Send the invitations. If your family is anything like mine, the fact that you didn’t send an invitation could be held against you sometime in the future. Aah…families…
The brother says he is not coming. If he changes his mind is he still invited to the wedding? If he called you a week before and said I made a mistake and I want to come, is he still invited? I’m not saying he would do any of those thing but the point is “Is he still invited”
If the answer is yes then send him an invitation
He would always be welcome, but he won’t change his mind. He might have changed his mind on the earlier wedding, to which he has already been invited, because the conflict really isn’t one. In a reasonable family, it would catch his notice that “hey, I’m declining both of my sister’s daughters’ weddings, so what can I do about that?” and the answer would be that the conflict isn’t actually a problem.
He will absolutely not come to the Christmas wedding under any circumstances. But I have taken away from the conversation here that since it’s such a close relative, it wouldn’t seem like a gift grab.
He would always be welcome
If he is always welcome then he should get an invitation. If he doesn’t come then it is his choice. I would have to do what feels right to me, and that is take the high road and send the invite. Not sending the invitation seems like a sour grapes thing. It is in no way a gift grab in my opinion.
I have to say that I wonder about what people think about attending family life events. And why they don’t feel the same as I do in attending.
I have a sil who will travel halfway across the country to attend a second cousin once removed birthday party, funeral or wedding. But turns down an invitation to attend an invitation for a family event that I have and her children never ever come. We live an hour and half away and her children have never been to my house. FYI, my kids have been to her house numerous times.
For instance, my dil had a shower. My sil declined because she said she was going out of town. She was in town but was helping her parents clean out their cabin (which she did for months and months). Another sister forgot about the shower but reluctantly came at the last minute. And complained about how far it was, even though I have literally dropped everything (and also the kid who was getting married) to help her.
It makes me crazy when she says family trumps everything. Apparently it’s only her family and not her husband’s.
It is! Bizarre, heartbreaking, and infuriating…let’s just say that one should be VERY careful when remarrying.
That’s a big part of what is going on here. Not all of it. My brother is 12 years older than I am and moved away to college when I was six. He never returned home after college and married his wife right after. We have always lived far apart. So that’s just a result of the age and life differences.
However, from the time they were dating, my SIL has openly and clearly stated that her family comes first. They always lived near her family, so obviously they would see them more, but her rule was that no member of my brother’s family could visit them without a member of her own family present. She held to that rule, even though we only visited every couple of years - although I never missed an event for her kids or grandchildren. She also never (I mean literally never) allowed my mother to have a private visit or conversation with her son. She had to be present or on another extension. My mother was a difficult woman, but not much to her. She brought three children to the marriage, and my mother was so happy and loved them so much that she took anything my SIL dished out for the sake of the kids. They were married for 37 years when my mom died and the only time she saw him without his wife was when she was literally on her death bed in the last 72 hours of life - when she no longer knew anyone. Interestingly, my brother and SIL were both furious that we pushed him to come up at that time because for some reason they didn’t believe even the hospice nurse that the end was near. They had planned to come a few weeks later when SIL was able to travel. He was a good son in a lot of ways - but was ridiculous about this. My SIL is a very kind, helpful person, she just has this very weird glitch about her own family.
exactly what @Mansfield said.
Take the high road and send the invitation. Nothing to lose by sending an invitation. Family dynamics are often awkward but to not send an invitation could be something you might regret down the road. Just send it!
I personally would send invitations to both brothers. The door is always open for them to attend. In my mind, even if they couldn’t/wouldn’t/won’t attend I would expect that gifts would be sent for their niece regardless of whether they are actually present so not a gift grab in my opinion. Perhaps your SIL might extend herself to attend the showers or make an effort to spend some time with you and your daughters at some point, brother could attend as well. Now if either or both are offended because they receive an invitation even after they have told you that they are not attending that is their issue, not yours, in my opinion.
Send the invitations then don’t give it another thought. I agree it is your brother’s issue not yours. You can’t control his behavior and reactions, so don’t worry about it. Please don’t spend any extra time thinking about it and detracting from the joy a wedding represents. Focus your energies on the weddings and those who are approaching it with the suitable positivity towards the events.
Regarding stationery, is is okay to have both partners’ names on it? I was taught that each person has his/her own name, but my daughter was thinking of ordering some with her and her future husband’s names on it. They would use this for thank you notes, as well as other correspondence. Is this now okay?
Massmomm–Hope it’s okay. We did it almost 20 years ago.
Why do they need stationary with their names printed on it?
Our kiddo just has plain thank you notes…no names printed on them at all.
Send the invite. I invited all of my dad’s brothers knowing very well that at least one of them would not attend. And I was right, but that’s his problem. Not mine.
I’d send the invite. If your D wanted to enclose a note saying that she realizes your brother likely won’t be able to attend, but wanted to know he was welcome nevertheless, it would be a gracious gesture and you’ll know you’ve taken the high road.
It still stinks, and I’m sorry. I know it would mean a lot to you for your brothers to be there.
Neither my family nor DH’s tend to show up for big family events. Each for wildly different reasons, but I look longingly at other families where the whole gang shows up and (at least on the surface) has a great time. I hope we have modeled to our sons that maintaining these relationships is important and that they make the effort to"be there" for one another as well as their cousins.
DH and I sent out wedding invites to relatives who we knew wouldn’t be able to attend, but we wanted them to know they were in our thoughts and that we understood if they couldn’t make the trip. Was definitely not a gift grab.
I have several cousins that will not be able to attend DD’s wedding; two have health issues that preclude a trip and one booked a major trip just before the wedding date was set. We are a small, close family. We sent invitations to all three as we couldn’t imagine omitting them. If I were unable to attend a family event, I think I’d still enjoy an invite. Of course, we have made it clear that we understand their circumstances.
The flip side of this is that DH and I have always prioritized attending family events. We feel lucky to enjoy most of our relatives.
@thumper1 D likes personalized/monogrammed stationery. She actually likes writing letters, even to the point of using a quill pen and a wax seal. I think she’s a changeling or something!
Our D likes pens, including fountain pens, various inks and writing. There are some among us who do! Sadly, she doesn’t often write to US but at least she does answer when we call more than S does. 