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<p>Yes! When you leave out the issues of how long there was between boyfriends and how soon is it to visit BF/GF’s parents, the bottom and important line here is that the D is openly sharing about her life and relationships with her parents and anything they can do to keep that line open is the best. The alternative is NOT good.</p>
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Just because someone doesn’t agree, and voices an opinion that doesn’t match yours, does not mean we don’t understand what you are saying or ‘get’ it. Speaking only for myself, I simply feel your DD is a grown woman and the issue of what constitutes a long term relationship is up to her and the person she is dating. I also feel nothing is ever lost by meeting people who are important in our kids lives, be they friends, bfs/gfs, rms, whatever the relationship. I am honored that my kids are reaching adulthood and still want to bring home people important to them and share time with us. It’s something I always enjoyed when they were younger and helped me understand their life outside our home. As adults they are not obligated to do so. That they enjoy US as parents and bring gfs and and other friends to our home is very enjoyable and I would never, ever pass up an opportunity to meet and spend time with someone important in their lives. I wouldn’t stop a moment to determine if the relationship was worthy of our home and my attention. If it is to my son and that’s all I need to know.</p>
<p>^^Exactly how I feel. I don’t think a parent needs to wait until such time they learn the level of seriousness or potential marriage of their kids and their BF or GFs. What harm is there in meeting who they are spending time with in their lives right now? They want to share it and it seems like it can only be positive. Do you only want to meet who they plan to marry or who they have dated at least a year or something? If they are willing to share openly, what is the problem? It can only be beneficial to know these SOs and to know about our kids’ lives and that they want to openly share it with you rather than hide it or keep quiet about it.</p>
<p>OP, keep in mind that you asked what to say or do in this situation and while we each must do what we are comfortable doing, you did have some question about this and might glean something from the perspectives of other parents of young adults who mostly seem to be leaning one way about this. Isn’t that worth examining since you asked for “advice?” Or did you just want us to agree?</p>
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<p>No one is asking you to go to someone else’s Christmas celebration, though – they’re asking you to open your home to one other person, who means a lot to a person you love dearly. </p>
<p>I remember all too well the early-marriage trauma of do we do this with your side, my side, how do we avoid hurting everyone’s feelings, and in hindsight, when we all matured and realized that these are just days – we all did a lot better. This year, we wound up doing Thanksgiving with my side and then had a brunch over the weekend with my husband’s side. In years past, we all would have been caught up in keeping score and hurt feelings and this-isn’t-fair – especially because we lived near H’s parents for all of our married life and my parents were far away, but we all collectively grew up, learned something along the way, and what’s important is that we got to spend time with everyone over a long weekend, and whether it happened on Thursday over turkey or on Saturday over eggs isn’t really the point of the endeavor, at all. I realize Christmas isn’t Thanksgiving, but still.</p>
<p>“I simply feel your DD is a grown woman and the issue of what constitutes a long term relationship is up to her and the person she is dating.”</p>
<p>^^^
Exactly. It’s her choice, and unless she is asking your opinion on the speed of her relationship, she doesn’t want it. However, if you keep making her uncomfortable (by not meeting her significat other or trying to tell her she is moving too fast), it will have an effect on your relationship.</p>
<p>I think there is such a thing as too much involvement. She is an adult.</p>
<p>As for some people saying Christmas is a ‘family’ holiday, that’s fine, but that’s your choice. Your child and their significant other may want to spend it together. No one is taking anyone ‘away’ from their families. Again, these are adults making their own choices. And if you don’t welcome the significant other, they may well choose to celebrate with the set of parents that do, and I wouldn’t blame them.</p>
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<p>Accommodations. Inclusive rather than exclusive. Flexible rather that fixed and ridgid. The kind of solution that leads to an experience that you look forward to rather than dread and/or do out of a sense of obligation.</p>
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<p>Zoosermom, I have every confidence that someday you will be the type of mother-in-law who is cherished by her son’s wife. If we’re both still here on CC by then, you can let me know if I’m right. 
Thank you for the kind words on the gift thread. We are thrilled.</p>
<p>I will absolutely tell you with certainty, when kids find relationships with SO’s and begin spending holidays together as a couple (married or not) they will try to do this equitably between families. However they will absolutely gravitate to the family that puts the least amount of pressure, where the door is open to everyone, where they get the least amount of flack for showing up when they can, dressed as they can, everyone just happy to see them. Where they walk through the door and feel a collective weight lifted off their shoulder thinking "thank goodness we are here and can finally relax. The home were there is a myriad of demands and stipulations, they may indeed meet these dutifully each year, but the collective sigh will be when they leave. </p>
<p>Winter religious celebrations, whichever you observer, are significant family holidays to all families. Some families are just very willing to include all friends and family members during this time of year. It’s a matter of being inclusive vs exclusive.</p>
<p>Pizzagirl, that is horrid that your SIL’s IL’s would not include her mother! I can’t even imagine. My mother is single, and my brother lives overseas leaving me essentially an only child for holidays. Any holiday we spend with my SIL or IL’s there is ALWAYS an invitation to my mother, down to my niece and nephews birthdays. She’s invited to everything! My father and his wife would be included as well but they live several states away.</p>
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<p>Thank you. I may joke about it, but I do think I learned from my late MIL what not to do. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t give up my baby without a fight, but I will welcome a woman or man of good intentions who loves my prince almost as much as I do. In fact, now that he is in a single-sex school, I am scouting out potential prom dates three years early!</p>
<p>I couldn’t be happier for you! What a lucky, lucky baby. I can totally imagine you being the grandmother taking the grandkids on fabulous outings and always having a supportive ear.</p>
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<p>I find this an interesting theory about how “some” young men are. My BF meets that description perfectly and it was not something I had ever seen before. He was 27 when we started dating. Prior to meeting me his longest relationship was less than a year as a freshman in high school, and he had never been in love. He hadn’t dated at all in years and spent all his time playing video games and refusing to give girls the time of day–it sounds like most of his relationships ended because he wouldn’t put the games down long enough to pay attention to the girls he was in a relationship with. Then somebody flipped a switch somewhere apparently and now he is Mr. Wonderful, morphing into husband material right before my eyes. He says he just wasn’t ready until now. I am glad he woke up when he did, we are so alike he is like my twin. Perfect timing.</p>
<p>I think we are arguing about two different things here, the apparently contentious fact that the OP didn’t want to share Christmas and the way she said this (which is a moot point now and it doesn’t sound like D was planning to invite him anyway, she just said boy was willing), and the fact that OP is concerned that she is moving too fast. Concerned, but saying repeatedly that she is trying not to say anything negative. I am not sure why that’s such a big deal. I’m 23 years old and my mom worries when I cross the street, that’s what parents do, as long as she’s not harassing me what difference does it make? OP said she’d be willing to meet him this summer, which isn’t that far off or that unreasonable if a flight is involved and D didn’t want him to come to christmas anyway and hasn’t asked OP to fly out sooner so far as I am aware… What’s the big deal?</p>
<p>OP, I am curious if the BF didn’t live so far away, if you’d be willing to have him over to meet him at this juncture.</p>
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<p>It doesn’t, and obviously family feels free to bring whoever they want (D brought friends who couldn’t fly home). People just asked why you would limit a holiday to just family. The reason I gave was to avoid bad feelings/memories if the relationships didn’t become long term/permanent. Or perhaps to become the family laughingstock until some other relative tops a girlfriend with butt crack jewelry (hasn’t happened yet). </p>
<p>Fifty, however, is pretty intimate. H’s mom was the oldest of 9. Nine sibs, spouses, kids, and now kids spouses and children. We can get t0 50 pretty easily.</p>
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<p>But I’m not getting why a holiday would be any different, why you’d be any sadder that Cousin Ernie’s girlfriend didn’t work out if you met her at Christmas compared to the family barbecue. Either you’re sad for Cousin Ernie’s romantic misfortune or not. Or why it makes any difference to laugh at Cousin Ralph’s bimbo if you met her at Christmas compared to the family barbecue. Can you help me understand the distinction.</p>
<p>EDIT: I see that you added that D brought friends who couldn’t fly home. I still don’t see the distinction. I’ve been to holiday gatherings where my college-age nieces brought friends who couldn’t fly home. What difference does it make if they wind up being lifelong friends, versus just casual friends? I guess I’m not getting the distinction why it’s so awful if someone spends Christmas with your family and doesn’t become “part of” the family.</p>
<p>“OP, I am curious if the BF didn’t live so far away, if you’d be willing to have him over to meet him at this juncture.”</p>
<p>Yes.</p>
<p>But Ordinary-even if people get MARRIED, you don’t know if there will ever/never be bad feeling or memories. People get divorced, people have fights and split up temporarily. If the real reason is to avoid “bad memories” then you really should never ever have anyone who is not related by birth at these gatherings (and even then, maybe not since parents and kids can have falling outs). You never know who will or won’t be comfortable with everyone else for whatever reason. I think you’re just making excuses to have your holidays be exclusionary-and that’s your right. I certainly wouldn’t want to be an SO in your family because it seems like there’s a pretty high barrier to scale.</p>
<p>OP-we live in a work with travel between countries is common. If you’re willing to meet the SO if he lives nearby, you should be willing to meet him even though he lives far away. To a lot of people, hopping on a place is no different (and maybe shorter( than taking a long car trip.</p>
<p>So the significance, or sticking point, is the perceived effort the bf is willing to go to visit your DD and meet her parents? Driving is okay but flying is not? Or staying for an afternoon is okay but visiting overnight is not?</p>
<p>edit to add: Crossed posts with sseamom. I totally agree that to many people hopping on a plane is no different then getting in the car for a couple of hours.</p>
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<p>If the real reason is to avoid “bad memories,” then you shouldn’t have your family there in the first place. Ba-dump bump! </p>
<p>Frankly, the existence of some stranger doesn’t REMOTELY have the power to “cause bad memories” as family members whom I actually care about do, if controversial topics or old fights are brought up. Funny stories, sure. But bad memories?? So we can never meet Cousin Ernie’s girlfriend because they MIGHT break up down the line? Well, Aunt Peggy and Uncle Jack might break up too. I’m really not getting something here, so please help me.</p>
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<p>The perceived effort indicates that the boy takes your daughter seriously, which is a good thing (assuming you have no other reason to think he’s a jerk, which it doesn’t sound like you do).</p>
<p>"If the real reason is to avoid “bad memories,” then you shouldn’t have your family there in the first place. Ba-dump bump! "</p>
<p>LOL! Exactly! And this: “Frankly, the existence of some stranger doesn’t REMOTELY have the power to “cause bad memories” as family members whom I actually care about do,” Exactly too. It’s the people we care about who can hurt us the most.</p>
<p>I still think it’s about keeping it exclusive, as exclusive as 50+ people can be…</p>
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<p>This is KEY for me. It would break my heart if my Ds decided down the road that I was creating an environment which proceeded to send them straight into the bosom of their SO’s family. I’m totally agreeable to sharing holidays, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve seen families where over time it evolves that the adult child eventually gravitates almost exclusively to the other family and any time spent with their own is hasty and dreaded.</p>