in my family and social circle just a bridal shower. Hardly anyone I know has an engagement party. The showers are pretty similar, a luncheon at one of the hostesses home, a country club, or a private room at a restaurant. A rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding and a brunch the morning after.
I didn’t have a bachelorette party and not many young women I know have them.
I have hosted for my nieces, cousin’s daughters and friends daughters. the total cost for the ones I have hosted for is usually a couple thousand split by the number of hostesses. My share has been as low as a couple of hundred to a high of $500 or so. We usually have a lead hostess or two who are in charge of making most of the arrangements and consult with MOB. The rest of us just contribute to the cost. Can’t have two many involved in the actual planning it it or it becomes unwieldy.
I wish it were more accepted to have showers where non-wedding guests were invited.
I come from a giant extended family with lots of cousins. My cousins’ kids are now starting to get married and there is no way they could invite all of my generation to the weddings. So I’m resigned to seeing pictures after the fact. BUT I would love to get together with the brides and other female relatives to celebrate the wedding at a shower regardless whether I’ll be at the wedding. Every time I’ve suggested this the response I get from the MOBs is, “Oh, bride would never allow anyone to be invited to a shower who was not invited to the wedding.”
My mom and aunts (who generally are invited to the weddings) have offered to host very casual gatherings for this purpose but our efforts have bern rebuffed.
It is sad because I feel close to these kids even though I don’t expect to be on their wedding guest lists.
I have developed an ‘anything goes’ attitude about such things and think the OP’s ideas/plans sound fine. We live in a very ‘forgiving’ age.
I always thought when a couple got engaged, the groom’s parents reached out to the bride’s parents if they hadn’t met previously.
Seems showers (all things wedding, really) are very regional, cultural, etc. I am aware of a small community where it is customary for several of the MOB’s friends/family members to go together and host the shower and put the invitation in the small, local newspaper!! Honest! Something like: “Mary Jones, Nancy Smith and Kathy Brown are hosting a wedding shower for Susie Johnson at ABC Venue at 2 PM. Her friends are invited to attend.” It’s been maybe 15 years since I saw this in the local paper at my cousin’s house but it really is fairly common there.
Wow, I’ve never heard of a public shower invitation in the newspaper! So interesting. I love studying the history of donestic life and etiquette, and I’m excited to hear of an old tradition that I’d never heard of before.
So a wedding shower can be a number of things. In a home, a restaurant or a country club. Food might be as simple as cake and punch or lavish like lobster and champagne. It can be hosted by one or a gaggle of people. It can cost very little or lots (like 2K!).
There is no correct recipe. What it should be IMO is comfortable for the giver and the recipient. And with concern for those attending but not based on those attending.
I have to tell you that a $2k shower is not lavish. There is normally drinks (mimosas:bloodies) and crudités to start. A simple main course (salad topped with grilled chicken or crepes, for example) and a dessert, like sorbet, coffee and tea. And we always have pretty floral centerpiece for the tables.
I think zooser’s shower sounds lovely. Appropriate to the bride, her friends, her guests who need accessibility, the works.
I never had a shower. My DIL didn’t want one. I’ve been to a few of them – some were at a home, some were at a restaurant. Only one had any alcohol, and that was mimosas. Since I had to drive four hours each way that day, I didn’t partake. They were all lovely and reflected well on each bride. None of them had more than 20 guests.
Guess I should talk to my niece who’s getting married next summer and see if she wants a shower. The big issue will be where to hold it – in the town where she grew up, in her college town (and do it before graduation while her friends are around), or near her fiance’s town (about four hours from her parents).
While I am not crazy about the bridal industrial complex, I am glad to see that many people make a sincere effort to personalize the occasion (whether or not it involves a shower, bachelorette party, etc.) within the parameters they wish to embrace.
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Yes, approx. It usually runs about $35-$45 per plate and usually 40-50 people are invited."
Wow. That’s a lot of people IME. I’m used to showers - both bridal and baby - being more in the 15-20 person range. How long does it take to watch someone open 40-50 gifts?
I have to say, this thread made me pull out some old photo albums and smile at the pix of my friends and me as we threw showers for one another as twenty somethings. They were almost all homemade, decorating someone’s house, etc. and we took such pride in using our good china, silver trays, etc. it was really rather charming! I certainly hope the older folks (they were in their forties, omg) weren’t offended by being in our modest houses and doing it all homemade.
I might spend a lot these days if I were doing something for say, one of my nieces, but I’m in a way different position as 50 yo maternal aunt than as a 22 yo newlywed.
I never had a shower either.
My D who lives in the opposite coast had a very small shower in her apt (hers was the one big enough to host) with only the wedding party and several of my D’s friends, altogether about 12 people.Her 3 attendants did everything and it was very casual, with mimosas and some hors d’oeuvres and cupcakes.
My friend who lives in my town where the wedding was held, volunteered to host a shower for D and she politely declined.
My DIL had a fairly big shower hosted by her aunts. It was a luncheon in a restaurant. I didn’t attend as it was in the opposite coast and I didn’t invite any of my guests when her mother asked me for a guest list. I didn’t feel comfortable asking my guests to give 2 presents. Showers are not important in our family and I’ve only been to a couple, mostly friends’ children.
My D was maid of honor at a wedding in DC. The bride’s mother and her friend arranged a shower, had a catered affair at home. My D went from NYC on the train and made finger sandwiches. Her friend’s mom asked her to pay $200 for her share.And the mom’s a corporate lawyer.
“So let’s say you know your hypothetical future DIL wants to have a shower but her bridesmaid can’t afford to host, her mom or her relatives/friends can’t/aren’t hosting one, what would you do? Would you tell her the bridesmaids can do something very simple or would you host a shower for her?”
I’d ask my sister or my daughter to host, but I’d fund the expenses.
I don’t get the “tell other people it’s their obligation” piece.
“Her friend’s mom asked her to pay $200 for her share.And the mom’s a corporate lawyer.”
I never get this kind of stuff. I’d see it as my responsibility as the older, more established adult to foot the bill in this situation. The younger people can pay it forward when they are my age. Was your D’s name at least included as a hostess on the invite, @cbreeze ?
@pizzagirl, I have a big family and a large group of friends. Add in the MOG, GMOG, sisters/SIL’s of groom if any, and friends of the bride and you get 40-50 people.
Takes about an hour to open gifts. Some gifts can be from more than one person, too. For instance, several of us might decide we will buy the bride her towels, or her pots and pans, etc. We figure it’s better to share a big gift then give a bunch of little gifts. We do the same for baby shower gifts.
“I’d ask my sister or my daughter to host, but I’d fund the expenses.
I don’t get the “tell other people it’s their obligation” piece.”
Some people on this thread have said it’s the bridal parties responsibility to host the shower and if they couldn’t then there would be no shower. I was just curious what people would do in the scenario I posted.
I’ve already said I think most people would choose to host themselves, even those who say they won’t.
“Her friend’s mom asked her to pay $200 for her share.”
That is awful and why I would never have bridal party host or even share in hosting.
If you want anyone to help pay, that should be clarified to and agreed upon from the outset. I don’t get asking a young adult to chip in to host something when that was never previously agreed upon.
Among D and her friends, we parents never let the young adults pay. The parents pay for whatever young adults and we treat all the young adults, not just our kid.
I may have missed something, but I think there’s a diff between thinking it’s the role of the bridal party - and calling them to TELL them to get a move on! You don’t “order” people to give you parties!
Zoosermom, are you up to inviting the MOG to lunch to get to know her better? Or asking your D to get the three of you together for some social time? You will be important to one another for a lifetime, we hope - it would be so nice to be friendly.