<p>My daughter graduated earlier this year and moved across the country for her first “real” job. She came home for Christmas a few days ago. Yesterday someone jokingly picked up her hand, checking for a ring. I said, “For goodness sake, they’ve only been dating for two months.” She replied, “It’s been THREE months, not two.”
Hmmm . . . </p>
<p>Later, she told me about the expensive gifts he had given her for Christmas. Hmmm . . . </p>
<p>A while later she told me how important it is to her for me to like him. I told her that I can’t like him or not like him because I haven’t even met him. She said,“I know. That’s why he really wants to meet you.” She also told me that he was willing to book a flight to our house so that they could spend Christmas together. Hmmm . . .</p>
<p>I feel like this is all moving pretty fast. I know it is her life and not mine but, as her mother, I am concerned. I don’t want to alienate my daughter. Maybe it’s better to say nothing?</p>
<p>Step away from the daughter and say nothing. If you’ve raised her right and trust her to trust her own instincts, everything will be fine.</p>
<p>Maybe you could say something harmless like, “Wow! That’s fast!” to indicate how quickly you think the relationship is moving. But try to do it in a joking tone so you don’t get her angry.</p>
<p>THIS: “Step away from the daughter and say nothing. If you’ve raised her right and trust her to trust her own instincts, everything will be fine.”</p>
<p>She’s an adult who is supporting herself and has managed to get through college-unless she’s never dated anyone ever, chances are she’s had enough interaction with the opposite sex to know how to navigate this relationship. Unless you have indications that this guy is bad news, leave it alone. We have to let our kids fly the nest-in ALL respects-and that includes sometimes making mistakes.</p>
<p>I don’t think 3 months is a short period of time if two people really like each other. It sounds like your D and her BF have very strong attraction for each other. I would respect her feeling and not trivialize it - like him as much she likes him. </p>
<p>I think you mean New Year, not Christmas. I would have him over for New Year because most young couples like to spend New Year eve together. I certainly would want to meet anyone my kid has been dating for 3 months. She is showing you a lot of respect by asking you in person and wanting to introduce her BF to you.</p>
<p>When I was a child, my parents were friends with another couple. They were an odd couple in some ways. She was super outgoing. He was very, very quiet. Yet, even as a child, I knew they really loved one another. They were married for about 45 years when he died. She was truly devastated. </p>
<p>They knew each other 3 days when they wed. It was during World War II. He was an army officer. She was a nurse. He was being sent overseas. They both say they knew this was the “real deal.” Yes, it was a different era. Still, they both said that when they met the other, they just “knew.” Both had been involved in serious relationships before. When I was a teenager she told me that she knew when the last one broke up, just what it was that she needed. Then she met John…and she knew he was what he needed. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t want my kid to MARRY someone that quickly. But assuming an engagement of at least 6 months, I think getting engaged after knowing someone 4 months would be fine.</p>
<p>No, oldfort, I meant Christmas. She was telling me how he wished they could spend Christmas together and he would’ve been ok with not spending Christmas with his family. He was willing to fly out to spend Christmas with her and our family. I think that’s a bit much. Just my opinion, of course, but I didn’t say anything. </p>
<p>Sseamom, I’m not trying to interfere. I’m trying to choose my words carefully so that I am not lying, but not saying anything to get her upset or angry.</p>
<p>It is strange that he was so willing to give up spending time with his family. In that case, I would have told my kid that Christmas was a special time for our family, but I would love to meet him soon. I know D1 met her BF’s mother for the first time over Skype. He flew down (when we lived south of border) over their Oct break to meet us. It was after they started dating for 4 months, but they planned it after 3 months.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like your D is a responsible person, got through college, is living on her own, and has found someone she likes and that is great. The fact that the kid is willing to fly long distance to come and meet your family is impressive, it means he a)has resources and b)thinks it is important to get to know your family, which knowing young men, means something, they aren’t going to spend that kind of money to go meet some gal’s parents unless they are serious:). I met my now wife in school 30 years ago, and we were seriously dating in 3 months, we lived together after college then got married, so it could be she found the one. </p>
<p>I also suspect based on what I know of young people today that they won’t be rushing to get married. If they get engaged, it can be a long one, and people forget the purpose of being engaged, it is kind of a trial period of committing before the wedding, it isn’t just the waiting period to get the right caterer, band, etc, etc…</p>
<p>I think the real question here about the young man coming to meet you is can you handle it? Can you give him a fair shot? The person who is going to ‘take away’ your child is always problematic (when my future mother in law met me, she told my wife she wanted to beat me up, because she knew I was the person that was going to ‘take her away’…). If you need time to digest what is going on and accept that she has grown up and is making her own decisions, then tell your daughter you would like to meet him but want some time so you can be fair to him when you do meet, that it is too soon right now. It is okay to admit you are processing this, that it is more about you then him, by the time kids graduate college they kind of figure out parents can struggle at times that the kid that they changed diapers for and sang to and the like, is now old enough to be doing that themselves with their own kids…:).</p>
<p>I think there is plenty of ground between interfering, being insincere and saying “nothing”. It sounds like your daughter is bringing him up frequently and could value discussion with you. I wouldn’t make big statements, but “adult to adult” comments may have a place. Things like “He sounds special- what do you enjoy most about him?” Just getting to know how she is thinking about him and showing interest could be helpful to all. Good luck!</p>
<p>I am probably only a year or so older than your D. I started dating my boyfriend a few months after graduating college, and we were quite close at 3 months… we were practically inseparable in that time and had gotten to know each other really well. Of course, we weren’t planning on getting married just then, but we were really enjoying the relationship and we were excited about it-- it doesn’t sound to me like there’s any indication that the situation is any different for your D. I understand your concern but I would try not to overreact until you have something concrete to form a reaction to. It’s a year later and now we really are talking about marriage and it would be a real bummer if I didn’t feel like I could discuss this with my mother.</p>
<p>As my daughter often reminds me, “I have been living on my own, and I am doing fine.” For me, this is in response to things like, “Make sure you get renter’s insurance for your new place” … but it can apply to everything, including relationships. Your D is your child, but she is not a “child.” I am willing to bet she has a good head on her shoulders & will make the right choices.</p>
<p>As an aside, I am so surprised to hear from my D and from friends that many young people today spend the holidays with their significant other’s family rather than their own. We spent holidays with our own families throughout our 5 years of dating - our first Christmas together was the year we were married. My D’s roommate has been dating her boyfriend 3 months & went to MN to his parents’ house instead of to her family in KY. D thought that was odd, but to each her own … maybe the roommate’s family get-togethers are better skipped … who knows.</p>
<p>“It is strange that he was so willing to give up spending time with his family.”</p>
<p>Not always. My ex’s grandmother died ON Christmas, and the family never really got into the holiday after that. He grew up going camping or skiiing on Christmas and didn’t always go home for the holidays once he left for college. My sister did host a Christmas dinenr yesterday, but didn’t do gifts or a big family get together because her Ds are going on a tropical vacation instead in a month. My S almost didn’t make it home at all since he worked well into the night on the 24th-had he lived out of town, there was no way he could have made it here in time. Also, the BF might not come from a close family, or maybe they don’t even celebrate Christmas. I had a college BF who wasn’t Christian and he really enjoyed coming to my house, helping with the tree, the presents and of course, eating all that food!</p>
<p>There are all sorts of reasons someone might be willing to spend Christmas with a GF or BF. We don’t all do holidays in the exact same way.</p>
<p>As a dad of a daughter … and who still has absurd thoughts about wishing no men would speak to my 22 year old … I get the human reaction of thinking 3 months is fast. That said any real relationship I’ve had by 3 months we were pretty far down the path … my guess is that it may feel real fast since it has been out of site and you have not seen the relationship progress.</p>
<p>In addition, I have to admit some of my potential partner concerns as dad of my daughter are different than for my sons. A young man who wants to meet my daughter’s parents, be with her over the holidays, and is willing to give up time to meet us and be with her is a problem why? The alternative is better? … he doesn’t want to meet us, doesn’t mind missing holidays with my daughter, and won’t give up time with his family to be with hers … this is better? </p>
<p>For my kids I hope they find someone kind and fun with whom they can partner with and share their lives … it sounds like your daughter might have found such a person … it would be great if she has!</p>
<p>I would be happy that he was willing to meet the family. I would much rather know who my kids are dating than not know.
Once you meet him, you may find out he is wonderful.
I agree with the keeping my mouth shut, to a point. I have told my kids that if I saw any potential problems, I would not be quiet. By this I mean something like abuse or addiction. I trust their judgment, but if I witnessed their significant other being rude to them or others, I would say something. Beyond that, I have little to say about who they love, but I know I would very much want to meet that person. The fact that this boyfriend wants to meet you is a plus.</p>
<p>How about just having a conversation with your daughter where you ask her to tell you all about him? Just listen as she may have a great deal to say to you about him.
And then why not ask her to plan a time when she can her boyfriend can fly out for a visit?</p>
<p>One thing I do advocate for, regardless of the length of engagement, is for couples to discuss the “hard stuff” like finances, having children, religion, careers and child care preferences, and so on. I’m not Catholic but I’ve always thought the required pre-marriage counseling they do is a good idea. I know some young couples in love might tend to overlook these things, only to have it come up later. I know this is jumping the gun here- first he has to visit, but if they do get engaged, hopefully they will work the hard stuff out before the wedding. Of course not every couple is willing to do this, nor does it prevent all problems, but it is a good sign to see a couple have the maturity to discuss these things up front.</p>
<p>“There are all sorts of reasons someone might be willing to spend Christmas with a GF or BF. We don’t all do holidays in the exact same way.”</p>
<p>This is true, Sseamom. In our family, Christmas is a very important FAMILY holiday. To be willing to go to someone else’s Christmas celebration is foreign to us. Even when my daughter had a serious bf in college, they were not together on Christmas day, and he lived less than an hour away from us. They were talking about a future together, but his family had the same feelings about Christmas. Not saying that one is right or wrong, it just is.</p>