This conversation is making me very glad that I’ve never been in anyone’s wedding.
@notelling - those wines look interesting. I love Cote du Rhone and Sauvignon Blanc is my preference whenever I am out. I have never tasted anything imported by Kermit Lynch - will give them a try!
You could also do salade niçoise or quiche pretty inexpensively. Fresh fruit salad, petit fours, sparkling cider or wine per your tastes. Or a tea with finger sandwiches and scones. My girlfriends and I took a lot of pride in putting together nice little events when we were at this stage in our lives. I wonder if today’s young people see eating out or ordering in as more of the default.
“Why anyone would expect the bridal party to host is mind boggling to me.”
When I was at this stage in my life where we were all in each other’s wedding parties and threw showers for one another, it wasn’t because we were expected t or obligated to. We WANTED to. Same thing for when we started having babies.
Really, I love throwing a party and look for any excuse to do so. Maybe I am reading it wrong but it does seem that a lot of posters see this as a “chore” or something you hope you don’t have to do.
I agree. It’s fun and an honor. I go back to perhaps the reason that it feels like a chore for some is that there’s some out-sized expectations. I wouldn’t/couldn’t pay $2K or $700 for a shower. But I’d have a fun party to honor the bride, just in my budget.
It is pretty typical for the bridal party to host showers here. But yeah, it’s more a matter of your closest friends are in your wedding and as your friends they want to throw you a shower.
It’s also not uncommon to have more than one shower with separate circles of friends. Most guests would not be invited to more than one.
No one I know pays $2k. It is always split between several people.
"it wasn’t because we were expected t or obligated to. "
But some people on this thread do have that expectation and believe it is the bridal parties responsibility to host the shower, and if they don’t they won’t step in to host it themselves.
And with that I am shutting my mouth on this subject - which I’m sure you all will be very pleased about.
Not in this family. In my family it’s all about the food.
But you don’t have to have filet mignon and lobster.
For 30, it would be easy to put together s large lasagna, salad and good bread.
Or
A brunch with bagels and all the fixings, a waffle station, and fruit salad.
Or
Wraps…a tray of wraps at our local grocery for 30 is under $50. Add some salads to that and some dessert, and poof…food.
Or
If summer, toss some burgers and hot dogs or chicken on the grill,mand have a picnic shower. Can’t imagine that would cost $2000 either.
I think there are many ways to handle the food situation. I went to a fabulous shower that was quiches, bagels, lox, cream cheese, pastries, fruit salad…and a champagne toast. It was lovely.
Wow.
I already said quite clearly that I would host a shower at my home. I also said that I CANNOT AFFORD to pay for a restaurant event of the type you seem to have in mind. I’m sorry if that translates to “extremely cheap” in your mind.
Well, no wonder you think this is a huge imposition on the bridesmaids. How big are these bashes?
I, for one, could not afford to spend thousands on a shower. I’d be happy to host one in my home, as I said earlier, and the food would be–gasp-- “homemade.” Which in my case means to a caterer’s standard.
But yeah, I’m heartless, mean and cheap if I say I cannot host an affair at a restaurant that costs thousands of dollars. So be it. I guess the bridesmaids who host modest showers at home are also heartless, mean, and cheap because that won’t be sufficient to stroke the ego of the bride, who apparently doesn’t think a rehearsal dinner and wedding is “enough” celebration of ME!
Oh, and no one in my family/social circles does morning after brunches either. I’ve only heard of people doing that on CC. The Horror!
Our friend’s D just got married. The newlyweds lived in Boston, bride’s family mostly lives in NM, groom’s parents in CA, and lots of their friends live in NY (where couple met). The couple came down in July with their parents to finalize venues and figure our a place to rent for Oct wedding. Knowing they had friends literally all over the U.S. and world, they had all wedding-related activities ( shower, bachelorette and bachelor parties, and rehearsal + dinner, and wedding with reception) in the week before the wedding in HI (other than a wedding dress and attendants shopping trip that they had at some mainland location months before wedding). Everyone was very conscious of how much it cost to fly to the HI wedding.
The bride’s family rented a large house and offered to let friends and groom stay and hosted several events there. The groom and a few friends did stay there, while others made their own arrangements. The bridal couple also rented a bus to drive folks from Waikiki to the wedding and from the wedding to the reception. The bus made two runs. I thought that was very thoughtful of the bridal couple. We have been to another wedding where the bridal couple rented buses to get folks from Waikiki hotels to the estate where wedding and reception were held as well.
Having an attendant buy 4 RT plane tickets to participate in a wedding sounds very unreasonable, expensive and time-consuming to me. My niece is in about 6 weddings this year and could neither afford the time or expense to make multiple trips for each of them. It is a major expense and effort to get time off for her to be buying one RT plane ticket to attend each wedding.
We did also buy bridesmaids dresses, but for at least one of the weddings where I was MOH, I paid for my own dress and wore it to various events for years, as it doesn’t look like a bridesmaid’s dress and was found at Macy’s amongst their regular clothing.
I think what many of us are reacting to is not the shower, per se, but to what some of us see as over-the-top costs involved, and the perceived “mustness” of them.
Obviously, in some cultures wedding etiquette is less flexible than in others, but many of us on this thread are familiar with traditional American weddings whose costs are dictated more by expectations and income level rather than tradition.
Many of us have been to, and ourselves had/hosted, showers that were lovely, generous and touching – and cost a LOT less than $2K. Likewise, we’ve had/been to lovely weddings that cost a fraction of today’s “average wedding cost of $30K+”
It certainly can be done. In fact, it’s done all the time.
Let me also add that there’s nothing WRONG with a $2k shower or a super fancy wedding. I’ve been to one that cost probably a quarter of a million dollars. It was fabulous, and I was really glad I got to experience it.
But just like that $2,000 shower – it ain’t gonna happen in my family 
unless the kiddos (or their future in-laws) are paying.
In response to my post #54 where I said, “I wouldn’t put the burden of hosting a shower on the MOH or bridesmaids, I think it’s incredibly insensitive. But you are certainly free to add another expense for them for agreeing to be a bridesmaid.”
Your response.
Post #55 “I would not hold a shower at all.”
I never said the venue could not be at someone’s home, nor did I ever say what had to be served or how much money had to be spent. But you very clearly said, if the bridesmaids didn’t host the shower you “would not hold a shower at all.”
I think she’s saying that because she’d be a MOG and she doesn’t think a mother on either side should be the hostess.
I did a morning after brunch for my kids’ bar/bat mitzvah! The invitation read “still need to nosh?” And it was bagels, lox, and probably some egg dishes. But not out of obligation.
My DIL was thrown 2 showers. They were both luncheons. My friends who hosted the one here asked the bride to be which of 2 choices of foods she wanted (both were informal, fun and quite affordable). She chose and thats what they did. The one hosted by her moms friends were a bit more upscale, but the food at that luncheon, IIRC, was home made (casseroles, salads, deli spread, etc). Don’t know anyone who does a bridal shower with lobster or steak, but if there is someone, please invite me! Sounds yummy!
“I think she’s saying that because she’d be a MOG and she doesn’t think a mother on either side should be the hostess.”
No, otherwise she wouldn’t be saying in her last post (#169 ) that she, “said quite clearly” she would host one in her own home.
What she said was, “I would not hold one at all.” Can’t be any clearerthen that, IMO.
Popping some popcorn. Anyone want any?
Partially that, PG, but more that if I were the BRIDE I wouldn’t expect a shower. I didn’t want one when I married, and I found the whole gift grab/hen party image kind of distasteful at that time. My particular group of friends just were not into that kind of thing when we were that age. (We also all kept our own names. ) We did do baby showers. But brides are about to be showered with gifts anyway.
I wonder if the shower thing isn’t bigger amongst people who do monetary wedding gifts.
In the case of my D or DIL, I would not have thought of a bridal shower as something either expected or particularly desirable, at least not before reading this thread! 
So I wouldn’t think she was missing out on something she ought to expect. If one didn’t happen I wouldn’t even have thought about it. Therefore, as I said to emilybee, I wouldn’t have one at all.
It’s like the post wedding brunch. I had no idea some people considered that to be de rigeur until I read about it on CC. So it wouldn’t occur to me that someone “ought” to host one.
I also would not DREAM of expecting my friends to fly across the country repeatedly to “arrange” events in my honor, or expect them to buy an expensive bridesmaid dress that they could never wear again, or arrange a bachelorette party for me, or any of that stuff. Again, IMHO it is the wedding industrial complex marketing–and the people who fall for it–that is putting unrealistic demands on young women in bridal parties.
As I’ve said before, if I found out that a shower was desired, I’d certainly host one or help someone else do it. But it would not be a $50 per plate affair at a restaurant. I can’t afford that.
In reality, I simply do not understand the mentality of brides who actively WANT showers and bachelorettes and all that stuff. It seems egotistical and greedy to me. As opposed to being pleasantly surprised and grateful if someone chooses to hold a party for you, like zoosermom’s D.
“It’s like the post wedding brunch. I had no idea some people considered that to be de rigeur until I read about it on CC. So it wouldn’t occur to me that someone “ought” to host one.”
@Consolation - Ditto. When I read that, I felt like a real peasant. 