@VeryHappy and @beebee3, she’s hard to get to know and they’ve dated for just about 8 years. She’s a kind person, smart, considerate. She’s good for him. She’s respectful, but I’m seeing now that little chink in the armor. A little taking for granted my “niceness” so to speak. A very small example.
We were all sitting outside at night, including my other DS a couple weeks ago, burning wood in the chiminea. We have a cherry tree that blossoms for only about a week and the fragrance is amazing. It’s not uncommon all these years for the 4 of us to go over and get a big whiff. Like I said…7 days it lasts. So, my other DS gets up, goes over and gets a big whiff. We discuss the tree. I get up to get a whiff and pull one of the flowers for her to smell. I bring it back and hand it to her. She just takes it and doesn’t say anything. I asked her what she thought. She sort of shrugged a little and said quietly “it smells like a flower”. I felt stupid and thought “oh-oh, hmmmm”, time to start being nicely polite and friendly but not go out of my way.
I totally get it. I have one DIL who’s warm and smart and funny and impulsive. She ends phone calls by telling me she loves me. My other DIL who is muuuuuuuuch cooler told me once as I arrived for a short stay and opened my arms to her that she’s “not into hugging anymore.” When I ask her how her job is, all I get “OK” or “Fine.”
And I agree with @beebee3 – the in-law relationship is strange!! I love my first DIL, but I appreciate my second DIL, since my son chose her and apparently she makes him happy. So, I’ll deal.
@blossom : I think we had the same mother. I once asked her, “Why do you always criticize me?” And she said, “If I don’t tell you what’s wrong, who will?” To which I thought, “It’s a rough world out there. If you don’t praise me, who will?”
I don’t know anything about your family, so I am not saying that these things are actually at play in your situation. But it’s possible that your family situation reminds her that her own family situation is not as close … or she may feel that she is spending time with your family but he isn’t spending time with her family … or your family may be reminiscing about old times & she feels left out (especially if no one asks about her own happy family memories) … or she might be an introvert & isn’t comfortable (yet, hopefully).
@conmama For this one scenario, I can kind of see both sides of this. I have a SisIL who always evangelizes about things she loves, particularly food items - often handing us a piece of something to try even though I haven’t asked for it. As an introvert, I feel pressured to react in a way that supports her feelings, and it can be annoying. The expectation that I will of course agree with her can actually affect my response. Now I have noticed that my family tends to do this with my DIL. Because she is from a different part of the country and was raised differently, we often introduce her to things that are important to us with the expectation or hope that she will love it as much as we do. Often the response we get is something like your FDIL gave you about the flowers. I have a terrific relationship with DIL, but I have learned that what I like or my family likes and appreciates may not resonate with her in the same way, or that she just doesn’t want to jump on the family rah-rah bandwagon for whatever reason. So I give her grace and am mindful about how I/we introduce her to things that are important to our family. My D’s boyfriend, on the other hand, is not like this at all - he is much more open to learning about us and diving into new things (foods, experiences) with an open and eager mind. Introvert vs. extrovert - I think this comes into play.
I don’t see ANY blame on this thread. I see a lot of people who have experienced the same thing trying to offer solutions which worked for them so you can try them on for size.
I saw that I was the one who needs to apologize. I didn’t appreciate it.
I found a lot of suppositions about my behavior.
About how I’m phrasing things. About how I should approach things differently.
That’s not the case.
My mom says things that are insensitive. My mil also.
The difference is that I treat them respectfully and don’t bite their head off. Or go off on some wild accusations that aren’t even close to being true.
Hi, no that’s not the issue. She’s very close with her family and the 2 of them do a lot with them. I think she just may be one if those types of people that when she gets too comfortable, she might start being a tad disagreeable for some reason.
It’s odd, because I think she really wants to be liked and have a nice time. She’s not a pot stirrer of any kind.Perhaps it’s just a bit of social immaturity. She makes sure I’m included in all the pre-wedding fun, like going when she was choosing her dress, then the caterer tasting. It’s just odd.
My other son’s GF is very different. I don’t “trust” her yet lime I do my future DIL, but she’s so so easy to talk to.
Sometimes it helps to see things from another perspective. I apologize if I’ve offended you. It was not my intention. You are hurting and I don’t want to contribute to that.
I think children have personalities and preferences that they forge at least in part on their own. The rest is a mystery of experiences and genetics and none of us will ever be the reason a kid is prickly or a warm and snuggly child.
I got advice once that struck me as strange until my kids were adults – never be afraid to let your kids know you are a person too. So if they see us sad, or hurt, or struggling, or angry, or whatever that isn’t going to damage them ( of course toxic levels is different) . Moms are people too. Dads are people too. I remind myself that how my kids “turn out” is neither to my credit, nor to my blame. We all do the best we can where we are.
Absolutely it has for me. Since she was a teenager, my daughter (only child of single mom) has swung back and forth between communicating comfortably with me and keeping her distance. During many college vacations, she would act like a rhymes-with-witch the whole two weeks, and then just before it was time to go back, she’d sit on my lap and tell me how much she missed me when there. Alas, this pattern continues. She’s 28, married to a great guy, and will be a doctor next month, and still picks these text battles with me from time to time. I told her recently that I refuse to engage with her that way anymore and if she wants to discuss something with me more complicated than basic information, it will have to be on the phone or videochat. I’m waiting to find out what comes next. I’m glad that I’ll see her on May 15 for graduation. There, I spilled it!
Of course she will always be my heart, no matter what, and I am so proud of her–busting my buttons! But I hope against hope that we have a comfortable-with-each-other phase soon!
I’ve always said this. As long as offspring are loved and no harm done. Some of the things my kids do and how they behave that I’m not happy with, they do “in spite of” their upbringing. Not my fault. Their accomplishments and wonderful ways they are…again, it’s just who they are. I don’t pat myself on the back.
Yes, a few things I take credit for…but mostly no. It amuses me the parents who take credit for their “marvelous and accomplished” children. I have one friend whose daughter is getting ready to go to medical school. I know she thinks it’s because of her wonderful parenting skills. Yet, she has another who has floundered and made poor judgements in error her whole life.
I think this is an interesting topic of discussion (for another thread)…“do you or what do you take credit for in your child’s life?” Or what area do you think you really influenced them on?
I love your post. I really think most children, even as adults, don’t really see their parents as individuals separate from themselves. I’ve long had a contentious relationship with my mother, who can be a very selfish, mean person. But I lover her and as I’ve aged I’ve come to see her life experiences more mindfully and understand their power in her life. I’m not excusing bad behavior - I call it out and I’m no one’s doormat, but I like to also be as kind as I can.
With my own children I don’t hide the real me. If they hurt my feelings, I tell them. If I do wrong, I admit it.
My parents were divorced when I was 5. Never had a real relationship with my father. My kids know this and I use that sometimes in discussions since they know that I don’t want that with them. I also worked part time when I should of been full time so I could take them to baseball or singing lessons etc. That was important to me.
But as I get older and now my mother gone going on 3 year’s I realize that I should of called more or just done more also as the child. I talk to my kids about that. It has seemed to help our relationships actually. I am definitely talking /texting with them more.
It would be so much easier if they just did everything we say and what we expect them to do (tongue in cheek response).
ShawWife and I play different roles in our kids’ lives. In general, they would call me for help with adult life (career choices, benefits, investments, apartment choices, leases, house purchases). They call ShawWife about emotional issues (relationships etc.).
I don’t usually bite my tongue. ShawSon listens to me a lot more than he listens to ShawWife. A number of years ago, ShawSon was in a several year relationship with a woman that neither ShawWife nor I thought would be the best partner for him and he asked ShawWife whether she thought he should marry her. When I was visiting, I said, “If you want to marry GF, we will be 100% behind you. But, if you are not sure, I see a number of red flags if you want to hear them.” He did. He ultimately let the relationship fade away being in separate cities at the beginning of Covid (not inviting her to live with him) and met a wonderful woman and married her.
However, I am sensitive to both kids being overworked (ShawSon as a venture-backed startup co-founder often works 17 hours a day) and try to be empathetic before making suggestions. He was having a medical problem and ShawWife had encouraged him to pursue it more aggressively and he was so busy he picked the path of least resistance, which was not working. I suggested he make a few life changes, which he tried. I found a specialized clinic at the local, very well-regarded medical school, gave him the number, and he called and is getting better as a result of expert treatment.
ShawD seems remarkably mature professionally and personally, but can get emotionally overwhelmed. I think ShawWife and I are happy to listen when that happens. ShawD has a new partner who uses they/them pronouns. We said, “We will try but using a plural pronoun for a singular individual so goes against our training in grammar that we apologize in advance for the mistakes we are sure to make.” ShawD corrects us when we err. The partner seems fine with our effort and seems to be working to spend more time with us.
ShawWife periodically asks when grandkids are coming. ShawSon’s and his wife-to-be (WTB) visited us early in Covid – they and ShawD and then BF drove cross-country to spend the holidays with us. We didn’t realize how short ShawSon’s and WTB’s relationship was. ShawWife was giving WTB the tour of our house. WTB asked what this room was for and ShawWife said, without missing a beat, “Grandchildren.” We laugh about it now.
By the time I was my kids’ ages, I had two kids, a house, two cars … and I was perfectly capable of managing my life as an adult. I keep that in mind as I deal with my kids.
I take credit for the good stuff.The bad things, I blame on their father.Just kidding. Our youngest, who is quite introspective, told us he thinks he got his intuitiveness from me, and his work ethic from his dad. To which I said, “What, do you think I’m lazy?” And my husband said, “Wait, what does intuitiveness mean?”
(tongue in cheek response).
Just kidding. Our youngest, who is quite introspective, told us he thinks he got his intuitiveness from me, and his work ethic from his dad. To which I said, “What, do you think I’m lazy?” And my husband said, “Wait, what does intuitiveness mean?”