Emily Post says it’s OK for relatives to throw bridal showers but if you follow conventional etiquette it’s still not okay.
“What do you all think of having a reception a few weeks (or months) after a wedding when that wedding is an elopement or a very, very small guest list?”
There’s nothing wrong with that or with a second reception in the bride or groom’s family’s far away hometown.
Last year I sent a wedding gift to a couple where the groom was a long time friend of my son. About six months later my son got a text from the groom to the effect of - “Dude, tell your mom thanks for the blender”
Does this count as a thank you? - lol.
I don’t know whether this is official etiquette or not but I grew up being told that a Mom or Sister do not throw the bridal shower. At this point I don’t care.
I am hosting a large sit down wedding reception at my home this summer for a young lady who is close to our family but not related. Somehow this has turned into quite a drawn out event. Engagement party amongst her friends. Giant group of girls spend a day drinking champagne and gown shopping. They literally brought their own beverages into a bridal shop and had a picnic! Then there is a destination bachelorette weekend which is costly. Bridesmaid gown shopping events.
Most relatives are coming from out of town for a whole week. Her mother (coming from Hawaii) and sister want to host a bridal shower on Tuesday of that week at my house. I’m guessing none of these young ladies work? Can they really take all this time off?
By now my head is swimming with all these ‘events’. Of course she is on a tight budget and tons of flowers are being brought over from Hawaii. My suggestion…Gee wouldn’t it be fun if we just had a ‘flower arranging party’ during the week instead of a shower? We could serve yummy food and beverages and people could feel like they are helping…there’s probably at least 20 arrangements that need to be made. But I just left it at that because I’m an old fart and don’t recognize half these events.
I just have a lurking feeling that a ton of things are going to get ‘delivered’ to my house and no one will have any time or organization to put this all together. I’m not sure what the etiquette is for having to call the bride and ask if anyone is coming over to set up the tables???
@coralbrook: You are a saint to host all of this for someone you’re not even related to. I hope this doesn’t bite you in the butt. Maybe you need to make your expectations known to the bride and her family – like, you’ll provide the space; they handle every thing else.
I threw the engagement party for D1. Groom’s aunt (Godmother) gave a shower for the groom’s family. D2 (maid of honor) and D1’s best friend are hosting a shower at a restaurant, and I am paying for most of it. The bridal party are going to Mexico for the bachelorette party. They are all paying for their own trip (including the bride). We are asking people not to give gifts for the shower (same people at the engagement party and wedding).
Back in the dark ages in the 1980s, H and I both wrote thank you notes.
Some weddings I’ve attended had photos of us and the newlyweds in their thank you notes. I di get a “form thank you note” with no personalization at all nor mention of our specific gifts from maybe two weddings out of the dozens we’ve attended. I was disappointed in those couples.
I think a handwritten thank you note should always be sent for weddings and showers. I have received them from most weddings I have attended.
For the shower, I will be throwing it for my daughter. I refuse to put any more financial burden on the bridesmaids. My daughter’s future in-laws (and extended family) reside 4 hours from the vast majority of our family. My thought had been that I would throw a shower here and her future MIL (and bridesmaids local to that area) would throw one there. However, my daughter’s MIL has inferred she feels I should be financially responsible for at least part of the shower (more of a coed shower actually). Keeping the peace, I said that I don’t think most of our relatives will travel for that but that I would certainly help out.
That said, I asked my daughter if she REALLY wants a shower. They already live together so don’t need much in the way of home items. I refuse to do a fee shower so I advised her to put things on her registry that she knows she will always need - towels, sheets, etc and to stay away from other things (they received 3 Crockpots at their house warming last fall). I would have rather taken the shower money and given it to her (even though I am paying for the bulk of the wedding).
I’ve never not received a thank you note for shower gift or wedding.
TBS, I did not get a thank you from my 1st cousin’s daughter for baby gift I went in on with my sister and another cousin (who did get thank you’s) given at a shower I was unable to attend. The new mom definitely knew I was a part of the gift. She was told I didn’t get one and even if it got lost in the mail, when she heard that she could have picked up the phone and called or even sent an email. Needless to say, second baby didn’t get a gift.
For Hanukkah, I don’t expect written thank you notes because kids and Mom of the babies thank during the party.
My daughter and her husband did this. I think it’s a nice way to personalize the thank you notes, but it does delay them by a few weeks.
I have a question. With the caveat that there is absolutely nothing that I can’t over-think.
D1 and D2 are getting married this year. Most of my family is dead, but I do have two brothers, one of whom is married and has kids and grandchildren. I’ve always known that the unmarried brother wouldn’t come because he has real and painful social issues, but I found out over the weekend that the married brother is not coming to either wedding (he lives about 10 hours away) and never actually considered coming. Which is fine. I’m a little disappointed since he and his wife are my kids’ godparents, but it is what it is. He was invited to D2’s wedding and will decline. He told me that he absolutely will not come to D1’s wedding at Christmas. No ambiguity. Fine. So now does my D send an invitation? It strikes me as very unseemly to send an invitation to someone who has clearly stated that he will not come and will not consider that invitation at all. But it also strikes me as unseemly to not invite your mother’s brother.
I’m a Libra. I will take both of these positions until my brain oozes out my ears without ever having made a decision. I’m flummoxed. Anyone have a thought?
@zoosermom–Are you sending an invite to the unmarried brother? Do the same for both.
I would send invites to both especially since your family is so small even though you know they won’t be attending.
When I was getting married, my mother in law had many siblings, none of whom lived in the US. I sent them all invitations, knowing they would not attend but out of courtesy. Surprisingly, two of them made the long trip and came.
So send both brothers invitations.
I would absolutely send an invitation. But I’m petty like that. i wouldn’t be conflicted about that at all.
My S got married close to where I live but not where any relatives live but in the state where all of my H’s family lives but none of mine.
The niece of my sister, flew in for the wedding and drove my mom from 7 hours away. Even though she’s in school and had to reschedule some things and had work to do. My other niece, the same age, declined even though she had a brother coming from the same city and it was a 4 hour drive. Her excuse was that she didn’t know if she had school work to do and that the rsvp was too early for her to commit. One person never thought about not coming and one never was going to come.
My feeling is that I will do everything I can to go to one nieces life events and if I can make it, I’ll go to the other but won’t make a big effort. Guess who’s college graduation I’m attending?
@zoosermom, I’m so sorry that your brother isn’t attending his nieces weddings. Even though you know that an invitation is not an obligation, you really want them to make the effort.
My dil’s grandparents didn’t come to her wedding, they get around very well and come up north every summer still. They were told that their D would make all the arrangements to get them there, all they had to do was show up to the airport. They still wouldn’t come. Dil was very hurt and it didn’t help that my S’s grandparents did come.
@zoosermom - I’m in the “send an invitation anyway” camp. I understand your dilemma and I can see both sides, but at the end of the day, it would just feel wrong to me to NOT send one.
We have a similar dilemma with my D’s May wedding. My parents had a very messy divorce 15 years ago; my mother is still bitter and my father still feels guilty, although he remarried almost immediately. Now he’s living in a Memory Care unit in an assisted living facility even though there’s nothing wrong with his memory. (It’s a long crazy story…) Anyway, we sent my dad a wedding invitation anyway, even though he can’t possibly attend and probably wouldn’t come even if he could. We figured it was just common courtesy.
I planned to send an invitation to the unmarried brother because he won’t say that he isn’t coming, it just probably would be too much for him. However, he MIGHT come.
The other brother is offended by the fact that the second wedding is just before Christmas - D picked that date because she wanted a holiday wedding and didn’t want to conflict with her brother’s college finals week. Brother absolutely, emphatically will not come. No possibility, and he believes he RSVP’d verbally. This despite the fact that he will be driving up to about an hour and a half from my house two days later, but that’s another story!
Sending him an invitation after he has definitively, albeit unofficially, responded feels like a gift grab to me, but who knows? I’m glad to see that you can all both explain the other side - and I much appreciate it!
This brother isn’t coming to the first wedding because of two conflicts with my SIL’s family. One of which, IMO, isn’t really a conflict, but her family has always come first. My husband has pointed out that they rarely invite us to things, but we have never missed a single one of the things they have invited us to, while we rarely have events (these weddings are the first in almost 20 years), but they have never come to a single event for us since my daughters were baptized, not even my son’s baptism. I hadn’t really thought about that. Hmmmm.
That sounds downright bizarre!
I would definitely send them both invitations. It seems rude not to. It’s unfortunate that your brother is offended by the timing of the Christmas wedding, but you can’t control his feelings. You can only control your own actions.
Sending a brother an invitation is not a gift grab in my opinion. Most brothers would send a gift even if not planning to attend so I wouldn’t even throw that into the equation. So sorry for all of this extra stress!!
Thank you, right. Of course!
@zoosermom I would suggest sending invites to both brothers. They might change their minds.
We sent invitations to more than a handful of people we know can’t attend for one reason or another. But we wanted them to know…they were invited.