I didn’t mean to suggest that there’s anything wrong with hosting a shower in graduate school housing. That’s a great option when it works. But not everyone has a home situation where it is possible to host even a modest party. And not everyone wants to hosts guests in the home. And not everyone who agrees to be a bridesmaid even wants to host an event for their friend. I’m just reacting to the suggestion that “anyone” could have a shower in their home.
(I personally much prefer to attend showers or other events in people’s homes, no matter how modest. That’s because I’m nosy and I like seeing how other people live. Inviting someone into your home is almost always, by definition, more intimate, and some people are not comfortable with that degree of intimacy for people who they do not know well.)
This is still the case in the vast majority of showers I attend (except the splitting the bill part). I can think of only a couple of exceptions to this, and I have a gigantic family and a social circle with widely divergent socio-economic circumstances. Across the board, it seems like this is the way it is generally done – well, I guess if you include take-out food in the definition of “homemade.”
Also, on the homemade versus catered front, for many of us, time is a much scarcer resource than (relatively modest amounts of) money. Thinking about it, if I were hosting twenty people for lunch, I’d call the local Thai or kebab or Mexican or Indian place and order lunch for twenty to be delivered on the day of the event. The food part of the event would take me five minutes. I’d feel a little guilty that I wasn’t cooking but if I had to cook lunch for twenty I would have nightmares for weeks and would eventually probably have to call up my ex-husband to come over and cook since he was always the cook in the family. Too much stress for me. I’d rather order in.
So catered does not necessarily equal a desire for something elaborate or extravagant. It is often just about convenience.
I have to say that these “new” expectations are enough to give me a panic attack. I know that “things” are different now but I’m not comfortable with all of this extravagant spending on a one day event.
I had a very modest wedding by choice and no wedding shower as I hate being the center of attention. I’ve never given my H a big birthday party and he will never give me one for an important birthday. He knows how I am.
The thought of my kids having a big wedding with all of these parties is enough to send me into a tailspin.
I am being very painfully honest. I wanted to support zoosermom but it’s giving me a stomachache even thinking about one of my kids getting married.
I disagree that things are different. Some people always had lavish events (weddings, etc.) at luxury hotels with the finest in music and dancing and flowers and what-not. And other people always did things modestly.
I don’t socialize or go to parties a lot, so a nice event would be a real treat for me.
My daughter-in-law’s MOH thought the shower was my responsibility and called to ask me what I was planning. I was caught off-guard because in my culture, the shower is never the responsibility of the future mother-in-law, but always of the MOH, or friends or relatives of the bride. I told her I couldn’t host a shower since everyone lived in different places and the wedding was in yet another location and it would be just too complicated. Then I immediately called one of my sisters, told her the tale, and she said she would host a luncheon as part of the wedding festivities during the weekend of, but it would be just a luncheon and not a gifting event. She was the hostess. We split the costs along with our other sisters and sisters-in-law. It was really nice. I have no idea if it satisfied. There was no shower. Between us all, as wedding gifts, we made sure the young couple had everything they needed to begin their lives together.
@alh, so let me get this straight. You didn’t tell the MOH it was her responsibility to host the shower and you also didn’t tell your future DIL she should tell her MOH to host it? You figured something else out, and while not a “shower,” it was an event for the bride (and I assume groom) and the wedding guests (or wedding party.)
Seems to me the other posters on this thread would have told the MOH it was her responsibility and leave it at that.
It was a ladies luncheon and included all the women in the wedding party, brides family, grooms family and a few very close friends. I am thinking it was a similar guest list to what Zoosermom is planning for her shower.
There were fancy invitations, beautiful centerpieces, favors, etc.
As I mentioned in a previous post, D’s shower (hosted by her MOH and bridesmaids) was a modest event with homemade food. And it was lovely. Both D and I are well aware that her wedding party consisted of her friends and that they are young women on budgets.
In addition to the two nights lodging , H and I paid for all meals for the bridal party from Friday night until Sunday. We also provided snacks and drinks. The girls had their hair done, but that was paid for by D as her gift to them.They did their own makeup.
The bachelorette party was a weekend at the beach in a house borrowed from a friend. It was easily accessible to all of the young women. They bought food and drinks at Costco.
As for the dresses, D talked with each girl separately as to what her budget was. She then called the bridal store and gave them the lowest number and requested that the girls only be shown dresses at that price point or lower. That way the girls would not fall in love with a dress that was unaffordable for anyone. They wore nude color shoes of their own choosing.
I admit that H and I spent a lot on the wedding, but we made a lot of effort to make sure that the young people in the wedding part didn’t have to.
For starters, her D should not ever for even a nanosecond consider ASKING someone to hold a party for her! And from the sound of it, zoosermom’s D is highly unlikely to do so, to put it mildly. It is the place of the MOH and other bridesmaids to OFFER to throw a shower. Or, in some cases, a friend of the bride’s family or a relative such as an aunt. The bride can then say whether or not she would like to have a shower. It is another matter for the D to tell her mother or the MOG that she would like to have a shower, but it is too difficult to manage, given the locations of her bridesmaids. Then one of the mothers can step in and arrange something behind the scenes.
I can see a conversation in which the bride and her friends talk about having a shower and the problem that none of them live in the area. Perhaps then the bride’s mother could offer her house for the girls to use–which, obviously, zoosermom would have done if she did not have significant accessibility issues–or the bride’s mother could ask a close friend or relative if they would “host” with the girls.
Then guess what? You don’t have a shower, unless you have a relative or family friend who wants to host one! Showers are not obligatory.
I haven’t been to any showers in the last 30 years, but I have received courtesy invitations to a couple. One was given by the MOH, and the other by a friend of the family.
@emilybee, I am really interested in hearing what you consider to be a sufficiently good shower.
@Consolation, I have no specific criteria. Whatever one wants to do is up to them. My issue is that I think burdening young women in the bridal party to be the hostesses is insensitive to them, given their financial expense in already being in the bridal party.
Hey, if you don’t care that your D or DIL doesn’t have a shower, fine by me. If I had a D or DIL who I knew wanted a shower and none of my family or theirs stepped forward, I would host it myself.
I’m sure you would have no trouble telling your D or DIL no. IMO, only someone heartless or extremely cheap would do that.
A shower doesn’t have to be a financial burden. My roommates and & I hosted two in one weekend. Actually, three of us had one for the 4th and the other three had one for me. There were 20-25 people in our small college apartment and we had a cake, drinks and some snacks. No meal, no alcohol. We were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings also; weddings two months apart.
“IMO, only someone heartless or extremely cheap would do that.”
This seems a little harsh. There’s a lot we say no to for our kids. A vacation we might not be able to afford, certain clothes, cars, heck even private colleges vs public colleges, or the unaffordable school vs the one that offered the merit aid but might not be as desired. Life is all about tradeoffs, doing without in many circumstances. It’s just a shower, not the wedding. If its done on a budget, fine. If its skipped all together, fine. It’s not the end of the world. What makes a shower that important? I don’t think its heartless nor cheap to not host a shower for your own child. Don’t we teach our kids in kindergarten about wants vs. needs? And we wonder why some people consider our kids’ generation entitled.
Things have gotten blown out of proportion when it comes to weddings. Now its not only the overdone wedding but all the trappings that come with it. I’ve always said that if your wedding day is the most important day of your life, the rest of your life sure is going to be boring!
The bridal shower in graduate housing may be one of the most appreciated - and needed wedding showers. That is the purpose - in my mind at least - getting the bride and groom off to a “good start” in setting up a home - the fact that there is food, alcohol, cake, flowers or whatever is simply extra - the point in my mind is NOT that you’re throwing a party, but that you are honoring the to be bride and groom with a foundation - often measured in mixers, toasters, towels and mixing bowls!!!
Deb, I sort of feel like I’m living your nightmare! Today I had a little panic while driving when I realized that I hadn’t heard S and future DIL mention anything about a DJ - another expense my mind had blocked!!! The planning even if simple, can be overwhelming.
emilybee: What do you see as the purpose of a wedding shower?
In my culture, it is exactly what asbasket describes, to be sure the couple has what they need to set up a home. It never occurred to me anyone saw this differently, so I am really interested in your answer.
In your culture, what is an appropriate schedule of parties/events leading up the wedding? Is a certain level of expense necessary for the various events to be appropriate?
