This thread has brought back memories of my own bridal shower. I was nineteen years old, a sophomore in college, and completely clueless. Also, it was 1974, and most of my peers were openly disapproving. I think because I was so far from home, H’s mother stepped in. She, H’s two sisters, my cousin (who was in college with me), and two of my suite mates got together and threw a small shower for me. There were only seven of us, and it was warm and intimate, and very sweet. @zoosermom, I think what you have planned sounds similarly sweet, as well as tasteful and appropriate. I would trust your instincts (and budget) and stay on course. It sounds like it will be a wonderful time for all.
Four Weddings is awful. Let’s gets bunch of women to snark on each other’s weddings, everyone! Won’t that be fun?
My D and I watch SYTTD sometimes. In an anthropological aren’t these people fascinating way. D is not girly, hates going to the salon, and borrowed a prom dress. I’m pretty sure that any wedding she has will pretty low key.
Just keep telling yourself: simple but nice, simple but nice…
I can see the stress in my son as they are trying to make wedding decisions - on a limited budget - but really, it seems that limited is still LOTS of $$$!!!
That’s all fine in good but I live in 2015, not 1975.
“@emilybee, I would not hold a shower at all.”
Is that what you are going to tell your future DIL to do?
^^^ That’s an interesting question, emilybee, and I think might hit on what I see as the problem.
A shower is something friends and extended family choose to give a bride. A bride should not arrange/coordinate/manage it at all and should be delighted by whatever her well-meaning friends/family come up with.
@emilybee, can you further explain what you’re referring to with your statement, “That’s all fine in good but I live in 2015, not 1975.”???
I assumed she was referring to Lady Lorna’s story.
My D2 is getting married in 2017 and I’m dreading it in so many ways! We haven’t talked about a bridal shower but - wasn’t the original purpose of these to provide the bride with basic household goods (as well as a fun party)? How would the gifts be different than typical wedding gifts? I’ve always been a bit confused by this.
As for having a party for her, as opposed to the couple, it seems a nice way to honor the bride and help her transition to married life as a partner rather than single. But rather unnecessary and sad for it to become yet another blown up part of the procession that now includes - engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelor and bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners (90% the size of the reception) and morning after brunches. Oops, I forgot the wedding itself!
Yep, I can. People are complaining about how “the wedding” has become different from when our parents or even some of us (not me) were married. But it has become a different animal. That is just a fact. It is what it is now - not what it was 30 some odd years ago. All the wishing in the world is not going to change it for most brides.
Your kids are not going to be able to work their way through college, either, like they could 30+ years ago - no matter how much we wish they still could.
Look what ZM said, “I’m helping with the money because most of the bridesmaids are either far away or having financial struggles.”
That is the reality for most young women in bridal parties today. They can’t afford to host.
ZM didn’t tell her D, sorry but since your bridesmaids can’t afford it you can’t have a shower. Nor did she say her girlfriends should just suck it up and do what they can afford.
But having girlfriends do what they can afford IS an option. To me, the problem is the expectation that it MUST be some huge, elaborate affair.
I was going to make a college analogy, too. On cc, there are those who only want a top 10 school. Many of us spend time telling others that they can get a good education at schools much farther down the ladder. Some don’t believe it because they’ve bought into the line that it’s HYPS or bust. Same with the brides. No, you don’t need a signature cocktail at your wedding. Just like with college, if you can afford to be a full-pay at a pricey private then go right ahead. But if you are going to incur lots of debt, maybe you should scale back your expectation to fit the reality of your budget. Same holds true for planning a wedding. A simple shower doesn’t mean you are less than.
“I always thought the MOH and bridesmaids threw the shower.”
IMO, that is a terrible burden to put on young women who likely don’t have the finances to throw a party. They already have to buy dresses, pay to get to the wedding, hotel accommodations, etc."
The party can be, though, homemade cookies and cake and so forth at someone’s house. (Of course, it can be in a nice restaurant, too.) That’s what we all did when we were early twenty-somethings with not a lot of $. We made the food ourselves and took out our best china / silver, etc.
My favorite one that I threw was at a pottery painting place (this is when those places were just starting out and were popular). It was a really good way to get people who didn’t know one another to mingle, since they had a shared activity to talk over.
“We didn’t all have mani-pedis and hair and makeup sessions.”
That is very true. We trusted our friends to know how to put on their own makeup, and do their nails if they were so inclined. That IS an arrogant expense to expect your friends to take on, IMO. I don’t regularly hire professionals to apply my makeup even for special events; I do get manicures, but I don’t often get pedicures.
Two of the bridesmaids won’t be at the shower since it’s being held two weeks before the wedding (my decision) and one will be graduating within literally less than a week of the shower, so I don’t think it’s fair or reasonable to ask them to do anything at all. Under other circumstances, my sister would have done the shower in whatever manner she decided, but God had other plans for my sister, so . . . We don’t have any other close relatives and my mom is pretty severely disabled, but she is completely alert and my D is the hands-down love of her life. So it is my priority to make the shower accessible to her and that’s why we chose the venue. It is nice, accessible and low-key. Also, I don’t have to cook! The question was whether I should accommodate the groom’s family in wanting some alcohol, and what I’ve come up with here is that light (soft?) alcohol is appropriate, but that it’s not weird and dictatorial to not have an open bar. I’m still a little unsure about his family’s invitations. My gut is that since I’m throwing it and more than half are his family, I can reasonably hold the line at the number I had budgeted for. I suspect there will be some annoyance, but I am coming to believe that my reasons for choosing the location are valid enough and not designed to offend anyone, so I am ok to go with it. I would have really loved to not have the shower when it is being held, but it’s the best of bad options.
^ ok then. When your daughters or daughter-in laws to be are getting married go ahead and tell them this is what you did way back when and if it was good enough for you it’s good enough for them.
But something tells me that won’t happen no matter what you all are saying on this thread. Call me a cynic.
I learned something new this summer. Evidently in the traditional Greek culture, the bride can host her own shower. We were invited to a Greek wedding (we couldn’t attend because we were out of town) this summer, but the shower was hosted by the bride and it was limited to certain people, that didn’t necessarily include people who were invited to the wedding also.
zm, as usual things have strayed on this thread. I think what you are planning sounds lovely, and allowing the groom’s mom to invite more than half the guests is plenty generous.
“I was going to make a college analogy, too. On cc, there are those who only want a top 10 school. Many of us spend time telling others that they can get a good education at schools much farther down the ladder.”
And the student still can’t pay for those schools by working their way through.
I am not going to TELL my future DIL–from your mouth to God’s ears, as they say 
--to do anything. I expect that she will do what she wishes to do. She may even want to circulate at the wedding reception with a purse to collect envelopes, a prospect that horrifies and embarrasses me just at the thought. But I will keep my mouth shut and warn my family members in advance.
The way things are going, it seems likely that any future DIL will be Asian or European, so who knows what will happen.
In days of yore, at least in the tradition I’m familiar with, shower gifts were little things, because it was more common for brides to go directly from their parents’ house to the marital home: vegetable peelers, mixing bowls, rolling pins (according to my mother, in her day often with a funny note that “this is to keep him in line”), tea towels, things like that. As you say, basic household goods. Wedding gifts were items from the registry, such as china, silver, and crystal, or similar items (crystal candlesticks or a silver tray, for example). I don’t come from a monetary gift culture. Obviously that is different.
@emilybee, I hear you, but sons of some of my friends have gotten married in recent years, and none of the brides have wanted the huge extravaganza and series of overblown events one sees on tv. They’ve been interested in nice, meaningful to them celebrations. I think the young men, coming from that kind of family, perhaps tended to choose that kind of girl.
BTW, only one of my friends had a wedding shower. We had all lived on our own before marrying and had all of the basic stuff. We were uncomfortable with the idea of wedding showers. In that one case, a friend threw a small brunch shower at her apartment. The refreshments were simple. The guest list included her closest friends, her mother, and a close longtime family friend. I think there were maybe 10 or 12 people. It was sweet and fun. I think the most extravagant gift was a set of really gorgeous towels from the family friend.
@greenwitch I was always taught that the giver spends less a shower gift than a wedding gift and the shower gift is something practical for the household (usually for the kitchen, dining room or linen closet). In my mind, a wedding gift is more expensive and may still be for the household, though may also be money.
“Call me a curmudgeon, but I think a lot of this stuff is vulgar and has gotten way out of hand.”
I liked this line by @Consolation so much that I’m reposting it.
Zoos, don’t get sucked into spending more, or doing more, than YOU think is right. Today’s young couples are unlike their 50’s counterparts. They usually have lived together, have careers and household items already - and their parents have already invested small fortunes in their education. These young couples don’t NEED stuff. They certainly don’t NEED “royal” weddings or showers with open bars! Go with your gut, your taste and your idea of what will be a nice event.