<p>Have any of you had this experience? We had dinner with out of town friends the other night, and the boasting went on for the entire din about how incredibly accomplished their kids are. Their kids ARE accomplished, but just starting out in life. One’s 13, one’s 20. It sort of turned us off as we didn’t remember them being like this as much in the past. We’re proud of our kids and keep the bar high, but don’t have certain milestones in mind that they MUST achieve. (state championships, Ivy admittance, etc.) Are we hypersensitive or have any of you noticed this in people? I’m conflicted. I could almost understand it better if perhaps the parents hadn’t done well in life, and were so proud of their kids who’ve accomplished what they weren’t able to, but these parents have achieved success in their own right. I guess they just want it all to continue in the next generation. When they asked about our kids I felt sort of self conscious telling them what mine had been up to…sounded sort of mundane and lackluster in comparison! But then I kick myself for thinking I need to compete with all that because I realise, intellectually, that I don’t. It just sort of hit an emotional nerve in both H and I, I guess.</p>
<p>“MUST achieve” (poor kids) That is sad. At least they are “of town friends” and not next door.</p>
<p>We have a friend who we rarely see who is insufferable. I just let it roll off my back. But it’s one reason we rarely see him. Your friends live out of town, so you probably don’t have to put up with it too often. I agree that it’s weird though. The guy we know just asked us our son’s ranking because he wanted an excuse to tell us that his dd is 3rd in her class. This is the same guy who used to throw his infant son in the air in dangerous ways. Just looking for attention. It’s sad.</p>
<p>bores who also might be boors</p>
<p>sad; might have been nicer people when they were younger</p>
<p>since they are out of town, you don’t have to see them much</p>
<p>no surprise that it hit an emotional nerve: their self-centeredness was a message that you don’t really count, and nobody likes to hear that </p>
<p>good conversations go where both couples want them to go</p>
<p>good friends have discussions of topics of mutual interest</p>
<p>Kei</p>
<p>I may have been one of those boasting parents – until my son, identified as “profoundly gifted” proved to be an academic deadbeat. Friendships restored ;)</p>
<p>In our family there are 8 grandchildren (3 boys, 5 girls). Grandfather only talks proudly about 2 of the boys because they are the all-star super-star team-hero jocks. </p>
<p>He only attends games when those boys are playing. The other 6 kids never get to have Grandfather cheer for them. Among these 6 are a NM Commended Scholar and All-State percussionist (my kids). But that’s not good enough to deserve his congratulations. Only sports matter. One day I asked him if he knew the name of my kids’ HS or what instrument they play. Nope. </p>
<p>I would much rather have this kind of treatment from “friends” we could avoid. But when it comes from a GF, well…{{SIGH}}…Yes, it affects the relationship. :(</p>
<p>Another less than insightful insight…My H can really lay it on thick when it comes to my D. He really started doing this around two years ago when he lost his job. I think he looked to her achievements for his own personal validation. Maybe your friends feel a little less than wonderful about their own lives
*** Since then, I have encouraged DH in his artistic expression through photography and he also finds fulfillment in helping elderly neighbors through “meals on wheels.” He is not half as boorish as he used to be, but still needs the occasional “kick” from me from under the dining room table.</p>
<p>DB, (((hugs))) to you. I’m on the other end. My father brags unceasingly about my kids, much to my sister’s dismay. And, yes, it has hurt my relationship with my sister. I wish she’d take it out on my dad, however, rather than my kids. She’s so bitter she doesn’t buy them Christmas presents. :(</p>
<p>I went to a parent talk once about how to feel about a child when he/she is “achieving less than expected”. I thought, “At last I can relate!” Turned out that most parents wanted to talk about their kids getting second place in some swim race. I wanted to talk about my LD son who has Asperger’s. It was yet another boast-fest and I left so terribly depressed. </p>
<p>My SiL is like this too: at any family gathering, she only wanted to talk about her own kids: how smart and popular they were. How could I add anything to that, when my child next to me just watched a spinning a yarn go round and round?</p>
<p>I’ve learned to stay away from people like that. They’re terribly insecure and I don’t need them. They don’t know what it’s like.</p>
<p>I have a friend who was one of my mother’s (who has passed away)dearest friends.
This woman is also the mother of one of my best friends in h.s. I’m not in touch with the D any more but her mother still stays in contact. She was a Godsend in my mother’s last year of life and I will always love her for that.
However…she is non-stop talk about how great her grandchilden (same age as my kids) are. Whatever they do, they are the best at it. She is constantly telling me how other people think so highly of her grandchildren and are always commenting on what great young people they are and wished their kids could be just like them. They are just wonderful beyond belief…smart, thoughtful, hardworking. considerate, kind to all…ad nauseam.</p>
<p>I truly do care for this lady (she’s in her 70’s) but know that ever phone call I receive from her will be the latest accolades heaped on her grandchildren.<br>
Then she’ll ask…what are your boys up to? Then acts surprised that my kids aren’t as great as her three grandchildren. It really does get old.</p>
<p>that’s the thing, PackMom, these people are very kind about our kids and always ask how they are, but we can’t possibly “match” their idea of “success” and I start to feel awkward. They weren’t like that even two years ago when they lived here. I don’t know what happenned to the couple we used to be so close to! I always soft pedal my kids’ accomplishments (when they have them) because I know how the recipient of all that talk feels! When something does come out people say, “WOW!! Why didn’t you tell us?” I just shrug. Who cares about my kids? Really, just us!</p>
<p>dke, you are kind to say THEY are being kind by asking how your kids are. In the instance of my former neighbor, it is simply a way to redirect the conversation back to him and best whatever we have to say. His daugther is third in her class; yippee! Good bet that our ds wouldn’t be no. 1 or 2, so he’s safe in bringing that up. Both of our kids have been accepted to the same state uni so he couldn’t feel to superior there. But, really, we rarely see him anymore so I don’t care; it’s harmless and makes him feel good.</p>
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<p>Yes, I’ve lived that one. My nephew really was quite athletic as a toddler and pre-schooler (esp compared to my own Aspie son whose childhood attempts to hit a ball with a bat could go viral if posted on You Tube). The only worthy topic of conversation with grandpa was grandson’s athletic ability. When we told him Son had tested into the gifted program, we might as well have told him it rained…but boy, did my 5 year old nephew ever score a lot of goals in his soccer game! Interestingly, the athletic prowess waned, mostly because nephew did not grow to be very large…not as much to talk about anymore (but grandpa still couldn’t name where my son is in college or what his major is.)</p>
<p>A discrepancy between the accomplishments of your children and your friend’s children can cause problems whether you brag or not. My son went to MIT (as did my friend’s father)–her son suffers from ADHD and depression and has yet to graduate (the two boys are the same age). Just saying my son graduated made me feel guilty, and every time I say my kids are happy and healthy I feel bad. It feels like I’m lying if I don’t mention two of the most important people in my life.</p>
<p>Here’s a contrary story - </p>
<p>Boy graduated first in his high school class with top honors in math, physics AND english. Was top physics student at a prestigious & exclusive university honors physics program, now doing PhD with two Nobel Prize winners. His sister was straight A-student and a nationally-ranked athlete, recruited to Princeton where she graduated with top honors. Both kids very, very physically attractive - both approached by modeling agents while still children. The girl, twice. (I am not making this up by the way.)</p>
<p>Their parents NEVER, EVER bragged. </p>
<p>You wanted to hate these people. You just couldn’t. They were too damn nice.</p>
<p>When I was younger, it bugged me that my mom NEVER bragged about what I did. I used to think she wasn’t proud or something like that (especially when all the other moms seemed to go on and on), but now that I am older and a mom, I totally get it. It is such a turn off to listen to braggarts. We have aunts, uncles, cousins etc. that do this non stop (also the grandparents, but don’t get me started on them.) </p>
<p>I don’t really have any friends like this, because I tend to run from that kind of stuff (of course I’m stuck with the relatives). I really make an effort to be supportive of everyone’s concerns with their children, especially those with LDs. I listen and try to be supportive of the parents’ concerns, and I try really hard not to pry. I am not a “pumper” and I really do not want to ask about GPAs SATs class ranks etc. I want to be happy wherever the child is attending college. Everyone is valuable in their own way.</p>
<p>I also had a mom who never bragged about me. In fact, she never complimented us even in private. Nothing was ever good enough. I was determined to go the opposite direction with my kids, and it just is hard sometimes to find a balance. I’m sure I’ve gone too far many times and come off as bragging when I was just enthusiastic.</p>
<p>But it seems like there might be other reasons at play sometimes.</p>
<p>First, it is natural to talk about what consumes you - your time, your money, your mental effort. We all know people who talk too much about their work (my H!), or their religion, or their health, or whatever. When it consumes me, it’s hard to remember that everyone else isn’t as fascinated by it as I am.</p>
<p>Second, people trying to re-connect after some time away might think the best way to do that is to share what’s been happening. If this defines “normal” for their family, it might not seem like bragging to them, just updating. </p>
<p>Third, most of us have something we’re proud of. Maybe these parents of super geniuses are trying to counter your “star quarterback” conversations, or your “new top-of-the-line gizmo”, or whatever else they feel challenged by. I’m not saying the OP did this - just that it can happen. In my community, it is okay to talk about scoring the winning touchdown. They even put it in the newspaper for you to pass out at the office next day! But if a kid wins a debate, or makes all state band, or some such, you’re bragging if you mention it.</p>
<p>And lastly, common interests are what define friendships. If you have no interest in these folks, their kids, or their conversations, they might not necessarily be bores (or boors), but simply not friends anymore because you have different interests and needs.</p>
<p>For some people, it could be sharing their excitement, kind of a “look, look, despite my earlier parently screw ups, my kid did okay” I try to view braggarts as insecure and wanting affirmation, this gives me patience. </p>
<p>I know when my kids have made exciting achievements, it is weird for me to not live in the town where they grew up. I don’t want to brag to any one, but I would like to share it with some one who watched them grew up! Some one who can understand how far they have come. For example an athlete who has been through the ups and downs of small town sports politics and then makes it big, awesome, especially when you can share that with other parents who dealt with the same small town politics.</p>
<p>On the med school apps, I have been grateful to share the journey with Curm. No one where I live now really knows my DD, she’s been away at university, so sharing the news would be bragging or if not of little interest. They could not share with me, yet I also felt odd about calling old friends who knew her way back when. They cannot understand the intensity of the med school apps and appreciate what it means and I don’t want to be seen as bragging. Thank God for CC buddies who understand the satisfaction felt at successfully completing the complex application process at any level- UG or grad school. Really CC buddies are almost the only ones who can both understand the arduous process and appreciate the journey AND not think you are bragging!</p>
<p>By the same token, my in laws do nothing but brag about my kids, I know it must annoy the aunt & uncle, luckily their kids are 5 or more years behind so it is not direct competition, but it is a lot to live up to. My in laws also brag to their friends, but I have been to their friend group and that’s what all the grandparents do- brag to each other, so I guess that is okay :D</p>
<p>In my side of the family we try to encourage all the cousins to be their best and support what a great extended family we have if every one is doing well, not prove one set of kids is better than another.</p>
<p>On the other hand, I do have friends who have dealt with kids flunking out, kids arrested, kids on drugs, DUIs, pregnancy, etc. I can understand why they bring those issues up to a much smaller group; when their kid gets their act together, they don’t want every one remembering the stupid stuff!</p>
<p>I use the “best defense is a good offense” strategy. I try to “keep up” with what is going on with my friends kids and congratulate them first before they get a chance to bring it up. I know this won’t work for everyone, but I think sometimes people just like knowing that someone notices their kids.</p>
<p>This thread makes me wonder if all the self esteem building done for children today has perhaps impacted expectations of parents for their children. I mean, think about when you were little and you played on a team or participated in an organization. We got certificates and maybe ribbons. Today’s kids have grown up getting trophies for <em>everything</em>, just for participating.</p>
<p>Not only do I wonder how kids learn to win and lose gracefully today or how they learn that they’re not always going to be on top but I also wonder if this esteem building has caused parents to expect more of their children feeding that competitive need for bragging.</p>
<p>As a college senior, DD says that one of the most significant events in her academic history was when she won our regional science fair as a freshman in high school which allowed her to go to the international science fair. Most of our kids are used to be being a big fish in a small pond, rising to the top in most of what they do. At the international science fair, she saw amazingly brilliant and talented young people her age and it was the first eye-opener for her (and for us as her parents) that there are many kids out there with equal or greater talents.</p>
<p>I think this is partly why some kids are so disappointed when they don’t get that dream school because all their lives they’ve been the big fish and had that constantly reinforced.</p>
<p>Just a thought.</p>