<p>Wow, I’m not sure where to start, but I guess I’m looking for advice on how much information to share with DD#2 who is away at college. I don’t want her to worry or distract her from her studies, but selfishly I want my children close to me. She’s a freshman taking a difficult course load and gets hardly any sleep as it is. D#3 is a 15 year old at home and D#1 is attending college locally. Though D#1 is in her own apartment, she frequently comes home just to chat or have dinner which is nice. She even cut class to come home and clean the house right before I went into the hospital. This all came down the end of January while D#2 was off on an overseas trip during her semester break. I had a mastectomy a few weeks ago and she came home for 48 hours the weekend after, but likely she will not be able to get home again until April. She’s calling much more often and she’s already decided not to seek an internship with a professor on campus this summer. I feel guilty that she’s not pursuing this so she can be home, but selfishly can’t help but be happy that my children will all be together with me this summer. I’m also a bit concerned that she has shared only with a few friends what is going on. I understand her desire not to want anyone to feel sorry for her, but I also think she is going to need support as time goes on, especially if it starts to interfere with her ability to study. I don’t want to call too often, share too much, or worry her needlessly. But I also don’t want to lie and say things are great when I’m sick from chemo. She’ll probably get the scoop from her older sister anyway, so I’m probaby obsessing over this needlessly. Any words of advice about how any others might have handled this? It’s after 1 am and I’m starting back to work tomorrow, so I likely wont’ be able to check this post until tomorrow afternoon, but thanks for any input. My 15 year old would say I’ve had a sucky month. I tend to agree.</p>
<p>Get well and enjoy your summer with your daughters.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>My daughter’s good friend, who is also a National Merit Finalist, chose her colleges so that she could be close to her mom during chemo therapy. I think this is good for mother and daughter.</p>
<p>Sending you warmest wishes for an easy recovery.
Have you considered joining an Internet or local group for cancer survivors? I imagine that you could connect with other moms who could give you good advice on how best to handle your situation with yoru daughters.</p>
<p>You also could use the free telephone counseling offered by the Lance Armstrong Foundation: “LIVESTRONG SurvivorCare offers one-on-one counseling services, help with financial, employment or insurance concerns and information about your treatment options and connecting to new treatments in development.
Submit your request for help online or call 1-866-235-7205”</p>
<p>My mother was diagnosed with invasive lobular carcinoma right before my junior year. I was 15, and I had an older sister in her first year in college. Our situations sound similar (though I’m speaking from the other side!). </p>
<p>First of all, you are allowed to be a little selfish! There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be home with your girls. I’m sure your older daughter can find an internship near home, a summer job, or a place to volunteer. Spending this summer at home won’t hurt her at all. I think you should take cues from your daughter about how much information she wants. If she tends to ask questions or sound curious, feel free to give long answers. You can email her with specifics if you would rather not talk with her about it directly. The fact that she’s told a couple close friends is good. A lot of college students have a few really good friends and then lots of other friends who aren’t as close. She might just feel as if she’s told everyone who needs to know. A lot of college students don’t talk very much about their home lives, either. In high school, kids see each other’s parents, so home life is a more major part of conversation. In college, friends don’t know each other’s families much at all, so it doesn’t come up as often. She may feel awkward telling people if she doesn’t talk about her family much.</p>
<p>It’s hard for D2 because she’s not with you, so she doesn’t really know what’s going on. It was strange because I was living at home so knew my mother’s chemo schedule, knew which days she took off work, was chosen over my father to administer shots, was at home for multiple surgeries, heard my mother’s phone conversations with friends and relatives, and all the rest. My sister had never seen my mother without hair until we went to visit her at college one weekend. On the other hand, my mother told my sister details about what was going on, and the two of us never talked about it. Part of that I’m sure is the way I “handled” the situation (which would be, not at all!). My mother treated both of us differently because we’re very different people. I am a very curious person, but I learned all of the non-practical details by listening in on her phone conversations because I avoid serious/emotional conversations like the plague, while my sister doesn’t have a problem with them.</p>
<p>It sounds as if you are doing just fine with them. Hopefully you will be cured by summer, and you can really enjoy it. If not, it will still be so nice to have your daughters home. There is certainly no need for you to feel guilty that your second daughter wants to spend time with you! Best of luck on a healthy, smooth, and quick recovery.</p>
<p>Corranged, thank you. You seem wise and caring. You’re right in that my daughter has a few close friends and many that are not quite as close. Some of her suite mates came here for Thanksgiving. They are wonderful girls and will support her should she choose to share with them what’s going on. Like your mom leaned on you, I’m sure I will lean on my oldest since she is closer to home and involved in what’s going on. I miss D#2 desperately and am trying NOT to let her know it. Each day gets a little easier as we get used to a “new normal”. I know she’s just a freshman, but she was so excited about possibly working with a prof in nano-technology this summer. I hope there will be other opportunities for her.</p>
<p>Northstarmom, I have posted on a bc message board, but only questions about the type of cancer, current treatments, clinical trials, etc. I thought the folks here on parents cafe might have more insight on keeping long distance parent/child relationships healthy in this situation. </p>
<p>Thanks also for the Lance Armstrong resource. I just received my first insurance letter saying they wouldn’t pay the full amount because I didn’t do something right (I"m not sure what). Found out from one of my docs that the CEO of my HMO made $37 million last year. It just doesn’t seem right.</p>
<p>Ohmother,</p>
<p>Sending huggs and good wishes your way for a speedy recovery</p>
<p>Echoing sybbie with good wishes.</p>
<p>To a certain extent, I would let your D take the lead on how she would want to handle it at school. To some (including me), having people constantly ask “How are you?” or “How’s your mom?” is wearing and distracting. Having a safe place where I can quit thinking about it for awhile is a good thing for me. Otherwise, I’d fall apart. Your D might be the same.</p>
<p>" I know she’s just a freshman, but she was so excited about possibly working with a prof in nano-technology this summer. I hope there will be other opportunities for her."</p>
<p>Anyone who is such an outstanding student that as a freshman she’s being offered such opportunities will also get such opportunities later. It is rare for freshmen to get such offers.</p>
<p>If there is a university in commuting distance in your area, she also may be able to get a local research opportunity. I suggest that she tell her campus prof why she’s turning down the opportunity and ask the professor’s advice and assistance in finding an opportunity near her hometown. Even if she can’t do nanotechnology in your hometown, she may be able to do some other kind of scientific research. Her campus professor also may be wiling to offer her a fall research opportunity. There may even be ways she can get course credit for it.</p>
<p>Please don’t feel that you’re being selfish by wanting your D home. Both you and your D are fortunate that she’s at a stage in her life where she can come home to be with you while you recover from cancer. I’ve had several friends whose mothers got cancer, but were not able to spend much time with their mother because of work and family obligations.</p>
<p>Your brush with death is providing an opportunity for the two of you to be close in a way that many never are with their moms because so many of us deny until it’s too late to connect the fact that death and serious illness can come to anyone at any time. Consequently, many people don’t appreciate until it’s too late the preciousness of being able to spend time with loved ones. Mothers don’t pass on interesting family stories. Neither expresses to the other how much they care about each other. </p>
<p>I am glad that you are checking out the Lance Armstrong resources. I know that they can help with things like insurance problems as well as more personal concerns. </p>
<p>Here’s a list of more resources.
Susan B. Komen for the Cure web site and hotline dedicated to breast cancer information and support: 1-800-I’m Aware; <a href=“http://cms.komen.org/komen/index.htm[/url]”>http://cms.komen.org/komen/index.htm</a></p>
<p>Pink Link on-line breast cancer support network: <a href=“Breast Cancer Support powered by Pink-Link”>Breast Cancer Support powered by Pink-Link;
<p>Sisters Network Inc., a National African American breast cancer survivorship organization: <a href=“http://www.sistersnetworkinc.org/chapter_mtgs.asp[/url]”>http://www.sistersnetworkinc.org/chapter_mtgs.asp</a></p>
<p>Y-ME National Organization for breast cancer information and support: 24-hour hotlines:
1-800-221-2141, English; 1-800-986-9505, Spanish <a href=“http://www.y-me.org%5B/url%5D”>www.y-me.org</a></p>
<p>In looking at this site, this book seemed to be very inspirational: “Heart and Soul: What It Takes to Promote Health While Confronting Cancer" (Fresh Squeezed Books, LLC, 2003) by Janet Laurel, M.A. and Amber Dahlin, Ph. D. Author Janet Laurel survived at least seven years with breast cancer that resulted in a double mastectomy. <a href=“http://www.freshsqueezedbooks.net/products/heartsoul_review01.php[/url]”>http://www.freshsqueezedbooks.net/products/heartsoul_review01.php</a></p>
<p>A commercially-sponsored interactive (Nexcura is the sponsor) tool providing information about treatment options, side effects: <a href=“https://www.cancerprofiler.nexcura.com/Secure/InterfaceSecure.asp?CB=25086[/url]”>https://www.cancerprofiler.nexcura.com/Secure/InterfaceSecure.asp?CB=25086</a></p>
<p>–
There also are at least two moms here who recently were diagnosed with breast cancer. One was Mini’s wife. I hope they, too, will respond to your post because breast cancer is so prevalent (about one in four women will get it) that the thoughts on this thread would be useful to many people.</p>
<p>Although you haven’t expressed concern for yourself, I want to say that I have several friends who are recovering from breast cancer.
One had a double mastectomy 7 years ago with no recurrence of any cancer. She was about 50 when diagnosed.
Another had a double mastectomy more than 5 years ago with no recurrence. She also was about 50 when diagnosed.
An acquaintance who is a journalist with kids ranging from 3-11 has survived breast cancer at least 3 years and also is doing well, no recurrence.
My therapist had a double mastectomy several years ago. She has teen-age kids, and she is doing well.
For 2 consecutive years, the presidents of the parent organization at my sons’ high school were women who were diagnosed with breast cancer just after being voted president. One has survived now 9 years, and seems to be doing well, still working, looks good when I have seen her at events. The other now is 4 years past diagnosis, and also still is working. </p>
<p>Anyway, I hope that hearing about such people gives you hope. Those are just some of the breast cancer survivors whom I know.</p>
<p>One caveat that I should mention about your kids: One never knows how they’ll react. One of my friend’s daughters, who was in high school when her mom, a single parent, was diagnosed, never seemed to consider the seriousness of her mother’s diagnosis. The D continued with the usual self centered teen concerns. I also had a college friend whose mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when my friend was 13, who never seemed to think of how serious her mom’s disease was (Interestingly, her mom never had a recurrence, and lived until she was at least in her 70s.). This was back in the days in which cancer of any kind was typically fatal.</p>
<p>So, you may or may not have Kodak moments with your Ds depending on their personalities, maturity and ways of facing problems. This behavior may have absolutely nothing to do with the depth of their love for you or your parenting skills.</p>
<p>Sending warm thoughts and prayers to you.</p>
<p>OhMother~</p>
<p>Just wanting to send some {{{{{gentle hugs}}}}} your way and to let you know that I’m wishing you the best as you continue your recovery process. I am also one of those who hesitates to burden my kids with excess worry, so I do understand your feelings on this. It sounds like you have truly wonderful and amazing daughters who will be with you every step of the way, whether they are right there with you physically or with you emotionally from afar. Often, each child has her own special way of dealing with/processing events such as these. You have to look to each individual child to determine how best to approach the situation. </p>
<p>Please accept my best wishes for a rapid and full recovery. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>RE the kids, IMO this is one of those times when a mom need not feel guilty making her own needs a priority. Whatever will help you get through is good.</p>
<p>One of the silver linings that comes with a challenge such as this is experiencing how family and friends rise to the occasion.</p>
<p>Here are some additional support websites:
<a href=“http://www.breastcancer.org/[/url]”>http://www.breastcancer.org/</a>
<a href=“Johns Hopkins Breast Center”>Johns Hopkins Breast Center;
<p>I will PM you with more.</p>
<p>Best wishes for your treatment and future.</p>
<p>OhMother, Please check your PM - there is a problem with CC for me today, and my post to you kept getting erased, but somehow the PM seemed to go through! </p>
<p>Best wishes for your total and complete recovery and HUGS!</p>
<p>OhMother - Sending my prayers and good vibes your way too. I worried about my d since she is so close to my mother who is in the middle of the same battle. I’m tend to serve as a bit of buffer when things have been rough, but the 1200 miles separating them can be difficult too. I think the worst of it for her was between Thanksgiving and Christmas when we were having such a hard time with misdiagnosis and surgery complications. She was there and not able to see for herself that things were okay. Now that the mastectomy is complete and the chemo has started and there is an established routine, coping seems to come a little easier. But my d does hate being there and not being able to see her Gammie. So don’t feel guilty about your daughter being with you this summer; she’s doing it as much for herself as for you. </p>
<p>Btw… I don’t know if you have started chemo yet, but mom is handling it very well so far. The Zofran is a miracle drug. I know it is early and the effects seem to accumulate, but we are so grateful she hasn’t been very sick at all. (Her regimen will include 12 weekly taxol chemos which are mild and then 4-6 big chemos to be taken every 3 weeks. Those big chemos will have more severe side effects, but my friend handled those very well with the Zofran too. So far, the doc thinks no radiation which means she will be able to have implants instead of a flap procedure.)</p>
<p>Please keep us posted how you are doing with your treatments and how your kids are handling things.</p>
<p>OhMother, I know everything feels pretty “raw” right now. We “did this” 7 years ago when the three kids were much younger, so maybe a much different approach was required. I didn’t want to disrupt their lives any more than necessary, and quite honestly that focus sort of helped me keep my focus! While I would do some things differently, I’d probably still prefer to have the kids continue with their usual “stuff” (one in on the opposite coast for college and the next one heads that way in the fall). But my perspective is skewed by the knowledge that I handled treatments extremely well and here I am 7 years later, NED.</p>
<p>Each child is going to respond differently to this kind of situation (each of mine sure did). Your family will have to figure out the best way for each of you to deal with this individually AND as a family unit to support you and get through it. I wouldn’t worry too much about a daughter who doesn’t seem to be sharing too much right now with friends. It’s a lot for a daughter to take in, too (and there are implications to consider). Give her time to process. </p>
<p>Now if I can add a note about treatment. Don’t go into chemo convinced you are going to get sick. Positive attitude and great drugs can make all the difference. Seriously, you don’t have to suffer. A good oncologist will make sure of that. </p>
<p>My thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement. Also for the links, Northstarmom. Some I’ve been to, some are new. I also thank you for the advice to look at the local university. There are some internships that are available with application deadlines in early March. I thought that they would be restricted to students of the local university, but they are evidently open to any college student with the right courses and interests. God has blessed me in so many ways through this whole thing and perhaps this is just one more - an opportunity for my daughter to be at home and work in something she would be passionate about right here in our own backyard. Thank you all for your wisdom. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, it can get stomped on sometimes, but also filled to overflowing by people I don’t even know. I think that the best course of action is to keep my daughter informed of treatment, but she doesn’t need to know every time I shed a tear or have a bad day.</p>
<p>OhMother, my prayers are with you. </p>
<p>I know how much you want to shield your children from any hurt and you don’t want to “burden” them; however, as others have said, you do not need to feel guilt for wanting them near you. Please try to not think of this time as a hardship for them! I suspect there will be many, many sweet moments and memories made during your time together that you ALL will treasure for many years to come.</p>
<p>Blessings to you and yours…</p>
<p>Let’s see if I can get through this . . .</p>
<p>I was diagnosed just over 6 years ago. My daughter was a freshman in high school and my Son was in the 6th grade. I ran a day care out of my home.</p>
<p>A few “words of advice”. First, chemo is a lot better than it used to be. They have the nausea under control. I never threw up. Fatigue will be your big problem. At least your big problem physically. I ran my day care during chemo, attended church committee meetings, didn’t miss a baseball game or track meet. Much of our life was very normal, at least for the first 4 (out of 8) treatments. The last half of treatment was a different drug, plus my body had been doing this for 16 weeks. Toward the end, I got to where I was too tired to do the grocery shopping by myself, and Husband took over a lot of the evening chores. </p>
<p>Next, you will (probably) find that the emotional problems are much, much worse than the physical ones. Someone who had been through it once told me that, physically, her C-Sections were worse than her mastectomy. Depending on whether you have reconstruction and what kind of reconstruction. But the emotional aspects of all of this are difficult. Note to everyone reading this: Never ever ever ever tell someone “it’s only hair. It’ll grow back”.</p>
<p>Finally, each person, each kid, and each family deals with all of this differently. I dealt with it by building a huge emotional wall around myself. As long as I dealt with the chemo business-like, I could ignore it. And to this day, I still doesn’t dig around in my feelings a lot regarding this. (Some of this may not make sense to everyone, but I’m not going to spend a lot of time re-reading what I wrote.) My kids did not make a big deal about my situation. I think to them, if they treated me differently, then there was something wrong. My daughter calls it the “Dietrich Denial”.</p>
<p>My kids were younger than yours are. And as I said, every situation is different. </p>
<p>Two more comments – #1 Don’t call me a “survivor”. Chemo was nothing compared to my Daughter’s adolescent years! THAT I survived!</p>
<h1>2 If you have radiation, be sure to get a thyroid test afterwards. Several of the women in my on-line support group developed thyroid problems afterwards, including myself. Oncology told me that it wasn’t because of the radiation. But I had a thyroid test in June, radiation in July, and had developed thyroid problems by November.</h1>
<p>If you, or anyone else, has questions, please ask, either here or PM. </p>
<p>Peg</p>
<p>Thanks, Peggy. Though this is all new to me, I think I understand and empathize. Many have said that I seem to be handling this well and I “look good”. My response is, it beats the alternative. You really don’t know how you will respond to a situation until faced with it. My Dad used to say when you’re riding your bike and there’s a mountain in front of you, don’t look at the mountain, just keep your head down and pedal. I guess that is my response to this. Just tell me what I need to do next, don’t talk to me about 10 year mortality rates. </p>
<p>I loved your comment about being a “survivor” of the adolescent years. Definitely, parenting is much harder than what I’m facing - thus the reason for this post originally. Glad things are going well for you - you’re past the magical 5 year mark!</p>
<p>
I just finished delivering a plant and some brownies to the house of a friend who who has breast cancer. She called last night to tell me about it, and that she was having surgery today. I truly appreciate comments like the above quote, because if we’ve never been there ourselves, we don’t know what is okay to say and what isn’t.</p>