The last wedding shower I went to was graciously hosted (paid for) by the maternal grandmother. The cousins of the bride planned all the games, bought the prizes, made the favors. It was a lovely tea with tea, finger sandwiches, scones, etc. at a cute tea house restaurant. It was a strictly no gifts shower, everyone was supposed to include a recipe, memory and photo and sister of the bride (who was maid of honor) made it all into a lovely album for her sister.
I would insist on keeping the numbers down and have never attended a shower that served alcohol, and I’ve been to a LOT of showers. I love them in homes or in a small private room at a restaurant. When the numbers get too large (over 30), they aren’t nearly as fun for the attendees, IMHO.
This thread is eye opening! The thought of inviting folks who won’t be invited to the wedding is crazy! Stick to your number and no open bar. Ive been to many showers and no alcohol was served.
I’ve only been to showers at peoples’ homes, but a cozy restaurant sounds fine. I like the brunch drinks but can’t imagine hard liquor. My cousin hosted shower for her daughter, and the invite was in her name. If my son gets engaged, I will host a local party. I don’t understand why someone else’s name should be used.
My g/f had a shower for her daughter, inviting g/f’s friends. There was another shower for the bride’s friends.
I’ve also had baby showers at work, during lunch time. I’ve never been insulted if not invited to a wedding of a co-worker.
One game played at a recent shower was questions about the bride and the relationship. Everyone knew the bride, so this was fun.
I always thought the MOH and bridesmaids threw the shower.
D’s shower was held at the home of her MOH’s parents and hosted by the bridal attendants. Food was simple finger food, cupcakes and punch. It was simple, but a lot of fun and lovely.
“I always thought the MOH and bridesmaids threw the shower.”
IMO, that is a terrible burden to put on young women who likely don’t have the finances to throw a party. They already have to buy dresses, pay to get to the wedding, hotel accommodations, etc.
^ I threw showers for brides when I was part of wedding parties. None were elaborate or expensive. D’s shower was not.
FWIW - H and I paid for the hotel accommodations for D’s wedding party.
Zoosermom, you do what you want and don’t let the MOG push you around. She is the mom of the GROOM, she should wear beige and keep her mouth shut ;).
Your future sil will like you because you are you, not because you accommodate his mother’s whims. And what you have planned is great! If you do things your way, it isn’t going to affect your daughters relationship with her future il’s.
It’s perfectly acceptable to call the MOG. Tell her that you have a shower planned. It’s at such and such and you are generously inviting her to invite 16 people that mean something to her son and her future dil. If she balks at the number be sweet and say that the venue will only accomidate that many people. You don’t have to bring up your budget just that the venue is only so big. If she wants to invite a bunch of people, she can host her own shower.
I personally don’t usually drink in the afternoon, even at a shower. If I went to a shower where the mother didn’t drink because of religious or personal reasons, I wouldn’t want her to accommodate her personal beliefs. It wouldn’t bother me, but it appears I am in the minority lol! But a sangria or champagne toast is great if you want.
I’m sure they have the finances to make some finger sandwiches, cupcakes, and tea and serve them in someone’s apartment or house. The traditional shower was a modest event.
One of these modern overblown extravaganzas in a restaurant, no.
“I’m sure they have the finances to make some finger sandwiches, cupcakes, and tea and serve them in someone’s apartment or house. The traditional shower was a modest event.”
A lot of these young women are bridesmaids in several weddings every year.
There are a lot of expenses just going to all the weddings they are invited to. It’s not like the days when everyone they know lives in the same town.
@emilybee, than perhaps all of them need to tone down the wedding extravaganza. The wedding industrial complex seems to have convinced far too many people that weddings have to include a jaw-dropping–to me–series of expensive events and gift grabs, and that every bride in turn has the right to demand that her friends beggar themselves to provide it all.
When I was a bridesmaid, twice, my friends made an effort to find places for us to stay for free. They involved us in the clothing issue, and did not demand that we purchase expensive dresses that we would never wear again. They didn’t have showers. They didn’t have “bachelorette” parties at all, much less in expensive restaurants or locales. We didn’t all have mani-pedis and hair and makeup sessions. (Neither did they.)
I gave a post-wedding party for one couple, because they had not been allowed to invite most of their friends to the wedding, which the parents used as a vehicle for payback to THEIR friends. It was at my apartment. I made the food. It was very nice.
Call me a curmudgeon, but I think a lot of this stuff is vulgar and has gotten way out of hand.
Thanks everyone! Sorry I’ve been MIA - meetings yesterday.
I’m with Consolation, I think a lot of this stuff has gotten vulgar and out of hand. I want to be clear that my D knows nothing about the questions I have and has made no demands, and future SIL has been forthcoming with information and support.
I would have liked to have the shower at my church, but apparently that’s not an appropriate thing, particularly since they’re not the same religion and my church does not allow any alcohol. I’m helping with the money because most of the bridesmaids are either far away or having financial struggles. My D kept the bridesmaid dress to $59 with no alterations needed because we know that money is very tight for some of them. I’m happy with a small brunch in a restaurant because, believe it or not, my house isn’t handicap accessible enough even for my own mother and we need that for a couple of people, so the restaurant I have picked actually is.
BTW, re the mani-pedi/hair/makeup thing, I know that some parents here have gifted the bridal party with such pampering. I think that’s a sweet thing to do. It is expecting young women to cough up hundred of $$ for such things that gets me.
It’s very easy to say people should tone down the wedding extravaganza but that doesn’t help with the expenses bridesmaids face now.
I wouldn’t put the burden of hosting a shower on the MOH or bridesmaids, I think it’s incredibly insensitive. But you are certainly free to add another expense for them for agreeing to be a bridesmaid.
My D is very aware of the expenses since I am very funny about those things, and her sister is a starving grad student. The bachelorette is going to be held at the home of a distant bridesmaid (not that distant, just not local) and they are going to drive there and have scheduled a couple of inexpensive events. The dresses are inexpensive and the shoes are whatever they choose to wear. The hair/make-up thing is being given by my D to everyone, including grandmothers and mothers, because she just wants to do that and has been working a second job (for reasons other than money) and felt that she would use that unexpected money to do something special with. I think it will be lovely. I’m hoping she retains her sanity.
In my circles, it’s very typical for the bridesmaids and MOH to plan and host the shower - maybe along with an aunt of the bride or something but they usually have a major role in the shower.
I’m already starting to think if my house can somehow accommodate the size of shower for my DIL-to be…the costs of a wedding are starting to make me nauseous!
If being a bridesmaid is painfully expensive, saying no also is an option.
I so agree with @Consolation. I blame shows like Say Yes to the Dress, which I love, but especially Four Weddings. One day this summer I had the luxury of lying around in a hotel room for the whole day and started watching a Four Weddings marathon. At first, it seemed like a fun show, but, after watching several episodes I had to turn it off. So much one-upsmanship and judgment. I’d love to see a sequel where we see how long some of these folks stayed married. Too much emphasis on the wedding and desire to impress.
And with that, I am leaving to chase kids off my lawn.
