<p>I can’t be enthusiastic about a relationship that seems too-serious-too-soon, but I can make sure I’m not negative about it.</p>
<p>I know this probably sounds sexist, but there are men who “just know” rather soon. I’m not talking about the clingy types that are just looking for someone to take care of them. These are guys that have dated a variety of women and when they meet “the one”, they know and want to commit. </p>
<p>Yes, I know that many women can feel the same way, but women generally have to wait for the guy to want to commit as well.</p>
<p>The thing is, who knows whether your D will even marry this guy. I would not even be thinking about that (and my D has dated her BF way longer and started at age 20 with him). Does it even matter? I stick in the here and now. I don’t just want to meet the guys my girls will marry but would be interested in meeting anyone they date if they are willing to do so. I would not think so far ahead or feel I had to wait to find out if they were gonna get engaged or some such. Obviously, the young man is a big part of her life and what could be more interesting than to see just who he is? Does it even matter the degree of “seriousness?” I have met every boyfriend my D has ever had.</p>
<p>Also, how do you know how “serious” they are? You have not mentioned anything that indicates plans to marry or some such. The facts as you present them are that they have dated three months, he gave her a nice gift for the holiday and he’d be interested in meeting you. None of that indicates anything “more” than boyfriend of three months. Not a word was said about any “future” plans.</p>
<p>I never thought about this, but so have I. Even though my 27 year old Dd lived 3000 miles away for eight years, I’ve still met the Bfs she was with in those years. Two of them spent a week at our home, flying across the country to meet us and be with her. She didn’t marry either of them (at least, not yet) but it really meant a lot to Dh and I to have met them, and it makes me feel closer to my Dd to know who is important in her life.</p>
<p>SportsMama–that is the right attitude–you don’t need to be enthusiastic about a relationship you don’t know about, why should you be? If it doesn’t work out that would make it even harder for your D to back out. But no negativity let’s everyone breathe and enjoy the present. You have to trust your D’s instincts. If you don’t, just keep your mouth shut as long as possible…</p>
<p>Perhaps YOU think this previous BF was Mr. Right. Perhaps YOU are grieving the loss of that relationship. Perhaps not, but it’s something to consider. However, I don’t think your concerns have much to do with the length of time, even though you think they do. It’s just easier to latch onto that excuse.</p>
<p>I agree with those that suggest embracing this man in your daughter’s life, and let her know you’d like to know as much about him as possible. Saying nothing, or very little, sends a very strong message to your daughter that I don’t think you want to be sending.</p>
<p>Here’s one thing I know–my very loving mom thought she had an inside track on what was right for her D. Fortunately, my parents did a great job of raising me to know myself. I just had to convince them that they did a great job and I could make my own good choices in love and life without having to rely on them.</p>
<p>Tangent to the discussion here but related to bf/gf relationship. DS essentially has not had any this kind of relation if we do not count his relatively short-lived one toward the end of high school. He is 25. It is not the lack of opportunities. I think it has more to do with his inaction and the lack of commitment (like it was hinted above that a commitment from a guy is important to initiate and maintain a relation.) He started to say that only when it is about the time for him to get married, he will try to find one. I feel he is missing something by being too passive. (If only he has the initiative of OP’s bf, his “problem” will be half-resolved.)</p>
<p>Sounds like things have already moved along for your D. Did she meet his folks already? Would you be comfortable if they got engaged before you met him?</p>
<p>I have heard quite a few stories of extremely short courtships and engagements over the years. It works for some people. I think that we have to be mentally prepared for that possibility.</p>
<p>mcat2–interesting–My dad always said guys get married by 30–that something clicks in and all of a sudden they look around and grab a girl. He was the first of his group to get married. I watched and it happened in our group also–my H and I got married and within just a few years everyone in our group was married–even the die hard non committed.</p>
<p>FlyMe,it is quite the contrary with the last bf. I didn’t think he was Mr. Right, but I didn’t tell her that. I also never appeared enthusiastic about their relationship, but told her how happy I was that SHE was happy because of this relationship. And, yes, it is the time factor that is causing me concern.</p>
<p>OT- my mother gave me some old papers to wade through and in them, she had several notes from my then-boyfriend (now husband), thanking them after they’d taken him out to dinner, indicating that he wanted to go visit them when he was getting serious about asking me to marry him, etc … It was quite cute and of course embarrassing for him to read after 25+ years of marriage :-)</p>
<p>We were of the “we just knew” variety as well, and secretly bought an engagement ring within 3 months of first dating.</p>
<p>My SO and I have been together for almost 13 years, and have spent XMas Eve with his family and Xmas Day with my family every year but the first we were together. </p>
<p>We generally spend Thanksgiving with my family either at my parent’s house, our house, or going out somewhere as a group with additional family and/or friends (great meal… don’t over eat as much, no cooking, no dishes
… woo woo), since Thanksgiving is not a huge holiday for his family, we do not generally spend the day with them… although sometimes part of the break.</p>
<p>12+ years ago… not long (meaning weeks) after my SO and I started dating… I met his parents, he met my parents, he I and were attending family and friend events and holidays together, etc…</p>
<p>SOs are always included in holidays in our families. We also often will invite friends and other acquaintances who may not have family close by to join us to as well. </p>
<p>Every family will have different customs and traditions, and be comfortable with different things. Because of my background and upbringing I do not understand the sentiment that until adult children are married their SOs are not welcome at holiday gatherings, or that adult children cannot choose to spend a portion of a holiday with SO and family until married. But, every families customs and expectations are different. </p>
<p>It says alot about your Ds love and respect for you and her feelings about her SO that she wants to have him across the country to meet you and spend the winter holidays with all of you. </p>
<p>Happy Holidays and Happy (impending) New Year!</p>
<p>A family may not want SOs at holiday gatherings because, if those relationships end badly, the family holiday can become tainted with bad memories. Or at least that’s one explanation. Personally, I can’t ever see taking a bf away from his own family for the holidays. I just think about how HIS mom would feel not to have her son with her . . .</p>
<p>Well, as families grow and change and there are divorces or splits, it’s likely that holiday gatherings some year down the line are going to happen without someone who was there in the past. It would be just silly to not allow a spouse at a gathering just IN CASE there’s a divorce later on making the holiday is “tainted”, wouldn’t it be? What about friends-do we not invite them in case somewhere down the line the friendship ends? And I can’t even form a response to “taking away” a grown man from his mommy…</p>
<p>As for current stories of getting serious quickly-my niece dated only casually in HS and college-deciding early on she wanted to focus on school and work and having fun. Now that she’s established in her job, she met a young man 4 months ago and has already moved in with him. He’s remodeled his condo to suit her and they’re already planning a future together. My sister says it’s like they were separated at birth-they can finish each other’s sentences and like all of the same things. They’re very happy and compatible. It wasn’t just in “olden days” when this happened. People haven’t changed THAT much. Sometimes, you just know, as has been said many times.</p>
<p>But honestly, this just sounds like a pleasant relationship in the OP. I don’t think visiting during the holidays means anything other than they want to spend a special time together because they LIKE each other. I don’t know many parents as invested in their grown kids private lives as I see here.</p>
<p>There was discussion upthread about families who didn’t include non-family at holidays. Bad feelings are one reason for that. My family still makes fun of a cousin who brought a girlfriend sporting what we now refer to as “butt crack jewelry.” I’m quite sure this cousin wishes he’d never brought that girl. But I’ll guess from that rather “take me to task” response, that nobody else’s family would ever say anything as unkind to one another as mine does.</p>
<p>As for not inviting a spouse, well that’s WAY down the slippery slope. Bf and spouse are very different things. </p>
<p>And for taking a grown man away from his mommy, I guess that’s one way to look at it. For me, it is about showing respect for the SOs family.</p>
<p>Threads like this make me happy to be dating (and very serious with) a Jewish BF. Takes the issue out of where to spend Christmas completely out of the picture!</p>
<p>Both sides of my family tend to treat the holidays in a different manner. All SO’s/fiances/husbands/etc. are invited to my mom’s side of the family for the holidays, in fact, my cousin went through so many BF’s before she got engaged that we were at 5 BF’s in 5 years. This year, my BF stayed at home in Phoenix for Christmas and my mom’s side of the family took that to mean our relationship was in trouble <em>eyeroll</em> That being said, when my BF was around for Christmas last year, it was the first time a SO had come to my dad’s side of the family for the holidays. It’s a smaller family and none of my older cousins are married/engaged/seeing anyone, so it just hasn’t really come up. My grandma loved him and the biggest fiasco was her being afraid he wouldn’t eat ham :)</p>
<p>On a side note: I flew out to Phoenix w/BF to meet BF’s parents after we were dating for 3 months, and they paid for it. It was a combo spring break/meet them trip and worked out lovely</p>
<p>My parents met in August and married on January 1st. We will be celebrating their 60th anniversary on 1/1/13. I met my husband in September and he met my family in November. I knew he was the right one (I was only 19 when we met) and wanted him to meet my family. I met his family three weeks after we met. We married three years later because we were undergrads. We have been married almost 30 years.</p>
<p>I think it is a great sign that he is anxious to meet you, and willing to make last minute reservations. I would try to hold your judgement until you meet him. He may just be very wonderful.</p>