Breast Cancer: DD far away

Parent Cafe
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<p>Ellen
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was away at school. I found out when I came home for Thanksgiving.This was 30 yrs. ago.
I sat here and as I started typing you my story (which I have erased four times now) I realized how really sheltered I was from the realities of her sickness, treatment and recovery. I also now realized for the first time in my life how egocentric I was at the time and it saddens and embarrasses me. I wish I could go back and change my behavior but I can’t. I was away for the first time dealing with new relationships, homesickness, pressures of school and thoughts of my mom. The distance sheltered me, my parents sheltered me, schoolwork sheltered me, my age sheltered me. My parents love for each other allowed me the freedom of not having to worry about them. I knew they were taking care of one another. I don’t remember ever believing that my mom would not recover. After all she was the hub of the wheel. Our entire lives revolved around her. She was the glue that held us all together as a family. It was inconceivable.
I guess what I’m trying to share is that my mom, as moms will do, protected me from all the harsh realities of her disease and in turn I went on with my life and the things I needed to do. I knew she was sick…I just never realized how sick. I don’t know if this was the right or wrong thing for her to do. I just know that this is what she did. And in turn it allowed me to act like a normal, typical college kid and think mostly about myself. I think this made her happy. Although now it saddens me because I wish I was more giving to her. But she was a mom and understood this behavior.</p>

<p>My mom survived with her cancer for almost twenty years at a time when much, much less was known about the disease. I wish you and your family all the best as you deal with this turn of events. You are in my prayers.</p>

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<p>Sax, my story as well except my mom continues on at age 97.</p>

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<p>Overseas, hoping your mom is in good health. Give her an extra hug.</p>

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<p>Ellen, I am undergoing chemotherapy now as well (since June) for colon cancer. My older daughter spent her summer studying in London, and this entire fall semester she is in NYC. She is the type who does better NOT seeing me on my “off days” so it has worked very well for us to be separated. Her younger sister, however, is our worrier. She was unable to take advantage of a wonderful summer opportunity (Governor’s School) last June because she could not bear to leave me while I began my treatments.</p>

<p>All kids are different in how they react to a parent’s illness, but you will probaby find, as I have, just how much they will mature as a result of your situation. I have seen my younger daughter blossom as far as taking more personal responsibility instead of always asking me for help with petty matters. She has also become quite a good caregiver and wants to make sure that I am feeling okay, offers to run errands and make meals for me, etc. There have been multiple blessings to this illness. </p>

<p>I think the December trip to see your daughter sounds perfect. You will probably feel pretty well after only two treatments, and she will get to see that you really are handling the situation beautifully. </p>

<p>Have a wonderful trip! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.</p>

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<p>Sending strength, prayers and positive energy to all going through treatment, and to your loved ones. My mother was diagnosed with advanced stomach cancer a few weeks ago. We find out her options today and my D, a freshman, has been worried and can’t wait to come home. I agree = just seeing will help. It is hard for freshmen too b/c their friendships at school just don’t have the depth yet to be that comfortable. D has been mindful of my feelings and always checks in. My two at home seem oblivious. They are all different. Ellen - I am glad you are going on the trip - stay strong.</p>

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<p>We went through a family tragedy during my S’s first semester, and I’m not sure we handled it the best way–when awful things happen, it’s so hard to know what to do!</p>

<p>In our case, my sister-in-law was killed in a car accident in Michigan. S was very close to his aunt. However, the accident happened as he was approaching midterms and registration–we would have needed to get a plane ticket for him before he could contact profs, advisors, etc. We gave him the option, but supported his choice to stay in school (he did come home the day of the accident, so we saw him before we had to fly to MI).</p>

<p>I felt, though, and i think that he did too, that, like atomom’s S, he had missed an experience that the rest of the family went through together. Her wake was an extraordinary event, full of testimonies of who she was, and dancing in the aisles (and later, dancing in the streets.) It was hard for him to feel he hadn’t been a part of that.</p>

<p>However, the next spring, the group she worked for held a comemorative fundraiser/party in her honor, which turned into a huge, joyous event. And this time, with advance notice, he was able to take a few days off and come out to join in. I think it really made a difference to him.</p>

<p>Anyway, we realized that there are no right or easy answers in how to help our distant kids go through things. In retrospect, I think S was kind of isolated at school because he was still getting to know people and was reluctant to talk about it much. I think it’s great, Ellen, that you know friends of your D who can be aware of your family’s situation and help support her. I also am glad you will be going to see her. You are obviously such a strong person, and have raised strong daughters!</p>

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<p>Ellen, Mini, my heart goes out to you and your family. Love and strength to you, you will be in my prayers, and on my prayer list. I’m glad you can go see her while you are still feeling fairly strong, it will be good for both of you.</p>

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<p>When Grandpa was given two weeks, my son immediately made reservations to get there at the weekend. In the meantime, he was able to talk about it all with his girlfriend who had just lost a grandparent. He talked to profs and got out of a few classes to be able to come. Grandpa died before he got there; but, he was able to be with Grandma and family for a few days. He was not able to attend the memorial service the next weekend. He will spend Thanksgiving with Grandma. And I am glad he was able to participate with the family in the death of his very important mentor, his grandpa. This would have all been harder if it had been his first year away. He had a little more maturity to make plans, deal with it and generally cope and had developed a large network of buddies as well.</p>

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<p>Ellen my thoughts and prayers are with you as well. I was diagnosed about five weeks ago and it’s created chaos in terms of my daughter’s college choices because we have an 8-year old and daughter says that if I’m not here or capable no one else should care for him but her. Anyway, if you feel up to it all, try to go to Italy. I guess my only pathetic advice is to make the best of each day, however you can. Good luck and God bless you.</p>

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<p>Zoosermom: I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and am wishing you and your family the strength to get through this. Maybe come late April you will have a much better picture about how your treatments are making you feel and your daughter can make a better informed decision. Possibly she could apply to some of her favorites now with the thought of going if everything turns out great. I’m sure you have already thought of this but just wanted to share. And “the best of each day” is advice we all need to hear over and over again. I wish you well.</p>

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<p>Oh, Zoos, prayers and strength to you, too!</p>

<p>I hate cancer, but you and Ellen have very good attitudes. Please take care of yourself, meditate and visualize yourself well and healthy. </p>

<p>I wish you both well, as you embark on your treatments.</p>

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<p>Thank you for the kind words, they are much appreciated. I am unbelievably fortunate in that mine was caught very early and is not an aggressive form. The only kink in the works for me is that I also have an autoimmune disease which complicates things a teeny bit. We lost a close relative from breast cancer in April. She left behind an 11 year old, a 9 year old and a six year old. I know that I’m going to be just fine and my daughter will go to the best college she is accepted at. I’m praying hard for Ellen, though. Even though we don’t know each other, I’ll really be pulling for her and hoping to hear good news.</p>

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<p>

That ain’t pathetic advice, that’s the best advice anybody can give. Ladies (and gentlemen), y’all can all consider me your ugliest cheerleader :eek:. Kick its a$$, z-mom.</p>

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<p>I wish Ellen and Zoosermom and anyone else who is going through this the very best, too. I imagine there are some lurkers here who are in a similar situation and haven’t said anything yet. In reading this thread and others started by posters going through similar or comparable ordeals, I am really heartened by the supportiveness of this community. </p>

<p>I heard Elizabeth Edwards speak recently about drawing on a wide circle of support (in reference to her new book, Saving Graces), and I thought she was really inspiring in telling how she has dealt with a number of extremely difficult situations. Perhaps her book might be helpful.</p>

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<p>My thoughts and prayers are with Ellen and Zoosermom. My DH is a
cancer MD and my family has seen its share of cancer with family and friends. Mini, it is important to have something to look forward to in between your treatments especially if you are feeling well enough then and that includes a trip to Florence to see your D. If you do travel abroad, trip insurance and health insurance are both important (you can google for information on companies who do this). In addition perhaps your oncologist knows the name of an MD in Florence (or Rome) as well as the name of an English speaking hospital. DS who has diabetes backpacked in Europe this summer and ended up in a hospital in Rome where it was difficult for him to communicate with health care providers; his endocrinologist here gave us the name of a hospital there where everyone speaks English. I also purchased special travel health insurance for him through Medic Alert; if contacted they would locate English speaking providers mostly everywhere abroad and would help facilitate filling prescriptions, etc. You might explore this as an option.</p>

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<p>Ellen & zoosermom,
My daughters were much younger than yours when their dad had cancer, but I think the best thing that we did was (within reason) to keep them informed about what was going on and letting them help as much as possible. The strength and resilience of children is amazing and not to be underestimated. Ellen, I think it’s wonderful that you’re going to Italy, it will give your daughter a chance to take care of you. That will help her immensely in knowing that she is participating and helping you to get through this, particularly since she is far from home.</p>

<p>Both of you are in my thoughts, EM</p>

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<p>Hi Ellen,</p>

<p>While I have no experience with breast cancer myself, a very good friend of mine was diagnosed two years ago. While every case is of course different, and I have no idea of the specifics on yours compared to that of my friend, I took heart (and hope you and your family will) from the odds in favor of a cure. “… the 10-year survival rate is now about 75 percent and will no doubt climb with the new treatments…” - from <a href=“http://www.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/050613/13breast.htm[/url]”>http://www.usnews.com/usnews/health/articles/050613/13breast.htm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I feel I know you a bit from mini (the H) postings and writings and I also have a Smithie D (who just graduated but was on campus with your D for a while). </p>

<p>Anyhow, my friend did great - had a lumpectomy, was able to keep working full-time around her chemo treatments, etc. Better yet, she is doing wonderfully now – and if anything the experience gave her and her family an even more intense appreciation of life and each other. As a matter of fact, the year after her treatment they took a family trip – to Italy!</p>

<p>By the way, my friend’s new hair came in more beautiful than ever!</p>

<p>I would tell your D to take comfort in knowing that the odds are greatly in your favor and also assume that your family’s healthy lifestyle, research capabilities and general life skills will bolster your odds of a positive outcome even more. </p>

<p>Please do keep us posted. I am glad you came here for support.</p>

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<p>zoosermom and memie - I’m so sorry to hear of your diagnoses too! Gosh I just HATE cancer with a vengeance. I hope you will both keep us up to date as you make your way through this toughest of times.</p>

<p>Ellen - how are you feeling today?? I keep thinking of my friend telling me that her worst days were day 2 and 3 after a chemo round and I’m wondering if you are having your tough days right now. Mini - how’s she doing?</p>

<p>[Mom update - Hope it’s okay to put this here, rather than start a new thread for such a brief item. Just got back from the hospital, surgery went well. Lymph nodes appear clear, pathology reports to come. Of course, my mother had to come up with an exotic complication…everytime the surgeon went after the lymph node in her armpit with the Bovie, her heart stopped. Flatlined. They had to juice her up with adrenaline to compensate. The surgeon came out of surgery pretty freaked because she had never encountered such a thing. So my mom gets an extra day or two to now be a cardiology patient. All is well though, she is not in any danger…it’s just a curious thing that needs investigating.] </p>

<p>Prayers, good vibes, cheerleading curmudgeon-styled, etc… for all of you who are dealing or loves someone who is dealing with this awful disease…</p>

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<p>My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 11 years ago, on Christmas Eve. (Her D. was a college freshman, out of state). Sister is doing well today, with no return of the cancer, despite having initially been told (based on the lymph node involvement) that she had only a 20% chance of making 5 years. I am officially sending you some of her mojo and moxie, along with all the other prayers and good vibes you’ve gotten.</p>

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<p>“Ellen - how are you feeling today?? I keep thinking of my friend telling me that her worst days were day 2 and 3 after a chemo round and I’m wondering if you are having your tough days right now. Mini - how’s she doing?”</p>

<p>First of all, thank you all for your good wishes, prayrer and thoughts. They are much appreciated.</p>

<p>The weekend was, shall we say, interesting. Saturday wasn’t terrible. In fact, Ellen went out with d2 and a friend, and bought a wig, which made her happy. (Big issue - she isn’t into costuming, and the first wig place last Wednesday just assumed that she was looking for the most “stylish” as opposed to it feeling “functional” and “right”.) Some nausea, and ups and downs, but all manageable. She went for a Neulasta shot first thing in the morning, and we even made an appearance at “Dinner Done Right”, where the gymnastics booster club was preparing dinners for us. (Now the freezer is full, but I like to cook, and who knows when we’ll ever eat this stuff?) Friends came over and watched the OSU/Michigan game while she slept.</p>

<p>Sunday was more “interesting”. 8:30 in the morning I would have sworn had we not known exactly what to look for, we would have gone to the emergency room. But the docs and nurses had given us very specific instructions of when to worry and when not to. By 9 o’clock, she was at the kitchen table slowly eating toast. At 9:30, she was e-mailing like crazy. At 10:00, it was almost like she wanted to clean the house! (a rare thing, even when not sick!) Took the dogs for a little walk. Then took a 10 minute nap. And off we went to Quaker Meeting. (We had a presentation on Islam by some friends of ours.) I had cooked “chole” (an Indian chickpea dish - our friend is from Chennai. But it was all eaten before he got there!) Another friend made Palestinian lemon and lentil soup, and Ellen ate doubles! Arranged a buzz cut with the Meeting barber. I stayed for the presentation. She went home, took a nap, then we both went off to D2’s gymnastics meet. She made it all the way through. Talked to lots of people. Then she came home and collapsed on the couch. Nausea up and down, but always controllable (I have the drug thing timed.) Then we took the dogs for a walk. </p>

<p>Today, lots of up and down. Many med appts and miscellaneous. Lots of phone calls. U.S. Air gave us better seats (at least going out) in an exit row. And then, at 5:30 we both went to the gym!!! She did 25 minutes on the elliptical trainer (slow speed, little resistance). I played squash, and pulled a calf muscle. Go figure. Then she felt horrible. But a little food and much better. (That was a general theme - when she felt least like eating, a little food always seemed to make things better.)</p>

<p>Tomorrow, she is planning to work some as a hospice nurse. She doesn’t have to - she wants to; she is actually doing an admit for a friend’s mother. </p>

<p>So it feels like three weeks went by in three days. We really can handle it. We are even planning an oyster dish for Thanksgiving - she says she doesn’t know if she can eat it, but I pointed out it is three days a way, which feels like half a century!</p>

<p>david</p>