<p>But how exclusive is it, if the daughter brought friends who were unable to fly home and would otherwise be lonely? So I’m not getting the distinction that friends are ok, but boyfriends/girlfriends cross some kind of line.</p>
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<p>My best friend is one of 7 and her holidays are always those 50-people-in-the-house type of thing. It is my experience that those from larger families are MORE of the “eh, what’s one more seat at the table” than smaller families like my own.</p>
<p>We’re in the opposite camp. 50 is more than both sides of my family combined, including spouses and new kids. Christmas was generally just me and my parents and whatever stray friends might have been there. My mom doesn’t like cooking for so few though so we’ve always welcomed more. My dad always has a few kids over that he’s coached or is coaching who wouldn’t otherwise have a Christmas meal. Because we are such a small family, we’d never even think of turning anyone away.</p>
<p>Throughout this discussion, I keep going back to Christmas day, when my SIL brought her SO to our gathering. She hasn’t known him long and has been a single parent most of her adult life. He gave her “expensive” presents-jewelry, which she wore to dinner.</p>
<p>SIl shouldn’t even be here-she nearly died of a heart attack 2 years ago and still has health problems. When she started feeling badly the other day, her SO got her some water, put his coat around her, then walked her down the hall so that she could lay down. He “ignored” us while he sat with her. </p>
<p>You know what? If they break up tomorrow, I will always be struck by the care and concern with which he treated my SIL. Sure, we could have said “family only”-we don’t have a large home and it was tight in there. But instead my SIL got to spend the day with someone who cares for her NOW, and you never know, NOW might be all she has. Isn’t that better? The irony is that this guy isn’t even Christian, and he STILL wanted to celebrate with us.</p>
<p>OP, thank you for answering my question regarding if you would be willing to meet your D’s boyfriend at this juncture if he lived closer. To me, your answer of “yes” says a lot. I would not let the sticking point be that he has to fly to visit, even if it does mean staying overnight. It just happens to be the situation due to where the kids live, and nothing more. I mean my D is visiting her BF’s family and has stayed the week due to distance. </p>
<p>As I wrote earlier, I don’t know that you can gauge the “seriousness” of the relationship based on what you shared, such as the fact that the BF is willing to meet her parents, especially when you say you’d be willing to do the same if he lived closer by. While there is no rush to meet you, I would agree…the fact is that they are interested in having you do so, and that would be reason enough in my book. It would not imply “seriousness” or anything else but that my D wanted me to see who she was dating for the time being. Nothing you mentioned implied “more” or marriage to me in any of your posts. That’s why I would say to take an interest in whatever your D initiates such as her sharing about him to you or mentioning she’d like to have him come visit and so on. No need to think too far ahead at this point.</p>
<p>Just a note from personal experience…when my D dates, I never think too far ahead or if she may marry the guy. I am happy for her in each relationship for the present. And she is still young (24). I am aware that anyone she dates at this age could be an eventual husband. It is hard for me to imagine sometimes as she seems so young, but then again, I married at 20! In fact, a shock to my system was learning this week that one of this D’s best friends from growing up in our home town just got engaged…the first of one of her same age contemporaries to do so. But D and her BF have been in a relationship for over three years and it is possible someday they will be married, who knows. But my feeling is if it does go that way (and I rarely contemplate this far ahead), I think his family was very wise to have invited my D several times, as well as seen her when they are in NYC where the kids live, supported her shows (she is a performer as is her BF) and likewise, I am so glad I have seen my D’s BF on each visit to the city because IF they ever got hitched, I’d be glad that I knew the guy pretty well before the point of marriage and same that his family knew and already embraced my D and didn’t first meet her when it became “official.” My D knows BF’s family is very fond of her (siblings included) and likewise, my D’s BF should know how well we think of him and he also has spent time with my other daughter too. If they never marry, it doesn’t matter. But if they ever do, better that everyone already established a connection ahead of time. By the way, my husband did not meet my parents until after we got engaged.</p>
<p>Every family has their own dynamic and unspoken rules. It is for OP to set her own boundary and there is nothing wrong with it. Her D should know her mother well enough to gauge what’s appropriate or not. FWIW, I mentioned this to H, he thought the new BF was being a bit pushy and it’s strange to want to fly cross country to meet GF’s parents on Christmas.</p>
<p>Sure, and everyone’s entitled to set their own unspoken rules. I think that some are pointing out that the more rigid those rules, the more that it may ultimately drive a child away in the long term.</p>
<p>It’s also up to the daughter to not accept these unspoken rules and set her own rules and boundaries, since she is an adult. If the mom would rather have the rules, that’s up to her.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I would be pretty offended if my family didn’t welcome my significat other at holidays. I believe holidays are not a time to spend apart for people in a serious relationship (at least I wouldn’t want to do that).</p>
<p>oldfort–didn’t your D1’s bf start planning to meet you and your H who where then living “south of the border” after “only” 3 months of dating (and made the trip outside the US on a college break the next month)?</p>
<p>What’s the difference that makes it pushy/strange in OP’s case?</p>
<p>In my family, our girls always introduced their new BF to us right away to. If we have lived closer, we would have met the new BF before 3 months. D1 and her BF have been going out for 2+ years, but they still spend holidays with their own families. Coming down to our place for 3 days over a school break is different than spending a major holiday with my family, unless there is something else going with BF’s family. Again, this is my family.</p>
<p>Maybe this is the only time he has off to come and meet the parents.</p>
<p>It’s funny how different families are. To me, going along for the holidays when everyone is traveling and convening anyway would be a more low key way to meet the family than making a special big long trip JUST to meet the family, which would be one motivation for going. I don’t think I would be willing to fly out /just/ to meet someones parents unless the relationship was REALLY serious, but I have only ever dated locally so maybe I’d feel differently if it really happened. </p>
<p>But like I kind of got at before, I just wouldn’t know if a BF’s family had these kind of strict family-only traditions unless they told me, as my own traditions are so different. I would hope nobody would be offended or think I am pushy for simply being interested in going. There is a difference between being interested in going and trying to sneak into someones suitcase or being pressuring about it…</p>
<p>I wonder if Joseph and Mary thought the shepherds were pushy to show up at the stable? Imagine – intruding on a family only event.</p>
<p>Wouldn’t you ask your SO before you show up? I would hope your SO would know what is appropriate and expected for his/her family.</p>
<p>I guess I just don’t understand why people need to be judgmental about what other families do. If you think the more the merrier, great! But not everyone feels the same.</p>
<p>I don’t think the more the merrier! I personally hate people! LOL.</p>
<p>But I think the point is - the daughter is <em>asking</em> to have the boyfriend meet the family. If any “exception” should be made, it’s for this kind of thing. I can’t think of any way where “oh, no, we don’t want to meet him” isn’t going to have negative repercussions somewhere down the line.</p>
<p>I think it’s important not to over-analyze motives here. I know that to me, flying cross-country is a huge deal, even when it was to take the children to see MIL. That comes from never flying until I was over 18 and having to save up months for a ticket, let alone four. DH, on the other hand, spent much more time as a young adult with a good salary and no student debt to pay off, so he flew places for the weekend for fun, even by himself to go to the beach for a weekend. Even though we are a couple for many years, and both dealing with the same kids, we would have very different “gut feelings” about the SO who wanted to fly to see us. Ditto for Christmas - I would react that he must think D is very special to want to be with her at this important time of year. DH would think that it’s not the best time to travel, everything is crowded and delayed (very little importance on the actual holiday other than what it means to me).</p>
<p>OP, my point is that you are concerned about your D, which is normal. But be careful that your concern isn’t making a little sweet moment into a huge messy … I don’t know, monolith? mountain? Durn, that could have been a great sentence! </p>
<p>Seriously, don’t turn everything upside down looking for the problems. If problems come, plenty of time to deal with them at that time. You being worried isn’t going to make them any less serious or protect her from getting hurt - but it could make you miserable and possibly even get between you and your D. In the meantime, enjoy that your D wants you involved.</p>
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<p>Well yes, of course, but it isn’t as though the boyfriend showed up invited, so what makes you think he was being pushy just because he said he wanted to come? I feel like you’re the one being judgmental.</p>
<p>I have definitely been having some involuntary chuckles reading this thread. I do believe that most of the parents with hard-and-fast rules about how to observe the holidays have yet to meet their first son- or daughter-in-law, not to mention said person’s own birth family, or that person’s children. (Or if they have met that person, they don’t know it yet.) Those folks rearrange holiday plans, like it or not.</p>
<p>Put a different way – How many of you, fellow parents, still invariably celebrate the holidays with your own parents and siblings, in your parents’ home? Thought so.</p>
<p>And yes, marriage does make a difference, and a boyfriend is not a son-in-law. But you never know when the music is going to stop, and today’s boyfriend turns into your grandchildren’s father, with a vote on how your daughter and grandchildren spend their holidays. Personally, my default plan is to make them feel welcome and comfortable.</p>
<p>This wasn’t that big an issue for me. My family is Jewish, and we never celebrated Christmas, so my parents and siblings never really expected me to spend it with them. Thanksgiving was another thing, however, and we visited my parents almost every year until (and sometimes even after) my wife and kids revolted and insisted on spending at least some Thanksgivings at our house. Most of my Christmases were spent at my mother-in-law’s, because we wanted our kids to be with their cousins, and one set of cousins had to split the day with their dad, and that couldn’t be accommodated at anyone else’s house. Now, however, everyone (almost) comes to my house, because we have custody of the mother-in-law, who can no longer travel. But we don’t get a full turn-out from the kids. One nephew owns a seasonal business in a ski resort, and he doesn’t have a day off from December 20 to January 3. A niece is currently on a 5-month rock-climbing/yoga walkabout with her boyfriend of five years; she was nice enough to Skype us on Christmas, and the boyfriend friended us on Facebook so we could see the photos he had taken so far. Another niece was with her fiance’s family, which she seems to have joined definitively, in part because they live a few miles from her, while her mother, father, uncles, and aunts are 2,000+ miles away.</p>
<p>Anyway, my point is that I had one normal for Christmas for about 25 years, then another normal for the next 25, and now a quite different normal for the past 5 or so, but it’s fairly unstable.</p>
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For 30 years at my parents’ home with my 3 siblings and their kids.</p>
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My H thought the BF was being pushy. He would have said no, but H wouldn’t have cared what other parents did.</p>
<p>“For 30 years at my parents’ home with my 3 siblings and their kids.” Are the spouses invited, or do they have to go to THEIR parents’ homes? What about spouses’ families? Is there some reason why none of you or your siblings go to THEIR homes on Christmas? </p>
<p>The problem with “one true way” ways of doing things is that when they change out of necessity, due to divorce, death, unalterable moves or trips, is that people can’t adjust, or feelings get hurt. I’d rather be able to be flexible and inclusive. It makes life much more pleasant than worrying about who is pushy or breaking the rules.</p>