<p>I would like to take some lessons. My kids wouldn’t do anything they don’t want to.</p>
<p>Long talk with my daughter last night. They are talking about a future together. I guess my instincts were on target.</p>
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<p>Mine don’t either. But I’ve seen MANY parents play their adult children like puppets. GUILT can be a powerful tool. Some have quite an arsenal of control/manipulation tactics.</p>
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<p>That would worry me as well, though it would have absolutely no bearing on my desire to meet a young man whom my daughter was dating, serious or no.</p>
<p>I found an article which quotes a University of Texas Ph.D who for 15 years has studied the relationship between length of courtship and marriage success:</p>
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<p>Interesting observations about couples who marry quickly:</p>
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<p>You have to scroll down to the very end to find this article.</p>
<p>[Divorce</a> Facts Successful Divorce Planning For Men. Divorce Blog.](<a href=“http://www.secretdivorce.com/successful-divorce-planning-for-men/category/divorce-facts/]Divorce”>http://www.secretdivorce.com/successful-divorce-planning-for-men/category/divorce-facts/)</p>
<p>SportsMama, time will tell. In any case, since they feel serious about one another, it is all the more reason to see just who the young man is that your D feels so strongly about. Is he her age or older? Also, if they are talking about a future together, it still doesn’t yet imply a rush to get married but only a hope to do so eventually.</p>
<p>Talking about a future together isn’t the same thing as eloping in Vegas. Talking about the future could mean “let’s get engaged on our one-year anniversary, have at least a year-long engagement, and then set a wedding date as soon as we have saved up a downpayment for our future house.”</p>
<p>Now, if they were checking flights to Vegas, I would be freaking out.</p>
<p>Sportsmama- it’s wonderful that your D is including you in the converstion. One important thing in your post is that she told you it would mean a lot to her if you liked this man. This means she wants you to be part of her life and their life together if it works out. It also means they are talking about the future and what they would like together.
I’m glad to see people having these conversations. So much of our culture is about looks. People fall in love and then find themselves arguing about finances, child rearing and whatever. Better they talk about the future first.
Another phenomenon that concerns me is people dating for what seems like forever without ever considering a comitment. Well, if that is both people’s choices, then that is their choice, but in many cases it is uneven- with one wanting a comitment and the other one not. In this case, someone is possibly waiting for the other one to come around instead of finding someone who wants to commit. That can be heartbreaking. How nice that these two are on the same page about their future.
This guy could be up front, family minded, and, if he has the money to buy gifts and a plane ticket- employed. These are all plusses in a potential spouse. Now is the time to listen to your daugher, to learn more about him, and also her. What does she see in him? What makes him special? How does he treat her? Is he a kind person? This may feel too soon for you but if they are having serious, honest conversations and a sensible engagment time to explore this, then it may not be too fast. People can be together a long time and not really talk.
Now is the time to also learn about your daughter. Is she happy or is she anxious? Does she feel he is rushing her? Is she rushing it? Has she turned to this relationship because she is far from home and feeling alone- or is she secure and feels comfortable in her new surroundings.
Meeting him and seeing them together will also give you clues to how she feels. Is the comfortable with him? Is this a healthy relationship? If so, she will feel good about it. If not, there is not much you can do, but you can help her be in touch with her feelings about it. Mostly, she needs to know that you are there for her no matter what.
Now is the time to discover “red flags” and “deal breakers”. These could be things like alcoholism, drug addiction, a criminal record. Most likely your daughter has good judgment and would not make this a choice. Other deal breakers might be if one wants children and the other one does not, or conflicting career goals, or something like this that may cause serious issues. Now is the time for the couple to talk about these things as they discuss a possible future together. The great news is that your daughter is inviting you into this stage of her life.
She sees the best in this guy. What he looks like, how old he is, what he does for a living- these are sensitive topics that are not your choice to make. Now if it turns out that he is 99, and they are going to move to Siberia, you may have some questions, but in general, try to listen to your daughter. If she loves this man, there is a very high chance that you will love him too. He may be your son in law one day, and this could be a very exciting chapter of your life.
As parents, we don’t get to pick who they love, but we do remain potential role models and teachers about healthy relationships. Ultimately, IMHO, what they need most from us is unconditional love and acceptance.</p>
<p>SportsMama - you know your daughter. I very much believe in mother’s instinct. If they are talking about a future together, as in few years from now, my antenna wouldn’t go up. But if they are talking about getting married in the next few months then I would find out why the urgency. </p>
<p>I don’t think just because the guy is willing to fly cross country or buying expensive gift means he is financially stable. I have a very close relative who would go into debt to shower his new girlfriends with expensive dinners and gifts to impress.</p>
<p>If you think your kid is serious about this guy, I would meet him sooner rather than later. On the other hand, unless you feel your kid will actually take your input, I am not sure what you could do about it. </p>
<p>D1 has a very demanding job now. She works very long hours. She plans to get married someday when she has a bit more control with her schedule. We’ve also talked about making sure her SO is settled with his own career before they make future plans together. </p>
<p>Encourage your D to discuss children, money, career, religion with her BF before they make any plans.</p>
<p>I’m glad we were able to talk about things before she left to go back to her new home. Suzievt and Zoosermom, I think their plans are along the lines that you mention–talking about the future, thinking about where they want to live, etc. She didn’t want to go into too many details. so I didn’t push. I tried to be a listener and make very few comments. (My tongue hurts from biting it so much. 
) </p>
<p>I am still concerned because of some other things she shared with me (that I don’t want to go into). I don’t think she is ready to be in a serious relationship, but because of circumstances, she is. I will try to remain a good listener. The only thing I really said to her was, “Please take it slow.”</p>
<p>Ok, let me just ask if anyone else has this problem . . . </p>
<p>Sometimes, I prefer not to meet new SOs because I get attached. Then I become quite sad when they’re gone.</p>
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I wouldn’t worry about that so much, then. Isn’t that a little bit of dreaming and hoping and wishing? I think we all do that and it’s not necessarily indicative of anything.</p>
<p>If you are concerned about something that you have not shared here, then trust your instincts. You also know your child. Keep listening, and be supportive.</p>
<p>Yes, the person who gives expensive gifts would make me curious. Will this person drive his family into debt, or is he trying to snow her? Or is he simply financially stable and being generous? Are the gifts inappropriate or tasteful? You can actually learn a lot about a person by how he/she handles money no matter what the income. Are they honest, genrous and frugal, spendthrifts, misers, dishonest? </p>
<p>Keep your ears open and hopefully this will turn out for the best no matter what.</p>
<p>Oldfort, my daughter has a very demanding schedule, too, which may be a blessing. </p>
<p>Her bf has a good job, so I assume he can afford the gifts he gave her for Christmas. He is a year or so older than she is. She said he is willing to move if/when she gets relocated for her job. This all sounds great. He may be a great guy. That’s not the issue.</p>
<p>“Isn’t that a little bit of dreaming and hoping and wishing? I think we all do that and it’s not necessarily indicative of anything.”</p>
<p>Ooh. I like this thought. I’m hanging onto it. 
Thank you.</p>
<p>This was impossibly stupid of me, but somehow I thought being the parent of a young adult would be the EASY part of parenthood. Did anyone else think that? </p>
<p>Because you are now (if you are lucky) a sometimes-confidant and on-request advisor; mostly you DO have to bite your tongue and repeat mentally ‘it’s her life, it’s her life’—but that can be so hard, because you still love your kids so much! But their decisions are now theirs. It’s hard not to worry sometimes. Serenity prayer is my go-to, but still, you worry, especially if you think they might be heading down the wrong path. All you can do is watch, and be there if they come to you. It’s so hard.</p>
<p>SportsMama, you sound like a great mom.</p>
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<p>OK–I’ll bite. What is the issue? That your daughter might elope some time soon? If not that, when she comes to you wanting to discuss a wedding, isn’t that enough lead time to broach the “why so fast” issue?</p>
<p>07Dad, see the second half of post 189.</p>
<p>It’s hard, I know. I have a friend whose daughter was suicidal. Lots of counseling, lots of support, and then she meets someone and is head over heels way too fast, and the whole thing sets off all of the alarms. And mom smiled and made nice, just encouaging her DD to go to extra counseling, go with mom to help mom with counseling, and her face hurt from the attempt and her tongue was raw. But it was still the optimal way for her to go. There really was not good way. It was the least harmful. And, yes, it did not go well and became another crisis, just as the parents feared it would be, but they gave it their best, which is all we can do in life.</p>
<p>Paperplane, you made me laugh! Yes, I thought this would be the easy part.</p>
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<p>[Martin</a> Rossman, M.D.: ‘Good’ Worry: How Worrying Well Can Help You Manage Stress](<a href=“HuffPost - Breaking News, U.S. and World News | HuffPost”>'Good' Worry: How Worrying Well Can Help You Manage Stress | HuffPost Life)</p>
<p>From what I’ve read, your daughter is running her own life for better or worse. Hopefully you have someone you can confide in IRL about the undisclosed details so that you are not worrying about something you cannot solve…</p>