<p>SportsMama - I would say, “I love you, and if you love him, I know we will, too. We look forward to meeting him.” We are happy when our S or D want us to meet someone they are dating. D wanted us to meet current BF after they had been dating about a month. D went to his hometown for a weekend after they had been dating about two months. I think he might be ‘the one’. :D</p>
<p>Sounds like your D is excited! If she has a history of being a fairly responsible person, I don’t see any reason not to be excited with her and for her. Trust her judgment as an adult and be happy for her and eager to meet the guy whenever feels right for him. There’s no way to know what his familial situation is like. It would have been no big deal for my husband (then BF) to spend Christmas with me and a few days later with his Mom. Every family is different.</p>
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<p>Well, I started my story but didn’t tell the rest of it. I am almost 24. I dated someone from winter semester freshman year of college until the August after graduation. We talked very seriously about marriage but I always had that nagging feeling that we weren’t right for each other and I ended it. I started playing around with online dating sites just for something to do, I was trying not to mope, and by October was dating my current BF-- thinking we’d take it slow and it wouldn’t be anything serious, I was trying to do all the right things. He came to Christmas that year to meet the extended family and everybody loved him and kept saying they’d never seen me so happy… grandma even cried. He’d met my parents a few times by then since he’d had to pick me up at the house.</p>
<p>Fast forward. By the end of January, at that point we’d been together not quite four months, we moved in together. We might not have taken things so fast but commuting to see each other was becoming really difficult for me, I was practically living out of my car, and since I was just living with my parents I had nothing to lose, I wasn’t giving up an apartment or anything and could always just go back if I had to. I hadn’t even really intended to move in for sure yet but one day I was visiting and we decided it wasn’t time to go home yet, and then I never did. On our one year anniversary we moved into a house and we’re starting to plan our wedding. At this point we’ve been together over a year and have lived together for a year. My parents, who trust me are probably some of the most judgmental parents around when it comes to relationships, could not be more supportive. They know him really well and we’re an amazing couple. There are challenges as in any relationship but our lives have melded together seamlessly.</p>
<p>I don’t blame you for being worried about things getting too serious too fast, normally this sort of thing does not work out the way it did for me. I feel ridiculous when I think about what I have done the last year, it just sounds absurd, I never would have believed things would work out that way but things just fell into place so perfectly. I think it’s okay to keep a watchful eye on your D as long as you avoid saying anything negative unnecessarily, which it sounds like is all you want to do. Most kids this day and age don’t seem to pursue these fast moving serious relationships, but that doesn’t mean they don’t happen or that when it happens it’s any less real. And your D’s relationship may not be moving as fast as you think, she may just be excited and thinking ahead as girls tend to do in relationships. Your her mother, she probably doesn’t filter what she says to you to only her most sensible thoughts, and that’s a good thing!</p>
<p>ETA: Oh yeah, and ex-bf is engaged to someone he’d been friends with all through college. They seem like a perfect fit, I am really happy for him. I find it interesting that we were together so long, and yet both of us bounced back so quickly after the break up! I think we just had some things to learn from each other before we were ready to meet our soulmates.</p>
<p>Sportsmama–is it possible you don’t think any man is good enough for your DD? I guess I don’t understand the reluctance to meet him.</p>
<p>OP has her own schedule of how courtship should move. I doubt it if it is personal to her daughter’s BF. I personally wouldn’t be too happy if my kids got married right out of college, especially if the guy is also very young.</p>
<p>Ordinarylives, if the “butt crack jewelry girl” had been brought out at a casual picnic or other get-together, couldn’t the family just as easily make fun of her?</p>
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<p>As the mom of two boys to whom this HAS happened, I felt very happy for my sons that they’d found someone with whom they wanted to spend such a special and cherished time. It’s the way it’s supposed to work!</p>
<p>Now my D, our youngest (she is 25), has been dating a great guy for around 4 months now and she is, in fact, in his home town with him to spend Christmas week. Of course we missed her at Christmas, but I am so happy for her. This guy is great and they are, I believe, talking long-term plans, including marriage. Sometimes you just know…</p>
<p>So I would be thrilled that your D wants you to meet her boyfriend, and would encourage each and every conversation the two of you could have about him…what a bonding moment!!</p>
<p>Best to you…</p>
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<p>When you say this, do you mean that you would rather that they didn’t form serious relationships that young, or do you mean that if they get involved in a serious relationship, you would rather that they waited a while before making a decision about marriage?</p>
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<p>Probably not, simply because of size. Casual gatherings are huge, and it’s likely nobody would have noticed her or if they did, figured out who she was with. Holidays are “small” (around 50 guests), so people notice who’s there and who they came with. This year, d1 brought her best friend and her best friend’s bf. took about 6 minutes for everybody to quickly delve in and figure out who they were, and most importantly, that the bf was somebody else’s romantic interest!</p>
<p>I still don’t see where there are any indicators as to level of “seriousness” of this relationship or potential or impending marriage, though that COULD happen. The only facts presented are that they have dated one another for three months, like one another a lot, boy gave girl a very nice holiday gift, and boy would like to visit and meet her parents. That is it. It could become more and just as easily not. Meeting a BF or GF’s parents is not an indicator of seriousness of marriage on the horizon. It is more an indicator that boy or girl are fond enough with one another that they’d like the parents to know that person and feel comfortable doing that (in other words, it is not super casual date but they care enough to know the other one’s family). Nothing more. Could be at some point. I can’t see a reason to not want to meet my kid’s BF or GF. I don’t have to wait until they date over a year or are talking marriage in order to meet them. I’d be interested and actually glad that they want to meet me. And IF it ever grew into marriage, I’d be happy to know them all that much sooner. But I would not be thinking AT ALL about marriage and simply think of meeting who they are dating regularly for the time being.</p>
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<p>Well I was the mom who really didn’t want my kids having a serious bf/gf in high school. Except that D did. They are now recent college grads and still dating, moving in together and talking marriage. The important thing is that he is a great guy and is wonderful to D.</p>
<p>I met a guy (in a bar) shortly after college graduation and we got serious very quickly. He was in his last year of college (800 miles away), and when we got engaged a year and a half later we had never lived within several hundred miles of each other. My parents wisely kept their mouths shut. And H and I have been married for over 32 years.</p>
<p>Oldfort is right. It has nothing to do with the guy. It’s just the time factor (with both the last bf and the current one).</p>
<p>Emaheevul, thanks for sharing your story and for being able to understand my feelings. I think you “get” what I am saying better than most of the parents. Are you sure you’re only 23? Lol. 
I wish you the best! It sounds like you have it all together.</p>
<p>The worst time to have “relationship” discussion is when kids are in a relationship because then it would just be too personal. I started to brain wash my kids while they were young, so now they think they are making their own decisions.</p>
<p>I’m working on that same method, oldfort. I keep telling my son that he is never, ever going to leave me and I will not meet THAT WOMAN. </p>
<p>He gently pats me on the head.</p>
<p>Sportsmama - I understand your concern; I would be concerned because such strong feelings so soon MIGHT lead to hurt feelings later. For every positive story, there is a broken heart story. Every journey is different. That being said, there are a lot of positives: your D is happy, the young man is reciprocating in his feelings, he is willing to travel to meet you, and your D is talking to you about the relationship. I think you are right to avoid any negative comments. I would take the good advice above and ask her about him. I would love to see my D in a happy relationship; it can be such a blessing! All the best to you.</p>
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<p>I know this was tongue in cheek but, really, isn’t that the truth!!! We spend many years sending messages to our kids about what a good relationship is and what it isn’t. I
am starting to reap the rewards of all that work and time spent. My Ds seem to have very good instincts and priorities about the men they choose to be with. I love both of their current boyfriends and I know from being with them and from conversations with my Ds that they are good people. Will they stay together? Who knows but I feel pretty confident that my daughters know how to pick one.</p>
<p>Think about this from the young man’s perspective. He may want to meet the family before fully committing to their daughter.</p>
<p>Mcat, I have heard of plenty of young men who ‘don’t date’ to avoid drama. Someone once said that some men are like those pop up thermometers in turkeys. When they pop, they are ready for marriage, and only then do they seriously look around. My only problem with people that think that there is a preferred schedule is that they may miss out on the perfect mate while their eyes are closed.</p>
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<p>Well, then, there are two issues here. You say the issue now is that she started seriously dating this guy too soon (in your opinion) after the break up with previous BF. But your thread comes across as whether or not you should have the BF visit or meet him now or not until much farther in the future. Two different issues.</p>
<p>I can’t see a reason to not meet who your D is dating FOR NOW. Meeting who your kid is dating is not an indicator of the level of seriousness of the relationship or even an impending engagement. As I wrote earlier, since 9th grade, I have met every BF my D has had (she is now 24 and has been living six hours away now for 7.5 years). I never weighed the level of seriousness or thought about potential husbands. I was just interested in their lives and happy they would want to introduce their BFs to me and have them spend time with me (and same with their families). You say that flying halfway across the country should be reserved for serious relationships. But if you did live closer, would you meet this young man? If so, why not if he is willing to fund his travel to where you live? The bottom line is simply meeting your D’s current beau who is important in her life and she would like to share in that with you (which I think is quite fortunate as the opposite situation would be far worse). </p>
<p>You seem concerned that it has “only” been 7 months between her last serious relationship ending and the start of this one and your fear that it is a rebound relationship. I don’t agree. She is young and how long should she wait in between relationships? Seven months is plenty of time. My D who is a couple of years older, has dated each BF for at least one year (current one is the longest at 3 yrs., 2 mos.) and had MUCH less time in between her relationships than your D has had. They were not rebound in nature. Actually, she has often been the one to split with the boy, and not vice versa.</p>
<p>As an aside, my concern for you is that you may be giving off negative vibes and being less than encouraging and supportive and that might get your D to be more close mouthed about her relationships when she is currently trying to share it with you (which I find to be the best of all).</p>
<p>PS, bottom line, your D is happy and any mom, including you, can relish in that!</p>
<p>I view this as an aspect of whose life is it? After college and being out on his own, I view my S as having his life as I have my life. We are part of each others life, but his life is NOT mine to play puppet master. Accommodations are made by both of us all the time.</p>
<p>OPs employed, college graduate daughter returned to her parents home sans boyfriend. She acknowledged that her mothers approval was something she sought. She suggested a way to start that process. Seems to me she handled her end capably.</p>
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<p>That’s quite a definition of small. My recent holiday was shared with a total of 9 people (4 of them being my husband/me/2 kids) so I’m having a hard time seeing where gatherings of 50 people are so very intimate that an extra person there really changes the dynamic all that much. </p>
<p>I think there is a philosophy of welcoming, however, that differs from family to family.
In my family, my sister and I trade Thanksgiving/Xmas Eve with Xmas Day between “our” family and our respective husbands’ families. One year, I was going to be with my in-laws on Tgiving and my sister with hers; my newly divorced mother had just moved to town and was going to be by herself. My sister asked her in-laws could her mother come, and the answer was NO, this was family time. Contrast this to my in-laws, who said - of course your mother can’t be alone at Tgiving! Please, we would love for her to come! and who have welcomed both my parents even on holidays where it was “supposed” to be just H/me/our kids coming.</p>
<p>This spoke volumes – not very flattering – about my sister’s in-laws that they couldn’t invite their daughter-in-law’s mother to a Thanksgiving dinner because she wasn’t “family.” I think it’s very unattractive behavior, and I see no reason to exclude anyone who isn’t otherwise welcome in your home.</p>