<p>^^^don’t understand why you think anyone is judging how others celebrate holidays, but everyone has the right to celebrate the way they want to, which may mean not to include people who are not family. Don’t people usually work out a “schedule” after they are married?</p>
<p>I said that because these days if you are only going to count thsose that marry into your family in your holiday celebrations, and not even consider serious significant others, then you are asking you child to pick between mom and the steady bf or gf. Some couples are waiiting many years to marry for a myriad of reasons, so is this mom going to not want anyone not married around ? Look around, that’s the new reality.</p>
<p>f it is indeed moving fast, and you feel there is something nefarious about him, then I would have really wanted to meet him.</p>
<p>Is he older? Does he have family money? Is it maybe green card situation? Is he from another culture where men can be a bit, um, pushy? </p>
<p>Meeting someone my kid is this serious about this early is l would have jumped at the chance, even if it meant one more at the family dinner table.</p>
<p>Your family is going to expand. And people will be splitting time between families for the holidays. You are going to have to get used to it, and if you are waiting for a ring to include them, that may move things faster then you want.</p>
<p>I’ve read the OP’s post several times and I can’t find anything that warrants concern at this time. Just because someone is willing to come out for the holidays (but he didn’t, actually) doesn’t mean things are “going to fast.” Guys like to buy things for their GFs- also not unusual. Maybe he’s hoping she will be the one and trying to show how much he cares for her. Like another poster said, this is bad?<br>
Relax and trust your daughter. If you project a disapproving attitude, she’ll start keeping things from you, and I’m sure you don’t want that. Be happy that she is moving forward in both her work and personal life, and be as supportive as you can be. I’d be offering the young man a room for a few days over New Year’s if this were my Dd.</p>
<p>If my daughter had a new boyfriend and shared it with me, I’d want to know all I could about him that she’d be willing to share. If she wanted him to come to our home for a visit, I’d be welcoming and delighted. The fact that the young man is willing to visit her parents out of state or even got her nice gifts is more positive than negative, I think. I would not assume any long term commitment and just stay in the here and now as to who she is dating and see what happens. I’d rather know the person than not know the person my kid was involved with. </p>
<p>As far as the side discussion about the holidays, my situation is a little different. We are Jewish and do not celebrate Christmas. My younger daughter, who is now 24, has been in a relationship for over three years (started after college graduation), though was friends with this young man for three years during college (though dated someone else then). They live in NYC (not together). While he has never been to my home in Vermont, I have seen him many times, and in fact, pretty much every time I go to NYC to visit D, which is five or six times per year. When there, I typically go out to a meal with him and so on. However, his family, who lives in Ohio, DO celebrate XMas and last year and this year, they invited my D for a week to spend the holidays with them. She asked if I minded and of course I did not as we are not gathering for this holiday as we don’t celebrate. Besides, I thought it was really lovely for his family to include her, as their other children are all married, and my D and their son are not. They had met my D many times before that in NYC. Last year, after my D visited their home for a week, her BF’s mother sent me a handwritten card extolling my daughter and I will say that this meant a great deal to me. I think she was very wise to do that (ya never know if these two end up married one day). His family invited my D to go on their yearly family vacation last June and she was going to join them but then got cast in a show at the Sydney Opera House and could not go with his family after all. This year, she was invited back for XMas week and is at BF’s family’s home right now. I sent them gifts on behalf of my D and wrote a lovely note about their son. I have not met his parents yet. They included her in the family secret santa gift giving, church services, volunteering at a soup kitchen and other family traditions. Last year, they even made a stocking for her that she saved. I have no idea the future of my D’s relationship but am happy that BF’s family has included her and I also am happy that when I visit my D, she arranges times for me to get to spend with her BF. Her BF is comfortable with me and contacted me this year to get together with him to get my D a significant Hanukah present (until now, they had been creating very meaningful gifts for one another that don’t cost much but this time they got something costing more). </p>
<p>In any case, I’d want to know about my D’s boyfriend (if I were you) and ask her to share about him. The fact that she’d like him to meet you is something I would welcome.</p>
<p>I am patiently waiting for either oft kids to say they would like us to meet their significant other. We will be thrilled for them when that happens and will work to plan a time to make the meeting take place. What a special time for the OP’s daughter! So nice that she wants to have her family meet this young man.</p>
<p>To me, having a bf or gf travel halfway across the country to come and stay at your house indicates a serious relationship. Dating someone for three months does not qualify (for me) at this point in time. We all have different opinions on this, but this is mine.</p>
<p>My daughter did not ask me if he could come and stay; she simply indicated that he would like to meet us. If they are still dating next summer, we will meet him when we go to visit her. </p>
<p>My opinion has nothing to do with the guy. I think it’s too soon because in addition to dating this guy for only three months, less than seven months ago she had another bf. Although she never came out and said the word “marriage,” she talked about his plans for attending graduate school and what kind of career he would have,what kind of money he would make, what locations would be good for his career, etc. He broke up with her right before she graduated. I think he felt the relationship wasn’t strong enough to withstand the long distance. Could she be in a rebound relationship? Idk.</p>
<p>I will keep my mouth shut and ask questions that are non-judgmental in nature.</p>
<p>I mean that sincerely. There ARE all kinds of opinions as to appropriate conduct in this sort of situation; there are no right answers. She might be in a rebound relationship, but she might not.</p>
<p>One thing though–remember that your idea of “expensive” and his might not match. If he has a relatively high income and especially if he doesn’t have much family what you see as an “expensive” gift might not be to him. If you’re talking a new car, of course, that would be “expensive” to anyone. But if it means a new ipad, some folks would view that as too expensive and others would not.</p>
<p>I don’t think you can easily gauge seriousness based on the amount of time you are dating.
At age 22, I had only dated my boyfriend for 3.5 months before moving in with him (upon my graduation from college). We have been married for nearly 30 years now. And, a year prior he had been engaged. Six months before I met him, I’d had another boyfriend.</p>
<p>My sis married later in life. She only dated her future-husband for 2 months before they decided, why wait? And then they married (they were in their 30s). Her H’s mom was completely freaked out that he was getting married so fast. She nearly alienated her son by her remarks about how he ‘couldn’t possibly be sure about this girl so soon’.</p>
<p>Sis and her husband just celebrated their 14th anniversary and clearly they are still so in love.</p>
<p>I think there is a lot of over-thinking going on. My H and I started dating in September and that December he flew to CA with his family for Christmas. I remember being devastated that we weren’t spending our first Christmas together. I also remember my mom greeting me one morning with the statement “you miss him, don’t you?” It meant a lot to me to know that she realized how strong my feelings were. </p>
<p>The first few months of a good relationship are intense. That intensity is real to the people experiencing it. I remember that I’m sure most of you do too.</p>
<p>Whether the OP is enthusiastic or blase about this new relationship will only effect her relationship with her D. But it won’t effect the course of the courtship.</p>
<p>I was engaged within 3 weeks of meeting my H of 35 years (although it was a long engagement)…so maybe my opinion doesn’t count. My parents did the upset parent thing (you’ll be glad to know they came around!) BUT, my present stance is that my D and S are pretty bright and hopefully know by now what constitutes a good relationship for them and wouldn’t settle for anything less. I meet whomever, stay cordial, withhold opinions (both too good and any bad) and when the day comes I will embrace their choice. that’s the plan anyways!</p>
<p>In the last few years I’ve bought pearl earrings that cost about $18 and another pair that cost about $200. One was from TJ Maxx, the other (Mikimoto) from Jared.</p>
<p>My S has a GF who appears to be very well off. Can fly to Paris from Asia to visit him twice in the last year, for example, something that he would never be able to do in reverse.</p>
<p>As with his earlier GF–whom I really liked, and she had a completely different racial/cultural background from us, this one I have not actually met–I smile and nod, and am enthusiastic. I’ve experienced being the DIL who everyone loved to criticize.</p>
<p>EPTR makes a good point:
"Whether the OP is enthusiastic or blase about this new relationship will only effect her relationship with her D. But it won’t effect the course of the courtship. "</p>
<p>I can’t be enthusiastic about a relationship that seems too-serious-too-soon, but I can make sure I’m not negative about it.</p>
<p>Also, lots of stories about parents who decided to marry shortly after meeting, but how about stories about your kids? It seems to have been the trend back them, but not so much any more–at least to my knowledge.</p>
<p>I would be very careful about placing your own qualifications about what constitutes a proper amount of time to qualify for a serious relationship (i.e. if they are still dating next summer then I’ll consider meeting him). This is your daughter’s relationship and it is only up to her and her bf to decide how serious it is. You can choose not to acknowledge, support, or validate it, but that could very well cause stress in your relationship with your daughter. Basing this current relationship on a previous relationship isn’t really valid. We all have different relationships that grow at different rates and move in different ways. You have no way of knowing that your DD would still be with the old bf if they didn’t break up due to distance. It isn’t your business, only that they made the decision to break off the relationship. I think you are really risking pushing your DD away if you essentially invalidate the importance of this relationship in her life.</p>
<p>My DH and I had both been in serious relationship prior to dating one another. We dated four months before we were engaged (22 & 25yo both independently living on our own and supporting ourselves). We had over a year long engagement. We have three children and just celebrated our 22 anniversary this fall. DH took me by his parents home the morning after our first date. They were warm and welcoming. We began splitting holidays the year we were engaged. It seemed totally natural and no one thought we should do anything different. Everyone was always welcomed everywhere. </p>
<p>FWIW, someone asked my mom when we were engaged if she thought I was a bit young or it was too soon in the relationship. She responded sincerely “Blueiguana is a smart young woman who has dated a lot and I trust knows what she wants and needs in a partner by now. Why would it make any difference if it were a year from now or she were three years older?”.</p>
<p>Your D is an adult. This is none of your business as long as he’s not some ax murderer or something weird (like 50 years old living in granny’s basement).</p>
<p>Many couples will tell you that they “knew” within a few months. They may not have married right away, but they “knew” early on.</p>
<p>Hope you meet soon and things go well. Smile!</p>
<p>The more I read threads like this, the more I think I was lucky that my future husband knew my mother before he met me. In fact, she introduced us. That eliminated a lot of potential for stress.</p>
I’m sure most of you do too.</p>