Some of these wedding issues are exactly why I have given my daughter permission to elope. She doesn’t even have a fiancé yet.
All I asked of her is that she tell me about it before she posts it on facebook.
As a matter of interest, what will a mimosa cost? I saw several sites about mixed drink prices in NYC as being in the $12-17 range.
Are you having this at a restaurant on SI?
http://www.silive.com/specialreports/index.ssf/2015/01/rising_costs_clobber_staten_is.html
Luckily we had met the parents of both my daughter in laws before they were even engaged so this was much easier. One wanted to have a shower for their side separately and I was fine with that because they wanted a fancy one at a restaurant. Ours was at my sister’s house. The other was fine with both side but again, met my requirement of a shower in a home. Although this DIL required a couples shower and I was okay with that. But no hard alcohol at either. Beer and win at the couples shower and just wine at the other.
I think it would be actually very nice of you to call the future mother in law and introduce yourself.
Yes, but no idea about cost. It’s usually X above the cost of the food package.
Take a look at missypie’s thread where there is a post with drinking stats. Seems a hostess who commits to the food plus alcohol option probably is paying more that if it was “by the drink.” 30% of adults do not drink at all and about 30% are daily drinkers.
I think that the event and the list you have prepared with the couple and the bridesmaids sounds tasteful and perfectly nice. (An open bar at a daytime bridal shower is over the top, IMHO, even if it were a coed shower, and believe me, my family aren’t teetotallers! 
)
You are being very nice about the MOG, but frankly she has sounded to me like a boor and a bully from the get-go. Didn’t you extend an invitation to a meet-the-family dinner at your home and she declined? Okay, I will be supportive and try not to say anything bad about her from now on, but I think you have compromised nicely and absolutely should NOT give in to her demands. SHE needs to accommodate YOU also. Your traditions are just as valid as hers. Presumably, she invited those people to the engagement party. Inviting them to a shower, when they will not be invited to the wedding, is simply a vulgar gift grab in this instance. It is one thing to have a “home town” event for friends who would not be traveling across the country to the wedding, and don’t expect to be invited, but these people all live in the greater NYC area.
It’s not clear to me how many spaces are left for her to fill after the guests you and the couple have identified. None? That’s fine, since the groom’s relatives and friends are already on the list. If there are a few left over, your future SIL can let his mother know and ask her for names…
Thank you Consolation. I’m working very hard on not being “that” mother-in-law but sometimes it’s hard. I think she is a nice enough person but very used to doing things her way, and my perception is that she doesn’t have much contact/familiarity with people unlike herself. I want my D to be happy and I want her son to like us, so I will put up with a lot, but I’m genuinely out of my depth on this as I haven’t ever done much entertaining in the first place. I’m not really sure what spots are left. I can count on my family as coming unless, God forbid, something happens to my mother, but beyond a couple of bridesmaids and having met his mother, I don’t know a single other person on the list and am not clear what relationship each has with the kids. So I’m unsure of the likelihood of attendance.
zoosermom: IMHO what you describe is lovely. It is in very bad taste to tell you how to entertain. It just is. If I had budget constraints, I would serve one glass of champagne or prosecco for a toast and that would be that. I have been to many very elegant luncheons and dinners that were handled that way. I think a brunch with an open bar is a very different sort of event than what you are imagining. I would not host such an event myself, even if budgetary constraints were non-existent. I am fine with attending an open bar brunch.
I never like to invite anyone I don’t actually have room for if they make the unexpected effort to show up.
BTW, I think that the best function of showers is for friends and close family to get together in an intimate way during the engagement to celebrate their fondness for the couple.
A big brawl in a restaurant is unlikely to fulfill that function.
The guest lists for the bridal showers I have been involved with included only women who would be invited to the wedding. Your drink choices sound perfect for a brunch shower.
Your shower sounds wonderful. I know it feels awkward to give a shower for your daughter, but if that is what has to be, then that is the way it has to be. However, you are the hostess, so you make the decisions for the type of event based on many factors, including budget.
Since you will be sending out the invitations, limit it to the 30. I detest huge showers. They just seem like grubbing for gifts. There should not be so many people that the bride can’t speak to everyone individually. If the Mother of the groom balks, sweetly say that you would be happy to attend a shower that someone on his side of the family would give. Do not be bullied about this.
Does your D even WANT a shower?
I’d just have wine or prosecco available for a mid-day shower. Many people won’t drink at all (even those who would typically take a glass of wine at an evening event). I wouldn’t have any mixed drinks – let alone an open bar. It does feel more festive to have the option of a glass of wine, even if most of the guests ultimately decline (because they don’t want to be tired for the rest of the day, for example).
I wouldn’t invite anyone to the shower who isn’t going to be invited to the wedding – especially if they are people you don’t even know! If the groom’s mother’s friends aren’t going to be invited to the wedding, the mother of the bride shouldn’t invite them to a shower. If the groom’s mother’s friends wanted to get together to throw a little shower for the bride (knowing that they are not invited to the wedding), that would be a different story (and a charming gesture). Just saying to the groom’s mother: 'Oh I could never invite anyone to a shower who is not invited to the wedding" should be enough to forestall any further discussion.
By the way, if you are a little squeamish about the shower invitation being issued in your name (as the mother of the bride), you could always follow the custom in my family and many of my friends. Oftentimes, the mother of the bride is the ACTUAL hostess of the shower (doing all the planning and paying, and even having the shower at the mother of the bride’s house), but the INVITATION is issued in the name of the sister or maternal aunt or close friend. The sister or aunt or friend act as the honorary hostess, in effect, despite the mother’s actual hosting. Everyone knows it is a little fiction that is done for etiquette’s sake. It is definitely not necessary, but it is an option to consider.
^^we do that, too. I was wondering about your niece being hostess. I haven’t heard you mention other female relatives.
adding: You have more than one daughter. Is one daughter the Maid of Honor of her sister? Then, in my world, the shower is given in her name. ymmv
Recent bridal shower hosted by friend (but invitations went out in maid of honor’s name)–a yummy sherbet punch (yes, alcohol added), and buffet of spiral cut ham with sides. Also had a champagne toast (or mimosas). Very lovely. About 50 people. In home venue. No games planned and didn’t open gifts.
Another shower I went to last year had sangria with lemonade as alternative. Nice. Sandwiches catered. Yummy desserts. Easy and very fun. Held in home. About 30-40. Games were played, opened gifts and just general good traditional time.
Both were luncheons.
Do what makes you comfortable. Simple is just as fun (or more fun in most cases) than something fancy.
“Everyone knows it is a little fiction that is done for etiquette’s sake. It is definitely not necessary, but it is an option to consider.”
Not in my family or social circle. And I have the cancelled checks to prove it.
I’ve hosted as the Aunt with my 1st cousins and have hosted as a 1st cousin with brides aunt. I have also joint hosted at a shower with the grooms side and as a close friend of the MOB with her other closest friends.
The only way I could see the MOB organizing and paying is if brides sisters are very young, just out of school and finances are tight and there was no Aunts, cousins, friends of MOB or MOG.
Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that other relatives don’t host showers. I just meant that in my social circle, when the MOB is the actual hostess, someone else’s name is usually borrowed to serve as the honorary issuer of the invitation. And typically, the honorary hostess is someone much younger or much less well-off than the mother of the bride (since it would be awkward to ask someone well-off if you could borrow their name for the invitation; it would seem like a suggestion that the rich relative should have thrown the shower).
My D does want a shower and doesn’t know I’m angsting! That’s why I keep you guys around!
Unfortunately, we don’t have a maternal aunt because my sister passed earlier this year and my mom is unwell. We are going to list the bridal party as hosts, but my D2 is in grad school away and is broke, so nobody thinks it is her.
Most bridal showers that I’ve been involved in I’ve either been a close friend of the family , either bride or groom (such as my college roommate’s son’s fiance’s shower) or a relative and now of course close friends of my daughters. I was once invited to a wedding of a man that I worked with which was an unexpected invitation and I would not have been insulted in any way had I not been invited but I was also invited to the fiance’s bridal shower along with all the other women I worked with and it ended up a huge affair in itself in a restaurant on a Friday night. We all felt obligated to go and while we had met her before, we had clearly never met her family but it wasn’t really essential that we met them prior to the wedding actually. On the other hand I had a cousin’s daughter get married in the spring and I was not invited to a shower of any sort. As they did not live locally I only had met her a few times in her life. I was happy to attend the wedding and go for the weekend but I didn’t regret that I had not been included in a shower. I had sent an engagement gift when I first learned of the engagement.
Regarding the venue, depending on where you’re having this event, you may have to take out extra liability insurance policy/rider for the event. I am hosting a bridal shower in March for a bride-to-be where D1 is a member of the wedding party. It’s not at a restaurant or bar, but a local community art and music center. Part of the contract I agreed to (and it’s required) is that I have to take out an additional policy for the day of the event, which absolves the facility for any injuries, etc. Any caterers, etc., that I hire, also must show proof of liability insurance. It was just an expense I was unprepared for - the facility shared that most people who have rented from them and have taken out the policy have had to pay around $75.