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<p>My SIL has this problem, and honestly it bugs me to no end, because she’ll act as though breakups were hard on HER. It’s kind of cloying.</p>
<p>Thanks for the information, 07Dad. I do worry too much and I know it. :/</p>
<p>I didn’t mean it to sound like there are serious problems that I’ve not disclosed. There aren’t. There are details, however, that give me an insight as to possible reasons she may be moving, what I consider to be, rather quickly in this relationship. </p>
<p>I realize I need to quit worrying, be ready to listen, and say the Serenity prayer. In all truthfulness, I am hoping that Zoosermom’s words are what’s happening:</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t worry about that so much, then. Isn’t that a little bit of dreaming and hoping and wishing? I think we all do that and it’s not necessarily indicative of anything.”</p>
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Ha! Yeah. Good luck with that. If you find a way for a mom to quit worrying, you will be the next Steve Jobs. I bet if you look underneath the worry, you’re also considering the fact that your little girl is a grown, educated, employed, competent woman who might be considering the step of marriage in the future. Which is a way of making a relationship that is at least as important as her relationship with you. What you need to do is pat yourself on the back. Take a victory lap. Bask in the glory of having raised such a fine woman because you’ve earned it.</p>
<p>Mantra Parent to child:</p>
<p>I love you. I care about you. I am here for you.</p>
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<p>I keep reading this. And to a large degree, I think for parents who are plugged in, involved, and close to their children, this is true with regard to so many respects. But I also know that we don’t always know what’s the best path to take since none of us can see the future, and we all make parenting mistakes. Sometimes we do get it wrong. I don’t know that a parent can really know whether or not a person is the right one for their child as a life partner, absent overt problems like addiction, abuse, controlling behavior. I mean, how many MANY times have I read posts here from people who are happily married for decades who say their MIL hated them from day one? That mother also would probably have insisted that “she knew her child” and therefore knew better. </p>
<p>Not directed at anyone in particular, just thinking out loud. So far we have not faced this issue yet, so it’s anyone’s guess how I’d handle it if it happened. I do know that I would jump at the chance to meet anyone my Ds are dating-I cannot think of any good reason why I would not want to do that. But as someone who dated a guy for six years, then another one for 4 years, and finally for 3.5 years before becoming engaged, I would probably be a little anxious if it seemed that they were moving “too fast,” all these wonderful success stories mentioned in this thread notwithstanding.</p>
<p>No, I don’t think being a parent gets any easier as they grow older. Sigh.</p>
<p>“Isn’t that a little bit of dreaming and hoping and wishing? I think we all do that and it’s not necessarily indicative of anything.”</p>
<p>I think it’s actually an excellent way to see if the person you’re with is even a long-term prospect, never mind a possible mate. Talking about the future and learning that one person wants kids and the other doesn’t for example, can define the entire relationship and where it will go. That doesn’t mean that the two people having the conversation are planning ANYTHING beyond a dinner date a few weeks down the road.</p>
<p>I met my H in August and we were engaged in February, were talking about marriage by November. Of course, we were older, had lived quite a bit of life by then, and knew what we wanted. It was in “talking about the future” that we both learned that we’d found “the one”. Had H given certain answers to certain questions, it would have been a lot better to know early and decide to either split up or just have fun with no thought to a future. It was important that he accept my older kids without reservations, for example. For him, it was important that I not have issues with his family structure and history.</p>
<p>I think the OP’s D is doing things just right-from talking openly to mom about it all, to exploring possible futures with the guy. I wish them all luck.</p>
<p>The fact that OP’s D told her about her bf so early indicates OP must have done something right in her parenting.</p>
<p>I know an extreme case in a dysfunctional family: in a Christmas gathering, a son brought a woman and a baby with him. He told his parents: this is your DIL and this is your grandson. This was the first time the parents learned about it.</p>
<p>i dont personally think saying she sees a future together indicates a fast time line. my S1 met my DIL 2nd year of college… i will never forget the phone call i got the FIRST day he met her…so full of excitement, every detail of what she looked like, what she said, (not something he had ever done before) somehow he knew she was the one… but they didnt get married for 7 years.</p>
<p>Even with life threatening issues in the picture, once your child is an adult, there isn’t any prescribed ideal path to take when your child is doing fool hardy things that could be damaging, as long as they are not illegal, and sometimes even if they are. My advice is to get professional help for yourself. Perhaps a counselor can come up with some good suggestions when you can give a clear picture of the situation. You can’t do much for others, but you can for yourself and learn as much as you can as to what the best thing for YOU to do is. mamapundit</p>
<p>I am being a bit contrary today…but why does OP need counseling? She is reacting like a parent, in a perfectly normal way. We worry about our kids all the time. Does it mean every time we worry we should go see a counselor? I thought that’s what we do.</p>
<p>I think the OP is overacting and jumping the gun but I don’t think she’s even in the ballpark of needing professional help. It’s amazing to me how often posters jump so quickly to meds or professional help for perfectly ordinary problems.</p>
<p>I think most moms worry to some extent, and that the OP is being honest. Something’s not feeling right to her, and she wants to check it out.
It’s strange that we spend years preparing and being concerned about college admissions, and yet, if someone makes the wrong choice- one can always transfer. By contrast, young people choose a life partner with little preparation, and this is so much harder to undo.
Mom needs to know more about the situation to feel comfortable with it, or to decide if there is something that is not right and be supportive to her child. As parents we know that marriage can also be difficult sometimes. We want our kids to make the best choice possible- knowing it is their choice to make. However, we have some experience to share- if it is welcomed.</p>
<p>This is a brand new situation that is progressed a bit faster then the OPs comfort zone. It sounds to me like she’s simply trying to process a lot of emotions. That’s a far cry from obsessing about something to the point that it interferes with her daily life and would need counseling to resolve. From what she’s shared her DD is open with her about the relationship and wants to share her excitement. This indicates a close, healthy relationship with her DD. It also sounds like the OP is doing a good job of listening and biting her tongue when necessary. This will serve to keep the lines of communication open with her DD. Nobody asked me, but it all sounds perfectly normal to me. No need to run to the psychiatrist couch. Now, if you start tracking her whereabouts via her cellphone to see how often she’s at his place, or you run a background check on the bf, we might be moving into some awkward territory. ;)</p>
<p>Oldfort wins the prize for the best response:</p>
<p>The worst time to have “relationship” discussion is when kids are in a relationship because then it would just be too personal. I started to brain wash my kids while they were young, so now they think they are making their own decisions.</p>
<p>It might be hard but she is an adult now so she makes her own decisions. I know why is hard for you since you don’t know him so what I suggest is for you to be neutral about your feelings towards him. It would actually be a good idea to meet him personally and if you can meet he’s family too.</p>
<p>Thanks, guys. This is new to me and I just needed to work through things (and will continue to work through things). I appreciate having this forum to be able to do that.</p>
<p>I love that my daughter feels that she can talk to me. She even said last night that she shares much more with me than her friends do with their parents. I know I will blow that if I don’t listen more than I talk. Oh my gosh, is that ever hard!!! (I would insert a frustrated face here, if I knew how to do it.)</p>
<p>Pennylane, you called it when you said that we <em>know</em> that it is our kids’ choice to make–but <em>we</em> have the benefit of experience. It’s challenging to know when we should share that and when we should be quiet.</p>
<p>Mom2college, I agree with you! I think Oldfort gives some good advice. It applies to everything, really. Plan ahead! My daughter and I already talked about some wedding issues several years ago , when there was no wedding in the near future.</p>
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<p>It seems you answered your own question.</p>
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<p>Probably made tongue in cheek, and admittedly out of context, but it got me thinking about how many parents actually do this. It’s not hard to see how adult children can remain easily manipulated by their parents. It happens all the time. There are a lot of people who grow up and continue to stress out over upsetting their parents to the point of causing problems with their own families, and the holidays seem to bring this out in spades. Trying to keep it all “fair” at the Holidays can be immensely stressful.</p>
<p>“The major problem with worry is that it can easily degrade from a problem-solving function into a bad habit, through which we obsess about what we don’t want to have happen.”</p>
<p>" I love you. I care about you. I am here for you."</p>
<p>Trying to remember this. Thanks, 07Dad.</p>