I’m going to be giving a bridal shower for my D in the spring and, having never done this before, I have a few questions. With the note that I’m not wild about giving the shower because I don’t think family should, but for various reasons I’ve been roped into it and will do my best to make it wonderful.
First, my family/religious tradition involves simple showers in the church hall or someone’s home with finger foods and punch, silly games and household gifts for the new couple. This is what I expected to throw, but it has been made clear to me (and I have decided to acquiesce) that this isn’t good enough for modern times and expectations. So there had been some conflict and I decided that I will absolutely not be throwing a shower that resembled a mini wedding and have chosen to do a ladies brunch and am pretty happy with that. Reading missypie’s thread about alcohol, I am leaning toward mimosas, sangria, wine but no hard liquor. It has been pointed out to me that the usual thing in my future SIL’s family and in the community is an open bar. I don’t drink and I don’t want to pay for an open bar. Do you think light liquor is appropriate for a brunch shower or would it seem unwelcoming?
Along with the honor attendants, I have chosen a nice restaurant with a pretty room that is handicap accessible for the two family members who need that. But the room is small and the guest list would have to be capped at 30. I did a potential list with my D and the bridesmaids and it seems like a fine and appropriate list. However, my D has told me that her future MIL will want to provide a guest list of her own including her friends, co-workers and others. I don’t want that kind of shower - I want something intimate and warm, and, frankly, not having expected to do this at all, I have a budget. Do I have the right to cap the number if it includes the people who should reasonably be invited? Obviously, I have included all of the groom’s family and friends, but do I have to include a separate list for the mother of the groom’s non-immediate family and less-close friends?
For various reasons that are set in stone, the shower is going to be held only two weeks before the wedding. Not ideal, but not changeable, either. Thankfully, everyone who will likely attend is very local. My inclination is to send out the invitations very early because of the proximity to the wedding. I was thinking of putting a little note explaining to those who don’t know why the date was chosen so people might be understanding and not feel put upon. Or is that not a big deal?
Finally, there are several distant (geographically) family members who won’t be able to make the trip twice in a month. I understand that, they understand the situation and it’s all good. Should I invite them anyway?
IMO you are hosting, so you get to choose the food and beverages served. I think what you are doing is lovely. I too prefer more intimate showers. Plus I like wine, etc. rather than hard liquor, especially for a brunch/lunch.
If groom’s mother wanted a bigger party, she could have prevailed upon someone in her circle to do a separate shower. This is not unusual, for there to be different showers focused on different groups – friends, family, work colleagues, etc.
You do need to make sure the “major players” on groom’s side are included; try to make the guest list balanced since it will be the only shower. Give groom’s mom a number, explain that the room size is limited, and let her choose who among her friends and family makes the list – hopefully in consultation with the groom and bride.
Nice of you to step up to do this, especially considering the timing issue.
Due to the vagaries of family size, only 4 guests will be from my family, there will be 5 bridesmaids, about another five friends of the bride, and the rest family and friends of the groom. We are very careful about making sure they are included. My D and future SIL don’t see any reason why the MOG’s co-workers and the friends who don’t know the couple should be invited and they aren’t invited to the wedding. Does the wedding guest list give me a little cover? The wedding is not going to be huge and is limited to people related to or close to the couple. No unknown friends of any parents at all.
Oh and the groom’s mom stepped in and without consulting anyone gave them an engagement party that actually was a mini wedding. I didn’t offer any opinions or suggest any guests, even though I had been planning to do an engagement dinner before I found out that she was doing something. It was a very nice party and I didn’t feel the need to be consulted. But are showers different?
First of all, I think after the holiday I’m going to start a “Wedding 2016” thread for all of us who have a major family wedding to support, rant and cry in!!!
I know showers to be as you described. I never remember alcohol being part of these usually afternoon parties. Hard liquor seems ridiculous to me!
Regarding the groom’s mothers friends - with the time constraints is it possible that it would be impossible to have two different showers? In the interest of time, it might make sense to just have one - for both sides - but then I would think that someone on MIL’s side - an aunt, cousin, SOMEONE - should step up to chip in for the additional costs.
A budget is a budget. I have no clue why people throw budgets out the window when it comes to weddings. It is a special event to be enjoyed for sure, but the over the top events these days are very hard for me to swallow and to think about the the young couple starting out with empty bank accounts!!! (if they are paying)
Usually both sides host their own bridal shower for friends and family but the brides/grooms family (immediate family like Aunts) are always included. If there is only going to be the one shower I would give grooms mother a number she can invite and she can decide who she wants to include. I wouldn’t make her number too small in comparison to yours. If money is no object I would give her an equal number to yours.
As far as alcohol. When I host I do mimosa, bloody Marys when people first arrive and are just chatting. At my nieces we had wait staff with the drinks carried on trays. There were a limited amount - we didn’t have an open bar but enough so of someone wanted a second drink they could have one. Most people will only have one drink.
I would send invitations to the distant relatives. Even though the likely won’t attend they should still be invited, IMO. They actually might want to send the couple a shower gift.
I’m really ok with offering hospitality to my D’s future family. They have welcomed her like a much-wanted child of their own and treat her as well as any future in-law could be treated. I don’t know them personally, but I have nothing but warm thoughts for them and would like to entertain them. My budget does allow for that. But not for every person the groom’s mother has ever exchanged a word with. I’m just not sure how I can say this is the guest list that the kids and your daughter suggested and it fits in with the venue and budget. Or do I even need to? Not sure. I don’t want to cause offense at all but this is just not something I’m familiar with.
“I’m not wild about giving the shower because I don’t think family should”
Been in this situation myself. Make it an “engagement party” so it won’t seem like a gift shakedown. That way it is an opportunity to “honor” the bride, couple, etc.
Edit: Just read the end of your post #2. I guess having 2 engagement parties is over the top…
Sorry for your headaches!
I actually am too, but they do everything differently than what I have normally been used to. not worse, just different, which is why I’m a little at sea. Of course, the wedding is 7 months away, so maybe they will and I just don’t know, or perhaps they will do a small shower for a specific group. I don’t know any of his relatives and have only met mom twice in very quick situations, so I’m going by what my future son-in-law and less so what my D is saying. I feel a little weird with the number being 30, but it really is a nice place and totally handicap accessible, which is less easy than one might think to find.
I would call the MOB. I would discuss the plan with her. I would tell her that the number of guests you are planning
is 30 (or so.) Tell her your number, the brides number, and her number. She can use her invites for whomever she would like to invite.
If she thinks she has to invite all her friends, co-workers she needs to ask some of them if they would host, or host a shower herself.
Yes. Ask you future son in law for her phone number!
Call her before you actually book venue just in case. But be clear this is where you are planning on having it and the.number the room will accommodate.
There is nothing wrong about calling the MOG.
You can even ask her if anyone on her side is planning on giving D a shower.
I honestly don’t understand why everyone thinks the need to pussy foot around these kinds of discussions with in laws.
Thank you Emilybee!
I’m pussyfooting because I’m actually very shy and I don’t know her at all. It’s very hard for me to reach out, but I will do it for my D.
I suggest that you have already put in place the parameters that you are comfortable with. 30 female guests for a ladies’ brunch, no open bar but selected alcohol offerings. You and your daughter have selected 4 family members, 5 bridesmaids and 5 girlfriends of the bride. That leaves 16 spots for the groom.
I recall that what worked for us was the bride and groom each had to deal with their family. Here the groom seems to be onboard with the bride and you. I remember going to my Mother and laying out issues. It wasn’t always easy since weddings seem to make people a little nutty. But, if they are old enough to get married they are old enough to start dealing with their own parents on a more adult-adult level.
You may be “shy” but are you really going to abandon your parameters? If the honest answer is “no,” can anything positive come from a “mom on mom” conversation/confrontation? You future SIL seems to understand, so he can take care of this.
An open bar at a bridal shower??? I don’t see why anyone needs to get their buzz on at a bridal shower. Good grief. Mimosas and Bloody Marys are more than enough. Wine, if you want as well.
I really can’t expand the budget - it wasn’t in the original planning anyway, but I’m going to do the best I can.
If his mother really had a problem with anything, I would listen and make an attempt to be cooperative. I’m secretly wondering, though, if she shouldn’t just accept the offer of hospitality and have a good time.
