When I was a young bride-to-be (AKA The Dark Ages!), it was considered in poor taste/‘tacky’ for the bride’s mother/sister to host her bridal shower. That seems to be a thing of the past. Not sure I like it but guess I don’t really get a vote! What other wedding-related things have evolved/changed in our lifetimes? Which of these are regional traditions as opposed to actual etiquette (ie: from Emily Post) ?
I don’t have any problem with the bride’s mother or sister hosting a shower. Usually the bride’s mother has the resources or large enough home to do so. Often the bride’s mother offers the house, but the bridesmaids do the planning.
Changed traditions? Hmmm…nothing that makes me crazy. So much can be done online now…and that does streamline the operation.
Back in the Stone Age, the wedding was the wedding itself and nothing else. No night before party…no day after brunch. No goodie bags in hotels for out of town guests (we aren’t doing those). No buses between hotels, ceremony, reception.
Lots more “logistics” for some weddings now.
Destination weddings. All my friends who were invited to such complained about the cost.
The cost of being a bridesmaid. Back in the Stone Age, I bought dresses for two, in designated colors. Now, the gals are more restricted, usually. Then they have to contribute to the shower costs. Then there is the big party, sometimes in Vegas.
In the NY metro area the bridal shower is oftentimes held at a restaurant and most guests give what used to be the wedding gift, and at the wedding you give a check equal to your plate.
My niece set up her registry in a way that several people can put a dollar amt towards a gift. So, for example, 5 friends can chip in whatever amount they’d like toward a gift. Makes it more affordable for the bride and grooms friends. Weddings are very expensive for these young people to attend these days.
Amongst my friends and family, we’ve never been guided by the cost of the plate (which we could only estimate, anyway) - we’ve always chosen gifts from the registry, for either the shower or the wedding or both. When we do give a check, it’s usually for close friends or family members, to whom we’d want to be especially generous. This hasn’t changed in our circle.
I know that Emily Post disapproved of mothers or sisters hosting showers, because it looked too much like asking for gifts. I once tried explaining this to my grandmother. In our 300-plus generations of eastern European peasants, pretty much ONLY mothers or sisters have ever given showers unless the bride had no sisters, or her mom had died, in which case an aunt, cousin, or grandmother would step in. My grandmother was first mystified, then horrified, asking, “Who ELSE would do it?” She thought it was a ridiculous new-fangled notion 40 years ago. Though I know many still adhere to it, I’m happy to see mom/sister-given showers more accepted today.
Around here, putting registry information on an invitation (shower or wedding) used to be considered tacky, but i see it done most of the time now.
In my family Aunts and 1st cousins on MOB/MOG host the showers. We also are very spendy - around $500 per hostess for the party. We aren’t doing one for my niece who lives on the other coast, because too much of a hassle to get gifts back to where she lives and kind of silly to send her the gifts and have nothing to open at a shower. I don’t know what every one else is doing but I am giving her $1k for wedding gift to make up for not doing a shower.
My Aunts and several of my mom’s closest friends hosted my shower.
We never have a MOB/MOG host.
In H’s family very common for MOB/MOG or grandmother to host.
I always give a shower gift and check for wedding gift to my friend’s kids and anyone I’m not hosting for.
I grew up in the Midwest and never heard of an engagement party. Also there was typically only one shower for the bride for family/ friends and maybe one additional one at the brides place of work. Now there are engagement parties, multiple showers and couples showers. Last year I was invited to 4 events for one bride. I think that’s a lot.
When I was young it was typical for my sisters and me to have 2-3 showers, one hosted by our aunts, one hosted by grooms aunts and possibly one hosted by the bridesmaids. We have carried that on for my nieces by having the aunts host the showers.
I have not had anyone close to me have a shower hosted by a mom or sister, other than when a sister was a part of the bridal party and it was a bridesmaid shower.
@gclsports I usually see the couple’s wedding website on the invite now, and the registration info is one of the tabs on the website.
At first, I didn’t like wedding websites. But we had a niece marry last fall and it was so convenient to do everything online. Wedding invitations were semi-traditional, paper and mailed, but no response card was included; we RSVPd online (went to the site, typed in my name, and replied for H, S, D and myself individually). Quick and ecologically sound! Registry info, hotel info, including links to book, shuttle from airport, etc. were on their site. Less formal than I’m accustomed to, but probably easier for everyone.
It used to be taboo to invite someone to a shower and not invite that person to the wedding itself, but apparently that no longer applies.
Back in the dark ages (70s and 80s when all my friends got married), all the bridal showers were hosted by the mother of the bride (usually in a restaurant). It was tacky to be invited to a shower and not the wedding. Even big weddings (with hundreds of guests) were usually just a wedding (no rehearsal dinner, no breakfast the next day, no bachelorette party, etc.) There were a few engagement parties (but usually small - just immediate family). There was no big proposal set up (with family and friends present for the big “ask”). Nobody registered anything except maybe their china pattern (at Fortunoffs or Macys).
It was traditional for a shower for the bride to be at work (with small gifts and a cake) - unlike the “real” shower - all co-workers attended (male and female). I also don’t remember elaborate bachelor parties - usually a few guys went to a bar for a few drinks.
I didn’t have a bridal shower but if I did, my mom would’ve hosted it.
Why? My sister is not a part of my life really. I have no female cousins that I could reasonably call friends. Of my three aunts, one is a few years older than me and I don’t speak with her or her husband, one was in the middle of divorcing my uncle, and one is just broke. So no help there. And I got married shortly after college so none of my close female friends either A- lived around me or B- could fly in just to have a shower. My bridal party was living in England, Texas, and Florida at the time while I was in Michigan.
I’m so sick of the word “tacky” thrown around in regards to someone doing something someone else doesn’t like (not directed at you, OP. The biggest offender of it is no longer on CC but it still bugs me.)
That said, inviting to shower but not wedding is just downright rude. “Come give me a gift but no wedding for you!”
Based on my recent experience, thank you notes are now optional. I’m not a fan of this trend!
I could see having a shower with work mates and not being able to afford to invite them to the wedding. But I guess I’m thinking more along the lines of getting together in the conference room or a quick something after work and having the presents be inexpensive.
@musicmom1215 , I still think it is incredibly tacky, hurtful, and rude to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding. It’s basically telling them that their presents are good enough, but their presence isn’t. A friend suggested this for my daughter (her thought was that it would somehow “include” them), but I said absolutely not.
@melvin123 , why on earth would you ask for gifts from people who aren’t invited to the wedding?
I think work showers are not the same as ones hosted by the bridal party or family.
My workplace has a shower for everyone who is getting married. And the whole place is invited. Usually gifts are bought by groups. Food is appetizers and cake…and we share in the cost. It’s a nice event for,our staff, and the bride or groom. And lots of fun.
Often, only a few close friends are invited to the wedding…but it doesn’t matter. That’s not the point of a work shower.