@doschicos, no my D never expected a catered affair. Had she known, she wouldn’t train (RT tix is >$160) down to DC earlier in the morning so she could make the sandwiches. She must have offered to help when the friend’s mother called her about the shower. I doubt her name was in the invitation. It was a total surprise when she was asked to pay.
Being in the bridal party is very expensive these days as young people feel very entitled. They expect a shower (can be out of town) an out of town (often overseas) bachelorette party and very often the wedding is not where her attendants live. Figure in RT plane fares to 3 venues, hotel stays, presents, wedding attire purchases etc it can add up to $5-6K per wedding.
One year, my D was an attendant in 4 weddings.
But I digress.
ZM, it’s nice of you to pay for the shower but don’t get roped in to go overboard on expenses. Tell the MOG that you just want to include immediately family and close friends of the couple. Stress that your D would rather not have too many people she doesn’t know at the shower and that should exclude MOG’s coworkers.
cbreeze - I can not imagine that my D’s attendants spent anywhere near $5 -$6 K on D’s wedding. Perhaps some young people feel very entitled but not all of them.
I’ve been MOH in 4 weddings. I didn’t pay $1K to participate in any of them. My bridesmaids didn’t spend much either. We paid for all tux rentals for the dads and groom and groomsmen. I guess things vary a great deal but I’ve never asked anyone to pay for an event if we didn’t get agreement in advance and I find it extremely presumptuous and rude for a MOB or MOG to do so. That is a very heavy and unnecessary extra burden.
Question: Why would tux rentals get paid for but not bridesmaids’ dresses?
Sounds like anyone either asking attendants or being asked to be an attendant should get some clarity before committing on what the expectations are. It sounds like it could be a sizable chunk of change.
My husband and I only used our siblings so this is all new to me.
You know…the bride can have mutiple showers. In many cases this is exactly happens. Relatives give one, bridesmaids give one, future inlaws give one. There doesn’t have to be one ginormous shower with a ton of people.
I’m not sure why this has evolved this way. But inviting all of,the female guests tomonemshower is absolutely not necessary, if someone wants to,have a smaller event, the bride,should be grateful this is happening…at all. Because really,showers are optional.
As someone who has been a guest (both friend and relative) at a lot of weddings in the last few years…it doesn’t matter to me at all where the shower is held…but I prefer smaller events over larger ones.
And to be blunt, I’m never disappointed when I don’t get invited to a shower…or multiple showers…because it’s just one more gift to buy…and I tend to be very generous with my wedding gifts.
Plus…it seems now that shower gifts are really what USED to be wedding gifts. Sometimes that leaves precious little on the registry.
Zooser, I know,there are good reasons to have this shower only two weeks before the wedding…but honestly, as a guest, I would pass on the invitation. I would just wait until the wedding to celebrate with everyone.
Weddings have become very long term affairs, with multiple and sometimes expensive events. My kid was in her best friend’s wedding a could of years ago. BF lives in the opposite coast. DD was the maid of honor. She flew out there for a planning meeting,.to plan the shower with the family, and to plan the bachelorette…which the MOB helped fund (very nice). then she flew out there again for the shower, bachelorette, and the wedding. Just the four airline tickets cost almost $2000. Add in the dress, shoes, gifts, and other incidental costs…and it was a pricey event for DD.
Luckily, the MOB paid for her lodging on all trips.
“You know…the bride can have mutiple showers. In many cases this is exactly happens. Relatives give one, bridesmaids give one, future inlaws give one. There doesn’t have to be one ginormous shower with a ton of people.”
This is my experience too. And there is minimal overlap.
I threw a bridal shower for my sister. Her fiancé has 3 sisters and a brother, so I invited the 3 sisters, the sister in law, his mother (MOG), and a beloved aunt who lived with them - but I wasn’t going to give the groom’s side a series of additional slots. If the MOG’s friends wanted to do something for the happy couple, that was on them to arrange or not.
“I may have missed something, but I think there’s a diff between thinking it’s the role of the bridal party - and calling them to TELL them to get a move on! You don’t “order” people”
That was only a hypothetical. Jeesch.
Yes, often there are more then one shower - like the brides side gives one and the grooms side.
Cbreezes example is exactly why I think bridal party should not have the responsibility of doing the shower. It’s very expensive for a lot of girls just to be in the wedding party. That is why I said before I am living in 2015 not 1975. Things are different now, no matter how much you wish they weren’t.
As Emily Post said, “Contrary to popular belief, the maid/matron of honor and the bridesmaids are not required to host a shower.”
Why anyone would expect the bridal party to host is mind boggling to me.
Haven’t read the thread as it is long, so apologies if this is repetitive, but in my experience, and as having just been through the first of my kids weddings, the wedding showers are not hosted by the mother of the bride, but typically but a friend of the bride or MOB. My DIL had 2 showers, one hosted on this coast by friends of mine, and one on the other coast by friends of the MOB. Both were held in a person’s home. We hosted a large engagement party for the E coast folks. That was at a restaurant.
Why anyone would set the exoectstion for the venue, and invite guests…if they are not the host of the shower…is beyond me,
It is very gracious of any one to host a shower. The choice of venue,and the guest list should be up,to,the hostess, not anyone else involved in the wedding.
Some folks will pick a venue,mand some folks will pick a home or other place for the shower.
I guess what bothers me…it sounds like Zoosermom is being told that she needs to have this event at a venue…she feels she needs to at least ask about the MOG’s potential invitees.
This is her event…and the bride sounds like she is happy with whatever is planned. Really, that is the end of it. This is the hostess’s party. Not the MOG’s party.
I guess there may be a regional/cultural difference here. Where I grew up, the bridal attendants threw a shower. Seems to also be the norm where I live now at least in my social circle.Sometimes there are additional showers hosted by co-workers, other friends or family, etc.
Then again, the showers were never expensive or elaborate.
IMHO if someone is asked to be in a wedding party where it is expected to spend $5 - $6K, I think she should consider saying no or maybe finding a new group of friends.
“I guess what bothers me…it sounds like Zoosermom is being told that she needs to have this event at a venue…she feels she needs to at least ask about the MOG’s potential invitees”
I believe she said she couldn’t have it at her house because it’s not handicap accessible and some guests need it be be (including her mom, iirc.)
I don’t see anything wrong with allowing the MOG to have some invitees at the shower - just that it should be in ZM’s limit/budget.
Zoos said she was feeling pressure to have the shower at a venue other than her church hall. She did not say who was pressuring her. It may be her Ds for all we know. This does sound like a situation where several smaller showers may be the best option. Zoos can host the shower she wants and the groom’s family can host one that includes the guests they want to include. I do agree that with thumper that a shower 2 weeks before the wedding is tough for guests.
What has really gotten out of hand are these bachelorette parties where the girls travel somewhere for a very expensive weekend!
I only got through page 1 of this thread, but agree that a phonecall to the MOG is a good idea. Clarify that your numbers are limited due to the size of the venue and you are looking forward to hosting her (and are there any sisters of the groom, or aunts you feel compelled to invite). You can delicately inquire in that conversation if there are any other showers being planned on her side in the upcoming months. Some host “themed” showers. I helped with a friend’s future DILs kitchen shower (funny because the bride doesn’t cook. She called them “kitchen implements”). It was in a home but was very elegant (catered, beautiful tableware, etc) The shower my friends hosted was very casual, and the one my DILs moms friends hosted was fancier. Agree, its the choice of the host to make these decisions. If she wants to have a shower that includes many of her friends/coworkers, one of them should organize it, whether its low key or extravagant. Their call.
This has been a really fun thread to read and follow regardless of what we all think it right, lavish, ridiculous or over the top! I hope you don’t mind Zooser that we have taken your thread and turned it into much more - hopefully what you have received is the message that no event is perfect or can accomodate everyone - and that you are an angel for doing this for your D!!!
Zoosermom forgive me if I’ve stated this wrong. Zoosermom’s sister recently passed away, she is the one who would have hosted the shower but obviously can’t now :(. Additionally, the MOH is zoosermom’s D2 who is a grad student. Presumably she is away from the family home, at school, super busy and doesn’t have a lot of disposable income. The moh’s name may be on the invitation as the host but she is not going to be able to pay.
Sorry if I’ve misstated but these questions are coming up. Zoosermom has repeatedly stated that she is hosting this shower for reasons out of her control. It must be so hard to have to deal with a siblings death when these life events come up.
Edited to say that the venue is at a place that is handicap assessable so to accommodate the brides grandmother who is in a wheelchair. Zoosermom’s house is not handicap assessable. The church hall was ruled out for various reasons.
I must have missed the feeling pressure part. But regardless, she has selected a venue which she feels happy about,
I agree MOG (or her friends/rellies) should have her own shower but from ZM’s post it doesn’t seem like she is planning to. I suggested to ZM when she calls MOG to ask if she is planning to have one.
When we host we always consult with the MOB on venue, let her know the menu, etc. We also ask if there is anything specific she would like us to do/have at shower. Ditto if we are hosting as MOG friends. It’s just common curtesy, IMO.
Setting aside the issue of who is hosting - which can be anyone in my mind - a bridal or baby shower is really one of the easiest parties to throw. And the least expensive if you are throwing it at home. I prefer these types of parties at home - more intimate and you are on your own schedule, guests can linger.
If you want to keep the budget down you can easily entertain 30 women for under $700. Women do not eat that much (everyone is watching their weight) and food is the last thing on their mind when 30 women get together :). You could pull together a lovely event in less than a day - Wegman’s and Whole Foods both do lovely assorted sandwich trays that serve 15 for about $110. So I would simply order 2 sandwich platters and add some side salads - green, pasta and a grain. Then you need a large assorted cookie or pastry tray, lemonade/ice tea and about 8 bottles of white wine. I would have coffee and tea available as well. Couple of bouquets of flowers and some decorative napkins and you are done.
So food would run about $450 and let’s say $25 per bottle of wine so add another $200. This would just be a basic bridal shower and obviously things can be upgraded as your budget allows. But these events are not hard to do inexpensively
Just for fun, and as long as we are planning the whole (fictitious) shower, here’s the wine I’d serve in the $12-15 range: (This is what I ordered for our large Thanksgiving party).