It’s interesting that if my mother were to comment here, she’d most likely say I could be a prickly adult child, especially in my 20’s and 30’s and she wouldn’t be wrong. She’s also , with full confidence, tell you she couldn’t understand it. She’d have great difficulty coming up with any reasons for my behavior. She’d tell you that her friends can’t comprehend it either because she’s “so sweet”.
I’m not saying this is anyone’s issue here, but it’s just fascinating how sometimes people can’t see that they can be the problem.
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Truly sorry for the circumstances and what you are going through.
Not this scenario but I’ve gotten that “you need to be bigger in this situation” from one of my kids. My response was a straight “you don’t know the history, the circumstances, or anything about my relationships with everyone about this particular situation. And you won’t. I appreciate your concern but you’ll have to trust me that I’m doing/acting as I see fitting to the situation.”
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Y’all he JUST called and I read him a lot of what I wrote. He said that he will give me grace and acknowledges that this is difficult for all of us. We said that we love each other, and he’s flying in tomorrow, and I’m picking him up to take him to my mom.
I’m so glad that I talked to my bff and wrote this out just now as it really helped me focus on my specific issue and to not go off on tangents. Cc FTW, again!
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Nothing is ever black and white. She’s probably very sweet and a problem at the same time.
Nice if life came with a user manual. Updated regularly. With footnotes. And index. Diagrams. Malware updates.
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My mom is super-sweet, too. I agree with that. People who think that wouldn’t be wrong at all. But as a mom to me, she was hyper-critical and simply didn’t understand me, and I think she was afraid of my choices even when they weren’t out of the norm, such as getting an apartment when I graduated from college. She believed and told me that “A girl should go from her father’s house to her husband’s house.”
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lol - I have a hard time believing anyone has ever called my mom is sweet ! I phrased it wrong - this what she tells me her friends say. Maybe someone said it in jest after a few cocktails!
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One of my favorite Robin Williams quotes.
“They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons – because they installed them.”
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This is a very good point. Her fear, perceived criticism of you is really still wanting the best for you. Every parent wants that for their kids. It was never necessarily about you (and every teen is “all about ME” lol) but more about wanting the best for your future and safety. The fear may be totally unwarranted but parents are wired to protect kids.
Just as kids learn to trust their parents growing up, parents learn to trust the decisions of adult children. After all who has been around longer? But who is newer to the work force? Who has a home? Who is the one in current market with new rules? Argh. Don’t ever disregard advice given in good faith. On either side.
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Me too. My parents would have definitely described both my brother and I as prickly. In retrospect I was a combo of prickly and also having good boundaries, especially after the age of 40. The boundaries were an issue, especially for my dad. Not a lot of self awareness about their role in the relationship (alcoholism, verbal abuse, hyper critical and controlling, etc…)
Also not saying that is anyone’s issue on this thread, just sharing my experience.
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I’ve always told my kids that most of our decisions are rooted in fear. The key is figuring out of what we are afraid.
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And then communicating that fear to the other party.
And the real fear…do you not want kids to not move across country because it’s an awful choice financially, whatever? Or because you’d just miss them?
Pays to be honest.
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I am big on boundaries, and tried to teach my children it was not only ok to have boundaries but essential.
I remind myself (a LOT) that I don’t need to share every thought I have in every conversation. I have a decision tree I try to consult before I question/respond to anyone but specifically my children/spouse.
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
Am I the person who needs to say it?
I’d say 90% of the things I think about saying don’t pass that decision tree (low estimate, lol). I will say, I have never looked back and regretted not saying any of that 90%+ of thoughts/questions/advice.
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Yeah, as a 61yo I see that … now. She was literally afraid for me living not under her roof. She was afraid what me not moving home said about her and how it would look to others (she was first generation Hispanic woman). I was the first in my family to go to college, so I think she was afraid of the unknown and what more may be down the road in terms of my choices. Intellectually, it all makes sense now, but at 21 it looked and felt really different.
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Another version-
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said now?
Does it need to be said by me?
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Thread started with “talking on eggshells” which obviously registered with a ton of us.
So… gathered advice update?
Speak your mind or “smile and nod?”
My mother’s friends would say the same but my mother is a narcissist and the older she gets the more the mask slips. Privately, she was verbally and physically abusive towards me. She is beginning to alienate her friends now.
She has almost completely discarded me now in favor of my eldest daughter who is kindhearted and doesn’t challenge her. I say almost because she is very ill and needs my help right now. Previously, she would go years without speaking to me.
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For me, it’s highly dependent on the kid and the topic/situation.
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I think I am trending towards “smile and nod” but “get it off your chest by ranting in the car, alone” 
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And posting here!
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My oldest was an extremely prickly teen- I made her crazy & I am pretty low key about things. She was just having a tough time figuring herself out. Lucky for her, I took none of it personally.
In her early 20s she went through some bad stuff, emotionally, and moved home for about a year, we helped her (carefully) figure out the future and she has made a great life. Now she is an absolute delight, the best part is that she has such a sense of humor about the past. We are often joking about how bad she was as a teen & how great she is now.
Whereas at university she would barely text, now she shares her location (cuz she is single, so for general safety) & no, we never check, but she likes knowing it is there and it is just such a huge change. All to say there is hope 
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