What do you all think of having a reception a few weeks (or months) after a wedding when that wedding is an elopement or a very, very small guest list?
@Massmomm it’s not like it’s asking people for presents. It’s just a little good cheer and comradery, like what @thumper1 says. People oftentimes have them for baby showers too, whether it’s a mom or grandma. People don’t spend more than $20 and it’s nice to share a little bit in a milestone of someone’s life. With weddings receptions often costing $200- $300 per plate, it’s unrealistic to invite many people to the wedding. When I got married several people who I was friendly with showed up to the church ceremony just to wish me well, which was really lovely of them.
@bajamm I think that’s fine. There’s a lot of reasons why people might not be invited to a wedding.
Then again, I don’t think much of the weddings themselves. Mine was all of about 5 minutes but the reception was all night. IMO, the point of guests is to celebrate with you. A party in honor of the wedding (reception) is just fine.
@juniebug I agree with you. We’ve attended three weddings in the past two years, and we have not received one thank you note (I checked our bank account - checks were cashed within 10 days of each wedding).
I think having a party later…with family and friends to celebrate a marriage is fine.
We tried to convince DD to do that. Small family wedding…and than a party later on. She was not convinced!
Less formality in the actual conducting of the wedding–for instance–non-matching bridesmaids dresses (like, in my D’s case, she told them to wear any dress they wanted.). Women on the groom’s side, men on the bride’s, in some cases. Graceful individuality seems to be the norm, at least in the weddings my kids have held and been a part of .
At the place where I worked until a few months ago, we had showers for both brides and grooms. Also baby showers for both mothers and fathers.
Two of my close friends hosted a shower for my daughter—it was held at a local museum that had an outdoor tea room. I paid for the food—didn’t want my friends to do it. They paid for a cake and champagne and sent the invitations.
I agree that it can get expensive to be in a wedding. I went to four weddings in the last year and all of them had multiple events. My younger D was in one of the weddings—engagement party was at the bride’s father’s home in Boston, shower was in bride’s hometown (outside of Boston), bachelorette party in Newport, RI, and wedding in Vermont. It was a destination wedding—so events for the weekend were all held at the same inn.
I agree, the workplace shower is pretty obligatory – hard to actually say no when they say they are doing it (or might even surprise the person). But everyone at work does not expect to be invited in most workplaces.
All the talk about bridal showers, but it seems to me that they are dying out. Most people marry older and have plenty of stuff, probably too much stuff. My D decided not to have one. She did have a fun weekend with her bridesmaids. That seems to be a new thing.
Different regions of the country and different cultures certainly have different traditions. As much as Miss Manners might gently disapprove, her way has never been the only way. Except when it comes to thank you notes! I’ve never not gotten one.
^^I don’t know, @greenwitch. The first of my friend group is getting married. She’s the oldest by several years at 32 and we asked if we could host a bridal shower for her and she happily accepted.
Actually, Miss Manners is very different than Emily Post. Miss Manners is pretty chill with most things as long as you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings and you try to make everyone comfortable.
Back in the dark ages, a good friend hosted a shower for me. My wedding was tiny, however, and none of the guests at the shower were invited to the wedding. I don’t remember feeling uncomfortable about it but in retrospect I realize it could be perceived as a gift grab.
The Emily Post Institute still has a hard time accepting the use of RSVP cards with invitations. It’s considered an insult to your guests in that you are assuming they don’t know how to pull out a piece of stationary and reply on their own!
There are definitely some things that are driven by region and socioeconomic status. The idea that your gift has to be of a value equal to the cost of the meal seems to have been around in the northeast for a long time. (It is absolutely NOT required by proper etiquette. Each guest gives a gift that they feel comfortable giving.) Some areas of the south (and among some groups of higher SES) tend to follow the formal etiquette rules about who can and cannot throw a shower.
The lack of thank you notes from brides is just rude. There’s no excuse for not sending them. I recently met a woman who was in her (early I think) 30s who said she always gives monogrammed notecards as a shower gift so the bride can use them for her thank yous and it made me smile.
Something that has certainly changed: many couples today share the obligation to write wedding gift thank-you notes. My three daughters and their husbands did.
My S and DIL subscribed to many of these “new-fangled” options: they had two engagement parties (one on each coast), no matching bridesmaids’ dresses, shared thank-you note writing, website including links to registries, RSVP cards, digital Save-the-Date cards, bachelor and bachelorette weekends, spent the night together the night before the wedding, rehearsal dinner (more welcome party since there was no rehearsal) including more than 1/2 the wedding guests, some guests invited to engagement parties/showers and not the wedding (limited space)…and I could go on. It was a wonderful time on all our lives and I think that whatever works for the couple and their families is more than ok from an etiquette perspective. Be kind, be thoughtful, and be true to yourselves…
I am all for do whatever makes you happy in terms of celebrations - however it is just not acceptable to not send a thank you note.
Recently in the office we had a women going on maternity leave. We gave her a little baby shower and I had a thoughtful hand written thank you note on my desk the next morning. Another women was getting married and we all chipped in for a gift (she didn’t want a “shower”). Nobody got a thank you from her. It definitely had a negative impact on my opinion of the second person.
@kiddie: I agree on the thank you notes - and how nice that having both the bride and the groom share that task makes it half as time-consuming.
My son and DIL both wrote something on every thank you note. I was impressed!
I’m shocked at all of you that have been to weddings and not received thank you notes. We have been to 3 in the last year, all couple in their 20s and they all sent notes within 3 weeks or so.
I agree that it is always rude to ignore thanking your guests.
Well, my S and DIL have FINALLY finished the notes from their September 2017 wedding, sending thoughtful handwritten notes for each gift received. Better later than never? I’m sure some gift-givers were upset because it took so long, and I would have preferred more timely notes, but they are now done.