I am finally entering that season of my life where kids’ friends and friends’ kids are getting married and I am invited to the weddings. So now, a question:
I have been invited to a shower and a wedding. My instinct is to bring a smaller gift to the shower ($50 or less) and a larger one to the wedding. Is that proper etiquette these days? And if not invited to a shower then an even bigger one to the wedding? In other words, if no shower then one wedding gift ($150) about the price of the two if there is both a shower ($50) and a wedding gift ($100). Something like that …
The numbers are as an example. If you give $500 presents, good for you. I’m talking about the general idea of one larger gift vs. two smaller gifts.
I have loose amounts I give for showers (gift for that) and weddings (cash). The last shower I went to (daughter of a friend) had no gifts at the shower - it was great! The couple lived 4 hours from the shower so it was just easier.
I might ask my friend about that. Maybe they don’t want physical gifts at the shower? The bride lives within driving distance so surely can haul things home in her car. I actually love seeing presents at showers, but I get that people can be more practical and just want cash or gift cards.
I did exactly that for the weddings we were invited to last year. Only invited to the shower for a couple of the local weddings - we gave smaller gifts for the shower and larger ones for the wedding.
IMO, what you proposed makes sense, but do ask about the shower gift.
There might be specific shower requests. One bride to be requested gifts of small kitchen items like single wood spatula ets. with a printout of the giver’s favorite recipe. It was a very small shower gathering and so much fun to hear the guests talk about what sort of food they like to make!
I typically get a gift from the registry for a shower/engagement party (gifts are shipped directly to the couple) and give the couple a check for the wedding.
Oh the gifts were actual gifts (we sent a Lenox serving tray that resembled a Lenox frame the bride’s parents gave us as a shower gift, it was on her registry). It was just a luncheon with open bar, some games and prizes.
I have been to bridal showers where there is way the bride could haul the packages home just in her car.
I tend to get smaller gifts and have them sent to the home on the bridal registry…even for the shower gifts. Wedding gifts are usually cash, unless I know there is something the couple really wants and will use. If I don’t give cash as a wedding gift, I inquire about the gift first.
Some showers have a gift theme and increasingly I have been to showers w a request of no gifts at all. FDiL will have one of those.
I always choose wedding gifts from the registry and have it delivered before the wedding. And I don’t think we’ve ever given cash. Sometimes for a shower i give a roll of stamps and personalized stationary, which was warmly received in a time of postage climbing higher. Plus, easy to transport…
I generally send something from the registry for the shower. Wedding gifts are either cash or a contribution to something they have requested on the registry. The last wedding we attended (in October) our contribution was to the honeymoon fund.
Oftentimes the invitation will have specifics for theme, send, wrap/don’t wrap , etc.
I always give a check for wedding gift and an item from registry for shower. If I’m not invited to a shower I don’t add this amount to the wedding gift since I think I give a very generous wedding gift as is. I have separate gift amounts for friends vs family.
Just because I haven’t attended one of these, is the event basically just like a lunch (or whatever food/drink occasion) to celebrate the engagement/wedding? I guess I sort of don’t understand the purpose of bringing people together. (I understand having a shower or not having a shower at all - just haven’t heard of a “shower” but no gifts)
I think it’s standard to do what you’re describing (to bring a smaller gift to the shower but please for the love of all that’s holy, send the wedding gift to the registry address rather than physically bringing it to the wedding. As a very recent MOB, the risk of the wedding gift being lost or stolen (or at least the card identifying the giver going astray) is significant.
It may be that back in the day it was accepted practice to physically bring the gift to the wedding but it’s rare nowadays and the wedding venues/planners just aren’t set up for it at the reception.
The last few showers I’ve been invited to were “no gifts”. Including a shower I hosted for my niece- who said she’d love to bring everyone together, play a few ridiculous “girly games”, but only if I specified No Gifts.
Her friends made donations to a women’s shelter she had volunteered at which was so lovely. My generation made donations to whatever causes we cared about. Bride was overjoyed.
I hate showing up empty-handed at a shower, however. But if that’s what the bride wants, then OK. I personally like seeing all the things and getting them at one time rather than having gifts drib and drab in over time. But that’s me, and the shower is about her so I’ll do what her mom says she wants.
I’ve been to/heard of showers hosted in the bride’s childhood/parents’ town, but all gifts sent to the bride’s current address. Attendees are asked to bring a photo of the gift for ‘opening’.
DIL & S didn’t want any shower. My sister asked repeatedly but they just said they really didn’t want one as they didn’t have that much time and wanted to spend it with the folks who traveled into town for the wedding, so that is what they did.
I’ve been to showers where the couple just wanted recipes, which were lovely. When I gift at showers, I do give the smaller gift at the shower and a larger (usually cash) one for the wedding. Most of the recent weddings, the couple only wanted cash because they lived far away and had already set up their households. In HI, cash is a very common gift.
I’ve lived in NJ my entire life, I’ve never seen gifts at weddings, back in the day the couple would go table to table and the bride had a white satin bag for cards, these days there is usually a box.
In HI there is a reception table at the wedding reception where guests sign in and often a basket for envelopes & cards and SOME people do bring physical gifts of varying sizes. For my wedding , we got quite a few gifts—many from the registry. We also got a whole lot of envelopes.
