<p>Dear Ellen,
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
We recently experienced a family tragedy (our baby was stillborn) when our oldest S was away at college. We wondered how S would take the news, if he told anyone, if it affected his work (S tends to be melancholy), if we should let anyone at the college know (we didn’t). And now his grandpa is dying–S would not be able to fly to the funeral. It is so hard to go through these experiences without our loved ones close to us. I understand that feeling of wanting to protect children from our own problems, to spare them the worry and grief, yet at the same time wanting to be with them–just to see their faces-- when we’re suffering.
Now we feel S’s relationship with the family has changed–his younger sibs have experienced something that he wasn’t part of (just as he experienced many things with us before they were born. . .now the tables have turned–all S has are a couple pictures from the cemetery and a memorial card). I sensed that he avoided calling for about a month because he didn’t want to talk about what happened, or didn’t know how I was doing. There is a new distance there–but this probably can’t be avoided when we go through these turning points in our lives after our kids have moved away. </p>
<p>Ellen, I hope you have a wonderful visit with your D, a successful treatment, and the continued support of family, friends, and virtual strangers.</p>
<p>Ellen – Oh, I am so sorry you are having to go through this! I love your posts and mini’s. Your caring and compassion for others comes through so clearly in what you post here. You guys are the best. I will pray for you and your family. I hope your trip goes well. </p>
<p>Atommom – I am so sorry about the baby. And what you are going through with S’s grampa (your dad or your husband’s?) I can only offer cyber hugs, but know that my heart goes out to you . . .</p>
<p>Actually, while all the support I having been getting is wonderful and I need it, part of my point of writing the thread was to explore the issue of supporting our young adults when hard stuff is happening at home and they are far away. Atomom you have my sympathy too. </p>
<p>I had one social worker that I work with tell me I shouldn’t contact my daughter’s friends. But I know my kid and it ended up that the threat that I would contact them was enough. She did tell them and was glad she did. </p>
<p>I did make to the end of Quaker meeting and now I am going to take a nap so I can go to my 16 year old gymnastics evaulation in a couple hours.
In peace
Ellen</p>
<p>ellen - while I think it’s best that your d’s friends and faculty learn from her what is going on, ultimately HOW they get the news is not nearly as important as getting the news. These people will be her support system when you can’t be, but they have to know what is going on. As an adult we recognize how incredibly important this is. Younger people sometimes don’t get this and think they can handle the big stresses alone. </p>
<p>But sounds like you are very much in tune with how her mind works…given that the threat got the job done. I think you did the exact right thing.</p>
<p>At Penn State there is an office that parents can call to inform the school of a stressful family situation. The school then checks in with the student. I bet Smith has something like this, even in the program in Florence. Although it is a difficult choice to involve the admin., it might relieve your mind.
You are right to go see her if you possibly can. Does she have the option to come back to the U.S. for the Spring semester? Would that make any difference, since you are on opposite sides of the country?
You are smart to take your own best advice about the meds. People don’t always realize that it is better for their health to ameliorate their pain and nausea.</p>
<p>“…part of my point of writing the thread was to explore the issue of supporting our young adults when hard stuff is happening at home and they are far away…”</p>
<p>When I was in college many decades ago, I dropped out with two weeks remaining in a semester to help care for my sister. The university gave me a W on my report card for those classes, which had no life changing impact on me in the long run, although my parents objected strenously at the time. It was, however, what I needed to do. I went back to school the following semester (after winter break) and she did die. My parents would not pay for me to come home for the funeral, because it was during final exams and they didn’t want me messing up a second semester. I still regret going along with that choice. </p>
<p>In sum, the advice I was given by my parents during this family crisis was that my job was to keep being the good student so the one problem didn’t become two problems. That was not what I needed. Sometimes one problem will have ripple effects and that is OK. </p>
<p>It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Best of luck as you and your family weather this storm together.</p>
<p>Ellen and David, all the best in this terrible time. I have nothing to add to the thoughts and prayers so much better expressed by others. I can only say, even at night, in the blackness, when you stare upward to the ceiling, you are never alone.</p>
<p>Ellen:
Hang in there. My mom went through chemo a few months ago, and though her one-word summary for chemo was ‘Yuck’ :), it does appear to be working. I’m betting you will beat it too.</p>
<p>(On the plus side, she does report that her hair is growing back thicker than in pre-chemo days…)</p>
<p>Ellen, I am sorry that I do not have any useful information to offer in response to your question and purpose for the thread; please accept instead my very best wishes for a speedy recovery.</p>
<p>Ellen, my thoughts and hugs are with you. I wish you the best results with your chemo. I hope you are able to visit with your daughter in Italy and may you share many, many happy years with your family. Best wishes and big hugs!</p>
<p>You also have my hugs, although I’m not so much the huggy type:).</p>
<p>I am better at offering thoughts. My two children had to hear very sad family news this summer, and we are now closing in on 6 months after.</p>
<p>I would offer this. Get data and assessments from others who are close to them. You can only ask your kids so many times “How are you doing?”. And yet you will so badly want to know. I have found it very helpful to have a strong family network, and that my D has extremely close friends that I have come to know. When they tell me she is going to be OK, I can believe it. And if I can believe she is OK, whatever I might be dealing with is comparatively nothing. When my best friend tells me, your S is OK, then again, I feel myself calming down.</p>
<p>So use all your skills and David’s skills, and just find out how the kids are doing - without poking and prodding them too much. It will ease your mind and heart and possibly, I at least believe, your healing body. Because I am sure your love for them is the guiding point of much of your life.</p>
<p>Good luck. I am sure it will be fine. But luck doesn’t hurt.</p>
<p>Ellen, I’m so sorry that you had to be hit with this difficult news. I hope you will join us here often and that CC can be an outlet as well as a distraction for you. It sounds as if the good (GREAT) news is that your doctors have given you every reason to know that you will beat this. With your husband’s prodigious research skills and your own connections to the medical field, I have no doubt that you are getting the very best of care! I’m also so very glad to hear about the support network that you have at home and at work. </p>
<p>I know you are most concerned about your daughters - I think as far as the one who is doing her year abroad in Italy that there is no right or wrong choice as far as when or whether you ought to approach her teachers or the school administration, just what you feel comfortable doing. In this case I personally wouldn’t spend two milliseconds wondering about the helicopter mom aspect of all this! I know that the professors will be more than willing to extend her the support and accomodations she may need from time to time and that’s all that really matters as far as that aspect of things are concerned. </p>
<p>I wish you all good things and a speedy and complete recovery. Enjoy your Italy trip and I want to hear all about it when you get back, so take good notes , OK?</p>
<p>These are issues of modern life, with kids strewn out to the four corners of the globe. We want to go through these events together, supported by the love that defines our family–but across the oceans we have to accept the modern phone, email, IM, Air Travel version of that extended family support.</p>
<p>Accept and mold that long-distance communication to suit our needs. </p>
<p>atomother…I was touched by your description of your efforts to keep your family stitched together by experiences-- good or bad. You are so attuned to your boy. I hope he finds a way to share that loss with you. Standing at the threshold of my Big Empty Nest, I can only imagine how you treasured that baby. Cyber hugs and real prayers coming your way from the lower hemisphere…</p>
I think you did the exact right thing.</p>