Breaking up is hard to do....

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My S and his GS have been dating for about a year and a half. It was the first serious relationship for both of them and they were inseparable most of the time. My son worked with her dad last summer and went on family trips with them. He invited her to all our family functions. The two of them were rarely apart. In August he left for his freshman year at school 500 miles from home. His GF was still in HS. </p>

<p>For the first few weeks they talked on the phone EVERY DAY. Then they arranged to Skype and his GF was so excited and they arranged a Skype date every week (she doesn’t have internet at home or I’m sure it would have been more often).</p>

<p>He came home for his fall break and they spent every moment they could together, then again during Thanksgiving - she joined us for our family meals and he joined her family for theirs.</p>

<p>Then came the winter break. He was home for 3 1/2 weeks. They were together almost every one of those days. She joined our family to exchange gifts and he joined her family for the same. My son was so excited about the gifts he bought her he even texted pictures to all his friends (and even his parents!) They talked about upcoming plans. She wanted him to come home for prom. They talked about plans for spring break since both schools share the same break. And I was planning on going to visit my son in the spring and even offered to bring her along so she could see his school and meet his friends.</p>

<p>He went back to school for his second semester 9 days ago. </p>

<p>He called last night…in tears…sobbing heavily to say that he broke up with her. I was shocked. Only 9 days ago they could barely be separated. I asked what had happened. He said that he missed her too much. That he couldn’t handle the long distance relationship anymore because he always missed being able to see her. He said that their relationship would never work out because they never had the chance to spend time together. I understand his feelings, but I also know how heartbroken it has left him.</p>

<p>It seems that it was hard for him to readjust to being back at school after being home for so long and that he thought that ‘ripping off the band aid’ was the best solution to make him feel better.</p>

<p>As a mom it would have been easier if he’d told me that he’d met someone else or even that she’d cheated on him, but to know he’s miserable because he broke up with her just because he misses her so much is a little hard to take.</p>

<p>As a mom, I want to make him feel better, but I don’t even have a clue what to say. I keep telling him that I just hope he doesn’t regret his decision later, but I suspect that’s probably the WRONG thing to say. </p>

<p>Any advice on helping your child cope with the end of a long distance relationship… geez, he’s 500 miles away, I can’t even give him a hug. :(</p>

2

<p>It is so hard when your kids are hurting, especially long distance for any reason. Just my hugs to you as you help him through this. I am thinking of my own DD and actually am hoping after 3 years of dating the same guy that they do breakup. College is such a fun time and she is missing out on so many dating opportunities to do things because BF is 5 hours away. It is the first serious relationship for both too. How in the world are they going to decide this is the right person for them if they have never truly dated anyone else. Keep talking to him and make sure he doesn’t head into a deep depression. Tell him you are there for him.</p>

3

<p>I am just going to guess this is going to be an on-again/off-again relationship. Get ready for a roller coaster over the next couple of years from them. Because if they do truly love each other, they won’t be able to stay away when he is home. :frowning: I’m sorry he is going through this. I guess I would NOT tell him you hope he will not regret his decision later. Tell him that you love him, and you want him to be happy in the long run. And that you trust his judgement. Now might be a good time to send a care package…</p>

4

<p>I was the GF in college who broke up with BF for that same reason. It was too distracting to maintain a long distance relationship. If there had been PCs and the internet back then, I could have been the stalker GF!<br>
Long story short, we still managed to see each other in the summer as friends and got back together before our senior year. We’ve been married for 25 years now and the college drama is a distant memory. So, don’t worry jrcsmom, this may be your S’s way of taking control of his life and focusing on school. If that’s the case, that is admirable!</p>

5

<p>“You have loved and been loved, and you will love and be loved again,” is what I would say.</p>

<p>You can’t pass judgement on whether the breakup was a good idea, but saying the above leaves everything open and the point is that there WILL be joy, one way or another, in the future.</p>

<p>I know of a very strong long term marriage that started as a high school romance. The couple broke up in college to date others but came back together later in college. Sometimes it can work out that way, and the couple are better for it. If not, they are each likely to eventually find happiness on another path.</p>

6

<p>Break ups can be just as hard on the parents as the kids involved. It sounds like you love them both. Nothing you can really do. He will smile again and this too shall pass. You never know what the future holds for anyone. Hugs!</p>

7

<p>It’s just SO common for breakups to happen at this juncture. Kids in HS and kids in college are on such different planes that I’m surprised it doesn’t happen even MORE often. Your son sounds like a caring, sensitive kid who will now have some time to focus on himself a bit more. 18-19 is SO young to be thinking of any kind of permanance!</p>

<p>It’s SO important to mature and understand yourself at this age, and that’s hard to do if you’re always pining away for someone else. My D went through this last year and it really got in the way of her happiness at school.</p>

<p>What you do is tell them you’re there to listen whenever they want to talk, and that it will get better. Leave judgement out of it entirely, and leave your own feelings for the GF out of it. In my D’s case, I never liked the kid, but that wasn’t her problem, it was mine.</p>

8

<p>Yes, it’s sad that your son is hurting, but IMO too many people set themselves up so that their children’s breakups affect them as much as their child. Our role is to be there for emotional support, not to have such an invested part in it. </p>

<p>I am constantly surprised to hear how engaged some parents in our generation are in their teenage children’s relationships. Reading your description of your involvement, working for a parent, vacations, holiday meals etc. were things most people our age didn’t do with a SO’s family (or at least not to that degree) until after they were older and very serious, engaged or married. No small wonder that parents become attached and involved in what should, at this stage be their relationship to explore, and evaluate, not ours. </p>

<p>I suspect there is more to your S’s decision, perhaps even more than he can articulate to you or himself. It’s normal and healthy for a young person to want to date and explore various relationships at his age. He’s more mature than he was as a high school student and has a different perspective since being away at school. He will continue to grow and change and may have many relationships in his future. As other posters have said, if it’s meant to be at some time in the future, it will be. Support him, yes, be welcoming and warm to any SO, yes, but do suspend the outward judgments.</p>

9

<p>I, too, would expect a lot of back and forth here. I bet they get back together and break up several more times. It IS hard on the parents, but they are SO young and there will be more loves in the future. It is also wise to not get too invested in the relationships. I’ve learned that the hard way.</p>

10

<p>@roshke -</p>

<p>You mentioned a concern I had from the beginning of their relationship. They seemed to be SOOO serious and they were so young. Initially his GF thought I didn’t like her because I wanted them to be less serious. But my S became such a part of their family and was invited to all their family gatherings (even one that was out of state) that after a time I felt obligated to do the same. I felt they were so welcoming and inclusive to my S that if I didn’t invite their D to our events that she and her family would take it personally. </p>

<p>I directly told my son early in his relationship that it was not that I didn’t like his GF, I barely knew her at the time, I just thought their relationship was more serious than it should be for their age (she was still only 16 at the time).</p>

<p>I don’t feel that I’m overly invested in the relationship, just OVERLY invested in seeing my son happy and hate to see him heartbroken. I’ve read a few times on CC that a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child. I’m just learning through this experience how true that statement is!</p>

11

<p>

I wouldn’t say it and it’d be pointless to say anyway because ‘of course’ both of you hope he doesn’t regret it later. What good would saying that do?</p>

<p>Remember that as the parent you don’t really know all the facets to this situation. There may well be more to it than you realize.</p>

<p>However, it’s hard to say what’ll really happen. He (and she) may well move on from here and pursue other interests but they also could be back together tomorrow or back and forth. It’s not really until one or both find other people that it starts to really be over.</p>

<p>It can be tough as a parent on this but unless he specifically asks for your advice it’s best to keep it to yourself other than giving him whatever emotional support he might need. Your S is finding his way and will likely ultimately be happy with what he decides so you have that to look forward to.</p>

12

<p>Don’t tell him about regretting it later. He probably will and doesn’t need the added guilt. </p>

<p>I wish people wouldn’t break up because of distance. It makes things so much harder. Most of these relationships will end naturally, leaving FAR less “what ifs”. I suspect like others that this will be the beginning of a roller coaster.</p>

<p>I would just reassure him that it’s going to be OK. Don’t make any judgments or tell him what he should or shouldn’t be feeling. There’s not much you can do.</p>

13

<p>Like lilmom, I was the GF who broke up with the HS BF in spring semester of freshman year as I didn’t want to be tied down. We didn’t see each other for nearly 10 months, then saw each other at a holiday party sophomore year and got back together. We were married less than 2 years later and that was 30+ years ago. </p>

<p>If it’s meant to be, it will be. Be a sounding board for your son, but don’t judge him. I don’t miss being a teenager!</p>

14

<p>^^^Me,too. DH and I dated in h.s. He’s 3 yrs. older than me. We stayed together through his first semester of college. He came home every weekend to see me. Things started going south. I felt as if I was missing fun w/ my h.s. friends and spending all my time just waiting for him to visit. We broke up. </p>

<p>Three years later when I was a college freshman and had just gone through a break-up w/ another BF, I saw DH at church on Christmas Eve. Hadn’t talked to him in a couple of years. We started talking and planned to get together over the holidays.<br>
One date led to another and before we knew it we were crazy about each other all over again. We got married after my soph. year in college. He had already graduated and had been working for a year. This June will be our 31st anniversary. </p>

<p>OP, try not to say too much. They might get back together and work it all out.</p>

15

<p>I think the most comforting thing would be to acknowledge his feelings without offering advice/what he should or should not do next/what he should or should not feel.</p>

<p>If only I could learn to take my own advice.</p>

16

<p>I obviously live in a different world because I know only 2 couples who married their high school sweethearts. And only one of those was of the on-again-off-again variety. Gosh, I would NOT want my kid settling for the person who is their first serious GF/BF-we grow SO much after we’re kids in HS. I knew SO SO much more about myself even after college that I can’t imagine having to grow up with a spouse. Had I married that HS kid, I would not be the person I am now, there is just so much about myself I would never have learned, things I wouldn’t have done, people I wouldn’t have met. </p>

<p>OP-why did you feel you had to “keep up with the Jones” by inviting the GF along even though you didn’t really want her there? So what if the other family minded, YOU get to set YOUR parameters. And if you didn’t want your S going on so many outings, you should have said “no”. </p>

<p>My D’s BF has relatives in France and invited her to go with ihm to visit. Her father and I agreed (as did both stepparents) that we thought it was a bad idea. We said no. She got all kinds of angry and stomped around for a bit, but that was her problem. There was just a limit to the amount of togetherness with family we were willing to support.</p>

17

<p>I think the “keeping up with the Joneses” was more of a pick your battles…</p>

<p>It was not that I had any problem with my Ss GF being at our family gatherings and when she was there with him, he was happy. If I’d put my foot down then he would have spent the entire time angry and moody and it was more important to me for us all to enjoy our family time together. It frankly wasn’t worth a battle to keep her from joining us for a meal. Although some family time without her may have been nice on occasion, there was no reason to demand it and I guess I’ll get plenty of it now?</p>

<p>But it’s definitely not that I have a problem standing up to my child. On New Year’s Eve he went out with his GF and then came home (suspecting I’d already be asleep, I’m sure) to get some things so he could go over to her house and ‘sleep on her couch’ just so they could spend more time together. I told my adult child, that yes he is now an adult and technically he can leave the house and sleep where he chooses, HOWEVER he is expecting me to provide financial support and if he expects that support to continue, then he might want to consider following my rules. I had two teenagers stomping and rolling their eyes at me and I’m sure thinking some very unkind things until her dad showed up to take her home. </p>

<p>Pick your battles…</p>

18

<p>My high school boyfriend and I broke up on and off all through college. Whenever we’d see each other at a party or whatever when we were at home, we’d end up back together again.</p>

<p>We’ve been married since the late 80’s.</p>

<p>You never know.</p>

<p>Otoh, my oldest finally broke up with her boyfriend who transfered colleges to be near her at the end of freshman year. She is in a serious relationship with someone else and no longer even speaks to the high school boyfriend, who quit college and came home sophomore year.</p>

<p>You really, really never know.</p>

<p>Good luck to your son. He sounds heartbroken, which is sad.</p>

19

<p>These are always hard, especially when it is a first, strong romance. The romantic in me always wants these things to succeed, but I also know that the real world isn’t always so kind…</p>

<p>I agree with others, I think the only thing you can do for your son is to be there, to listen to him when he needs to talk, and basically all you really do is lend a sympathetic ear. If he asks for advice, then go with your feelings, but in the meantime, I would avoid giving advice (yeah, I know, I should practice what I preach…can see my son rolling his eyes if he saw this post <em>lol</em>).About the only thing I would tell your son is that at this stage of life, nothing is set in concrete, so decisions are not irrevocable:)</p>

<p>There is no way to know what will happen, they may find other people and figure out this was just a nice first romance, or they may find out they really are meant for each other and get back together again. I hope that he was able to be honest with the girl about why he was breaking up with her, because if he is hurting, she is too, and the worst thing in my experience was when I broke up with someone and they for a variety of reasons couldn’t/wouldn’t say why, made me feel even worse.</p>

20

<p>OP-I was thinking more that you’d felt uncomfortable with how much time your S spent at the girl’s house in the first place, so why add to the over-togetherness by having HER at YOURS more than you’d have liked? </p>

<p>I know what having annoyed teengers is like-it’s still up to me to draw the lines. If I thought my kid was getting too involved too young, it’s my responsibility to create some parameters around that. I was a PAIN when I didn’t get my way as a teen. I don’t know how my parents didn’t kill me. But, they didn’t let me have things my way just to keep the peace. I actually just got more restrictions for acting out. And that’s how my own kids were raised. Being irritating isn’t going to get you what you want.</p>