Now my kids are in their 30s. Most of conversation is around FYI. Unless it’s really important, I don’t say much or I’ll wait a while before I say something. The other day D2 was venting about her job and closed to tears. I knew there was nothing I could do for her other than listen. At some point they just need to figure out how to get out of the situation themselves. Later I did say to her that if she is not happy with her job, figure out if it’s the work itself or people she is working with, and she can change her job if she is that unhappy. It’s as much as I could say.
I actually have some good/deep discussions with my son in law. We will debate about politics, social issues, etc. D1 will usually tell us to be quiet while she watched tv.
We FaceTime with ds once a week for about half an hour. It really is hard for me not to use this as a, “report,” type discussion. I want to know what he has been up to. It’s hard to have a deep conversation in that short of time. We do have some texting throughout the week, but I try to keep it to a minimum. He is busy. I’m certainly open to suggestions on how to not have our weekly visits feel like interviews.
As far as biting my tongue goes, I struggle when things potentially impact ME. I am a huge planner. I am also a worrywart. Ds is a good planner, but his timeline for planning is much shorter than mine. I am really struggling at this point in time because he is graduating with his MBA in eight and a half weeks. He has been hugely devoted to a start up for well over a year. Their timing for their seed round keeps getting pushed back. He knows he has a safety net with us, and we have told him if it makes more sense for him to move in with us for a while, that is fine. I have no idea if they will get their seed round money or not. I certainly hope they do, but there is no Plan B. That is a hard spot for me.
Uncertainty makes me anxious too, but I tell myself the time to take risks is when you are young, no mortgage or kids etc.
This popped up on my facebook feed from Dear Amy
No advice for moms but know that others notice this behavior
Amy: I am a man in my 20’s, exclusively dating my girlfriend for the last three years. We are very compatible and are talking about moving in together.
I have met her family members a few times socially but have never spent much time with them.
Recently we took a trip to her hometown and stayed with her folks. Her parents seem very nice, and as far as I can tell they approve of me. We spent four days there and had a nice time.
I’m a little concerned because while we were there I felt like my girlfriend wasn’t very nice to her mother. She acted very irritated by her mother and was snapping at her. She seemed to react to her grandmother the same way – impatient and bordering on rude. I witnessed this in person and I’ve also heard her be this way with her mother on the phone.
Lately I have to admit that she seems to be treating me a little bit this way, too. When she is bothered or irritated, she snaps and is very short with me.
I really did not like seeing her this way with her mother, I don’t like being treated this way, and I’m wondering if this is a red flag about our future.
– Snapped At
Dear Snapped At: Mothers and daughters sometimes share a tricky dynamic. You’re not likely to influence a lifetime of feelings between your girlfriend and the women in her life, but adults are supposed to be able to control their behavior.
So call her on this. When she snaps at you, call her on it.
And the next time you two are having one of those conversations where you’re discussing each other’s foibles and failings, you should tell her how it strikes you when you witness her being impatient and rude toward her mother and grandmother.
Yes, I’d say that this behavior is a red flag, but it is also behavior your girlfriend can change – and she should absolutely be willing to work on it.
We used to ask our oldest D “What did you do in school today?”. Her response was “Everything I had to”. It worked out but we hoped for more detail. 
This is when my husband will tell me “You know what? He’ll figure it out. Quit worrying.”
I agree at Amy’s response! Call her on the snapping! Especially at you (boyfriend)!
Is it just him “reporting” out? Or do you and your H share stuff too? At some point I got in the habit of making some of our “scheduled” conversation - like when the kids were in college - about fun stuff or things I did or my hobbies or whatever - lightens things up before or after the “weekly report”!
My older brother is the prickly one and it has gotten worse at times and better at times. I always felt like my mom was walking on eggshells around him. I do too because I want to avoid conflict.
My kids and DH and I have a better dynamic. It’s not perfect and I often want more info than I get especially from D22 who is in college but it’s pretty good.
I try to talk to them like I would talk to a friend and not like I’m interviewing them. We talk about what funny memes we’ve seen or cool galleries/art museums or sports or politics (we are all on the same page politically) or concerts we want to go to or trips we want to go on. I do ask my D22 questions but I try to offer up some of what I am doing too (going to the library, taking a walk, etc). I don’t get as much info about D22 at college as I would if she was living with us but when we talk she is not usually too prickly. I’m sure she doesn’t tell me everything but I think we have a good relationship.
While I lay the blame on my daughter’s sensitivity/prickly behavior, she called me out on my own behavior this past year after she moved back to our home town. We were packing my mother’s belongings to get her ready for her move to independent living, and mom was driving me crazy. She wanted to take everything with her, and the new place was less than half the size as her current. I believe I told my daughter to be more respectful to her grandmother, when she replied for about the 10th time that she did not want anything from the kitchen. At some point I got irritated with mom and said something unnecessary; my D replied to me, “You do the same thing to GM.” Yep, it hit home!
No, we share what is going on with us. And we talk about fun stuff. There just can’t be much depth in half an hour.
Last summer my ds was in a wedding back in our former hometown. For timing reasons for his summer internship and my and his desire to see friends in the area, he and I wound up staying ten days or so after the wedding. Shared a hotel room. It was great. We spent some with just the two of us doing things together (movie, trivia, meals, visiting a local tourist spot) some with big friend groups, and some with our own respective friends. We were good roommates, and it was really nice having that leisurely, extended time together. It’s the same when he spends a week with us at holidays. There is less, “urgency.” The weekly FaceTime calls feel sort of, “urgent,” to me. Not sure if that makes any sense. We have lived thousands of miles apart for nearly ten years - since he started his freshman year of college. It’s rare for us to have extended time together.
He isn’t prickly at all, but does let me know if I have crossed his boundaries. It is extremely rare for him to ask either of us for advice about anything.
Yes, it makes sense! Sounds like you have raised and he has developed himself into a responsible young adult! <3
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I used to ask my kids if anyone got in trouble at school that day. Oh, then the sharing came out!
I had one who we walked on eggshells for many years. We never knew what simple sentence would turn the mood. What had helped tremendously for my two prickly kids is they decided they needed to change and got help and went on medication. Prickly and shortness was a lot a symptom of anxiety.
I have 2 sons. For the most part neither are prickly, although I do know what annoys them, so I’m conscious of that. But it goes both ways. I do find I try to just be a listening ear as much as I can, not easy for me.
Where I’m having issues is future DIL. I’ve seen her be just annoyed and snap at her Mom. She seems to be a bit on the “contrary” side. She’s quiet and introverted. Never seems to speak up when she agrees, but has no problem stating her views when she disagrees. I find myself watching what I say that can be controversial. I also have noticed I haven’t counterpointed her view out of just getting along. I find I’m starting to hold her a bit at arms length so she doesn’t get too comfortable and start treating me like her mom.
@conmama : I think you are wise to hold her at arms length.
I’m sorry you don’t have the relationship you would like with your child. Have you tried family therapy or journaling back and forth with your child? When I reflect on my own behavior, I know I was sometimes a critical, short-tempered, and downright mean parent. Things I said off the cuff were deeply wounding to my children. We are in a better place now because I acknowledged and aplogized for the pain I caused them while vowing to be more compassionate. Good relationships take work and the parent-child one is no different. I hope yours improves.
I don’t know how long your son’s relationship with FDIL has included “family time”, but it might not be a bad thing at all to have more of an ‘arm’s length’ relationship for quite some time.
In some ways, I always think in-law relationships are strange. Two people decide to get married and all of a sudden, you have twice the family…often without any individual getting much time to know the ‘new’ family member(s) all that well. Hard/uncomfortable for everyone in the situation, even if we often don’t acknowledge the challenge because getting married is ‘good news’.
Letting the new relationship with son-in-law or daughter-in-law develop slowly and not necessarily with immediate intimacy seems like it could lead to a better long term relationship for everyone.
(((((Hugs))))) to you as you navigate this.
I remember things my mother said to me when I was the ages of my kids right now- and boy, were they obnoxious and sometimes really hurtful.
I don’t think she meant it to be mean (obnoxious maybe, discourteous maybe). But honestly… if you are going through a rough patch in your life (spouse, kid, boss, health, friends, whatever) sometimes an off-hand comment from a parent can land like nothing else. Think of your most supportive friend- the one who always seems to know what to say, how to make you feel embraced even when you feel lousy, the one who never judges and just can play back to you “it will get better I promise”. Well- my mom was the opposite of that. When things were going great, it was easy to shrug it off (and have something hilarious to recount to the siblings). When things weren’t going great- Ugh.
So Deb- maybe what you are seeing is just an adult kid going through a rough patch, and so the normal things parents say almost without thinking- really stings.
I remember getting a huge new job (big step up for me, a lot more money, really a fantastic opportunity) and my mom’s reaction was “Gosh, you barely see your kids as it is”.
Really? A friend can say it jokingly (if you are both working mom’s) and you can chuckle that neither of you are going to be Betty Crocker or Mother of the Year and that Martha Stewart is looking to you for cooking tips.
But from my own mother- especially since I had NEVER missed a school play, poetry reading, chaperoned every single class trip by using up most of my vacation days, was always the first parent to volunteer, did every stupid bake sale and pancake flip even if it meant going to bed at 2 am for a 6 am wake up call… Barely see my kids?
Keeping your mouth shut is never a bad strategy if things are in a fraught place. And when they get less fraught- maybe a heart to heart conversation about what’s going on? It’s probably NOT about you… just an over-reaction because parents can land a barb without even knowing it…
Hugs.