“I am not going to TELL my future DIL–from your mouth to God’s ears, as they say”
But you said you wouldn’t hold a shower. I suppose you mean if you were a bride today. But you would not be the same person if you were a born into the generation getting married now.
So let’s say you know your hypothetical future DIL wants to have a shower but her bridesmaid can’t afford to host, her mom or her relatives/friends can’t/aren’t hosting one, what would you do? Would you tell her the bridesmaids can do something very simple or would you host a shower for her?
My D and her fiancé actually are moving out of the family homes, although not because either is unemployed or a deadbeat, so they have absolutely nothing in terms of household goods. And to be completely honest, my D is a painfully awful cook. Painfully! So they are starting at zero and, thankfully, are not picky and are grateful. However, watching them try to register has been a comedy of errors because they just have not the first idea of what they will need!
I don’t think you get my POV: there simply is no such thing as a shower that her bridesmaids cannot afford to host, unless they are all homeless. A nice, gracious, warm and fun shower does not require a restaurant or extravagant catering. Something very simple is fine.
Would I pay for a restaurant event? No. I can’t afford to. I would host a shower in my home if none of her family or family friends could or would do so. Or I would offer to let her bridal party give the shower here, and help them.
Similarly, if a DIL wants to throw a big wedding and expects us to chip in a lot of money to finance it, sorry, no can do. I’ll make the wedding cake. I’ll make favors. We could chip in. But big money? No.
But frankly, it’s difficult for me to imagine my S marrying someone like that.
Well, that’s a whole different story, Zoos! I would think it’d be really gratifying to organize a shower for such a couple, especially since they’re “not picky and grateful.” Enjoy. (But still go with YOUR gut.)
“Zoos, don’t get sucked into spending more, or doing more, than YOU think is right.”
Nothing ZM has said indicates she is getting sucked into spending more than she thinks is right. She knows her daughter wants a bridal shower and she knows that the bridesmaid and MOH cannot afford to host one for her - so, IMO, she is doing what most moms, at least the ones I know, would do - she is hosting and paying for the shower. I doubt very much she would have told her daughter to tell her bridesmaid To throw her a shower on a budget they can afford.
Well, Zoos did bring up the open bar issue, along with the question of expanding the guest list to include MOG’s prospective invitees. Which at least gave me the idea that there is some pressure to change the parameters Zoos had in mind. If I misunderstood, apologies. Carry on
LOL, zoosermom, your D sounds like the perfect person to throw a shower for! She really needs it!
ETA: if the bride’s friends were within driving distance, I would happily offer to make a wonderful cake and bring it to their location.
Of course, I’m beginning to think that if I offered to do so I would then be branded the pushy mother of an only son who doesn’t know how to back off and let the DIL do her own thing.
“There simply is no such thing as a shower that her bridesmaids cannot afford to host, unless they are all homeless.”
I once attended a shower that was held by a bunch of grad students who really were dirt-poor. They asked guests to bring a dish in a tupperware or corningware and then the bride/groom got to keep the tupperware. They really were at a level such that they didn’t have the extras to serve food to 20 people. Honestly, they were charming and it was lovely.
I agree with Consolation in general principle, though. I remember throwing “homemade” showers where we made all the food, bought plastic tablecloths at the party store and covered borrowed card tables, and the big splurge was a store-bought decorated sheet cake. Nothing wrong with that.
No, you have it completely right, but the pressure isn’t coming from D and future SIL It’s coming from me and what I’ve been told about the mom’s wishes.
Consolation, it is funny as heck. She is very bright and competent, but I clearly failed in this area!
^ ok then. When your daughters or daughter-in laws to be are getting married go ahead and tell them this is what you did way back when and if it was good enough for you it’s good enough for them.
But something tells me that won’t happen no matter what you all are saying on this thread. Call me a cynic."
My D and I just attended a baby shower. It was at someone’s home, with their best crystal, china, etc and flowers. Now, the hostess had it catered; she can easily afford to, and that’s how she rolls. But she could have easily done homemade food, or served petit fours from the grocery store, and it would have been perfectly lovely. I don’t get the expectation of a restaurant. If you can turn out a pleasant holiday dinner at your own home, you could turn out a pleasant baby or bridal shower event at your own home. Part of the festivities come from the gaily wrapped presents, having people dress nicer than their everyday, etc.
What, may I ask, is so terrible about that? That is what bridesmaids have been doing since time immemorial. Do you think that everyone can afford to throw a restaurant shower for 30+ people? No, they cannot. So they have something nice and gracious and warm at home.
Let me ask you this: what do YOU think is required to have a nice wedding shower?
^^^ I was a non-cook when I married. I learned, although to this day DH does a lot of cooking simply because he enjoys it and because when he cooks, I clean, and all is well in the world.
BTW, the late, great travel writer Kate Simon recalled her own mother never insisting Simon learn to cook, telling her academically inclined daughter “there’s nothing about housework that an intelligent woman can’t learn in a half an hour and a good cookbook.” Once can argue the details, but I applaud the overall spirit.
In our case, it’s not an expectation of restaurant – it’s the presence on the guest list of two wheelchair-bound people. My house is a very tall Victorian without a bathroom on the main floor. It’s just not practical or comfortable for the two people, one of whom is my mom. When mom comes over, she usually does so very a short period, and the men carry her to the house and to the restroom, she doesn’t like a fuss and would be mortified in front of other people. I totally like house showers and had wanted to have this one in our church, but that idea didn’t go over well with his family, so a restaurant it is!
I think you need to contact MOG directly. There is too much room for misinterpretation by playing a game of “telephone”. Explain that you will be hosting a small shower and would like to include her and the groom’s close family members. Let her know where and when and that you and D have come up with the guest list. If she indicates she has more guests, explain the venue constraints and tell her you won’t be at all offended if she hosts her own additional event.
But ZM didn’t tell her daughter to ask her bridesmaid and MOH, and her own admission she has said MOH has no money to do it and it would be financially difficult for the bridesmaid. But let’s ask @zoosermom why she didn’t tell tell her daughter to ask her wedding party to host the party, instead of hosting it herself?
“Let me ask you this: what do YOU think is required to have a nice wedding shower?”
It not necessarily what is served at the shower and regardless of what is served there is always a cost. Food costs money, beverages cost money. Also. A lot of bridesmaids don’t even live in the same city or even in driving distance. So they have to get themselves there and again for the wedding and many girls are bridesmaids in several weddings and guests at others. All those things add up.
Honestly, I haven’t been to one shower in the last 30 years where the wedding party were the host. I must live in a much different world then all of you.
And as I said before, I sincerely doubt any if you would tell your D’s that her bridal party is responsible for hosting her shower.
I don’t think there is ever any “expectation” of a restaurant. Most people who host showers or other similar events at restaurants do so as a substitute for having an event in the home because there is either no suitable home to have it in or there is no one willing to host it. It is all well in good to say anyone can host a shower in their home but when the choices are someone’s 500 sq ft apartment in a 6th floor walk-up (and guests with accessibility issues), someone who lives with their parents, which parents say “no way can you have a party here,” someone who lives 500 miles from the nearest guest, and someone who is a new associate in a firm working 80 hours a week and on call 24/7, and who cannot commit to even attending theshower let alone throwing it, all the talk in the world about store-bought sheet cakes and tupperware isn’t going to help. It’s not an extravagant act for the would be hostesses in those circumstances to say, “Since none of us has a suitable home, let’s have a huevos rancheros brunch at SuperMex,” or whatever.
@emilybee, of course there is nothing wrong with zoosermom hosting her daughter’s party under their particular circumstances. It should work out fine for their group and be a lovely occasion.
The point some other people are trying to make is just that we shouldn’t let overblown cultural expectations, and the expenses they bring, become the puppet masters of our celebrations - whether they are bridal showers, weddings, holiday celebrations or whatever. It is always possible to step back and simplify. Why are you so hostile to that idea?
“It is all well in good to say anyone can host a shower in their home but when the choices are someone’s 500 sq ft apartment in a 6th floor walk-up (and guests with accessibility issues), someone who lives with their parents, which parents say “no way can you have a party here,” someone who lives 500 miles from the nearest guest, and someone who is a new associate in a firm working 80 hours a week and on call 24/7, and who cannot commit to even attending theshower let alone throwing it, all the talk in the world about store-bought sheet cakes and tupperware isn’t going to help.”
The bridal shower I’m referring to was actually held in graduate student housing. Yes, it was completely modest. The couple’s friends were mostly Mormon, from hardscrabble backgrounds, going to an expensive u for graduate studies, and the surroundings were modest. Maybe they bought a $5 bouquet from the grocery store and that was all they could do. So what?
Having said that, I do agree that there’s sometimes a fiction where someone will host and another person’s name will be on the invitation. I threw a bridal shower for my sister along with her 2 bridesmaids, but I was in a completely different economic position so I paid for pretty much of all it but all names were on the card. The baby shower D and I just attended - the mother really paid for it all but it was “hosted” by the sister of the mother-to-be (meaning, the mother’s non-pregnant daughter).
Because I think people’s expectations that it’s the bridal party who should be responsible for hosting the shower is ridiculous. Being in a wedding party is already expensive for them. Most aren’t the neighbor girls down the street anymore.
You should ask your kids who are marrying age what it costs them just to attend their friends weddings. And they go on for years. Some women are in several wedding parties a year. It adds up to a lot of money.
In my younger days, most wedding/baby showers were usually held by a good friend of the bride’s/expectant mother’s mother and were usually held in their home and attended by women of several generations, or it was held by the friends of the bride/expectant mother and were either nice but homemade affairs or everyone would go out for a prearranged brunch where a few women would split the bill and everyone brought gifts.
Now, I think many are looking for an experience that is deemed instagram worthy.
@Zoosermom’s plans sound wonderful, and they take into consideration family members needs. I’m sure it’ll be lovely.
