned from my eldest kid (28yo) is to not give unsolicited advice. It took me awhile to transition from guiding her life and questioning her choices to just letting her live life on her own terms without any judgment from me. We had a very rocky relationship for several years, and she made some missteps, but that hard earned lesson improved our relationship and helped me better connect with my younger two.
Now, my eldest regularly calls for life and career advice. I know all the drama happening in her friend circle and at work. I had a three hour chat with my 23yo the other day where we talked about everything under the sun. My son is more reserved but opens up gradually during our weekly calls. I ask open-ended questions as well as more specific questions based on prior conversations.
As far as taking a defensive tone with parents or in-laws, I wouldn’t label it that way. I established boundaries early on with both and will not discuss certain topics with them if I don’t feel like it. I’m an only child from a generation that was the least parented so I am fiercely independent and know my own mind. If I want your advice, I’ll ask for it. My family is used to it but my silent generation in-laws complain to my spouse.
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As example of a different outcome my mom’s MIL never held back expressing her feelings on how my mom kept house, reared her kids, her opinion of my mom’s parents, etc. It led to a breach. My parents went to counseling, apparently unusual in those days, and my dad was told he had to choose between his mother and his wife. So me and my siblings never knew my father’s parents or our aunt. My mom (as she told me later) vowed to do different and never once told her children and their spouses if she disagreed with anything they chose to do. From your post and others in the thread I can appreciate how difficult it must have been at times for her, as her child I certainly knew she held strong opinions and since she was a teacher especially about children, but she (and my siblings) knew first-hand what might happen were she to just speak her mind. At her funeral my brother’s wife expressed thru tears how grateful she always was knowing our mom would always be supportive.
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My own MiL never had a thought she didn’t share, for better or worse, but she’s never spoken a bad word about me in front of my kids. They are an extremely vocal and emotional family; my own is not so I actually have always found it simpler to deal with my MIL bc you never have to wonder what she really thinks 
.
I have found that “they are grownups, they’ll figure it out” is the best wayto think about my 30-somethings. I try to keep my worries to myself because they are my problem — but I’ll admit sometimes it gets away from me.
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As I’ve alluded to before, we don’t talk about anything substantive with D or SiL. D is unable to discuss her work, which would at least be a neutral topic. Neither one shows much interest in talking about our grandchildren and both are consumed with politics and conspiracy theories, and will rarely talk about anything else so we have few conversations.
We don’t feel the same need to bite our tongues with S, although we do to some extent with DiL. That’s an improvement over a decade ago. These days, we mainly try to refrain from expressing concern about his health. We just tell each other that as long as he’s happy then we’re happy. Our love for S is about all that we have in common with DiL. A once a month Skype call is about the extent of our contact, other than an occasional photo text.
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This thread brings back memories of our S in kindergarten. At the dinner table, we’d ask him about his day. He’d say nothing happened, so we’d ask about what he did at school. I’ll insert here that he had a fabulous teacher, and parents (including me) worked in the classroom every day. He’d tell us “Nothing,” so we’d say, “What did your teacher talk about?” He’d respond, “Nothing.” We’d say that surely she must have talked about something … to which he would respond, “She just sat and stared at us all day.” That should have been our clue that this kid isn’t a sharer!
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I suppose that’s better than telling an outlandish lie… “she locked us in the coat closet while she went out for ice cream without us”
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I was thinking about this topic today at my mil’s.
My bil has a dog that my in laws watch while he’s at work, or out of town. Which means they have the dog about 80% of the time but they love the dog and it’s their business.
Next weekend we have my daughter’s wedding and will be out of town for a long weekend.
My bil is not coming (it’s a long story but there’s a destination wedding later) So he’s in charge of the dog. For a long weekend.
My mil told me that she told her son that he needs to make arrangements for the dog since he will be working for one of those days. She was giving him options and people he could call to watch this dog.
I finally said, he’s 62 years old. He will figure out what to do. Or not. Let him figure it out!
It never ends right?
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I learned to ask them things like “what surprised you today” or “did anything unexpected happen”. My oldest was dx w ADHD as an adult, and one of the first things I learned was to not ask “why” but instead start with “tell me more about”. I should probably start doing that again!
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I have always been fairly careful about how I talk to my kids. My oldest is not prickly (though he might not actually be listening). The youngest was definitely prickly, but something happened over the last couple of years. Maybe he matured, or realized that we only had his best interests at heart, or just decided to start treating us better. I noticed that things really changed a couple of years ago when I let him have it. Usually I back down with him and get quiet, but this time I told him that he thought he was a feminist, and he definitely wasn’t, because he was always trying to shut me down and not let me respond. That seemed to hit home for him, and a couple of months ago he mentioned that he is trying hard not to do that, and always wants me to have a chance to respond.
What is really wearying is someone else very close to me can be very prickly, and I don’t know when it will happen. It is exhausting, but I have become a master at de-escalating over the years. I do not enjoy confrontation, and I find a way to de-escalate everything with everyone I deal with, if possible.
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