There is in the Thumper household…but it depends which parent you are talking about. DD is certainly more prickly with me than with her dad, but that has always been the case. DS really isn’t prickly at all and never was.
This is a good article. My parents never respected boundaries and became very ugly at times, especially my mother. I often didn’t want to be around my Dad as he was so critical. I really like being around my kids, and I really believe they don’t mind being with us. I want to keep it that way. I’m becoming pretty good at not discussing their body, hair, etc. I do compliment if they look nice and they appreciate that. I just don’t want them NOT to come over because they’ll get criticism of some sort.
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@BunsenBurner and @kjofkw if your kids seem edgy and cranky during house hunting, I totally get it. I can’t imagine how frustrating it would be! I’ve been attempting to help a friend find something in the popular price range, and good grief. Insanely expensive out here. I’ve come to the conclusion that people need to either:
- Buy further out in the outskirts of the city than they’d prefer.
- Buy a house on a busy street or in a rougher neighborhood.
- Buy a serious fixer and put in the work to fix it up.
- Pay more money than they’re willing and able to.
- Buy a condo.
Personally, I’d go with option 3 and/or 4. Something has to give, and it just keeps getting worse. I can’t imagine how unbelievably frustrated I’d be!
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Hostels have become a popular choice for conference attendees in bigger cities. The hotel rates for conferences can be ridiculous for the little time you actually spend in them. And for non-profits, saving $ on lodging - still a good clean room with a nice bed and bathroom facilities (but no mints on the pillow 
) can allow more staff to attend.
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I think the Huffpost article is very good for adult kids who are fully launched and doing reasonably well. It is trickier in a situation where a kid is not doing well. A couple of kids I know got in way over their heads with credit card and/or on-line gambling debt. The parents had to step in to help the kid get back on track.
Or a kid that moved back home due to mental health challenges. Kid may be doing better, but not quite there yet. Trying to thread the needle between a necessary nudge/advice while assuming competence and unwanted interference is close to impossible.
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When my kids were little, I read an article that point out that you will likely know your children longer as adults than as children. Makes perfect sense now, but in the time of intense parenting responsibilities it was an interesting point to ponder.
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My mom’s MIL was like that, too. My mom was one of the sweetest people in the world, but for some reason my grandmother never really accepted her. That’s one reason I’ve vowed to be a good MIL! I think I have to be particularly careful since my new DIL is Syrian. Who knows what cultural differences I’m not even aware of!
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I would highly recommend taking a NAMI Family to Family class to anyone who has an adult child with mental health difficulties.
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Having just spent several days with all my kids I’m exhausted. One is very critical of how I treat her sibling. I feel like I can’t win. My spouse isn’t helpful in the situation at all.
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Oh, that’s a whole thing too – the siblings not managing their own relationship, or trying to “help” you be a parent. I have long said that I am not some middleman but admit that this past weekend I caved – we’ve spent time with our kids separately the past month, and both had criticisms of the other’s behavior that really boils down to “they are always too busy to talk” and I discreetly added in conversation that sometimes it is good to check ourselves and see if the messages we send out are what we intend – i.e., if you keep saying you are super busy, other people might mistakenly believe they are bothering you and stop reaching out with texts. Which is what they are doing to each other, and I don’t want to be in the middle. THey are grown ups, they’ll figure it out on their own.
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Don’t you sometimes feel like just smiling and never saying a word!?
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Oh, that’s what I do with our middle kid, my son in Poland. The last time he was here, he and I took a long car ride. He was going on and on and on about political crap. I just smiled and nodded, really not even paying attention to what he said. After awhile, he said, “Wow, Mom, I’m glad to see you’ve changed your views on some things!” I will never forget that, ha.
This is the kid whose psychiatrist told me that with him it was better to “Say nothing, do nothing.” He was in 11th grade then. So we pretty much just let him go.
I hope he’s grown up and does better with his new wife, but it’s not my problem!
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That’s hilarious!
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When we watch a movie and there’s drama in the family on screen I always turn to my husband and say. “It’s the mom’s fault. It’s always the mom’s fault. Doesn’t matter if she’s the best person in the world–it’ll be her fault.”
And it’s sort of nice (unfortunately) to find I’m probably not the only one who feels that way.
I don’t want to hold my tongue anymore. I mostly DO but if others are freely speaking about politics, or world events or where to go for a picnic, then I get to express my opinion too. And my opinion is just as valid as anyone else’s. And sorry, I’m your mom–if you think life wasn’t all roses with me then you need to remember that my life wasn’t all roses with you either.
It seems to me that much is written about parent-child relationships that discuss the inevitable conflicts of the child trying to become independent and become an adult.
What I’m missing is how do parents (especially moms, sorry dads) regain their own individual autonomy after the kids are out of the nest? I will ALWAYS be my kid’s mom and I want to be but I want/need to be seen by them as the whole person I am. They readily accept faults in their friends–now they need to acknowledge mine too and be more lenient with me. They never liked being judged–well, guess what? Neither do I.
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Well put!
The child I conflict with the most is the one who needs me the most at this stage of life. I wonder if there’s something to that. She needs her autonomy, but full-time work with a husband who travels for his job a lot and an infant is hard. So I can’t do things right, but she needs me to do them anyway, and being critical of me lets her still feel independent. We manage. It helps that I do think this is a phase.
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It sounds like that to me, and with my daughter. When things were rockiest after the wedding, I dug out bunch of wonderful cards she sent me, with lovely paragraphs written out, for Mother’s Day, Chanukah, my birthday, etc. They date from 10 years ago to five years ago. Gives me hope! But meanwhile I’m on the tightrope. A week or so ago, after a couple of drawn-out, unpleasant text conversations with her, I texted her that I was unwilling to have text convos, that I would use texts for information purposes only. I haven’t heard from her since. But I have to remember that life is long; we’ve gone through tough emotional times before, and it’s likely that this will change, sooner or later. Sooner, I hope! 
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Here’s how I view it in my very unexpert view.
Parent-child relationship is all about parent takes care of everything and child follows.
Parent-teen–conflicts because…just because independence of teen demands it. Mom can’t stand letting loose because lots of control for a good portion of life and that’s her JOB.
Parent-adult kid–in an ideal world that will never truly exist everything is hunky dory. All the little birdies are kicked out of the nest and living on their own. In the animal world they never meet again. Or like elephants they all stick together in one large community and if little elephant has problems it seeks out some other nearby relative if mom checks out…
And yet here we are. What should be parent-adult is really parent-sorta adult.
I won’t ever be someone not willing to help my kids. But they need to recognize that while my help is freely given out of love that it was at the same time not required at this point in life. They don’t get to disrespect me for a gift I give freely. Their reactions and expectations are not mine to worry over. They are responsible for their actions and emotions as the adults they proclaim to be. They are free to criticize my help all they want–and I’m free to withdraw my help too.
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I just said something like that to my bff this morning. I have conflicts with my siblings that are heightened as our mom lies on her death bed, and ds2 wants to be there for her passing. I love him and want him to be here, but what I don’t want is his gentle reprimands of me, that I should continue to be the bigger one because my sister is divorced and has no friends and my brother is a functional alcoholic whose wife is bitter and lashes out at everyone. He thinks I am more equipped to deal with all them, to be the bigger person. But I am a PERSON first, one who is tired of putting up with their BS and shouldn’t always be the one who yields and overlooks. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean that they should be allowed to walk all over you. I do partly fault myself, because I have shielded them from most of the dysfunction as I didn’t want my relationships with my family to color theirs. And they, in fact, have great relationships with everyone. They absolutely are beloved. But I need ds2, specifically, to give me the grace he wants me to give everyone else.
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@Youdon_tsay, I think you should copy/paste that comment and text it or say it to your son. Very specific.
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