<p>I have a dilemma and need some unbiased opinions! My son is getting married in August to a wonderful young woman. We love her dearly and are excited to have her join our family. The wedding is going to be held in the bride’s hometown which is several hundred miles away from where we live. We don’t know her family very well and have only met her parents once.</p>
<p>My son told me over the weekend that none of his fiance’s bridesmaids, friends, or family members are planning to have a bridal shower for her. I was a little surprised to hear this because she comes from a very large family with many, many female aunts and cousins.</p>
<p>I’ve thought about hosting a bridal shower myself for our side of the family but I’m torn. On the one hand, I feel sad that no one in her hometown is throwing her a shower and want her to have one. On the other hand, everyone in our family is already spending hundreds of dollars to fly/drive to the bride’s hometown, stay in a hotel for two nights, and buy a wedding gift. I don’t feel entirely comfortable asking them to spend even more money to buy a shower gift, too. </p>
<p>I’ve also thought about hosting an “engagement” party instead of a shower and telling everyone “no gifts” but in our family everyone would still bring gifts even if we told them not to. They would be horrified at the thought of not bringing a gift. That’s just the way things are done around here!</p>
<p>I’m leaning toward not giving her a shower and spending more on their wedding gift. Would it be a terrible breach of etiquette if I didn’t give her a shower?</p>
<p>A few years back when my sister was planning her second wedding and the B&G had household items in duplicate already, I ‘hosted’ a remote recipe shower (I live far from the couple and had small children).
I purchased a recipe box and matching recipe cards, wrote a cute rhyming poem inviting the guests to send me a favorite recipe(s) that the couple could have in their collection and would remember them fondly when serving.</p>
<p>Received many complements on the idea and now my sister has treasured recipes from some deceased friends and family.</p>
<p>No - it’s not your obligation to give the bridal shower. Weddings are so expensive, and if all of your family is traveling to attend the wedding, then that should be your focus. Perhaps you could have a little celebration brunch with family members who are unable to attend, or do something creative or sentimental, like creating an “advice for a happy marriage” book from family (assuming you have family with some happy marriages). </p>
<p>No need for any guilty feelings. Not having a bridal shower really isn’t the worst thing that can happen.
And frankly, it is thoughtful of you to consider the expenses that your family (relatives) will have regarding travel. Travel is expensive! </p>
<p>You mention that you don’t know her family well. There may be a good reason why they are not throwing her a bridal shower. Best to let it rest. </p>
<p>Maybe she’s told her family and friends that she doesn’t want a shower. </p>
<p>My son’s wedding is next summer. Like yours, it’s in the bride’s hometown, so our family and friends will be doing the traveling. I’m also trying to be considerate of all the additional expenses those guests will incur. I have no idea if her sisters or friends will throw her a shower, but if they don’t, I can’t imagine that I would instead.</p>
<p>The recipe shower is fun–we had one for my D. We had an actual party–at the home of a good friend, She put on note on the invitations asking people to bring a recipe and a kitchen gadget under $10. It was such a fun party and the recipes were amazing–lots of family favorites with great stories behind them. A friend of mine is a graphic designer and she put the shower recipes and photos from that day into a book. (It was her wedding present for D.)</p>
<p>My son and DIL were married last summer and they intentionally did not have or want a shower. They were already living together and felt that they had all of the necessities that they needed. They didn’t want friends feel obliged to buy presents knowing that they would undoubtedly be giving some kind of wedding gift. I don’t think young people are as into showers as we were in our day. </p>
<pre><code> In your situation, where your son’s friends and family live several hundred miles away, an engagement party is an option, but a second reception in your home town a week or so after the wedding might be another idea you could throw their way. Friends of ours did this for their son and DIL who were married on the opposite coast, and it allowed those of us close to the groom (but maybe not close enough to be invited nor to want to fly out) to be a part of the celebration. The reception invitations went out about the same time as the official wedding/reception invites, so people on our coast felt included in the celebration, and the couple attended, which gave friends here the chance to meet the bride. But before you do anything at all…anything… be sure to clear it with the bride and groom first. They may have definite thoughts about what they do and don’t want. And if they like the idea, be sure to run it by the MIB as well either directly or through the DIL so that no feelings are hurt and you’re not stepping on anyone’s toes.
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<p>As mother of the groom, our role is small, but important. But nothing is as important as maintaining your relationship with your son and FDIL!! Tread lightly.</p>
<p>What does your son say? Is FDIL sad/bemused that no one seems interested in throwing a shower or does she not want one/thinks it’s old fashioned/everyone is already spending too much money/fuss? </p>
<p>My understanding is that it would not appropriate to host the shower, because that is like asking for presents for your own child. It’s optional for friends,co-workers, friends of the family, or members of the bridal party to throw a shower, but not a requirement. </p>
<p>You could certainly throw an engagement party, where no gifts are expected because it is supposed to be the place where people hear about the engagement for the first time. These days, that’s rarely the case, of course.</p>
<p>While the recipe idea is a lovely idea in certain circumstances, I think you really have to know and be sensitive to the inclinations and preferences of both the shower guests AND the guest of honor. I’m probably a curmudgeon, but as a guest I do not like it when I’m asked to contribute this kind of thing. Truth be told, I can purchase a reasonable gift with one-click on Amazon in about five minutes; requests to bring a recipe or a page for a scrapbook or even a written memory stress me out. I’d rather just get a gift! And, for the recipient, there are now so many sources for professionally developed and tested recipes on the web that I think there is less need to rely on these kinds of compilations. Perhaps it is a reflection of the culinary talents of the folks in my family, but I trust Alice Waters or the folks at America’s Test Kitchen more than my Great Aunt Frances (or whoever) when it comes to recipes. </p>
<p>Where you know the recipient has sentimental attachments to old family recipes, and you know the shower guests have a hankering to share the recipes, it is a thoughtful gesture. This is less likely to be the case where the groom’s side is collecting recipes for the bride-to-be. But it might be a nice gift to present to the groom-to-be, especially if he enjoys cooking!</p>
<p>This is not meant to be a criticism of those who have done this, but just a reminder that the idea might not work equally well in all circumstances. </p>
<p>I think it would be odd and inappropriate for you to host a shower, though it is very sweet to consider that. But you should talk to your son and find out if she’s not having a shower because she specifically requested not to have one. If not, I think it’s his job to call a couple of her closest friends and ask if they can arrange one, even a small one with just her best buddies. I think I had maybe, 4-5 friends at mine? They all gave me inappropriate clothing from Victoria’s Secret (or maybe Fredericks of Hollywood) that unfortunately (or maybe it’s fortunately) for my husband, I have never worn once!</p>
<p>Come to think of it, maybe she’s not missing much on the shower…though we had a blast. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life!</p>
<p>Traditionally family doesn’t get to host showers so you can stop feeling guilty! I personally love the idea of a recipe shower and would not be insulted if someone photocopied a Joy of Cooking recipe. But I suppose one could do a recipe/under $10 item for the recipe challenged! I had the world’s smallest shower - the four women in our Caltech eating group. The shared the cost of a waffle iron and we went to the local Pie 'n Burger for lunch. I think all the new elaborate shower traditions make people scared to give one.</p>
<p>I didn’t have a shower and didn’t want one, having lived on my own for a number of years. My idea of a shower was old-fashioned: small gifts only, not wedding present level items. I think that the kind of elaborate shower with very expensive presents that people are being encouraged to give now are nothing but tasteless gift grabs. Maybe she doesn’t want a shower.</p>
<p>I admit I am a curmudgeon when it comes to this bridal events. The bachelorette parties alone!!</p>
<p>If you want to have a nice party to introduce the bride to local friends either before or after the wedding, that would be nice. It should be clear that it is not a gifting event. And you should run it by the couple first.</p>
<p>I would ask your Son if your FDIL would like a shower. If so, perhaps he can enlist one of the attendants to throw one in your hometown, with your help. I think a wedding is a big event and I would feel badly if the bride wanted a a shower but no one threw one. </p>
<p>Think of it this way…without a shower, there will actually be gifts on their registry for wedding guests to purchase. Most of the showers I’ve been to in the last few years have had gifts that used to be wedding gifts, silver, china, crystal, exoensive appliances (kitchen aid mixer for example). I’ve looked on registries to get gifts…but after all the showers (some brides have several)…there usually is nothing left!</p>
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