<p>It used to make me crazy that my parents could talk of nothing but my niece and nephew’s great accomplishments around me and my kids. I felt like they never noticed my kids’ successes. Then one day my brother mentioned that my kids’ activities and awards are all my parents ever talk about around him! We got a good laugh, figure it is their reserved midwestern streak that means they can’t compliment anyone face to face. But behind our backs (and our kids backs) they are saying good things. My brother and I agreed to pass some of those commments on to each other and to our kids. So now if my dad says something nice about my D to my brother, my brother will pass on the compliment next time he sees D. And I do the same for his son. The kids are surprised, but very pleased to hear that their grandparents really do value their accomplishments!</p>
<p>I try and compliment my kids on things that I admire ( which are many), but I am not good at it.</p>
<p>I don’t see most parents bragging constantly about their kids but when I do it seems a case of trying to convince themselves they are good parents/didn’t completely mess up their kids, so I hope I am tolerant, although I probably show that I am bored.</p>
<p>I wish I did keep better track, my daughters even left out some of their accomplishments when they applied to colleges & when the familal depression sets in, it is helpful to have a sense of where things went well for a reminder.</p>
<p>But many of my friends value different things in their kids than I do- for instance I didn’t think it was necessary for my daughters to date/or have a serious boy/girl friend in high school ( although I did not forbid or discourage it), but some of my friends find extolling the virtues of the boyfriend as satisfying as those of their own kids.
( which could be where the sense of loss comes from when they break up)</p>
<p>Yes, I have a few friends and family members who do this. I may be guilty of this at times and I make a very conscientious effort to stop myself.</p>
<p>I’m a pre-emptive congratulator, too. My friend (wonderful person) is a serious bragger and sometimes it bugs me a bit, but when her son was first in his class (it was posted), I made a huge fuss next time I saw him. He deserved a fuss. He’s a great kid and it’s a super accomplishment.</p>
<p>I had a large falling out with my sister over something similar. When my D, who is five years younger, got into her first choice college, I was excited and really talked it up. I thought my sister wouuld be equally happy for her niece, but I was wrong. Turns out her D had bad results with grad school exams and they saw it as rubbing in her face. I didn’t even know the results of those exams, but they believed I was insensitive. Whatever.</p>
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<p>That the boasting went on for the entire dinner is the key. In my mind it’s not so much about whether it is OK to brag about your kids or not because it is hard not to talk about something that is so personally involving. It’s that talking about this one topic for a whole dinner is obviously boring for the other people who have to listen to you.</p>
<p>The good thing is that when something like this happens it can be a reminder for you to not do the same thing yourself.</p>
<p>I don’t mind at all hearing about some cool award, or excitement over some recent interesting news about someone’s kid (and parents can get excited and have a right to be proud so what the heck). Likewise I do have a few close friends who I can both whine to and brag about my kids because we are so close and we equally share both the ups and downs back and forth about our imperfect children and we each know where the other is coming from. </p>
<p>But there is this couple who is so over the top its really not fun anymore to be with them. I’m talking about spending HOURS listing their kid’s latest accomplishments every time we see them. I feel like saying “we know already! get over it!” It isn’t that they are boring or narrow in their conversation, its the bragging that gets on my nerves. I know if they were going on the same way about a singular but non-bragging topic I wouldn’t mind the same way (e.g. if they were spending the evening talking about their sick mother or worries about their child or the house they are building). </p>
<p>I really don’t get it because these folks used to be otherwise pretty normal, socially speaking. They have no need to be insecure and are otherwise pretty humble. But I thought it was obvious to everyone that it’s rude to boast to others; that basic social manners suggested you make other people feel good about themselves, rather than go on and on about things that make oneself look good.</p>
<p>Now I will say their kids really are so amazing that I find myself telling OTHER friends about how accomplished they are! Maybe these parents are just so surprised and excited themselves they can’t help it? Their kids are like the ones that not only win the regional championship in their sport, but the top academic award each year for the whole grade every grade, and the citizenship award in their city, and most remarkable, every time they walk into a new activity (these kids DO EVERYTHING), they walk out with a trophy on the first try (almost by accident). It is sort of humorous how outrageously talented they are.</p>
<p>But I will also admit, anonymously, that their behavior brings out the pathetic side of myself. I think the kids are adorable and charming, but I secretly try to note any clues of shortcomings (at least I don’t say them out loud!). What’s worse is I found my daughter doing the same thing the other day, saying that she didn’t think they had any friends (I think it might be true, and that is sad, but what is sadder is that we stoop to schadenfreud!!! What is wrong with us!). </p>
<p>And I also find myself pointing out to them my kids one-upmanship success if I have one. I am proud of my kids but only with them I actually want to say it out loud and see their reaction. It is a rare opportunity that shows up, given their kids are hard to outshine, but it is so juvenile that I do this. It isn’t very nice.</p>
<p>My mother has a friend who does nothing but brag about her brilliant and successful children and grandchildren. My mom is a fairly quiet person and is often caught off guard and can’t remember her own grandchildren’s accomplishments in the moment. One time she had dinner plans with this woman and called me so that she could write down and memorize the awards that my children had won before the dinner. I laugh when I picture this conversation and in my imagination my mom forgets the awards and pulls the slip of paper from her purse, puts her reading glasses on and recites the list.</p>
<p>I have learned to deal with these people by saying something that implies that “well, you have me there. Your child is clearly superior to mine.” I make a joke out of it but they get my drift and it takes the wind out of their sails rather quickly.</p>
<p>the other night I had the pleasure of visiting with my best friend ( who still lives in my hometown ) we have the kind of friendship that can go without an actual face to face meeting, and even a regular phone chat and still never skip a beat.
Together, we bragged about our kids, who are actually very alike
A perfect match !</p>
<p>I do have a person in my life ( more acquaintance than friend ) whose kids worked for us…wonderful, bright, accomplished kids with a lot going for them…she always bragged about them, and she had reason to brag, but when my oldest got into her first choice college, not one word of congratulations…just criticism…
At the time it really ****ed me off, but I have come to realize that all three of her kids have chosen to live very far from her…even her husband works in another state :)</p>
<p>Well, with regard to excessive bragging, I think we have let grandparents off the hook…</p>
<p>My good friend’s first-born is the exact same age as my own. They were in class together for many years. Both were academically talented. Hers kept going, right into CC nirvana. The whole enchilada (a CC parent’s dream come true). Mine was stronger on the front end - top of the class. As time went on, not so much. Still doing fine, but loves to stop and smell the roses (frequently). How did our friendship fare? Just fine. Neither one of us has ever bragged. I am thrilled for her kid. She is always extremely interested in mine. </p>
<p>When people brag, it is an aggressive, anti-social thing to do. It comes not only from insecurity, but also a negative inclination towards the other person. When someone brags to me, I assume more often than not that they are not truly my friend, nor do they have the best of intentions towards me. Best to avoid that sort of person. Also, while some on here have copped to being possible former braggers, I wonder if they ever really were. I think most of us have a clear gut feel when were are hearing from someone who is genuinely excited about what their kid is doing, versus someone who is having an aggressive moment. When you get that “yuck” feeling, that is when the other person is on some level just being mean.</p>
<p>These are really interesting insights. I’m still trying to figure out a common thread, though. Insecurity? I’m not sure. This couple has the Ivy husband and wife who got into X but went to State due to lack of money. I think that’s where this comes from for her because literally she mentions it every time, like “I’m not dumb, really!” sort of thing. Her husband though is all around accomplished. Top of the hill (except looks) in every way. Maybe a shrink could pinpoint it. I’m not the most secure person in the world but I would NEVER brag, but then again I was absolutely brought up with MAJOR emphasis on humility. My parents didn’t brag about us, EVER. (and roundly criticised those who did)</p>
<p>I think there’s some kind of biological carryover from all those years we spent evolving out of primate troops with rigid hierarchical structures. 
People like to be on top! Sounds silly, but really - it explains why so many folks just can’t help themselves when it comes to bragging about their vacations, new cars, jewelry …oh, and kids. </p>
<p>I have extensive experience in being bragged to by “friends,” who occasionally become former friends when it just gets too uncomfortable. Or else by acquaintances who join the list of people I avoid at the grocery store.</p>
<p>I remembered this anecdote yesterday, and I’ve just gotta write it down. My ds attended a high-end ballet studio. Several students have gone on to successful careers in dance, though none are household names (because really, how many dancers are?). Arguably the most successful is a young woman who trained at the studio until her mid-teens, and was then accepted at the top professional ballet school in the country, eventually becoming a company apprentice. Today she is a corps member in a prestigious European company. As ballet careers go, this kid has made it big. Her mom is justifiably proud. And then some.</p>
<p>Mom always felt her d didn’t receive her due when she was at the local studio. She got good roles, but the studio director never lavished her with praise (she never lavishes anyone with praise). And the d didn’t receive the studio’s annual scholarship award, a big deal around here because the director actually makes a nice speech about the recipient at the annual performance and mounts a picture of the honoree on a wall at the studio. </p>
<p>Mom and d always make a big deal of revisiting the studio for the d to take class when she’s on vacation. The Mom brags unmercifully, in the most preening and condescending way you can imagine. Her need to prove her d’s superiority is - ridiculous. Her kid has made it! She is so much more fortunate than thousands of talented dancers who would love to be in her position. Why isn’t that enough for this mother? Why is it so necessary for her to rub her kid’s success in every nearby nose?</p>
<p>One day, I was the only person in the studio lobby when the mom came in. She made a huge show of inspecting the pictures of the honored dancers, shaking her head, tsk-tsking, and even chortling. Finally she turned to me and said, with barely suppressed laughter, “Isn’t it ironic that Esmerelda never got this award? None of these girls will ever get as far as she has!” </p>
<p>And because I’m such a wimp, I didn’t slug her.</p>
<p>Not justifying your friend, but it is very painful to watch your child get ignored. Look around on CC. I just read a thread about a soccer player getting zero playing time. I’ve read threads about high achieving students getting passed over for academic awards. I’ve complained myself about my D sitting in the back of the violin section. We all have to deal with our kids hurting in private, while putting on a brave face in public. Us moms often carry that hurt deeper than our kids do. (If I could remember the name of the coach who benched my oldest in kiddie baseball, I’d still snubb him in public! 
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<p>This lady is still caught up in the “I told you so” mentality. Since her D was never acknowledged, it’s possibly that she thinks people still don’t get it. I wonder what would happen if you could just affirm her - if you can do it in a non-sarcastic way. Or, if you aren’t afraid of making her mad, you could suggest - kindly - that she sounds bitter when she criticizes these girls and you hope she can get past it someday, seeing as how her daughter has obviously risen above it.</p>
<p>Sound like my dinner the other day. Friends went on talking about their kids for the whole night. I didn’t say anything about mine. My children haven’t done anything big deal. Well, decent kids are big deal but then we all have decent kids, don’t we? For all the boasting, they just revealed that their kids are not that accomplished. I am sure they’ll have their shocking moments in the not too distant future. I wish we won’t have another dinner together!</p>
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<p>So true. I have been there and just a little acknowledgment sometimes would be nice. My kids go to a school which claims to honor all students successes, but in reality makes a very big deal over a handful of kids while ignoring the accomplishments of many others. It’s very painful to see your child work very hard and accomplish something and then be ignored. Sometimes you just want someone to know. This is why I make apoint of saying something to parents first (as per my previous post).</p>
<p>I"m more and more convinced that almost all these things go back to Freud’s erroneous and disastrous assumption that parents are the root of everything…</p>
<p>The mother is to blame if things go wrong, therefore, the mother is to blame if things go right. I’ve got the feeling that people frequently mix up thier own accomplishments with things thier kids do, simply because we’ve got this culture which assumes parents have much more to do with this than they really do. FWIW</p>
<p>Sort of sad, really. I mean you are having dinner with two other adults and the primary conversation the entire evening is your children? Goodness, my husband and I rather enjoy getting together with adults and NOT talking about “the kids”.</p>
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OOOOPS! Sorry not to have made this clear - this dancer received lead parts and as much stroking as any other advanced-level student when she was at my ds’ studio. (I believe the director praises sparingly because, in her mind, technique can always be better, and she’s not doing her dancers any favors by allowing them to think otherwise.) The teacher did not unfairly ignore this student. Why would she? The dancer was younger than most of the honorees when she left, and that may have been one reason she never received the scholarship. Another might have been the sneering attitude about the studio’s training expressed early and often by this mom-daughter pair - “Well, it’s the best around here, but it just can’t compare to the School of American Ballet.” (No kiddin’. Though it was good enough to allow the kid to get into a top school.)</p>
<p>Believe me, the mom bristled any time another student received a good role, was chosen to demonstrate a combination, or received a rare compliment. She would stand at the teeny window into the studio and report to the other moms in the room that her d was head and shoulders above everyone else - “Really, no one else can compare!” in tones of wonder. I’m sure of the quote because it became something of a catchphrase. And yes, her d is a wonderful dancer! But the mom gets no sympathy from me. She behaved about as badly as it’s possible to, in an arena where many moms don’t mind behaving badly! :D</p>
<p>^^that is too funny, I can picture the parent…a stage mom!</p>
<p>incessantly bragging is impolite. and it’s really bad when the bragging is exaggerated. </p>
<p>but in some company it’s just awkward to say anything when your kid really is a super star. You feel embarrassed to say anything because the achievements are just so over-the-top.</p>